Question about the use of "Hun"

LDetmer · July 2010

I'm not sure where to post this, but i need opinions/advice.

My fiance calls me "Dear" all the time. I usually call him "hun"

This weekend his ex-girlfriend runs into us and they're talking she keeps hugging him and calling him "Hun" even after he inroduced me to her. I was pretty annoyed but kept my mouth shut.

Then later that night he we were out with friends, he called two of his female friends "dear" So then I was pretty ticked off.

What would you have done? Would you have ignored it? Would it have bothered you?
I realize it is probably petty to be upset about. We never argue over things andI dont want to start arguing now. But I dont think it's proper ettiquite to say things like that. Espically the ex-girlfriend thing.

I just would like to know other's thoughts on this matter.

TIA

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I would let it go unless she becomes a problem. It is petty, and not worth starting a big fight over. IMO, it depends on what part of the country you are in. I am orginally from Columbus, Ohio ( I see you are in the Toledo area) but don't normally get that when we are home unless we are in a real small town like where my H parents live. But it all depends, some people say honey or dear for everything regardless of who they are talking to. It can get a little annoying for me, but I know they don't meant it like that.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

The only girl my DH calls "sweetie" or "honey" besides me is our friend's 5-year-old daughter. I know many people use terms of affection for friends and family, but if DH called another woman "babe" (which he usually calls me), especially an ex, I would be irritated.

vgmartinez · July 2010

It would be weird if FI called another girl "dear" but i would not be happy with the ex calling him hun and hugging him repeatedly.

catemeg · July 2010

What matters is that it bothers you. He probably has no idea. You can't control what other people call him, but you can certainly talk to him about how he refers to other people.

Sit down and have a calm conversation, explain that you're sure he didn't even realize it, but when he called them "dear" it made you feel a little uncomfortable, and you'd prefer he not call other women "dear". See how he reacts - if it were my BF, he's apologize and swear not to do it again.

gottahavashorti · July 2010

Let him know that it bothers you, but I don't think it's too huge a deal.

RochelleAnn2302 · July 2010

i would probably be more offended by the hugging than the hun comment. I hear a lot of girls that over use the "hun" thing. Plus, like someone else said he can't really control what others call him. Annoying though.. I definitely get it. I am kind of a jealous person (in the sense that I pick up on little things that girls do around him more than he does) but somethings you just have to let go. Especially with the friends he called dear, unless there was some other reason to worry about these pals I would forget it!

SarahPLiz · July 2010

I call people dear, hun, and sweetheart all the time. Its a term of endearment, and quite frankly it is just a habit. It doesn't really mean anything. I think it must be a Southern thing.

He doesn't call me "babe", but I think it'd be inappropriate for him to call someone else that, because that is a really specific term that implies attraction.

glam70s · July 2010

I think it really depends on the people. I have male friends who call me "dear" all the time, but FI knows that's just the way they talk and it is just a term of endearment (also, half of them are gay. :-) I have other male friends though who would cause a ruckus if they called me "dear", simply because they don't use it regularly and if they do, it likely means something.

I wouldn't be too upset about the ex girlfriend. He can't control what she's calling him. He likely could have put a stop to the hugging, but my guess is it didn't even occur to him that it might bother you. My FI and I have conversations all the time about something I noticed where he's amazed that I noticed or cared, just because he's totally clueless about those things.

girl2bewed · July 2010

Much like PP there are several people who use the word Hun and dear on an everyday basis. I personally get so peeved when strangers call me Hun. But if your friend is the type of person who throws Hun and dear out to several people like it sounds like she does, I wouldn't be at all worried about it.

Kristin&eric · July 2010

think about it, dear hun, baby they are sooo universal, think about how many BF you called hun and dear.... i call just about everyone hun...But fo my FI we have speacial names He is Whore muffin I am Hooker biscuit.... we dont usually say those in public but I call him sugar and he calls me sugar butt. Those arent universal (sell sugar probably is) but they arent that common like baby and Hun. I wouldnt think much of it.

jenn.daniel · July 2010

A lot of people call everyone hun or dear. Heck, I had a student call "dear", although that was definitely weird.

Srbageldog · July 2010

I don't think you're wrong to be upset, although how you handle the situation is important. It kind of sounds to me like maybe the ex was intentionally trying to make you jealous. My FI would never hug one of his ex's, especially in front of me. Does your FI still talk to this ex on a regular basis? How long were they together? How long have you been with him? Is it an ex from a way long time ago, or someone he was with more recently? Those might be some important questions to think about. If it's someone he was with a long time ago, I wouldn't make a huge deal over it. Now if it was someone he'd been with more recently, I'd probably have a fit. Just try to stay calm, and bring it to his attention that both situations (with the ex hugging him and calling him "hun" and then him calling his female friends "dear") made you feel uncomfortable. Hopefully he'll be understanding and it won't happen again.

LDetmer · July 2010

well I tried to talk to him about it calmly and just told him that I didnt really feel comfortable. Apparently, I am "over reacting" and I "need to deal with it"

Awesome.

Midgetth · July 2010

Obviously the ex was very rude & just didn't care but I would let everything go. My FI's brother calls me dear and I call him darling. My FI thinks it's funny because it means nothing. It's just a word. Alot of people call each other hun, dear, darling etc. Let me ask was she actually hitting on him in front of you or just calling him hun? I've had girls hit on my FI right in front of me. One waitress brought him 5 cookies and said "It's on me" & winked at him. He only asked for one & I asked for a slice of pie & I never got it. I told him she was hitting on him because I was annoyed & he said "She was?" Your FI might be oblivious too & not knowingly know she was calling him hun or that he was calling the other girls dear & I'm sure he wasn't even thinking about what she was calling him & what he was calling the other girls. It may just be natural to him. So just let it go don't start an argument over this

kirstenr · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_question-use-of-hun?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:48fd8207-c54b-4265-9043-62b804476c99Post:9c6825a3-4275-43a3-a0c6-a473fabc89ed">Re: Question about the use of "Hun"</a>:
[QUOTE]well I tried to talk to him about it calmly and just told him that I didnt really feel comfortable. Apparently, I am "over reacting" and I "need to deal with it" Awesome.
Posted by LDetmer[/QUOTE]

<div>If my FI reacted that way to me expressing discomfort with something, it would just fuel my hurt feelings. Ugh.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, I had a situation like this a couple of years ago with my FI (then-boyfriend). He called me "doll" (which he got from his very-very-old-fashioned dad, so it was sorta cute) all the time, and I thought it was an exclusive term of endearment. Then we went out and he was calling, like, EVERYONE "doll." I did not like it. I was going to come here and say to just talk to him about it, like I did, because that worked for me. He toned down his petnaming for his female friends. But it looks like you did, and he didn't respect it. So now I don't know.</div>

amwilli5 · July 2010

i wouldn't be overly concerned. But I would just mention that it made you feel a bit uncomfortable. My FI calls me Honey Buns of Oats ( I know I know it's weird) and if he called someone else that I'd be pissed. But Dear and Hun are universal, I get called both at least 20 times a day.

Srbageldog · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_question-use-of-hun?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:48fd8207-c54b-4265-9043-62b804476c99Post:9c6825a3-4275-43a3-a0c6-a473fabc89ed">Re: Question about the use of "Hun"</a>:
[QUOTE]well I tried to talk to him about it calmly and just told him that I didnt really feel comfortable. Apparently, I am "over reacting" and I "need to deal with it" Awesome.
Posted by LDetmer[/QUOTE]

Sounds exactly like how my FI would respond. Men are thick headed sometimes.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

I don't think the hugging is that big a deal, either. Going from church group to theatre to Disney, I think I forgot how to shake hands. Greetings are always hugs, male or female. Hell, DH and a friend had a game called "Inappropriate Hug" where they'd try to get the other person to break away first. (DH's trump card was licking.) Perhaps your FI just has a different idea of boundaries than you do; neither one of you is necessarily more right or wrong, but you need to be able to discuss those boundaries and see where the other is coming from. The fact that he doesn't want to have that discussion at all is a red flag.

But seriously, unless he was sneaking some side-boob, I don't think it's a big deal.

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