Bizarre Invitation

murphyr6 · November 2010

In June, I received the Save the Date for the wedding of a guywho is not really a friend anymore. 2 and a half years ago, he met this girl and has not returned a phone call from me or my boyfriend or any of our other friends since then. Now he wants us to attend their wedding? Two and a half years ago, he was great friend and for a long time I missed him, but at this point, it has just been so long. Why does he want us there if he wanted nothing to do with us for the previous two years?

So I thought I might hear from him between June and now. I even emailed him, but didn't hear back. My boyfriend called and didn't hear back. It didn't seem like he had any intentions of reconnecting with us.

Today, we got the invitation. It turns out, we can't attend.

We don't want to attend either, but we actually really can't attend either.

I'm oh so tempted to hold onto the response card until after the RSVP date for spite... but that just my "wasting my anger and emotion on a bad friend" side. I'll send it in with regrets and nothing else snarky or immature.

I realize this post is immature, but I thought an update was in order and being immature is ok on the internet... or at least better than being immature in person

.

golden1215 · November 2010

Don't save the dates have the wedding date on them... so you can, ya know, save the date?

How did you not know til now that you cant go on that date?

But regardless, if dude is a flake, I wouldnt go and I wouldnt feel bad about it.

murphyr6 · November 2010

My boyfriend has a work commitment that he didn't know about until this week. He cant get out of it.

I have a family commitment that I may have considered getting out of if this guy attempted to make ammends for his mistakes

. The combination of all three means we can't make it.

murphyr6 · November 2010

cfaszews25
I strongly recommend getting in touch with these "friends" before the big day. If he has made some effort to say, I want you at this event, I want you in my life, besides sending out an invitation, I would have considered it.
This guy cut his closest friends out of his life when he met this girl- not one returned phone call, email, visit.
I posted because I find the whole thing bizarre.
I get that I am being petty. But I'm bitter about this guy being a bad friend. And yes, I'm tempted to be a bad friend back, but I won't.

murphyr6 · November 2010

There's plenty of reasons to be mad. Two and a half years of unreturned phone calls and then a STD is not a friendship.
If he wanted us there, we would have heard a response to "Where are you? We miss you." or "Congratulations on your engagement" but we didn't.
In my book, friendship is more than an invitation to a wedding.

ootmother2 · November 2010

IMO, it's petty to hold onto the RSVP card.

Send your regrets and let it go.

He may have just taken the chance to make up for failing in friendship

saisongbird · November 2010

Your reaction is fairly petty and immature. Unless you're withholding some serious information, there's no reason to react this way. It makes you the lesser person. Send your regrets and let the relationship go.

murphyr6 · November 2010

I'm wondering if people read my post completely... I'm annoyed, but I intend to RSVP, before the date, with no snarky remarks. ("I'm... tempted to hold onto the response card until after the RSVP date... but... I'll send it in with regrets and nothing else snarky or immature")

I get that people disagree with me. I guess you had to be there. This isn't a case of we haven't seen or talked in a while- its a case of this guy cut everyone out of his life by not returning phone calls or emails. I'm surprised and annoyed by the invitation and that is the reason for the post.

mica178 · November 2010

I think everyone read your post. You might still have a bunch of unresolved issues with this guy, but you don't need to stoop low by returning the RSVP card late. If you want to resolve stuff, call the guy up. Don't be all passive aggressive and petty.

saisongbird · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bizarre-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9acb622-792d-4e91-838e-41209ac790b2Post:d369749a-61c0-4785-88ad-3d54f401c92a">Re: Bizarre Invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm wondering if people read my post completely... I'm annoyed, but I intend to RSVP, before the date, with no snarky remarks. ("I'm... tempted to hold onto the response card until after the RSVP date... but... I'll send it in with regrets and nothing else snarky or immature") I get that people disagree with me. I guess you had to be there. This isn't a case of we haven't seen or talked in a while- its a case of this guy cut everyone out of his life by not returning phone calls or emails. I'm surprised and annoyed by the invitation and that is the reason for the post.
Posted by murphyr6[/QUOTE]

<div>There's no reason to be annoyed by an invitation. I understand when people get annoyed that they're NOT invited, but to be annoyed by receiving one strikes me as odd. Seriously, let it go.</div>

sarah0725 · November 2010

I hear what you are saying, OP, but I think you are learning something about internet message boards here - people are a lot more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt if they know who you are, and we don't "know" you here. You might get a more sympathetic ear talking to your friends.

But guys, really? If I got a Save the Date from somebody I hadn't heard from in years, and then tried to get in touch with them to no avail, I might form the opinion that the person was only reaching out to me as a gift grab. And I might be a little peeved about it, especially if there was a reason for the years of estrangement. If OP was a regular, we'd probably be having a different conversation.

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

You're right, this is incredibly immature.

murphyr6 · November 2010

I didn't realize that a public board like this that advertizes supporting people who are planning or involved in weddings only supports the regulars.

Thanks sarah0725 for explaining how the board works. This post will be my last. The board wasn't as supportive, objective, or informational as I had hoped it would be.

sarah0725 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bizarre-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9acb622-792d-4e91-838e-41209ac790b2Post:acf6b72e-2801-4025-9cb1-3d3d43378b14">Re: Bizarre Invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't realize that a public board like this that advertizes supporting people who are planning or involved in weddings only supports the regulars. Thanks sarah0725 for explaining how the board works. This post will be my last. The board wasn't as supportive, objective, or informational as I had hoped it would be.
Posted by murphyr6[/QUOTE]

Dude, don't go and stamp off in a huff. We're not employees of the Knot, for one thing, so no matter what the board advertises, we don't have to provide it.

As for objective, although I don't agree with what everyone else said, I think they were pretty objective, because they provided answers to your posts based only on the information you provided. I think you probably would have actually preferred more subjective answers, because it seems you were looking for more nuance.

And regulars vs. strangers is just human nature. I've been here for two years, for instance, and I know a lot of people. Same for a lot of others here. And so if someone we knew came in and posted something that on the surface sounded a little bratty, we would give them the benefit of the doubt because we know them, but when you're a newbie, people don't have that info.

Would you get on a bus and start waving your arms and yelling about your problems? How do you think people would react? This is similar.

The Mel and Todd Show · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bizarre-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9acb622-792d-4e91-838e-41209ac790b2Post:acf6b72e-2801-4025-9cb1-3d3d43378b14">Re: Bizarre Invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't realize that a public board like this that advertizes supporting people who are planning or involved in weddings only supports the regulars. Thanks sarah0725 for explaining how the board works. This post will be my last. The board wasn't as supportive, objective, or informational as I had hoped it would be.
Posted by murphyr6[/QUOTE]

Dude, seriously? Is there some second internet that you've been playing on that I'm not aware of? You're complaining on a message board full of strangers. On this second internet, do strangers validate your every passing thought simply because you think they should?

It's the internet. If you make it through a day on the internet without being spammed with pics of some old dude's diick, you should really just go ahead and consider it a win for the good guys.

polichik · November 2010

My best friend/man of honor/guy who introduced me to DH dropped off the face of the earth once he got a girlfriend (who is perfectly nice and not controlling, so she's not the reason). I cried over it for hours and contemplated not inviting him because I didn't want somebody so disrespectful to be there. In the end, I invited him, he came, and I'm glad he did. The whole thing is still a clusterfuck, but what can you do?

Don't be a douche. I know you're hurt, and he's acting like a jerk, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Mrs.B6302007 · November 2010

I agree with Sarah regarding giving the guy the side-eye. It does come across as gift grabby. If I received an invite from someone who couldn't make time for me over the course of a couple of years, I would be all "seriously? "as well.

HOWEVER, there are some things that you think in your head and never put in writing on the internet for a bunch of people (read: stangers who will most likely judge you) to read. And contemplating getting the last "word" by not replying by the RSVP date is one of those.

nebbiolo · November 2010

I'm in the minority, but I do think it's total BS when peeps you haven't heard from in years invite you to their wedding. I've made the mistake of attending these weddings (with the naive notion that I actually do care about this person enough to see them get married), only to never heard from them again (other than a TY note). Totally lame.

You said you and your BF reached out to this guy and heard crickets. Obviously, you've made your decision not to go and plan to do it respectfully. You totally acknowledge your immature gut reaction to RSVP late to strangers on the internets, which to me is kind of just like thinking it. So, I don't see what the big deal is.

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