How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?

lenee3811 · December 2010

Wanted to use this wording for my invites but wanted to make sure I was doing it "properly." I can't really find a specific answer on this...

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's parents

request the honor of your presence

at the marriage of their daughter

Me

to

Fiance

son of Mr. and Mr. Fi's parents

and the late Mrs. Fi's Mother

on Saturday the nineteenth of March

blah blah blah...

Thanks in advance!

[Deleted User] · December 2010

A deceased person cannot host a wedding. It is improper for you to word the invites like that. You would be better off honoring your FI's Mom somewhere in the wedding program or by a table set up at the reception with some pics of her. There are a lot of different ways you can handle this rather than having her name on the invites.

lenee3811 · December 2010

His parents are not hosting the wedding which is why they are not first on the invitation. I also find it rude (whether proper or not) to invite members of his mother's family to our wedding (where I am wearing her ring) and not mention her at all.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

It doesn't matter if they are hosting or not, a deceased person's name shouldn't be anywhere on the invite. I am not trying to be mean, but that is what proper etiquette dictates.

lenee3811 · December 2010

Regardless of proper etiquette (and I've read it both ways) like I stated before I find it rude to exclude her. He wouldn't be here without her and I understand that when hosting you don't include deceased parents, but like I said I am not stating that they are hosting.

I guess I should rephrase my original question to not is this proper but does this sound ok regardless of etiquette?

kristinanddan · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:88a83920-6091-4f72-b70a-589d55c400a9">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]It doesn't matter if they are hosting or not, a deceased person's name shouldn't be anywhere on the invite. I am not trying to be mean, but that is what proper etiquette dictates.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Include her in the programs.

MrsEAB · December 2010

I think it's fine the way you have it. Otherwise it seems to read that your fiance is the biological son of his step-mom, which isn't the case. I don't think there is anything improper with stating his parents' names. The tradition of including the groom's parents on the invitation the way you have was to inform the guests of family lineage. If I were a guest receiving the invitation to the groom's wedding, and his parents were included on the invitation, I would expect the name of his mother to be there...that is, if the groom's mother was known to the guests. Likewise, if I had known the deceased mother and received an invitation to her son's wedding that named his father and step-mother, but not his mother, I would be extremely hurt and offended for her.

trix1223 · December 2010

"regardless of etiquette"? Sure. You can put anything on the invitation then. You can have trained monkeys inviting people to the wedding.

The point is that your FI's mom has passed away. It's very sad. I'm sorry for his loss. I'm sorry for your loss.

But the fact is, that the INVITATION is not the place to acknowledge her. The ceremony and reception are. You can have the fact that you're wearing her ring worked into the wording during the ring exchange of the ceremony.

You can carry her favorite flowers. Your FI can wear a bout of her favorite flower. You can add a bouquet charm with her picture to your bouquet. You can get your FI cufflinks and have his mom's name engraved on them.

You can light a candle in her memory and have her included in a prayer during the ceremony and/or during the grace before the meal.

You can have a mention of her in your program.

But a deceased person, no matter how much they were loved and how much they are missed cannot issue an invitation to anything.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

MrsEAB · December 2010

Niether his mother, nor his father and stepmother, are sending the invitation. Her parents are. The groom's mother's death does not change the fact that he is her son. That will never change. His parents being on the invitation does not in any way indicate that they are hosting the wedding or sending the invitation.

Though etiquette may be to not include a deceased relative as the hosting party - which makes sense - in the case of this bride, who is simply clarifying formally who the groom is a product of, I do think it is the right thing to do. Etiquette rules were established to prevent people from offending others, and in this case, the only option that would offend people I think would be if the mother were omitted from the invitation. Omitting her WILL surely offend any invited guests that knew her, as well as possibly the groom.

I was very formal and traditional with all of my invitations, programs, wedding plans, etc. but I do believe there are times that call for further examining of a situation and tweaking etiquette rules that may actually create the very harm they were intended to prevent.

lenee3811 · December 2010

Thank you Mrs.EAB! You have understood my point of view exactly. Thanks for clarifying I had versed it "correctly."

hz80408 · December 2010

MrsEAB, no offense, but look at how many posts you have and how many the other girls have.

OP-if you don't like the suggestion of proper etiquette, then this isn't the place to post, as most girls on here know what proper etiquette is and follow it.

I'm sorry for your loss and FI's family's loss, but the fact of the matter is that deceased persons should not be listed on the invitation.

lenee3811 · December 2010

If including my fiance's dead mother on an invitation offends someone then I sure as hell don't want them at my wedding.

I'd really like to hear from someone that has been in a situation similar to this?

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

You asked if you were doing it properly. The answer is that you're not. You can do it anyway, but that doesn't magically make it correct.

shortee426 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:e6de15c5-2e52-4d2e-b506-99edd534258a">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]"regardless of etiquette"? Sure. You can put anything on the invitation then. <strong>You can have trained monkeys inviting people to the wedding.</strong> The point is that your FI's mom has passed away. It's very sad. I'm sorry for his loss. I'm sorry for your loss. But the fact is, that the INVITATION is not the place to acknowledge her. The ceremony and reception are. You can have the fact that you're wearing her ring worked into the wording during the ring exchange of the ceremony. You can carry her favorite flowers. Your FI can wear a bout of her favorite flower. You can add a bouquet charm with her picture to your bouquet. You can get your FI cufflinks and have his mom's name engraved on them. You can light a candle in her memory and have her included in a prayer during the ceremony and/or during the grace before the meal. You can have a mention of her in your program. But a deceased person, no matter how much they were loved and how much they are missed cannot issue an invitation to anything. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for posting my idea on TK so now everyone can steal it!</div>

trix1223 · December 2010

but shortee, it was just so clever~it might start a snappy new trend.

kristinanddan · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:7d0a2da5-e02b-4b8a-a2a0-1b5c36bf818d">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, if you really follow strict etiquette, your FI's parents don't belong on the invitation at all. TRADITIONALLY, the bride's parents issued the invitation. Today, many brides do include the groom's parent's, but this is a new idea. Forty years ago it would have raised eyebrows to include "son of ----" on your invitation.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I was just going to say.

OP, just because one person agrees with you doesn't make it right. And if you're hellbent on doing it your way, why bother asking at all?

MrsEAB · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:bd0b207e-56f0-4b95-8285-34ca34f11f6e">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]MrsEAB, no offense, but look at how many posts you have and how many the other girls have. OP-if you don't like the suggestion of proper etiquette, then this isn't the place to post, as most girls on here know what proper etiquette is and follow it. I'm sorry for your loss and FI's family's loss, but the fact of the matter is that deceased persons should not be listed on the invitation.
Posted by hz80408[/QUOTE]

I was active on The Knot for over a year before my October wedding. When I moved over to The Nest, I made a new username (for several reasons). Then when I came back to The Knot, it automatically changed my name to my new Nest name. I had several hundred posts under my old Knot name, not that that really matters in the grand scheme of things. The number of ticks on a message board counter makes no one more or less correct or thoughtful.

For the record: sometimes old rules should be broken. Since this is the GROOM's parents we're talking about - who are not listed as hosts but more as a courtesay to inform all guests who his parents are - I think the more polite and less offensive thing to do is to include the groom's mother's name if his other parents are listed.

As one of the previous posters pointed out, the traditional etiquette is for the groom's parents to not be acknowledged on the invitation at all. That's the way I did it, as my family was hosting the wedding. So all of you who think it's actually offensive to include the groom's deceased mother's name on the "son of..." line must surely find it offensive to include ANY of his parents' names listed there, right? I mean, it's agains the rules!

MrsEAB · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:f0a4bc82-214d-44b8-8060-3709f1a6248b">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]If including my fiance's dead mother on an invitation offends someone then I sure as hell don't want them at my wedding. I'd really like to hear from someone that has been in a situation similar to this?
Posted by lenee3811[/QUOTE]

FYI, my father passed away several years ago. And although my mom hosted my wedding and therefore the situation doesn't really apply to me, if my husband's family was hosting and this situation was reversed, I would want my dad's name to be included along with my mom's if they were going to include the "daughter of..." line. And my parents were divorced, and I didn't have a great relationship with my dad. They still gave birth to me, and factually they will always be my parents no matter alive or dead. Twenty years from now I will still be the "daughter of..." my dead dad.

MrsEAB · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:922f3432-3913-4547-8fdb-c20a0a4742f7">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation? : My father died when I was 15. It was very hard to walk down the aisle without him, but including him on my invitation was unthinkable. My grandmother laid a rose from my wedding bouquet on his grave privately after the wedding. How dare you judge me!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

No offense, but your situation is different from the OP's because your family probably was listed as hosts on the invitation, right? OP's groom's parents aren't hosting.

herecomesthebride1986 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_add-fis-parents-late-mother-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:3aad08d1-da24-49e8-aaa2-c9d346482d52Post:fdd7a947-98d9-4bf9-8a53-a21d573197af">Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]A deceased person cannot host a wedding. It is improper for you to word the invites like that. You would be better off honoring your FI's Mom somewhere in the wedding program or by a table set up at the reception with some pics of her. There are a lot of different ways you can handle this rather than having her name on the invites.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

I agree

banana468 · December 2010

OP, Trix and CMGr are correct. You're asking the best way to do something that isn't appropriate. It's up there with 'adults only' wording as it just doesn't belong on the invitation. You can break the etiquette rule but understand that you won't be doing what's socially correct if you opt to do so.

NOLAbridealmost · December 2010

OP, I would recommend just omitting the "son of" parts from the invite entirely if your parents are the only ones paying. It is not necessary to include parents who aren't hosting the wedding and it seems like adding them in your situation is just making things more difficult.

FYIW, if your FI's dad and stepmom are paying for the wedding too, the invite should read

Your Parents Names and His Parents Names

Request the Honor of Your Presence at the Marriage of Their Children

Your Name

and

His Name.

In this situation, you would not include his deceased mom because, as everyone has pointed out, she would not be "hosting" the wedding.

How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?

Re: How to add fi's parents and late mother on invitation?

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