Unrealistic Expectations

Srbageldog · July 2010

I need to vent here for a minute.

My FI seems to have unrealistic expectations when it comes to "arguing." He seems to think that "normal people" only argue once or twice a year. We argue maybe once or twice every couple months. I grew up in an environment where my parents fought like cats and dogs every single day. From my point of view, my FI and I hardly ever argue. He claims we argue all the time, and whenever we argue, he starts thinking about leaving. I don't see how arguing here and there is grounds for ending a relationship, and frankly I'm getting tired of him threatening me with this. I feel like he wants to marry me only if I behave, but if I slip and act human or irritate him, then he doesn't want to marry me. Sometimes it feels like the marriage proposal is a carrot he is dangling in front of my nose. Either you love someone and want to be with them, or you don't. Most the time we get along great. We are best friends. Then we have a bad day or two and all of a sudden he's having second thoughts. I have suggested couples counseling, but I don't know if we'll ever actually do it or not. I just want things to be fine and feel like we're normal. Is arguing once or twice every couple months too much?

Also, my FI seems to blow things way out of proportion. Like last night, I was irritated that my computer has been running very slow and earlier in the day it kept freezing up on me. I was venting a little about it, and he got pissed off that I had a "negative attitude." I'm like, seriously, I'm not allowed to express frustration? I don't get pissed off at him when he's ranting and raving over something. I wasn't even ranting at him, I was just talking. Well this of course led to an argument, which I was then blamed for starting. I feel like I get blamed for everything and he never acknowledges that sometimes he's in the wrong. It takes two to tango. I love the guy with all my heart and I know he loves me, but I am getting really tired of always being blamed for everything. I realize that he works 60 hours a week and is tired when he gets home, but to expect life to always run smoothly and for your partner to be perfect is unrealistic. I am far from perfect, but I don't intentionally start anything. I hate arguing. I also hate feeling like I'm not allowed to have emotions other than happy. At the moment I feel like there are certain aspects of our relationship which are unhealthy, and I would llike to work on improving them so that we enjoy a genuinely happy, healthy relationship. I was just wondering if arguing once or twice every couple months is viewed as unhealthy. (These arguments tend to occur more when we have both been drinking by the way, although occasionally we have a disagreement while sober.) The arguing I'm referring to is just actual arguing, maybe raising our voices at each other, but no physical violence involved.
We both agree that we dislike the arguing, but his solution of "well then stop arguing" doesn't seem like much of a solution. How can we stop arguing and have disagreements in a more healthy way? I just want us both to be happy, but faking happiness isn't a solution.

sarah42nd · July 2010

Well my Fi comes home from working long shifts and sometimes we argue about the stupid stuff . But like he told me he just hates working so much and it wears him down . Maybe FI has an issue with his job ?

I would suggest couples counseling or premartial counseling.

I think "arguing " is fine. You both have feelings and you want to express them .

Good Luck.

KatyRoseM · July 2010

"well stop arguing" is not a solution. It takes two to have this problem, and he needs to take responsibility for his part. Also, I am a firm believer in the idea that people have emotions, and not just happy ones. It has to be ok to have other reactions. Does he ever accept that you might not be happy all the time? Is it always your fault? This seems a bit like emotional abuse to me, though I'm not an expert.

He should not be questioning if he wants to be with you for days at a time. Making his love for you conditional on your being perfect is not acceptable. You two need counseling badly, go, really. If he won't go with you go alone and make sure your being healthy and safe.

I'm sorry to be over dramatic, and I may be, but things like this can destroy a person, and you need to look into it. If he is also willing to work on it, and goes with you than this can all be alright. He can accept your human, you can accept that he wishes you didn't ever argue and that he is human. If he can't stop taking back his proposal and love if you fight, then you probably don't want to spend your life with him. This isn't ment to be harsh, but living with conditional love can be horrible and you need to think about that.

Lastly, if you fight when you drink, stop drinking. Its not helping your relationship, its not helping you, just avoid it for a while and get counseling.

Srbageldog · July 2010

I know FI hates both jobs. He has a full time job which is M-F 8-5 and then works a part time job in the evening and sometimes on Saturdays. The second job I think he enjoys a bit more, but it doesn't pay enough and is not steady enough for him to quit his other job. I know the people at his second job don't comprehend that he is already working full time on top of the work he does there. Right now I'm not working that much since my hours at work got cut, but I am looking for another job. I feel bad that I have more free time than he does, but there's not really that much I can do about it. I can't go to work if I'm not scheduled to work.

I do know that I can get very negative at times, which I am working really hard on changing. I am trying to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty. I know he doesn't like the negative attitude, and I try like hell to stay positive and optimistic, but it's hard to rewire 20+ years of damaged thinking and occasionally I get in a negative mood. I think the fact that I also hate my current job and am miserable with it plays a big role in everything. I come home from work (when I do work) in a terrible mood, which doesn't help anything. Hopefully a better job will come along and things will get better.

Thank you for the advice, I do appreciate it. I definitely think I will insist on premarital counseling, if nothing else.

KatyRoseM · July 2010

It is hard to rewire years of thinking negatively, but please remember he also needs to accept you as you. Anyway, good luck with counceling.

Srbageldog · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unrealistic-expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:864a0cd4-bfee-495c-aefa-9bafc0c7fa71Post:6ffd258d-8d06-45b4-bdd1-94218682e213">Re: Unrealistic Expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]"well stop arguing" is not a solution. It takes two to have this problem, and he needs to take responsibility for his part. Also, I am a firm believer in the idea that people have emotions, and not just happy ones. It has to be ok to have other reactions. Does he ever accept that you might not be happy all the time? Is it always your fault? This seems a bit like emotional abuse to me, though I'm not an expert. He should not be questioning if he wants to be with you for days at a time. Making his love for you conditional on your being perfect is not acceptable. You two need counseling badly, go, really. If he won't go with you go alone and make sure your being healthy and safe. I'm sorry to be over dramatic, and I may be, but things like this can destroy a person, and you need to look into it. If he is also willing to work on it, and goes with you than this can all be alright. He can accept your human, you can accept that he wishes you didn't ever argue and that he is human. If he can't stop taking back his proposal and love if you fight, then you probably don't want to spend your life with him. This isn't ment to be harsh, but living with conditional love can be horrible and you need to think about that. Lastly, if you fight when you drink, stop drinking. Its not helping your relationship, its not helping you, just avoid it for a while and get counseling.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

These things have crossed my mind many, many times. And I agree 100% that he should not be questioning whether he wants to be with me or not for days on end. Love should not have conditions. I have talked to him about this.
I know we both need counseling. Right now I'm just not sure if we can financially afford it.
Thank you for your concern, I really do appreciate it. I just want my relationship to be healthy.

Blueyed228 · July 2010

If he is saying he doesnt want to marry you during these fights then you should really have a serious talk with him about your relationship.

Maybe counseling can help you communicate better.

FI and I argue alot but "I dont want to marry you" is never thrown out.

KatyRoseM · July 2010

There are a lot of cheep counseling options. Look into church related ones (sometimes they are not about religion and are very good) or sliding pay scale ones. Depending on where you are there can be a lot of options. I hope that helps, and I hope he understands that making love conditional is problematic and also wants to work on things.

sarah42nd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unrealistic-expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:864a0cd4-bfee-495c-aefa-9bafc0c7fa71Post:fe54d33d-81ff-4ccf-82d4-76b451f15ed2">Re: Unrealistic Expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]I know FI hates both jobs. He has a full time job which is M-F 8-5 and then works a part time job in the evening and sometimes on Saturdays. The second job I think he enjoys a bit more, but it doesn't pay enough and is not steady enough for him to quit his other job. I know the people at his second job don't comprehend that he is already working full time on top of the work he does there. Right now I'm not working that much since my hours at work got cut, but I am looking for another job. I feel bad that I have more free time than he does, but there's not really that much I can do about it. I can't go to work if I'm not scheduled to work. I do know that I can get very negative at times, which I am working really hard on changing. I am trying to see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty. I know he doesn't like the negative attitude, and I try like hell to stay positive and optimistic, but it's hard to rewire 20+ years of damaged thinking and occasionally I get in a negative mood. I think the fact that I also hate my current job and am miserable with it plays a big role in everything. I come home from work (when I do work) in a terrible mood, which doesn't help anything. Hopefully a better job will come along and things will get better. Thank you for the advice, I do appreciate it. I definitely think I will insist on premarital counseling, if nothing else.
Posted by Srbageldog[/QUOTE]

Work is totally a factor in this then. My FI is basically starting to HATE his job and it puts him in a bad mood. So when he gets home he doesn't want to be a bad mood at home too . So if I am in a bad mood and he is in a bad mood thenit is easier to argue over the stupid stuff. I do agree that he should not be throwing the engagement in your face when you argue.

vegasgroom · July 2010

I think it's normal to argue occassionally, or more often if you're both emotional types. Ever since I started college I've always worked a lot and at jobs where I'm on call or otherwise have to deal with high stress so I've just become used to it and really don't get bothered by much of anything anymore; if I get pissed off at work, I'll cuss about it but my FI tends to get me thinking about something else and then its out of my mind for the time. FI is much more dramatic though, things that are not a big deal she sometimes gets worked up about and I have to calm her down. We really have probably only argued twice in the past year, and both were minor things, we both apologized probably an hour later and everything was good.

So I think it all comes down to the personalities; it sounds like you are more emotional and easily frustrated, but then your FI misinterprets simple frustration at life's daily chaos and blows it out of proportion like you have some kind of problem. I'm no fan of counseling but at the very least I think you two need to figure out what exactly is prompting him to make the thinking about leaving comments; that's not normal for an engaged couple, that's something you do in 8th grade when you want to go to football and your girlfriend wants to go to movies. If you're at the stage where you've both made the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone and are basically just waiting for the ceremony to make it legal, that is not a comment that either side should be making.

SarahPLiz · July 2010

I think we have talked before. It doenst sound like its getting any better. If you have to be someone other than yourself for him to "love" you, then you need to just leave now. I did that for 6 years and I'm so glad I didn't marry him. It was hard to leave because he did have good qualities, and we were comfortable in our dysfunction, but I finally realized that the dysfunction and resentment were not healthy. I think you need to come to that realization too.

My ex and I used to argue all the time, and he always made me feel inadequate. I never voiced how inadequate he was for me.

FI and I rarely argue. We talk about stuff, and discuss it, but we respect each other and have very good communication. We know instinctively how to reach each other, even when we are frustrated. It is like night and day from my previous relationship. I almost can't even believe it.

I think you need to be with someone who values you enough to listen to your point of view and to go to counseling with you to work on communication issues. I see red flags, and I don't want you to have to put up with feeling that way.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Regardless of what you're arguing about, saying that he doesn't want to marry you is unacceptable. He can't hold your marriage over you as a way to shut you up every time you don't agree with him.

Every couple argues. I'm a firm believer that the ones who hold it all in and say "we never fight" are the ones with the most issues because they never get anything out. You can't be expected to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life, no matter how stressful his jobs are. If your irritated over your computer freezing, then you have a right to say so.

I hate to say this, as it's the last thing I'd want to hear, but I suggest couples counseling as well. He needs to learn how to fight fair, and maybe you could learn how to be more positive, since you said you know you are negative.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

You need to learn HOW to argue. DH and I usually say that we don't fight, but we do disagree. But we know how to disagree without taking it personally, and we know how to read each other, so I can tell pretty much immediately if I've done something to make him mad. We hold differing opinions about a lot of things, but I've never felt like it's come between us.

DH also has an exhausting job that he hates. So he talks about work a LOT, and I encourage it. That way, he doesn't end up blowing some little thing out of proportion because he's actually pissed off about work, instead he'll vent about whatever frustrations he dealt with for the day, I'll be sympathetic and reassuring, and he'll feel better. We also give each other quite a bit of space in the evenings especially on rough days, so if we have some frustration to work out, we do so through video games and the like rather than through fights with each other. (Le tme tell you, nothing soothes a tough day of work like ripping a guy's arms off in God of War.)

So yeah, we've never really "fought," and we've certainly never yelled at each other or said something we regret. Maintaining that takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, and a lot of understanding. I know a lot of people don't like counseling, but it can really give you the tools you need to get to a point where these problems aren't relationship-threatening.

luckyme502 · July 2010

FI and I used to argue like that. But we used to always say, "You can leave!" We talked about it and neither one of us really wanted the other to leave, we were just angry and upset. We also think we argue a "normal" amount, probably a couple times a year. I'm not talking about little daily stuff, but big arguments.

We agreed to stop talking about leaving, because that is not an option any more. We love each other very much, we just aren't always going to get along or agree on everything.

Srbageldog · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_unrealistic-expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:864a0cd4-bfee-495c-aefa-9bafc0c7fa71Post:f684797f-5e7f-44b0-b6de-265707da3229">Re: Unrealistic Expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I used to argue like that. But we used to always say, "You can leave!" We talked about it and neither one of us really wanted the other to leave, we were just angry and upset. We also think we argue a "normal" amount, probably a couple times a year. I'm not talking about little daily stuff, but big arguments. We agreed to stop talking about leaving, because that is not an option any more. We love each other very much, we just aren't always going to get along or agree on everything.
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

I think this is very similar to the situation with my FI and myself. How did you and your FI finally agree to stop talking about leaving? My FI tells me, even when we're in the midst of an argument, that he loves me, but that I irritate the f**k out of him sometimes (and vice versa.) I would just like the threats of him leaving to subside. It stresses me out a great deal, wondering if he actually means it.

jenn.daniel · July 2010

Working a lot really takes a toll on a person. FI is lucky if he's only at the hospital 60 hours a week (med student), and the longer he's been working the more grumpy he tends to be. When I was in grad school I always worked at least 50 hours a week, so I kind of know what he's going through. Generally it helps to let out whatever frustrations there were (ie the annoying co-worker) to relieve tension.

After finishing grad school, I've only been able to work part-time. Since I have so much more free time, I try to make home-life easier on FI by fixing dinner or throwing the laundry in for him (chores that are normally split evenly). FI LOVES food, so surprising him with a special dinner occassionally really makes him happy.

The thing is, it still goes both ways. If you have a bad day, like you said, he needs to support YOU. Tell him that even though you're not working as much as he is, sometimes you do have bad days and you need him to be there for you so you can vent. Work on communicating.

We've found that it really helps if you warn the other person that they're starting to get upset, so we should go on a walk or do something else distracting. It really helps to stop that frustration before someone really starts to get angry.

loritajean · July 2010

FI and I argue maybe once every 2 weeks? and it always blows over right away.

I say you're both in really good shape! Most of the couples I know argue almost every day (seriously). I consider my FI and I to be a couple that hardly ever fights by comparison.

jemmini6 · July 2010

communication is key in a marriage. i think maybe you should sit down with him to have a chat. perhaps even read everything on this board directly to him (including your original post). maybe if he reads for himself not only how what he's doing is making you feel, but also that it's not just you that finds it ridiculous, he might understand that he's been overreacting a little bit. it doesn't sound so serious that you might need counseling just yet, but if he can't learn to have a healthy conversation (and even an arguement every once and a while) then perhaps a little counseling might do some good.

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