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May 2010 Weddings

I love my mother, but...

Sometimes I really hate her too.

My parents are VERY acrimoniously divorced.  Like, 18 years of constant court battles, with at least 3 more to go.    Here's the trouble.  My mother is clinging to her "RIGHTS" as a mother-of-the-bride, and insisting, truly insisting, that she be invited to the bridal shower that my dad's family would like to host.  I mean, drag down, blow out, cat fight insisting that it is her right and entitlement as the mother of the bride to be there.  I get that, but why is this whole divorce problem so hard to comprehend. I mean, she doesn't like them. They don't like her.  She's not welcome at any of their houses.  And if she shows up, they'll leave.  Plus, I won't be able to enjoy myself at all because I'll be pulled in 2 directions.  I have to spend time with my dad's family, because they're hosting, but they don't like my mom.  My mom will sit and sulk in a corner that no one is spending time with her, and then I'll feel obligated to spend all my time with her. 

She and my sister have already told me, in no soft terms, that I'm the worlds worst daughter for not insisting my mother be invited to my dad's family shower.

This is why I told all my family that I didn't want a bridal shower.  No one listened to me.  They told me I was being silly, and that a bride MUST have a bridal shower,  It's tradition.   Can't we just please screw tradition for the sake of my sanity?

Re: I love my mother, but...

  • Holy crap....That's quite a burden you've got yourself. Now from my outsider's view I have no idea why your mother would even WANT to be at a shower thrown for you by people she doesn't care for and who do not care for her. It makes no sense. It seems she's being a bit ridiculous about the whole thing and not considering your feelings and how that would affect you. Bonus points to you for trying to avoid the situation completely, but it seems you may be past that point now (unless dad's family could be pursuaded to cancel, but that doesn't sound likely either) and would inevitably offend someone or hurt their feelings if you just blew it off. I'm terribly sorry for all of the stress you're under, and it seems that suggesting you try to have a sit down with her and reason this out would be a waste of time. What if you told your mom it was cancelled...but it wasn't. Sometimes we have to be sneaky brides don't we?? I'm sure this would somehow backfire or she would find out, but it was a fun thought. Unfortunately I don't have a brilliant suggestion for you, but I do want to say you are in no way the worlds worst daughter and it sounds as though you've been extremely considerate of everyone's feelings, and are not receiving the same courtesy. I'm sorry :( You'll have to let us know how it all plays out, I wish I could offer a solution or at least a decent suggestion. Fingers crossed for your sanity!!
  • What a wonderful response above! I just want to reiterate what has already been said: you are not a bad daughter (quite the contrary) and it's sad that you are being emotionally blackmailed. For your mom I think it's a power struggle thing - otherwise I can't see why she'd want to be there.

    Is there an option for her to host you a shower as well? I know that that's one extra superflouous event but might it make her feel better?

    If not then I would keep it secret and tell her it was cancelled, or at leas think about it.

    WIshing you luck and strength to deal with this minefield - I know it must be a huge stress for you.
  • molly said it all...and very eloquently i might add.

    i vote for the weekend trip with fi that onlymels suggested!  since none of them seem to get the fact that you didn't want a shower to begin with, let them have the party without you since they are so insistent on it!  they can duke it out and you won't be stuck in the middle.

    lol...that sounds really good on paper.  not sure how viable it is in reality.

    good luck and let us know how this plays out.  we're here for you!
  • I have no suggestiosn but just wanted to lend my support in the case that you are most certainly NOT a bad daughter and let you know I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this. :-(
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  • In Response to Re: I love my mother, but...:
    [QUOTE]I have no suggestiosn but just wanted to lend my support in the case that you are most certainly NOT a bad daughter and let you know I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this. :-(
    Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]

    Same here, you are DEFINITELY not a bad daughter
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  • wow! I am so sorry your family has put you in such an awful situation! You are not a bad daughter..... in fact you seem very patient daughter! xx fingers crossed xx hope everything turns out okay!
  • It seems your Mom wants to be there just to prove she can be - another excuse to give the former in-laws a "f-you I do what I want". You are not a bad daughter, she is being quite immature and selfishly putting her petty fights into what should be a fun day for you.

    I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your Mom, but if it were me, I'd just say "Mom, you're not invited and cannot attend if you want to have a shower then throw one." You cannot force your in-laws to invite anyone to their party. They are hosting, they decide who's invited.

    Good luck.
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  • I don't mean to be snarky... and I know I don't post on here often... but I felt a need to reply. Is your sister attending? If she is, then can't she keep your mom company? If everyone has to be together for your wedding day and stand one another... can't they do the same for your shower? I think it would be up to them to put their differences aside for you. I guess I just could not imagine not having my mom at my shower and I would be the one to push to have her there. Of course, everyone's situation is different. The other option, as people have said, is actually the traditional way. Have 2 showers- one on your dad's side and one on your mom's side. That way everyone is happy. Good luck with everything I hope it all works out!

  • You can ask your mom to host one of her own.  She may like that even more.
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  • In Response to Re: I love my mother, but...:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I love my mother, but... : Same here, you are DEFINITELY not a bad daughter
    Posted by kate8987[/QUOTE]

    ditto- hugs for you.
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