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No Childrennnn!!!

yesimuslucayesimusluca
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We are having our wedding in a dimly lit, rustic, castle-like building that's very romantic, and neither of us want children there. We want it to be about us with our friends and family, without our guests having to run after their kids or worrying about the kids knocking stuff over or missing their bedtimes etc. I mentioned that we were considering having no kids at our ceremony to my uncle, who has 2 stepdaughters aged 6, and he said that he was not leaving his kids at home and that we could not prohibit immediate family from bringing their kids. This and similar conversations with other guests have made me think: since when is this your day? Isn't this supposed to be our day and about honoring what we want and the way we want to celebrate? Any help on how we can deal with people insisting on bringing their kids against our wishes? We also do not have the budget to include kids; we have to keep our guest list to a minimum and can't afford all the kids. Any suggestions???
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Re: No Childrennnn!!!

  • shortee426shortee426 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:e70b0e8d-57bc-4b49-9554-b472ac3497b9">No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having our wedding in a dimly lit, rustic, castle-like building that's very romantic, and neither of us want children there. We want it to be about us with our friends and family, without our guests having to run after their kids or worrying about the kids knocking stuff over or missing their bedtimes etc. I mentioned that we were considering having no kids at our ceremony to my uncle, who has 2 stepdaughters aged 6, and he said that he was not leaving his kids at home and that <strong>we could not prohibit immediate family from bringing their kids.</strong> This and similar conversations with other guests have made me think: since when is this your day? Isn't this supposed to be our day and about honoring what we want and the way we want to celebrate? Any help on how we can deal with people insisting on bringing their kids against our wishes? We also do not have the budget to include kids; we have to keep our guest list to a minimum and can't afford all the kids. Any suggestions???
    Posted by yesimusluca[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Actually, you can.  By not putting them on the invite ;-)

    </div>
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  • golden1215golden1215 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    You dont have to invite children, I tend to think 12-16 range is a good cut off.  Just address invites with the names of the actual invited people only and if they rsvp for kids be prepared to call and explain that due to budget/size/your wishes etc etc this is an adult only event.  Be ready for hurt feelings and some people might not come, but its up to them.

    The exception to the rule is very young babies.  They are always allowed to come.
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  • kcscejalkcscejal member
    First Comment
    Don't put them on the invite.  If they RSVP for them call and say sorry but its an adult only wedding and the invite was only for those listed.  If they whine and cry but their precious little baby has to come or they won't tell them you'll miss them, but you can't accommodate children.
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  • kcscejalkcscejal member
    First Comment
    edited December 2010
    Very young babies aren't always the exception.  It's nice to make them the exception because they're harder to leave, especially if breastfeeding but the parents of the baby not coming is always an option.
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  • golden1215golden1215 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:b11d529e-4fbe-4a0e-8192-b3c2c4d15751">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Very young babies aren't always the exception.  It's nice to make them the exception because they're harder to leave, especially if breastfeeding but the parents of the baby not coming is always an option.
    Posted by kcscejal[/QUOTE]

    99% of people on here will agree with me that infants are the exception to the "no kids" rule as they are not easily left at home with a sitter and you shouldnt invite a guest <em>assuming</em> they wont come.  Infants are way easier than toddlers and young kids, those are the ones who really run a muck.
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  • PsyDet 2155PsyDet 2155
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:03c083f9-1eac-484e-b9df-1c551f3cb91f">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to No Childrennnn!!! : Actually, you can.  By not putting them on the invite ;-)
    Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

    This.
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  • kcscejalkcscejal member
    First Comment
    I would personally invite infants to my wedding, but it is ok for there to be a truly adult only wedding.  Would I do it? No.  Are infants often the exception. Yes.  Do they absolutely have to be? No.
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  • NatandIsaacNatandIsaac
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:5d444af7-396d-4539-9007-836e8726800b">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Childrennnn!!! : 99% of people on here will agree with me that infants are the exception to the "no kids" rule as they are not easily left at home with a sitter and you shouldnt invite a guest assuming they wont come.  Infants are way easier than toddlers and young kids, those are the ones who really run a muck.
    Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed. If you are serious about not wanting a newborn/nursing baby at your event, then don't invite the parents; they are a package deal.</div>
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  • shortee426shortee426 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    It is not absolutely necessary to make infants an exception to a "no kids" wedding.  However most people, myself included, feel that it is the appropriate thing to do.
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  • ckonidakckonidak member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Ditto PP.

    Address your invites carefully, making sure to not put "and family" or anything like that. And be prepared for a backlash from some people. FI and I are also doing an Adults-Only evening (our venue contract actually has a clause that if children aren't attended and watched carefully that the reserve the right to kick them out). Some family members have expressed that they would rather bring their kids, but I'm prepared to call them and explain the situation. FI and I don't want kids there, and we are prepared to deal with the consequences. If you feel the same, then go for it and stick to your guns. Deciding on newborns/infants, etc is up to you.
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  • SD3194SD3194 member
    First Comment
    I'm putting "adult only reception' on my reception cards and also addressing to the parents only. You can always hire someone to watch the kids in a seperate room at the wedding. I don't have any kids on my side of the family so I'm leaving it up to my FMIL to inform his side. Some people are going to have a serious problem with this but just politely tell them children aren't welcome. If they don't come, so be it.
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  • kcscejalkcscejal member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:e0e999c9-2290-45cf-bb61-b7d1b087e051">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm putting "adult only reception' on my reception cards and also addressing to the parents only. You can always hire someone to watch the kids in a seperate room at the wedding. I don't have any kids on my side of the family so I'm leaving it up to my FMIL to inform his side. Some people are going to have a serious problem with this but just politely tell them children aren't welcome. If they don't come, so be it.
    Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]
    You shouldn't put that on your invites.  You should never mention who isn't invited on the invitation.  Just address it to the parents.
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  • shortee426shortee426 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:77523a0f-738b-4307-b538-ab54dba4d429">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Childrennnn!!! : You shouldn't put that on your invites.  You should never mention who isn't invited on the invitation.  Just address it to the parents.
    Posted by kcscejal[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  Don't put it on your website either.  Or anywhere.</div>
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  • GeauxTigers17GeauxTigers17 member
    First Comment
    SD3914 - Putting "adult only reception" on a reception card is strictly against etiquette. If someone RSVPs with a child, call and let them know what the deal is, but otherwise just address the invitations like you plan. 
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  • sister2groomsister2groom
    First Comment
    I definitely agree a no-kids wedding is reasonable, but I would be careful with the reasoning you give. The fact that you want an adult reception is plenty enough of a reason.

    It rubs me the wrong way (and I don't even have kids) when couples say they have kid-free weddings for the convenience of guests, or so that guests won't have to worry about their kids. I mean for all you know they'd be more worried about leaving the kids with a sitter, and finding a sitter is not always easy. I'm sure you don't mean it, but it sounds a bit presumptuous, like you know better than they do what's convenient for them, because if it was that much more convenient or that much less stress you wouldn't have to not invite the kids, the parents would just leave them home anyhow.
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  • SD3194SD3194 member
    First Comment
    Oh gotcha. I didn't realize you weren't supposed to do that. Good thing I haven't ordered them yet :) Thanks.
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Your uncle sounds like a jerk. I guess you can't literally "prohibit" him from bringing his children, but of course you can choose who you want to invite and it's perfectly reasonable to not invite children. Though short of physically kicking them out, I have no idea what you do if your uncle decides to bring them knowing they weren't invited.

    And no, infants are not always the exception. I've never seen an infant at a wedding. Ever.
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  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:542f1996-5be4-4fb3-a2d3-2eb43f89fb7e">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your uncle sounds like a jerk. I guess you can't literally "prohibit" him from bringing his children, but of course you can choose who you want to invite and it's perfectly reasonable to not invite children. Though short of physically kicking them out, I have no idea what you do if your uncle decides to bring them knowing they weren't invited. And no, infants are not always the exception.<strong> I've never seen an infant at a wedding. Ever.
    </strong>Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

    Wow, I'm surprised.  We had a few at our wedding.  They were no problem.  H's cousin's toddler, on the other hand...

    OP, like everyone else said, you don't have to invite the kids if you don't want to.  However, be prepared for the backlash and for people to choose not to come.  I also don't think you have to justify your choice to anyone.  It's your party, you choose the guests, period, and there is nothing socially inacceptable or against etiquette about not inviting children.  Plenty of parties don't invite children - company Christmas parties come to mind - so it's not unheard of by any means.

    If you're really concerned that people won't understand that their kids aren't invited, you can set up your RSVP cards to indicate specifically who is invited.  Something like  ___ of 2 will attend or even listing each invitee individually

    Jack Smith will attend _________
    Jane Smith will attend_________

    Or. of there is a meal choice

    Jack Smith   Chicken     Beef     Unable to attend
    Jane Smith   Chicken    Beef     Unable to attend
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  • lisalou402lisalou402 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Except for my niece and nephew, i'm having no small children,  About 6 months ago, my cousin asked if her 2 year old was invited....I explained, that other than niece and nephew, there would be no small children.  She was fine with it to me.  Apparently this week, behind my back, she said "no, my son isn't allowed to come to the wedding" and seemed upset.

    It was the only backlash.  I'll be over it.

    I have also never seen an infant at a wedding.
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  • bmassbmass member
    First Comment
    I'm having a cut off of 16-years-old and up, besides my flower-girl and ring barer. I figured that if they RSVP the kids, I can just call them and explain. It costs a lot to add on children at certain places and, quite frankly, I'm not made of money. If they don't come because their child can't, then you just have more space for other people you want to invite and/or you save money. Wink
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  • waitingformaywaitingformay
    First Comment
    To me it sounded like the uncle was planning on showing up with his children. What do you do in that case? When an uninvited guest just shows up?
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  • IrishBrideNDIrishBrideND
    First Comment
    as a mother, I don't get why infants are the exeption. I really don't. I left DD with a sitter when she was 3 weeks old (THE HORROR) because she wasn't invited to a wedding. I BF, it still wasn't a big deal. If I wasn't comfortable, I wouldn't have gone. End of story.

    3 week olds, although easier than toddlers, can still be distruptive. Plus I personally wouldn't want to subject my newborn to loud noises and such that tend to be at receptions.
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  • L-BrideL-Bride member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:542f1996-5be4-4fb3-a2d3-2eb43f89fb7e">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your uncle sounds like a jerk. I guess you can't literally "prohibit" him from bringing his children, but of course you can choose who you want to invite and it's perfectly reasonable to not invite children. Though short of physically kicking them out, I have no idea what you do if your uncle decides to bring them knowing they weren't invited. And no, infants are not always the exception. <strong>I've never seen an infant at a wedding. Ever.
    </strong>Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

    I have also never seen an infant at a wedding. We had several new moms at my wedding and none of them brought their babies.  That being said, I would have been fine if they had.

    OP: Sorry about your uncle. Some people feel very entitled when it comes to their children. I find this odd since my parents never would have taken this kind of stance for me, and rightly so. IMO children do not get to attend or do everything the adults do. You're not doing anything wrong.
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  • ohwhynotohwhynot member
    First Comment
    Andplusalso, your uncle isn't even immediate family.  He can suck an egg.
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  • shortee426shortee426 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:2c420d3d-b1fd-4032-ac50-e90ed94b5b2a">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]as a mother, I don't get why infants are the exeption. I really don't. I left DD with a sitter when she was 3 weeks old (THE HORROR) because she wasn't invited to a wedding. I BF, it still wasn't a big deal. If I wasn't comfortable, I wouldn't have gone. End of story. 3 week olds, although easier than toddlers, can still be distruptive. Plus I personally wouldn't want to subject my newborn to loud noises and such that tend to be at receptions.
    Posted by IrishBrideND[/QUOTE]

    <div>The exception is often made for multiple reasons.  If the mother is breastfeeding it might be hard to leave the infant.  Also, sometimes new mothers don't yet have a sitter that they know/trust with such a young child (and Grandma might not live close by).  That's not say that is the situation for ALL mothers with infants, but it's nice accommodate for those that are in that situation.</div>
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  • Mary Susan and ChrisMary Susan and Chris member
    First Comment
    I didn't want children at my reception but family coming from out of town can't be expected to leave their children at home or find a sitter in a state they are not familiar  with. So I have set up three sitters, I teach high school, and a seperate room for the children during the reception. There will be games, Tv, and toys for them so they can have fun and so can the parents. They aslo are getting special meals from the caterer in the room.
    This solved the whole problem. I have also let parents know that the room is where they are to be during the reception. I also did not include names of children on the invitation for the friends and family that are local.
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  • IrishBrideNDIrishBrideND
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:0abebbbc-d564-41a7-a69c-e400e085e6de">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Childrennnn!!! : The exception is often made for multiple reasons.  If the mother is breastfeeding it might be hard to leave the infant.  Also, sometimes new mothers don't yet have a sitter that they know/trust with such a young child (and Grandma might not live close by).  That's not say that is the situation for ALL mothers with infants, but it's nice accommodate for those that are in that situation.
    Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]

    I understand why some make that exception. My point is I don't get why so many on this board think people MUST make that exception.
    I don't live near family at all. We still made it work. And if we couldn't find someone we trusted, only one of us would have gone. I don't expect others to accomodate my breeding choices.
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  • shortee426shortee426 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:9541d8ae-aa26-46ee-aa76-6d719044c2f6">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Childrennnn!!! : I understand why some make that exception. My point is I don't get why so many on this board think people MUST make that exception. I don't live near family at all. We still made it work. And if we couldn't find someone we trusted, only one of us would have gone. I don't expect others to accomodate my breeding choices.
    Posted by IrishBrideND[/QUOTE]

    <div>I understand what you're saying.  My personal belief is that it is not REQUIRED to make exceptions for infants, but it is nice to.  I don't plan on putting any infants on my invites (I actually can only think of 1 anyway), however if the parents approach me and say they won't be able to make it without brining baby I will tell them to bring her along!</div>
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  • L-BrideL-Bride member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_childrennnn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6b02809-1231-4b5f-9f74-aeb35eb07780Post:9541d8ae-aa26-46ee-aa76-6d719044c2f6">Re: No Childrennnn!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Childrennnn!!! : I understand why some make that exception. My point is I don't get why so many on this board think people MUST make that exception. I don't live near family at all. We still made it work. And if we couldn't find someone we trusted, only one of us would have gone. I don't expect others to accomodate my breeding choices.
    Posted by IrishBrideND[/QUOTE]

    A mom that gets it. I love it.
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  • IrishBrideNDIrishBrideND
    First Comment
    shortee: that makees sense

    Lbride: some of us are sane ;)
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