Wedding Woes

This is a C&P. I repeat, this is a C&P.

The responses to this were somewhat divided, and I was curious about what all of you thought:

Between a Rock&Hard Place .. Advice Please?

 

At this time in my life I dont know who else to turn to discuss this and I'm hoping you ladies would be willing to give your two-cents ...

 

 

H and I are living with my parents to save $$ for our own house.  We've been looking and I contact a company for a preapproval on a mortgage, to make a long story short - on the credit report they found my H has a mortgage in foreclosure.  H admitted to it and said he had been meaning to tell me btu did not know it was going into foreclosure (he had signed his parents' mortgage for them a few years ago)...

 

Met with a lawyer today, and bascially the ILs are so far into the foreclosure there isn't much we can do to save ourselves (well more so, my H).  To protect our assets they need to be transferred to my name.  Once the home is sold (we are pushing ILs to agree to this) it is likely a deficiency judgment will be made against my H to cover the remaining cost to the mortgage company they don't get from the sale, meaning they will garnish my H's wages - ultimately leaving H and I to live on my income alone.

 

Not only do I feel betrayed that H and his family never told me any of this prior to our marriage or anything ... but I also feel a huge black cloud over H and I for quite some time (10 years? due to credit).... How will we ever move forward in life ... How will we ever get a home of our own ... be able to afford starting a family ....

 

My parents feel it isn't in my best interest to stay with H due to deception of this information and the way he doesn't quite stand up for himself, show ability/motivation/determination to move forward in life start a family, have a house, etc. etc. 

 

I dont' know what to feel ... one hand I'm super pissed and ready to boot him, next minute I feel it isn't entirely his faul he didnt ask Qs and he was just being nice signing the mortgage blah blah ....

 

Two-cents from anyone?

 

**************************************************************************************************

Now, nighttime Knotties, remember, this is something I copied and pasted from another board.  I do NOT have a husband who has a house in foreclosure, or parents who are advising me to divorce my husband for any reason.  If you respond to the original post here, then the woman who is having this problem will never, ever see your pearls of wisdom.  In order to grace her life with your advice, you will need to post here:

http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60716579.aspx

***************************************************************************************************

 

All right, now tell me your opinion.

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Re: This is a C&P. I repeat, this is a C&P.

  • edited December 2011
    This is why hmo advocates pulling papers on your future spouse.

    I think this is a pretty big deal breaker.
    image
  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I would be beyond pissed at no one telling me. How could she not even know her IL's were in foreclosure. I mean beyond the part of not telling that he had his name on the mortgage papers, that is just basic communication. It is all so baffling to me and I'd be outta there. Also, why are her parents getting involved? Be adults and figure out your own problems. If mom and dad don't approve, then let them kick those two idiots out.
  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How long ago was the mortgage signed?  What were the efforts (if any) to save the house?  What is the relationship like with the parents - are they going to be forever bailing them out?  How long have they been married or in a relationship?  If I were in a long-term relationship/marriage with someone, there would be some serious counseling involved and the H would need to get 2-3 jobs to compensate.  I would become the financial manager of everything and his parents wouldn't see another dime (if the house was lost due to irresponsibility and not major medical issues).

    If the time together had been short, I'd probably buy my own damn house, move out on my own and send him some divorce papers.  More than four men, yo.
    imageimage
  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_this-cp-repeat-this-cp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b3f4362a-6bc6-46b7-8a74-f8a94edc17b5Post:d2075f03-02de-4bce-873d-60c44a4cae9d">This is a C&P. I repeat, this is a C&P.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont' know what to feel ... one hand I'm super pissed and ready to boot him, next minute I feel it isn't entirely his faul he didnt ask Qs and he was just being nice signing the mortgage blah blah .... 
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    It's NOT his fault for just signing a mortgage out of niceness?  Did I read that correctly?  Wow.

    And as far as her parents being upset: you bet your ass I'd be pissed off if this happened to one of my children.  This is a huge thing to have kept secret from her, foreclosure or not.  I can't really say how involved I'd get, but I know I couldn't sit silently and watch, that's for sure.
  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think you should divorce him ASAP.   Definitely don't start a family with this douche or you'll be stuck to his broke ass for life.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Flo!

    *shaking fist*
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  • lynxbbgirllynxbbgirl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OH MY GOSH! That seems crazy. I would be pissed if H didn't tell me about something like this. Sounds like they need to sit down now and figure out what in the heck they are going to do now they are in this situation...
    Anniversary
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_this-cp-repeat-this-cp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b3f4362a-6bc6-46b7-8a74-f8a94edc17b5Post:d2075f03-02de-4bce-873d-60c44a4cae9d">This is a C&P. I repeat, this is a C&P.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The responses to this were somewhat divided, and I was curious about what all of you thought: Between a Rock&Hard Place .. Advice Please?   <div>
    </div><div>At this time in my life I dont know who else to turn to discuss this and I'm hoping you ladies would be willing to give your two-cents ...    </div><div>
    </div><div> H and I are living with my parents to save $$ for our own house.  We've been looking and I contact a company for a preapproval on a mortgage, to make a long story short - on the credit report they found my H has a mortgage in foreclosure.  H admitted to it and said he had been meaning to tell me btu did not know it was going into foreclosure (he had signed his parents' mortgage for them a few years ago)...  </div><div> Met with a lawyer today, and bascially the ILs are so far into the foreclosure there isn't much we can do to save ourselves (well more so, my H).  To protect our assets they need to be transferred to my name.  Once the home is sold (we are pushing ILs to agree to this) it is likely a deficiency judgment will be made against my H to cover the remaining cost to the mortgage company they don't get from the sale, meaning they will garnish my H's wages - ultimately leaving H and I to live on my income alone.  </div><div>
    </div><div> Not only do I feel betrayed that H and his family never told me any of this prior to our marriage or anything ... but I also feel a huge black cloud over H and I for quite some time (10 years? due to credit).... How will we ever move forward in life ... How will we ever get a home of our own ... be able to afford starting a family ....   My parents feel it isn't in my best interest to stay with H due to deception of this information and the way he doesn't quite stand up for himself, show ability/motivation/determination to move forward in life start a family, have a house, etc. etc.   </div><div>
    </div><div> I dont' know what to feel ... one hand I'm super pissed and ready to boot him, next minute I feel it isn't entirely his faul he didnt ask Qs and he was just being nice signing the mortgage blah blah ....   Two-cents from anyone?   ************************************************************************************************** Now, nighttime Knotties, remember, this is something I copied and pasted from another board.  I do NOT have a husband who has a house in foreclosure, or parents who are advising me to divorce my husband for any reason.  If you respond to the original post here, then the woman who is having this problem will never, ever see your pearls of wisdom.  In order to grace her life with your advice, you will need to post here: <a href="http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60716579.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60716579.aspx</a> ***************************************************************************************************   All right, now tell me your opinion.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    </div><div>Now that I can read it - she's an idiot. "He was just being nice, it's not his fault he didn't ask questions...." Come on. Really? A grown-ass man cosigns a mortgage and doesn't ask questions? </div><div>
    </div><div>If she stays, she's going to have to be responsible for all the financial decisions, all the time, because he obviously can't be trusted. Is that something that he can handle, or does he need the freedom to continue being a fuckup? Money is one of the big three reasons to divorce - I think I'd rather do it while it's still just money, and no one's added kids. </div>
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Aw, AF beat me to it. I honestly sometimes think lying about finances is a bigger deal than cheating. At the very least they're equal in terms of being indicative of major character flaws.
  • edited December 2011
    see, i can't imagine this is such a horrific deception because it is the guy's parents, not some ex girlfriend or a former coworker or anything.

    But it affects his credit, which directly affects hers once they are married. I think it should be disclosed as part of the 'if you marry me, this is the sh_t you have to deal with' conversation that people should have before marriage.
    image
  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    zilla - I think it's more the fact that he didn't tell her about any of this and now that they are so deep in the foreclosure process they can't do much about it.   To find out by looking at a credit report is bullshit.

    kuus - weren't you and your DH talking about buying a second home to rent out?  How will this effect those plans?
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    KUUS, YOU TOTALLY NEED TO LEAVE YOUR H. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD EVER PUT UP WITH THAT!!! MR KUUS SHOULD BE TARRED, FEATHERED, AND FLOGGED!!! DISEMBOWELMENT MAY BE IN ORDER!!!


    ....for me, this would be divorce-worthy. there are so many problems here:

    1) living with the parents "to save money" - no, just no. they're married, presumably adults - they need to support themselves. the only reason I could ever see living with parents after marriage is if someone's health is failing, and they need round the clock care. (and honestly, call me cold-hearted, but even then i would rather help pay for professional care if they could not afford it, than do it myself.)
    2) the deception - lying by omission. information like this needs to be disclosed pre-marriage. "i have children", "i have bad credit", "i own property", etc. How can you ever trust someone who holds back this type of info?
    3) the stupidity - i don't know if i actually believe the whole "he didn't know the financial/life implications" of signing on a mortgage. how dumb do you need to be to sign your name to a contract and not understand what it means?
    4) the fiscal irresponsibility. We both have excellent credit ratings because we're fiscally responsible. someone who wasn't would be a dealbreaker for me.
    5) she's getting her parents involved - if they have any sense of course they will tell her that what he did was unacceptable; however, they need to discuss with an impartial 3rd party counselor before airing dirty laundry to family.
  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    I'm not sure he signed 10 years ago (although he could have, she only said "a few years ago").  I think she meant that her DH would be in the credit score schitter for 10 years (according to the lawyer).

    In the responses she says they've been married for 1 year and lived together on their own for 3, so they've been together at least 4 years.

  • edited December 2011
    zilla - true. she was stupid for not having that conversation. but still, ultimately this was his info to disclose.
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_this-cp-repeat-this-cp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b3f4362a-6bc6-46b7-8a74-f8a94edc17b5Post:cce80c75-fe62-4006-9752-f12045542fd7">Re: This is a C&P. I repeat, this is a C&P.</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, i'm stupid. i re-read this. he signed a few years ago. maybe i am wrong for assuming, but <strong>now i assume he signed during their relationship.</strong> that would bother me tremendously because of a few reasons that barbie mentioned. originally, i was thinking he signed when he was younger long before these two even got married.
    Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

    I'm wondering this as well.  I wish she had clarified how long "a few years" was.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    wtf, yo.  i co-signed for the loan on my mom's car, but that was to build my credit, not theirs.  and so my parents would get a lower interest rate because i was a student at the time.  that was in the boom 90s, though.

    i would absolutely divorce someone who was about to ruin my financial future, but again -- we would have pulled credit scores and ratings way back when we were dating.
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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_this-cp-repeat-this-cp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b3f4362a-6bc6-46b7-8a74-f8a94edc17b5Post:d5e9c880-2a91-43df-ae5b-e19e8493faa5">Re: This is a C&P. I repeat, this is a C&P.</a>:
    [QUOTE]true, min, but neither one of them thought it was a conversation to have had before they got married. so to me, they both have some fault here. him for not being more responsible with where he signs his name, and her for not thinking their credit resports were important to consider before they got married. it happens. i'd be more mad that he never followed up with his parents to see how they were handling their payments.
    Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

    Perhaps, but he failed - big time - *twice*. First when he stupidly signed his name, then again by not disclosing. I don't think it's a spouse's job to think of every conceivable question - do you have children, do you have bad credit, do you have idiot parents, do you have STDs, etc.

    If it were a kid she hadn't explicitly asked about, no one would be blaming the now-wife. This is 99% on him.

    image
  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    The more I think about the situation the more weird it is to me. Why couldn't the parents get the loan? I would assume it was because they already had questionable credit, and if that's the case...he's even more of an idiot because the had a history of failure.
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