How to handle plus 1's

SarahGar3 · December 2012

Is it ok to invite people who aren't in a relationship/don't have a SO without a plus 1?? They are familiy members, so it's not like they won't know anyone else there...trying to keep guest list as small as possible.

libby2483 · December 2012

Yes, it is totally fine to invite those who are truly single without a plus one. It is a nice gesture to give WP members and guests who will not know many others a plus one.

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

It may also be good to budget for your truly single guests to have a SO by the time your invites go out. That way you won't be short in your budget, but if these family members are still truly single when invites go out, you will have some extra cash in your budget.

stantokm · December 2012

I second OliveOil's mom. We haven't sent invitations yet, but already we have previously single friends with significant others and previously taken guests who are now single. Definitely have to keep that in mind.

AddieCake · December 2012

It's acceptable, but I don't like it. We gave everyone a plus 1, which I think is a nice gesture if you can budget at all for it.

mlg78 · December 2012

We're doing the same thing... Unless you're in a long term relationship when invites go out, no +1. I'd rather free that space up to invite more people that we actually know!

joleri23 · December 2012

We did the same thing. It has worked out for the most part, but of course there were a couple of people who sent back their response card with "So-and-so and guest" written in. Oh well, what can you do! We gently reminded them that the invitation was meant just for them, but let them bring a guest along anyway (we had received some declines at that point).

Love11506 · December 2012

I did the same thing!

SlothGoals · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:129d70c4-dcc9-4955-afc9-e10a1c8a1d01">Re: How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]We're doing the same thing... Unless you're in a long term relationship when invites go out, no +1. I'd rather free that space up to invite more people that we actually know!
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

<div>You need to give anyone with a SO a +1 not just those you deem to be in a long term relationship. </div>

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

Do unto others as you'd want done to you... if you were single, would you want to be invited wtihout a date? I've been there and it was a pretty freakin' miserable time at those weddings.

libby2483 · December 2012

I've been invited to weddings without a plus one, and I had a fun time even without a date. It is certainly a very nice gesture to give all single guests a plus one. But, if it isn't in your budget, there is nothing wrong with not giving singles a guest. As long as everyone in a relationship is invited with his or her SO,your are following etiquette and properly hosting your guests in this respect.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:0ad07a99-f9f7-4371-8f17-0e123ddd62be">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's: This.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

As nice as it would be to be able to invite every single person with a date, it is not always possible or practical to even budget for that. So the rule is spouses, fiance/es, and living together couples do indeed have to be invited together. There's no rule requiring that anyone else be invited with a date, although it's nice to invite other singles with dates.

That said, singles who are not married, engaged, living together, or even in a long-term relationship sometimes have to accept that the answer just has to be "no." Their not having someone to bring with them is probably not going to be among the couple's highest priorities in planning their wedding. They mostly likely don't have unlimited funds, and for each additional person invited, the amount they can spend on each person goes down. There may also be space issues involved.

So if they inform you, single without an SO (used here generically), that you can't bring a date, they've probably gone over their budget with a fine-toothed comb and made a lot of other sacrifices that aren't your business in coming to that conclusion. Expressing how hurt you are or issuing ultimatums about not attending without a date won't make the situation better for anyone.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

Here is the logic that we used for our wedding, if our friend/relative has a SO they were invited. It they were single & wouldn't really know anyone else at the wedding we did +1 so they would have someone else at the wedding they would know & could hang out with. If they were single but knew a lot of people coming, no +1.

For example, we have a group of friends that are single and we all hang out together. It actually worked out well there 8 people who were all single & all knew each other so their invites didn't include +1. They all had a fun time having a friends night out.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:5fe45dd2-3194-42a3-8bc3-081228900d29">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : As nice as it would be to be able to invite every single person with a date, it is not always possible or practical to even budget for that. So the rule is spouses, fiance/es, and living together couples do indeed have to be invited together. There's no rule requiring that anyone else be invited with a date, although it's nice to invite other singles with dates. That said, singles who are not married, engaged, living together, or even in a long-term relationship sometimes have to accept that the answer just has to be "no." Their not having someone to bring with them is probably not going to be among the couple's highest priorities in planning their wedding. They mostly likely don't have unlimited funds, and for each additional person invited, the amount they can spend on each person goes down. There may also be space issues involved. So if they inform you, single without an SO (used here generically), that you can't bring a date, they've probably gone over their budget with a fine-toothed comb and made a lot of other sacrifices that aren't your business in coming to that conclusion. Expressing how hurt you are or issuing ultimatums about not attending without a date won't make the situation better for anyone.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Agreed but they should care about the happiness of their guests especially if a guest is a very good friend. I don't think there's an actual stated rule. I do agree all couples should be invited together but I think if a good friend of mine is single, I would invite them with a guest... but if the person was like my 2nd cousin once removed who lives across the country who I have only met once then I probably wouldn't invite that person with a guest (if he/she was single). Yes it is your wedding, but you also need to please your guests.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:7221b066-e435-4d3f-8a7a-6ea5e7e9b7e4">Re: How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]Owningahome, it is up to the host. If the single people knows others, as in cousins or co-workers etc, I think it is fine. If the guest thinks the wedding should just be a "date night," then, imho, they can do the date night on their own dime. I agree that if guest knows no one, then the host/hostess should have thought this out better.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

You might think it's fine but I have been in that situation it was not fine. It is not fine for a lot of people.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:d4547498-5834-4938-9520-3f0bd277c4c2">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : Agreed but they should care about the happiness of their guests especially if a guest is a very good friend. I don't think there's an actual stated rule. I do agree all couples should be invited together but I think if a good friend of mine is single, I would invite them with a guest... but if the person was like my 2nd cousin once removed who lives across the country who I have only met once then I probably wouldn't invite that person with a guest (if he/she was single). Yes it is your wedding, but you also need to please your guests.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

I think that a balance has to be struck between "pleasing your guests" and going broke or being in jeopardy of breaking building codes to do so. In these instances it is not possible to "please"single guests by inviting them with dates, and the guest who feels that s/he can't be "pleased" without a date isn't being "a very good friend" to the couple by expecting one that they can't afford or literarlly don't have room for.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:3035f55e-a679-4927-bd33-e27e03d253f7">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's: Yes, you've cited the 'rule.' But out of kindness, comfort and courtesy, although not required, it is the thoughtful thing to do to offer a plus one to your single guests. Especially if they won't know many other people there, and/or most of your guests are already coupled up.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

I agree that it's thoughtful. But it isn't always possible. Singles sometimes just need to accept that instead of complaining about what a terrible time they had or will have without dates. The couple probably feels terrible enough about not being able to allow them without the guests' making an issue of it.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:d7c1379f-0664-41c7-b043-cc60fc28f183">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : I think that a balance has to be struck between "pleasing your guests" and going broke or being in jeopardy of breaking building codes to do so. In these instances it is not possible to "please"single guests by inviting them with dates, and the guest who feels that s/he can't be "pleased" without a date isn't being "a very good friend" to the couple by expecting one that they can't afford or literarlly don't have room for.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

I do know every wedding I was invited to single the couple ended up divorced... so whatever, karma. Inviting as many people as you can with guests, just seems like the right thing to do. For me personally, I'd rather cut some extras and avoid guests being unhappy or creating drama. Do you really need to splurge on a viennese hour and then not allow your best friend who is single to have a date? It doesn't seem right to me.

I was at one wedding where they had all this extra crap: photo booths, cotton candy machine, chocolate fountain- all this crap no one cared about yet no single people were allowed with dates. I don't know but that rubs me the wrong way.

To each her own, I guess.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:c3755dfb-0d96-473a-851a-3707927051fa">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : I do know every wedding I was invited to single the couple ended up divorced... so whatever, karma. Inviting as many people as you can with guests, just seems like the right thing to do. For me personally, I'd rather cut some extras and avoid guests being unhappy or creating drama. Do you really need to splurge on a viennese hour and then not allow your best friend who is single to have a date? It doesn't seem right to me. I was at one wedding where they had all this extra crap: photo booths, cotton candy machine, chocolate fountain- all this crap no one cared about yet no single people were allowed with dates. I don't know but that rubs me the wrong way. To each her own, I guess.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

When all is said and done, it's not the couple's problem that you couldn't have a good time without a date. It's not up to you to decide what they should or shouldn't budget for.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:34dd0021-cf36-4185-be96-009beb2abe05">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : When all is said and done, it's not the couple's problem that you couldn't have a good time without a date. It's not up to you to decide what they should or shouldn't budget for.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

True but I didn't know anyone... I tried to make the best of it but it was awful. A lot of people were pissed that they couldn't have dates when there were all these stupid extras around. People are a lot more important than things, that's what couples need to realise.

When all is said & done, yes you are right, the guests make what they want to out of the situation but it sucks when you're in your late 20's or 30's and you aren't allowed to have a date but b/c bride's 17 year old cousin has a bf, he is there but you're alone.

Meh. I have strong feelings about this topic. I was on & off with my FI for 13 years but in between I was burned alot and I know it feels to attend weddings when it's a ton of couples and you're the lone single. That would make a lot of people feel terrible.

Avion22 · December 2012

My husband and I met each other at a wedding. We were both single at the time, and neither of us had a +1 (nor would we have thought it appropriate to bring a random date to a wedding). We know SEVERAL other couples who met at weddings they attended as singles. We had two singles at OUR wedding meet each other and have started dating.

Weddings are a really great place to meet people. I think it's fine to invite single people as SINGLES and not with +1s. Just make sure you seat them with some people they know (and potentially some other singles they might get along with!). You never know what will happen:-)

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:0ce744e9-99f1-4c6a-a62c-ac2589070755">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's: No one said anything about guests making an issue out of it. This conversation is about what the couple or hosts should do to in regard to single guests. Also, the guestlist should come before the venue and menu. Not the other way around. Set a budget, draft your guestlist, and then secure a place and the rest of your wedding wants.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

Whether anyone said anything about guests making an issue of it isn't relevant here, so don't use that as a put down because we don't agree.

Single guests are neither entitled to dates, or for that matter, entitled to expect to be "pleased" any more than any other guest. They can be as displeased as they want to be. I think most couples do indeed care about making sure that as many people as possible have a good time at their wedding-but I don't agree that it means they have to provide every unattached single with a guest in order to make that happen-especially if their budget is tight to begin with or they want an intimate wedding.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:0c59c30d-43ab-48c6-8cef-139b875ba8b6">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : If this is your attitude, I hope that when you get engaged, you chose to elope, since you clearly care so little about the people in your life and how they feel. Very sad.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

This isn't t about either of us personally, so quit being snide or attempting to measure how much I care about other people or their feelings. That's really juvenile.

If you (generic) can't have a good time at a wedding without a date, it means you have a pretty fragile ego. And believe it or not, massaging that fragility really isn't the function of a host. "Hosting" involves providing paid-for food and entertainment for specified guests-but allowing single guests to bring dates is optional for hosts. If unattached singles can't have a good time without a date, it's because they choose not to have a good time-not because the hosts didn't invite them with a date.

Darbie914 · December 2012

While I think it is extremely nice of those brides and grooms to extend +1s to all of their single guests, it is certainly not always possible for many people. DH and I would have loved to extend +1s to some of our single guests but we just couldn't swing it. We had cut out as many extra things as we could but we still could not make that happen. And to be completely honest, while most couples do care about their guests very much, it is also their wedding day and if they choose to spend their money on the little extras instead of extending extra invites, that is perfectly acceptable and not against etiquette. Do as you please for your wedding Not everyone can pay for extra people.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:d49ed1d7-9fab-4adb-918c-2d360e27c5ed">Re:How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to handle plus 1's : Clearly, one can be a proper host, and not be a good host. You may adhere strictly to the stated rules of etiquette, but most of us live outside that confined box where emotions and complexities exist. Here in the real world, kindness and courtesy are just as important, if not more so, than strict etiquette.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

While no one would disagree about the need for kindness and courtesy, "good hosting" does not require that every uninvited single be invited with a date; nor is it "unkind" or "discourteous" not to do so.

JoanE2012 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:938118f8-3b11-44f4-a99c-ad8056f1ebe6">Re: How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is the logic that we used for our wedding, if our friend/relative has a SO they were invited. It they were single & wouldn't really know anyone else at the wedding we did +1 so they would have someone else at the wedding they would know & could hang out with. If they were single but knew a lot of people coming, no +1. For example, we have a group of friends that are single and we all hang out together. It actually worked out well there 8 people who were all single & all knew each other so their invites didn't include +1. They all had a fun time having a friends night out.
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

We gave everyone a +1 because we had the budget for it, however if we didn't, I would've follow this.

MeganMarie8605 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:ec95c763-bfb1-4ebc-820b-3afab57c21c1">Re: How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]Do unto others as you'd want done to you... if you were single, would you want to be invited wtihout a date? I've been there and it was a pretty freakin' miserable time at those weddings.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTEt

I have a lot of single friends and I have seen in many weddings that they like to crash weddings with their plus 1 if they don't have a date. One person is invited with a plus 1 and the other goes as their date because they weren't invited themselves. If you weren't invited the bride and groom didn't want you there! I don't want those people to crash or just bring random people because I gave them a plus 1 so unless they are in a serious relationship that is likely to last 7 months from now when I get married, then I'm not giving everyone a plus 1.Sorry, but we just can't afford it.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:705260db-beb4-48d7-bdbc-962bbe6dca6c">Re: How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle plus 1's : [QUOTE]Do unto others as you'd want done to you... if you were single, would you want to be invited wtihout a date? I've been there and it was a pretty freakin' miserable time at those weddings. Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTEt I have a lot of single friends and I have seen in many weddings that they like to crash weddings with their plus 1 if they don't have a date. One person is invited with a plus 1 and the other goes as their date because they weren't invited themselves. If you weren't invited the bride and groom didn't want you there! I don't want those people to crash or just bring random people because I gave them a plus 1 so unless they are in a serious relationship that is likely to last 7 months from now when I get married, then I'm not giving everyone a plus 1.Sorry, but we just can't afford it.
Posted by MeganMarie8605[/QUOTE]

I get this but you have to prepare for peope to either be really pissed or not come.

Jen4948 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-plus-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5afeab-69dd-4628-9e6e-b858dd3d5cb2Post:4fe5465c-51c8-46bc-ac38-493fad09e762">Re: How to handle plus 1's</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle plus 1's : I get this but you have to prepare for peope to either be really pissed or not come.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

If anyone claims that they won't have a good time at a wedding without a date and then doesn't have one, it's because they chose not to have a good time at a wedding without a date; in other words, it's because they made a self-fulfilling prophecy, not because of anything the couple did or did not do.

No one is entitled to expect to bring dates to other people's weddings. If you want to stay home from a wedding because you can't bring a date, ultimately, that is not the couple's problem. It's yours.

How to handle plus 1's

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