Wedding Etiquette Forum

MOB - am I out of line?

My daughter is getting married.  Her father and I divorced many years ago, but we have remained on good terms.  He is paying for approximately 60% of the wedding, I am paying for the rest. 

The wedding will have 75 guests.  Her father comes from a larger family, so there will be more of his family there than mine and I have absolutely no problem with that.  I have remained on good terms with his family and I am in fact looking forward to seeing them.  The groom's family consists of only his father and sister.  Neither of whom will be bringing a date.  My family consists of my father, my step mother and my stepsister.  All other guests will be friends of my daughter and the groom.

Am I out of line to request that my aunt and cousin (and cousin's partner) be invited?  My mother died when I was young and my aunt and cousin were my "mom" and "sister" most of my life.  I am not having a plus one to the wedding (I am single, so that is fine) and neither is my stepsister.  My daughter does not want me to invite my aunt & cousin as she feels it is unfair to invite people she is not close to instead of her friends.

Re: MOB - am I out of line?

  • edited December 2012
    This might not be a popular opinion, but can you cover the costs of the extra guests? That may be your daughters concern. However, if you're paying for such a large portion of the wedding, I think your daughter should be able to add two people for you. Is there a particular reason why she doesn't want them there?

    ETA: yeah, the more I think about it. Your daughter needs to add these people. You are being beyond reasonable. 

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    No I don't feel like you are out of line. Not only are you paying, but you do not seem to have an out-of-control, unreasonable guest list.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't think that is out of line at all. It's not like you are filling up the guest list with a bunch of old coworkers and whatnot. Your daughter is out of line for saying she doesn't want you to invite a couple of guests. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Thank you for your responses.  The venue can only hold 75 people (not including the wedding party) so yes, my daughter would have to decide which friends she would not invite.  Alternatively, she could consider not inviting her father's partner's sister and children.  Or she could choose not to extend an invitation to her father's partner's 15 year old daughter's boyfriend.  (I get along very well with my ex-husband's partner - I am just hurt that members of her family are being invited and mine are not.)   
  • My FI's mom is paying for 1/2 the wedding; she has a small family, too, and requested that 8 of her friends be invited. We literally cannot accomodate more than 120 because of the wedding venue size, and family accounts for 80 of our guests. I was slightly bummed because this means I can't invite friends I'd like there, but I respect his Mom a lot and she doesn't ask for a lot, so really, I'd feel worse telling her no.

    So to answer your question: I think you're being reasonable.
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  • You are not being out of line at all, especially since you are asking for people who clearly played a significant role in your life.  Also, you are contributing financially to the wedding, that also plays a role in your influence, which means these three guests should undoubtably be included, especially over a 15 year old's boyfriend!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-am-i-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59a4d7aa-7e1a-4d78-9bd6-3bfa1e497f10Post:ffc25fb1-5fc0-44dd-b2a7-3bece0ded94c">Re: MOB - am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This might not be a popular opinion, but can you cover the costs of the extra guests? That may be your daughters concern. However, if you're paying for such a large portion of the wedding, I think your daughter should be able to add two people for you. Is there a particular reason why she doesn't want them there? ETA: yeah, the more I think about it. Your daughter needs to add these people. You are being beyond reasonable. 
    Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think its ridiculous to ask her mother to cover the cost of additional guests when she is already paying for 40% of the wedding.  MOB should be able to invite people from her side of the family, and if the aunt and cousin are important members of her family, then she should be able to invite them.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: yup, agree with you on your ETA.  Daughter should hink about who is paying and add the guests even if it requires cutting our her friends.</div>
  • Yeah, I skimmed at first, freebread. 

    OP, I know money hopefully doesn't come with strings, but tell your daughter that this is non negotiable. How far out is the wedding? If save the dates have gone out, there isn't much you can do. 

  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2012
    You have every right to invite 2 people who are very important to you. She should be able to cut 2 friends or dates of friends for you.



    *Tell her that facebook friends don't count as close friends.


    ETA: Wow I'm actually irritated with your daughter. If she wants to bring friends above the 75 person guest list then she can pay for them. I'm inviting anyone (like 5 people) my mom wants and she's not contributing financially.



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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Count me in on team reasonable as well. You are only asking for three people, who are her relatives also.
  • I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.   Your daughter is probably emotional about not being able to invite people that she likes but as the hostess, you do get to invite a few people who are close to you.

    FWIW, this is why it's better to pick the guest list and then go pick the venue.   Is that possibly an option?
  • MoxieMickieMoxieMickie member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
  • I'm with PPs. Your daughter is being ridiculous. If she HAS to have that many friends she and her FI can pony up the money for a larger venue to accommodate all those people. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-am-i-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59a4d7aa-7e1a-4d78-9bd6-3bfa1e497f10Post:785731ba-d34f-4818-8026-dc40c178f791">Re:MOB am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your responses. <strong> The venue can only hold 75 people</strong> (not including the wedding party) so yes, my daughter would have to decide which friends she would not invite.  Alternatively, she could consider not inviting her father's partner's sister and children.  Or she could choose not to extend an invitation to her father's partner's 15 year old daughter's boyfriend.  (I get along very well with my ex-husband's partner - I am just hurt that members of her family are being invited and mine are not.)   
    Posted by mobsara66[/QUOTE]

    Did people miss the bolded? A lot of posters are saying "She should pay for her friends if it goes abov e 75" but the venue can not even hold over 75 people. I think this changes the situation in my eyes. It's not a money issue, but a space one.

    I think both of you are being reasonable and this is a tricky situation. While I think you are definitely entitled to have two very close people there with you especially paying for part of it, I can see where your daughter might not know who to cut. Can you just sit down and logically and rationally go through the guest list together and see if there is someone she is not super close to (who she hasn't verbally invited already) that could be cut where there is no resentment on either side? And please note that cutting a significant other of a guest is not an option; she would have to cut the whole couple or neither.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-am-i-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59a4d7aa-7e1a-4d78-9bd6-3bfa1e497f10Post:a91e7dbe-3e9e-4476-97e9-a1c3c0239198">Re: MOB - am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Summer, that is a "Knot" rule, the general etiquette book rule is spouse, fiance and then sometimes live-in or long term partner, not every BF/GF.  It seems to me that bride can decide if she can fit in every bf/gf or not.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    NYU I'm not getting into this with you because it's banging my head into the wall.

    OP, my advice still stands.


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  • Thanks for the continued responses. 

    I have suggested a new venue, and am willing to lose money on the deposit, but my daughter refuses.

    Her father and his partner's family total 25.  The groom's family is 2.  My family is 4 (including me).  That leaves 44 seat for the bride & groom's friends.  Please note that their very closest friends are in the wedding party and are not included in the 75 total.

    I love my daughter and adore her fiance.  They are kind and considerate young people and I am upset that my daughter is acting this way.

    I understand that couples must be invited together - but does this apply to a 15 year old? 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-am-i-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59a4d7aa-7e1a-4d78-9bd6-3bfa1e497f10Post:2892992e-ce44-42d2-9d81-09c795b346db">Re: MOB - am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the continued responses.  I have suggested a new venue, and am willing to lose money on the deposit, but my daughter refuses. Her father and his partner's family total 25.  The groom's family is 2.  My family is 4 (including me).  That leaves 44 seat for the bride & groom's friends.  Please note that their very closest friends are in the wedding party and are not included in the 75 total. I love my daughter and adore her fiance.  They are kind and considerate young people and I am upset that my daughter is acting this way. I understand that couples must be invited together - but does this apply to a 15 year old? 
    Posted by mobsara66[/QUOTE]

    <div>Personally, I don't believe that high school students need to be invited with their significant other.  However, if someone is a senior in high school and they've been with that person for a significant amount of time AND that person comes to other family events, then I do believe they should be included.  But I know at 15, all I ever had was a "flavor of the week" type who I hung out with before the first bell rang and at lunch, and maybe my mom would let me meet up with him at the mall over the weekend.  Inviting that person would not be appropriate, not expected.</div>
  • FI and I have been together since I was 14 and he was 15. We were never invited to a wedding togethet until college. I thiink if you can extend the invite, great and it would have meant a lot to me, but your 3 guests should come first. 

  • Holy moly that's a lot of friend seats! I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I'm not sure what advice to give you for talking this out with your daughter except to stay calm and cool and explain to her that these people are so important and that it really would mean a lot to you. I can't imagine telling my mother no to this request, especially given your circumstances. Your daughter needs to realize that you are giving her a very generous gift and it would serve her well to repay your kindness by granting you such a reasonable request.

  • I think you're being more than reasonable...  Is she including "and guest" for anyone?  Meaning people who are TRULY single bringing some random stranger?  I'm not allowing it at my wedding.  Also, are there any individuals that are likely to RSVP "no" that you could count on like any out-of-staters who won't make the trip into town?


  • I'd like to know where the 15 year old girl found a boy who would be willing to go to a wedding with her.  A rare creature indeed.

    If the daughter is refusing to upgrade the menu (at no cost to herself), and has more than 44 seats to play with, then she's being ridiculous.  Who has 44 super close friends?  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-am-i-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59a4d7aa-7e1a-4d78-9bd6-3bfa1e497f10Post:2892992e-ce44-42d2-9d81-09c795b346db">Re: MOB - am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the continued responses.  I have suggested a new venue, and am willing to lose money on the deposit, but my daughter refuses. Her father and his partner's family total 25.  The groom's family is 2.  My family is 4 (including me).  That leaves 44 seat for the bride & groom's friends.  Please note that their very closest friends are in the wedding party and are not included in the 75 total. I love my daughter and adore her fiance.  They are kind and considerate young people and I am upset that my daughter is acting this way. I understand that couples must be invited together - but does this apply to a 15 year old? 
    Posted by mobsara66[/QUOTE]

    Your daughter is being ridiculous.
    Invite your guests.  Is she expecting all 44 of her BFFs (sarcasm...no one has 44 BFFs) to show up to the wedding?

    I'm not saying over-invite, but it might be a moot point.

    You are so patient.  Your daughter needs to be more grateful.
  • In Response to Re:MOB am I out of line?:[QUOTE]Thanks for the continued responses.nbsp; I have suggested a new venue, and am willing to lose money on the deposit, but my daughter refuses.Her father and his partner's family total 25.nbsp; The groom's family is 2.nbsp; My family is 4 including me.nbsp; That leaves 44 yseat for the bride amp; groom's friends.nbsp; Please note that their very closest friends are in the wedding party and are not included in the 75 total.I love my daughter and adore her fiance.nbsp; They are kind and considerate young people and I am upset that my daughter is acting this way.I understand that couples must be invited together but does this apply to a 15 year old?nbsp; Posted by mobsara66[/QUOTE]

    No, you don't nee to invite a 15 yo boyfriend.

    With 44 friends, the couple should cut 3.
  • I've seen ppl on her saying their MOB invited fifty plus guests who wouldn't fit.....she has a problem with your three??
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2012
    It is possible to speak with your ex about this, so you can present to the B&G as a united (and paying) front.  And insist that these 3 people be invited.  You currently have a great relationship with your ex and his partner.  I wouldn't jeopardize that by asking the bride to cut people from his list.  But maybe if you speak with him and he could agree with you, I'm sure he realizes how important these 3 people are in your life.  I think its crazy that the bride won't allow a mother and sister type relationship of yours to be invited to the wedding.
  • CnJ2014CnJ2014 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    you are being totally reasonable.

    Her friends are taking up more than half of the guest list and she's not even paying for it.  We are inviting 200 people to our wedding... 70 my family, 80 his family, and 50 friends (we have really big families).  Both sets of parents are pitching in financially, and then we are paying for about 25% of the wedding costs.

    The 15 year old does not need a guest.  Tell them the venue will only hold 75 people and so there is no space for everyone to bring a guest.  Same justification can be used for some of her friends who are not in serious relationships.  I went to a wedding when I was 24 and I was not allowed a guest even though my bf and I were dating for 3 years already.  I got over it.

    If you really cannot reach a compromise, have a B list. I am sure that at least 3 guests will not be able to make it, and then the extra 3 guests can be invited and you and your daughter can both be happy.

    Good luck!
  • Is there more to this story? I'm confused why your daughter is getting upset at you for wanting three guests when her dad has 25?

    You don't have to invite the 15 year-old's date. When you're 15, your family is your social unit more so than your SO. It would be nice to extend the invite, but that's one  you can safely cut and still be etiquette compliant.

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