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Family Vent (long)

Hi ladies

Sorry for the long vent but I wanted to get your input on a family situation that has been going on since me and FI got engaged or I should say since me and my sister were kids. Before I go into the story I’m going to backtrack and fill you guys in on some info. So me and my sister are 7 years apartment which is a big age difference when growing up.(I’m 25 and she’s 19) We were never really close up until the past few years when she started getting older and we were able to talk about common things. As a child going into her teenage/adult years, there was always some type of friction between me and her. It felt more like a sister rivalry if you ask me. She always hated how family members would complement me on things and it got to a point where I can’t even ask her a simply questions without her getting nasty/rude. I’ve spoken to her several times about it since she really upsets me but she doesn’t seem to care and the conversation ends up with a fight. So any, backtracking again. Before my sister was born, my parents were very well off financially so I got a lot of things growing up. A few months after my sister was born, my father lost his job and we struggled for a very long time. It was a horrible situation that I don’t wish on anyone. Because of that, my sister got the hammy downs from me but my parents always managed somehow to get her stuff she wanted.  When it came to her sweet 16, my parents were struggling still but told her and offered to have a party for her like how they had one for me. My sister insisted no and just had a party bus with a few friends for a few hours. After having this she then complained how my parents didn’t throw her a party like how they did for me.  Sorry I went into my whole life on this, just wanted your girls to get a better idea of what is in her head first before I go into what happened. So bottom line is that she has a lot of resentment towards me.

Moving forward to me and FI engagement. When me and FI got engaged, she seemed happy and excited and of course she is my sister and I want nothing more than to have her as my MOH.  I asked her and she said yes and then went on to say I hate weddings and all of this other nonsense. So I ignored it. As time passed I was getting stuff booked looking into different things for the wedding and my parents were involved too. I’ll be honest I mention wedding stuff A LOT but I honestly can’t help myself because I’m excited and happy and I think a lot of girls are like that when they are planning their wedding. My parents now are still struggling but they are in a much better place now financially and they offered to throw us an engagement party. I told them I didn’t want them to because I didn’t want them to put themselves in a hole and also the fact that my parents are the type to throw it in your face and say “Well we threw you an engagement party” blah blah blah. They insisted so I gave in and said fine. My sister found out and got pissed off. I spoke to my sister about it and she feels that she got gypped out of parties and gifts and that she didn’t think it was right my parents do everything for me and not her. I told her that if she felt that way she needed to talk to my parents because it’s their doing not mine.  During this conversation we were able to have a good heart to heart and in a way I can really understand where she’s coming from but she should not be taking it out on me. It has got to the point that I can’t even mention the wedding without her yelling at me and making nasty remarks. She has even made comments about not wanting to be in the BP.

A few weeks ago we got into a very big fight over something so stupid. Pretty much I needed her to leave the house 10 minutes early to take me to my friend’s house so I can get a ride with her to go to work since my car was getting fixed. She did not want to do it and the fact that the car she drives isn’t even hers it’s my parents. The argument ended up into a screaming match and me throwing something at her because I was in a rage.  Before the argument escalated, my sister told me she wanted no part of the wedding and said she wanted out of the BP which is a very hurtful thing to say to your own sister. I very aggravated and annoyed on how my parents didn’t even do anything about it and the fact that she hid my parent’s car keys and paperwork for the car and refused to give them to my parents was just ridiculous! Since we got into the fight, I have been staying away from them all since I don’t want to deal with my sister and I feel my parents didn’t handle the situation like a parent would. They act like they are scared of my sister. She throws temper tantrums and causes havoc when she doesn’t get her way. And my parents give in because they don’t want to deal with it. She has always gotten what she wanted by throwing fits and it’s disgusting! Since my parents are scared to deal with my sister, they won’t talk to me now either if my sister is around because they think they are disrespecting my sister by talking to me! I pretty much get the silent treatment. I’ve tried to talk with them but I get one word answers.  

I know this is long and I know you girls probably want to pull your hair out of your head right now but I just don’t know what to do anymore. My FI told me I should confront them which I know I should but at the same time they are people you cannot talk to. All they do is yell and get nasty and that is going to get me aggravated and get me screaming and I don’t want that. I’ve considered writing them a letter as well but I feel face to face is better.  In regards to the MOH issue, I told her that I didn’t want her paying for anything. The only thing she needed to do is be there for me so money shouldn’t be an issue for her.

Re: Family Vent (long)

  • I think your parents relationship with your sister is not your business. Don't confront them.

    Also, if you were my sister and threw something at me (being mad is not a good excuse, IMO) I'd drop out of your WP too.
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  • edited April 2012
    Well, interestingly enough we're kind of in a smiliar yet reversed situation with sisters. My sister is 13 years older than me, so we're 33 and 20 (i'll be 21 at the end of may). She didn't get a lot of what she wanted growing up due to my fathers job struggles whereas my father had stable jobs when I was growing up so in her eyes I got more. But in my eyes, I was always compared to her and it took me until the summber before my freshman year of college to finally shake that nonsense and be able to come into my own in college.  So that is how we relate.

    How we don't relate is that even though my sister has shown nothing but slight indifference about my engagement, and we've had our difference, I respect that and would probably not have thrown something at her in the midst of argument if I was the older sister. 

    I think there is a lot more going on here with sibling rivalry I think you need to step up and be an adult and let that childishness go. Your sister doesn't like weddings, so don't expect to her love them now that you're getting married. She's 19 the 19 year olds I've met here at Uni have a lot of other things they care about that are not weddings. Plus, she may be jealous, but that could be a natural reaction. Either way, stop talking wedding with her. Yes okay she was your MOH but if she doesn't like weddings then you can't expect her to want to talk it all the time like you are going to want to. 

    I agree with PP it's not your business how your parents treat your sister and if you don't think they handle it like "parents" should that your business and IMO you're probably wrong because you aren't a parent so you'd have no idea what to do. Do not confront your parents about that, apologize to them for how you acted and say you'd like to open a better line of communication with them  beyond yelling and fighting when either side does something that the other does not like. I've said something similiar to my parents and it worked great, and they really started looking at me as an adult.

    You should sit with your sister, and have an actual conversation. You are going to have to apologize for throwing that thing at her, because that was poor of you. But, you two should also hash out some boundaries. Tell her you love her, and couldn't imagine anybody else for your moh and that you understand that she doesn't love weddings so you'll respect that and not talk it so much with her but you'd still like her to try and be supportive of you. Then you need to ask her what she wants from you, in the same format of what you just said.  Or something like that. I've personally had to start this type of conversation with my sister a few times before, not related to weddings though I imagine I'll have to, and it's always ended up being for the best  even if it was difficult. 
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  • Sounds like the whole bunch of you needs to work on some anger management.
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  • Bay's advice is really good, I'd listen to her.
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  • Thanks ladies! I will be the first to admit that by me throwing something at her was wrong and I should've handled it differently. When it comes to my family, we are horrible at communication if you haven't noticed LOL! When it comes to my parents parenting skills you guys are right it inst any of my business and I can't put myself in their shoes because I'm not a parent but at the same time my parents shouldn't be taking sides. I understand my sister doesn't like weddings and she is at an awkward age so I get it but at the same time she should keep her hurtful opinions to herself. Me and her have totally different personalities. Believe it or not she is more hot tempered than I am. It just bothers me because I know if she was in my shoes I would not feel a bit jealous or upset. I would be helping her even if I didn't like weddings. i would suck it up and be there for her. I know this is something I would def. need to tell her.
  • In Response to Re: Family Vent (long):
    [QUOTE]Thanks ladies! I will be the first to admit that by me throwing something at her was wrong and I should've handled it differently. When it comes to my family, we are horrible at communication if you haven't noticed LOL! When it comes to my parents parenting skills you guys are right it inst any of my business and I can't put myself in their shoes because I'm not a parent but at the same time my parents shouldn't be taking sides. I understand my sister doesn't like weddings and she is at an awkward age so I get it but at the same time she should keep her hurtful opinions to herself. Me and her have totally different personalities. Believe it or not she is more hot tempered than I am. It just bothers me because I know if she was in my shoes I would not feel a bit jealous or upset. I would be helping her even if I didn't like weddings. i would suck it up and be there for her. I know this is something I would def. need to tell her.
    Posted by ujocdeelovely[/QUOTE]
    Honestly, parents are going to take sides conciously or not, sadly that's just how it happens sometimes. You're going to have to move past that. As I suggested, if you hate how everybody communicates, start communicating differently. Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world right? Well I'm borrowing from him here and going to say start being the change you want to see in your family. 
    Also, I'm not sure that your sisters at an awkward age so much as an age where she is a little more self-centered. That being said, my sister and I also have totally different personalities, we're basically opposites. But we are sisters so I keep her around even if I don't hang out with people like her anywhere else. And maybe you would suck it up and help out with her wedding, even if you 'didn't like them' but that is you. Your sister is not you: you have differnt personalities and are at different places in life. You cannot expect her or any member of your bridal party to be all in with your wedding planning, but I think you can expect a little more support. Like I said in my first post, sit down with her and talk boundaries 
    Btw have you ever thought maybe she gets mad becuase she feels, on some level, she might be loosing you as a sister to your fi? My sister is exhibiting those feelings towards me right now. I can't send one text to my fiance saying that I'll call him later I'm with my sister without her absolutely going batshiit on me for it. I've had to come to terms that she may or may not be jealous, but more likely is that she is afraid that I'm pushing her away in favor of my fiance. Which of course, is not the case. But is it all possible that maybe that is how your sister is feeling? Just a thought....
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  • In Response to Re: Family Vent (long):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family Vent (long) : Honestly, parents are going to take sides conciously or not, sadly that's just how it happens sometimes. You're going to have to move past that. As I suggested, if you hate how everybody communicates, start communicating differently. Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world right? Well I'm borrowing from him here and going to say start being the change you want to see in your family.  Also, I'm not sure that your sisters at an awkward age so much as an age where she is a little more self-centered. That being said, my sister and I also have totally different personalities, we're basically opposites. But we are sisters so I keep her around even if I don't hang out with people like her anywhere else. And maybe you would suck it up and help out with her wedding, even if you 'didn't like them' but that is you.  Your sister is not you: you have differnt personalities and are at different places in life. You cannot expect her or any member of your bridal party to be all in with your wedding planning, but I think you can expect a little more support. Like I said in my first post, sit down with her and talk boundaries  Btw have you ever thought maybe she gets mad becuase she feels, on some level, she might be loosing you as a sister to your fi? My sister is exhibiting those feelings towards me right now. I can't send one text to my fiance saying that I'll call him later I'm with my sister without her absolutely going batshiit on me for it. I've had to come to terms that she may or may not be jealous, but more likely is that she is afraid that I'm pushing her away in favor of my fiance. Which of course, is not the case. But is it all possible that maybe that is how your sister is feeling? Just a thought....
    Posted by Bay21[/QUOTE]

    We actually went through this when she was younger. When me and FI first started dating she was 11 or so. She hated the fact that we were together and caused hell towards FI. After a while she came to terms with it and we actually not too long ago were talking about it. Me and Fi live together already and I've been out of the house for almost two years now. In a way me and FI are married but without the title. I don't know if that might be it. I'm not ruling it out either.  Before all of this we spoke almost everyday and we did hangout. I def. see where your getting at. Thank you for your advice. You have been a great help. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one dealing with a similar situation.
  • I know this is mean of me but it is hand-me-downs, not hammy downs. 
  • OH GIRL!!!! You and I are in the SAME EXACT BOAT!!!!

    My sister and I are 4 years apart.Im 28 shes 24. She is a bully who always has her hands out with a gimmie gimmie kind of attitude. 

    When I started planning my wedding I asked her to be MOH she was delighted. As months went on and it came down to MOH "duties", nothing crazy but simple help she was a brat. I asked her to come help me with writing out my invite envelopes, she responded with "Ugh do I have to." She did it anyway. Next I gathered my BMs do go dress shopping to try on my wedding dresses. As soon as we got there she sat on the floor. Didnt help me in and out of dresses, my matron of honor did that and all the photos I had her take of me are from the floor up point of view. 6 months go by and I decided I want to try on dresses 1 more time, (2 to be exact of trips). This time I invited my sister, my matron of honor, my FSIL BM and my FMIL. As soon as we got there yet again my sister sat down. FMIL helped me into dresses because my matron was running late. I found the dress and she was ok with it. I tried on veils. The whole time she smirked, "Its too long." It went to my elbows. I asked again "why is it to long?" and yet again I got the same response. At this point my sister is 5 months pregant and is due the week after my wedding. Knowing this I still want her to be a bridesmaid but it restricts her from wearing certain dresses. She insisted that she wanted to wear a SKIN TIGHT dress to show off her bump. I explained to her that a short skin tight dress is NOT going to happen. A couple months go by and my ring arrives!! I show my family during a gathering and she says very loud and proudly, "ITS NOT EVEN A FULL CARAT." Im not one to care about carat or cost or anything. Im just happy to get a ring. I actually wanted FI to buy me a CZ because I lose and break jewerly like crazy! A couple more months go by. At this point she is 6 months pregnant. I gather up all BM again to go try on BM dresses. I allow everyone to wear a dress that fits their style and is comfortable but it has to be apple red. She is giving a bump to put on top of her already bump to get more of an accurate idea of what she will look like. She trys on 3 dresses and every single one of them she hates. She complains she is fat, mopes around and refuses to look anymore. I get it your pregnant its awful, I have 2 children so I know what its like. 1 month goes by and S*&% hits the fan! As sisters I offer to throw her a baby shower, I ask for a guest list. She replys she is inviting 90 people! Long story short, we ended up having a blow out fight because I told her that was way to many for me to host by myself, she insisted on me paying for everything by myself even after I explained we have 1 income and Im still planning a wedding. She wanted to do a diaper raffle which i explained isnt nessc. considering her guest count she will get plenty and she flips out things got really heated and we didnt speak for 4 weeks.

    I let things cool down before speaking to her and I even didnt go to Easter because I wasnt ready for my sisters remarks of any kind. We mailed out of invites and didnt hear anything from her. I had matron of honor contact her to see what her plans were, is she going to be in the wedding? Is she even coming? My sister told her she just doesnt know. After 2 more weeks of waiting for her to figure it out, I messaged her and said simply, " Are you going to be in the wedding or not?" She replied back with she did if i still wanted her to. I told her of course i did. I have yet to recieve the apology for the nasty things she said about me and I dont expect one either because thats how my sister is. We arent 100% back to normal but we are still communicating Via Email and FB. 

    My parents wont stand up to my sister either. She bullys my mom around and treats her like complete crap but expects everything from my mom

    She is my dads FAV and can do no wrong in his eyes. He doesnt have the courage to even talk to her about the situation. 

    My FI mom made a great point when I explained to her what was going on between my sister and I. She said "The reason she is acting this way is because YOUR FAMILY lets her act this way. If you stop allowing her to insult, bad mouth, and take. She will soon realize she's on her own"

    So the long point is...... Leave it be. It may be hard to wait for the answers you want but if you dont give into her tantrums anymore she will soon realize they dont work. 
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  • In Response to Re: Family Vent (long):
    [QUOTE]I know this is mean of me but it is hand-me-downs, not hammy downs. 
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    HAHA! It's ok. It happens to the best of us. Thanks for clarifying it LOL!
  • In Response to Re: Family Vent (long):
    [QUOTE]OH GIRL!!!! You and I are in the SAME EXACT BOAT!!!! My sister and I are 4 years apart.Im 28 shes 24. She is a bully who always has her hands out with a gimmie gimmie kind of attitude.  When I started planning my wedding I asked her to be MOH she was delighted. As months went on and it came down to MOH "duties", nothing crazy but simple help she was a brat. I asked her to come help me with writing out my invite envelopes, she responded with "Ugh do I have to." She did it anyway. Next I gathered my BMs do go dress shopping to try on my wedding dresses. As soon as we got there she sat on the floor. Didnt help me in and out of dresses, my matron of honor did that and all the photos I had her take of me are from the floor up point of view. 6 months go by and I decided I want to try on dresses 1 more time, (2 to be exact of trips). This time I invited my sister, my matron of honor, my FSIL BM and my FMIL. As soon as we got there yet again my sister sat down. FMIL helped me into dresses because my matron was running late. I found the dress and she was ok with it. I tried on veils. The whole time she smirked, "Its too long." It went to my elbows. I asked again "why is it to long?" and yet again I got the same response. At this point my sister is 5 months pregant and is due the week after my wedding. Knowing this I still want her to be a bridesmaid but it restricts her from wearing certain dresses. She insisted that she wanted to wear a SKIN TIGHT dress to show off her bump. I explained to her that a short skin tight dress is NOT going to happen. A couple months go by and my ring arrives!! I show my family during a gathering and she says very loud and proudly, "ITS NOT EVEN A FULL CARAT." Im not one to care about carat or cost or anything. Im just happy to get a ring. I actually wanted FI to buy me a CZ because I lose and break jewerly like crazy! A couple more months go by. At this point she is 6 months pregnant. I gather up all BM again to go try on BM dresses. I allow everyone to wear a dress that fits their style and is comfortable but it has to be apple red. She is giving a bump to put on top of her already bump to get more of an accurate idea of what she will look like. She trys on 3 dresses and every single one of them she hates. She complains she is fat, mopes around and refuses to look anymore. I get it your pregnant its awful, I have 2 children so I know what its like. 1 month goes by and S*&% hits the fan! As sisters I offer to throw her a baby shower, I ask for a guest list. She replys she is inviting 90 people! Long story short, we ended up having a blow out fight because I told her that was way to many for me to host by myself, she insisted on me paying for everything by myself even after I explained we have 1 income and Im still planning a wedding. She wanted to do a diaper raffle which i explained isnt nessc. considering her guest count she will get plenty and she flips out things got really heated and we didnt speak for 4 weeks. I let things cool down before speaking to her and I even didnt go to Easter because I wasnt ready for my sisters remarks of any kind. We mailed out of invites and didnt hear anything from her. I had matron of honor contact her to see what her plans were, is she going to be in the wedding? Is she even coming? My sister told her she just doesnt know. After 2 more weeks of waiting for her to figure it out, I messaged her and said simply, " Are you going to be in the wedding or not?" She replied back with she did if i still wanted her to. I told her of course i did. I have yet to recieve the apology for the nasty things she said about me and I dont expect one either because thats how my sister is. We arent 100% back to normal but we are still communicating Via Email and FB.  My parents wont stand up to my sister either. She bullys my mom around and treats her like complete crap but expects everything from my mom She is my dads FAV and can do no wrong in his eyes. He doesnt have the courage to even talk to her about the situation.  My FI mom made a great point when I explained to her what was going on between my sister and I. She said "The reason she is acting this way is because YOUR FAMILY lets her act this way. If you stop allowing her to insult, bad mouth, and take. She will soon realize she's on her own" So the long point is...... Leave it be. It may be hard to wait for the answers you want but if you dont give into her tantrums anymore she will soon realize they dont work. 
    Posted by Melissa.hylton[/QUOTE]

    THIS EXACTLY!! She has been doing this for such a long time that my parents just give in and give her whatever she wants. FI said the same thing to me when we were talking about the situation. But I am not her mother and I can't tell my parents how to raise their kids either. With my parents they go back and forth on who they feel like talking to. I know my sister and father don't get along because they are the same person. It's scary. My mom on the other hand will take side and pick and choose. I'm happy to know I'm not alone here.
  • When people bring diapers and are entered into a raffle for a giftcard or prize. I know it seems really petty but she had 3 games and now she wants a raffle. Sisters exact words for wanting a diaper raffle, "Diapers are kinda important and I need to get all the diapers I can get." I explained if she is worried about diapers maybe she should be buying them NOW????
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  • Leave your parents out of this.. this is between you and your sister who are both adults, not grade schoolers (although that fight where you threw something at her was so very middle school). You are letting her push your buttons and since you have lived with her your entire life, you should pretty much know how to handle her by now: IGNORE her.

    Go on with your wedding planning and take her comment serious... replace her as your MOH. You don't need that stress or headache.  
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