Kick out a bridesmaid?

nisi514 · September 2010

I've had a close friend for almost 10 years that I've asked to be my bridesmaid. I'm upset because I have not seen, heard from or spoken to her in over 2 months. I have tried calling, texting and emailing her simply to say hello and catch up and there has been absolutely no response.

I know that I am not alone in my sentiments because our mutual close circle of friends have had the same issues with her. In addition, she acted the same way as a bridesmaid for another close friend's recent wedding and just last week she flaked on her Godson's birthday party with the excuse of waking up late from a nap.

For the wedding she was previously in, the bride simply referred to her as "just another girl in a dress" because she really didn't feel like she was a supportive bridesmaid. I don't want to feel this way about her, I'd rather ask her to no longer be a bridesmaid. Do her actions justify me no longer wanting her as a bridesmaid?

Viczaesar · September 2010

No, they don't. Things that justify booting a friend are along the line of her sleeping with your fiance or murdering your florist, not being MIA for 2 months. This is a friend issue, not a bridesmaid issue.

Do you normally go periods of time in between hearing from her? If this is a radical change then the reason probably lies with either something going on in her personal life, or it's possible that you ODed her on wedding stuff. I would just keep trying to get in touch with her (but not so often that you come across as needy and demanding). Don't mention the wedding at all. If she doesn't answer her phone leave her a friendly message saying that you haven't seen her in a while and you'd love to catch up on how she's doing when she has a chance.

The point is, treat this as a friend issue, not a bridesmaid issue. How would you deal with any friend from whom you hadn't heard in a couple of months? Do the same thing here.

nisi514 · September 2010

This isn't normal of her and we (my friends included) think the personal issue is her new boyfriend. I definitely have not asked her to do anything wedding related at all so there's no way I have OD'd on wedding stuff. And when I do try and get a hold of her, the wedding is never mentioned. Any texts are a simple "hello, how've you been?" or "miss you friend!"

I think I am treating this as a friend issue which is why I'm so bothered about having her in the bridal party. I chose her to be a bridesmaid because we were close and I felt that I could rely on her. Her actions, not just with me, but with our other close friends, have proven otherwise. Who would want a friend like this as a bridesmaid?

banana468 · September 2010

I think you need to treat this as a friend issue and not a BM issue.

Call her and say, "I haven't heard from you and I'm worried."

But I think to say, "You're out of my wedding," stoops to doing exactly what she's doing to you. Before you cut ties, extend the olive branch.

apathamm · September 2010

Make sure your friend is okay. It could be she has personal issues going on. Anxiety, stressed or she could be depressed? The only way to find out is to talk to her. Good luck

[Deleted User] · September 2010

Definitely show her how concerned you are about her being MIA. Find out what is going on. She may have other issues she is dealing with. And don't kick her out of the wedding unless she asks to be no longer in the WP.

baystateapple · September 2010

Wow. If her attitude and her behavior are both not typical, do you think maybe there's something going on in her life? Maybe something a little more important than worrying about being a bridesmaid in someone's wedding?

You say you've tried calling her, but have you tried calling her to say "I'm worried about you" or just to say "Hey, I haven't heard from you and you haven;t bought the dress yet, etc. etc. etc." -- with all wedding-related talk?

A few years ago, I was MOH in a friend's wedding in RI. For a year up to the wedding, I was going through the worst time of my life -- between jobs, living with a roommate who was dating a drug addict who attacked both of us when he was high, and coping with severe anxiety. The only times that my friend ever called me was with wedding-related stuff. She never knew all of the crap I was going through, but she did go around telling everyone I was a shitty MOH after the wedding was over. Had she maybe called to ask if I was okay, she might have known the details as to why I was MIA.

You never know what's going on in other peoples' lives. Please call her and try to find out if she is okay.

mbcdefg · September 2010

This sounds like she's going through a personal problem, rather than her just deciding not to be your friend anymore.

Rather than just booting her from your wedding/life because she's not paying enough attention to your wedding, how about reaching out to her and saying, "You've been acting a lot differently lately and I'm worried about you."

Who knows, this new boyfriend may be controlling her and keeping her away from her friends. Or even abusing her.

marybrockington · September 2010

Well only you really know your friend but as an experienced bridesmaid and now a bride with 9 bridesbraids, I can confidently say that most girls who are un-interested the whole time during your wedding planning don't usually turn out to be good bridesmaids.

We all know that other people have lives and its not just all about you but if they are a good friend and care about you at all, they would express to you whats going on, not just for your wedding sake but for friendship sake as well.

Let's just be real, girls get jealous and start acting funny. Its a fact with all weddings on some kind of level, she may have something serious going on but she may just be crazy jealous and doesn't want to be there for you. The point is whatever she is going through, you still have a big day coming and if you don't feel that you want her by your side anymore then kick her out. Its much better than be pissed cause she spends the who wedding not interested in you or your special day.

suz62984 · September 2010

Nope

Manwaithiel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b0f80070-f519-44f1-bfcb-942edf07710bPost:70c52ca1-4061-4039-93c1-2da598793f74">Re: Kick out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well only you really know your friend but as an experienced bridesmaid and now a bride with 9 bridesbraids, I can confidently say that most girls who are un-interested the whole time during your wedding planning don't usually turn out to be good bridesmaids. We all know that other people have lives and its not just all about you but if they are a good friend and care about you at all, they would express to you whats going on, not just for your wedding sake but for friendship sake as well. Let's just be real, girls get jealous and start acting funny. Its a fact with all weddings on some kind of level, she may have something serious going on but she may just be crazy jealous and doesn't want to be there for you. The point is whatever she is going through, you still have a big day coming and if you don't feel that you want her by your side anymore then kick her out. Its much better than be pissed cause she spends the who wedding not interested in you or your special day.
Posted by marybrockington[/QUOTE]

Yes. It's so much better to be viewed as a mega Witch with a capital B then to just be the bigger person and viewed as someone who did the right thing even when her friend didn't (which, by the way, it could be a slew of reasons that are not necessarily the BM being nasty on purpose)

And since you don't know these people, don't start the "She's so jealous of me cause I'm hawt," routine.

OP, stop worrying about your freaking wedding and worry about your friend. The fact that your first option is to kick her out of your wedding makes the situation all about yourself instead of your friend.

baystateapple · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b0f80070-f519-44f1-bfcb-942edf07710bPost:70c52ca1-4061-4039-93c1-2da598793f74">Re: Kick out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well only you really know your friend but as an experienced bridesmaid and now a bride with 9 bridesbraids, I can confidently say that most girls who are un-interested the whole time during your wedding planning don't usually turn out to be good bridesmaids. We all know that other people have lives and its not just all about you but if they are a good friend and care about you at all, they would express to you whats going on, not just for your wedding sake but for friendship sake as well. Let's just be real, girls get jealous and start acting funny. Its a fact with all weddings on some kind of level, she may have something serious going on but she may just be crazy jealous and doesn't want to be there for you. The point is whatever she is going through, you still have a big day coming and if you don't feel that you want her by your side anymore then kick her out. Its much better than be pissed cause she spends the who wedding not interested in you or your special day.
Posted by marybrockington[/QUOTE]

I bet your nine "bridesbraids" just adore you.

SSaltzman87 · September 2010

I definitely agree that this is more a 'friend' issue than a wedding issue. The only way you'd be able to justify booting her is if she did something really heinous-like sleep with your FI, but with that I'd hope the wedding would be called off!

I'm sure you realize from most of the previous posts that your BMs simply won't be as excited for your wedding as you are. Doesn't mean they're bitter or jealous, it's simply that it's not their wedding and not as immersed in it as you are.

Manwaithiel · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b0f80070-f519-44f1-bfcb-942edf07710bPost:34eaf877-2d63-4187-9711-35ccc96c65ee">Re: Kick out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]I will never understand why brides plannning a wedding need "support". I needed support when we turned my grandmother's life support off. I needed support when I was trying to make the decision of whether or not to ditch the career that I'd been dreaming of and training for since I was 15 in order to have a happier and more stable home life. I did not ever once feel like I needed support during my wedding planning. Even when DH and I were fighting over the guest list or when our budget was halved and we had to replan the entire reception (including location) 5 months out. I also don't get the "just another girl in a dress" thing indicating being a bad BM. Since the only required duties of a BM are to get the dress and stand with you at the ceremony, being "another girl in a dress" is exactly what being a BM IS.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This.

AutumnFair · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b0f80070-f519-44f1-bfcb-942edf07710bPost:db4daaa4-ed1d-429f-bb8e-80582303eec4">Kick out a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've had a close friend for almost 10 years that I've asked to be my bridesmaid. I'm upset because I have not seen, heard from or spoken to her in over 2 months. I have tried calling, texting and emailing her simply to say hello and catch up and there has been absolutely no response. I know that I am not alone in my sentiments because our mutual close circle of friends have had the same issues with her. In addition, she acted the same way as a bridesmaid for another close friend's recent wedding and just last week she flaked on her Godson's birthday party with the excuse of waking up late from a nap. For the wedding she was previously in, the bride simply referred to her as "just another girl in a dress" because she really didn't feel like she was a supportive bridesmaid. I don't want to feel this way about her, I'd rather ask her to no longer be a bridesmaid. Do her actions justify me no longer wanting her as a bridesmaid?
Posted by nisi514[/QUOTE]

<div>Her actions have not warranted a "kick you out of the WP" card. This is a friend issue, get a hold of her to hang out and see what's up with her life. </div>

TheCranberry · September 2010

If you weren't engaged and getting married, would you be concerned by her behavior? Be honest with yourself. Would you really feel like she was MIA if you didn't want to talk to her about venues, cakes, BM dresses, colors, etc?

If so, then you need to reach out to her and find out what's going on in her life to make her withdraw. If not, then maybe you are just upset that she's not as into all of the wedding details like you are. As people on the boards say time and time again, no one (perhaps not even your FI) is going to be as into planning the wedding as you are. And that's fine. I'd expect a friend to occaisionally ask about the wedding planning and perhaps offer their help just as they would for any other event in your life, but honestly, they probably don't want to talk about fabric swatches every week for a year.

Put your hurt feelings aside and find out what's going on with your friend.

loop0406 · September 2010

If your wedding is in Feb and you still don't hear from her by December, send her an email/text/voicemail letting her know that you need to hear from her by __(certain date, maybe next day) or that you will take it as her not being your BM anymore.

If you hear from her again, ask her what's going on, she doesn't need to discuss wedding details with you or act excited about your wedding especially if she's going thru things in her own relationship but do try to see if she's still interested in being your BM.

If you kick her out as BM, you're basically okay with not being friends w her anymore

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

The best man was MIA for four months. DH tried calling, texting, Facebooking, everything (NEVER about the wedding), no response. Apparently, he was just busy. Seriously, that's the only explanation we ever got. They're still very close friends, he just dropped off the face of the planet for a while. Sometimes people really do get that busy; I know when I was in college and in the middle of finals, the only indication my family and non-college friends had that I was still alive was my occasional Facebook status updates along the lines of "Aerin isn't getting any sleep again tonight."

I think you sound really selfish. This girl could really use a friend now, but all she's getting is The Bride. No wonder she's avoiding you.

mbcdefg · September 2010

This seems like more of a situation where you and your mutual friends need to approach her (take her out for dinner, or show up at her house if necessary) and say, "We're really worried about you. We haven't seen you lately and we're concerned for you. Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell us?" My concern would be that the new boyfriend is very controlling or abusive. Or, if she's just not willing to be friends anymore for whatever reason, hopefully she will open up to you and you can take it from there.

I don't think this is a case where you need to inform her that she's no longer welcome in your wedding party (and therefore your life). I think that you should just leave her a message saying where to get the dress, when the deadline to order it is, and when/where she needs to be for the rehearsal and the wedding day.

After that, see what happens. If she gets the dress and shows up, she's a bridesmaid, but if she doesn't get the dress and still wants to attend then she can just sit in the audience as a guest. You can continue to work on repairing the friendship after that, or you can just let things fade away naturally if it's just a case of you guys going your separate ways.

If she doesn't show up to the wedding at all, then you can either just let the friendship fade away, or delve deeper if you suspect that there's something fishy going on with the boyfriend (or personal issues like money problems, drugs, whatever) and try to help her.

llgus · September 2010

I can totally understand what you're going through and have had similar thoughts during my wedding planning process.
Just because a friend is a bridesmaid doesn't mean they're obligated to help plan your wedding, be excited for small things like shopping for your wedding, or picking out bridesmaid dresses, etc. But at each one of those events where it seems like "work for her to be involved" or it's too much work to give you a return call, etc it's kind of like pouring lots of salt in the open wound.
You choose this person to be a part of your day because you want to share your day with them - and for whatever reason, she's gone MIA or won't respond to your calls / voicemails / etc., if she's not willing to be honest with herself and with you and tell you what's really gong on or is going MIA instead of talking to you - in my mind it doesn't show she has much value on your friendship.
It sounds like you've reached out to her to discuss what's going on and to talk about non-wedding stuff (if you haven't done it, do that and keep everything in the convo about NON WEDDING stuff), if you have done that and she's still non-responsive as a friend, maybe your focus should change.
Don't look at it as just another girl in a dress at your wedding - just refocus your energy - don't let her bring you down - she'll be there on your wedding day, stand there and smile for the cameras - after the wedding is when you'll see if she really wants to have a relationship. Try not to let her and her issues bring you down - you're planning for what is going to be one of the most important days in your life - if she truly wants to be a part of it, she'll be there by your side - if not - try not to let it bother you or bring you down. I've noticed throughout the past years that there's always one bm that tries to make the day about her instead about the bride - by complaining about how they're single and may never get married, by having their date squeeze in at the head table, etc. etc. Your day is about you and your finace getting married - not about the bridesmaid that's trying to bring you down - just remember that.
Good Luck!

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