I'm not sure what to do

hmleasure · April 2013

A few months ago I told my friend that I wanted her to be my maid of honor. You should know that I have never been one to have one best friend but a lot of close friends. So it was hard to choose who to have as my MOH but this friend stuck around through some tough times for me and was the one who I thought knew me best. Since then I have not heard from her at all and we really have just seemed to drift apart. I have made plenty of efforts to talk to her and hang out with her but shes doesnt return the effort. Meanwhile, I have become closer with a few other people and feel that I would like them standing next to me more than her. Plus, she will be moving pretty far away within the next month or so. Would it be okay to tell her nevermind and that since we haven't been that close for awhile I have decided to choose someone else? I don't want to be a bad person or friend but I want someone who actually acts like a friend to be my MOH.

vanityink · April 2013

Unless you want to end the friendship entirely, don't ask her to "step down" or "take back" asking her. It's an incredibly rude and public slight. This is why people suggest not asking your bridal party until 8 months out (relationships change) but that ship is sailed. As long as she shows up on the day with the dress, she is your MOH.

If you want to end the friendship entirely, of course, sure, boot her out, but be aware you are clearly saying you don't want to be friends any more and she has every right to be insulted/mad.

OliveOilsMom · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:8d685fe0-d5b6-4887-8cda-6772d4f7fbc8">I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]A few months ago I told my friend that I wanted her to be my maid of honor. You should know that I have never been one to have one best friend but a lot of close friends. So it was hard to choose who to have as my MOH but this friend stuck around through some tough times for me and was the one who I thought knew me best. Since then I have not heard from her at all and we really have just seemed to drift apart. I have made plenty of efforts to talk to her and hang out with her but shes doesnt return the effort. Meanwhile, I have become closer with a few other people and feel that I would like them standing next to me more than her. Plus, she will be moving pretty far away within the next month or so. Would it be okay to tell her nevermind and that since we haven't been that close for awhile I have decided to choose someone else? I don't want to be a bad person or friend but I want someone who actually acts like a friend to be my MOH.
Posted by hmleasure[/QUOTE]

This is why we advise brides to wait until around 9 months before the wedding to ask their parties. But what's done is done. You cannot kick her out of your BP or demote her to Bm without looking like the bad guy yourself. It will also seriously damage your relationship.

kefryar · April 2013

Maybe you should say, nicely, that if it is causing too much stress to be a bridesmaid she doesn't have to do it. Leave the option up to her. Chances are that if she doesn't even want to hang out with you, she's dreading your wedding as much as you're dreading her being your bridesmaid. If she says she wants to do it, you can't do anything about it. Maybe it will make her realize that she's been being a crappy friend, otherwise you wouldn't be wondering if she was up to the task.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:8d685fe0-d5b6-4887-8cda-6772d4f7fbc8">I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]A few months ago I told my friend that I wanted her to be my maid of honor. You should know that I have never been one to have one best friend but a lot of close friends. So it was hard to choose who to have as my MOH but this friend stuck around through some tough times for me and was the one who I thought knew me best. Since then I have not heard from her at all and we really have just seemed to drift apart. I have made plenty of efforts to talk to her and hang out with her but shes doesnt return the effort. Meanwhile, I have become closer with a few other people and feel that I would like them standing next to me more than her. Plus, she will be moving pretty far away within the next month or so. Would it be okay to tell her nevermind and that since we haven't been that close for awhile I have decided to choose someone else? I don't want to be a bad person or friend but I want someone who actually acts like a friend to be my MOH.
Posted by hmleasure[/QUOTE]

missfrodo · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:3ee4d89c-9874-460a-a534-90835d8fbb2f">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you should say, nicely, that if it is causing too much stress to be a bridesmaid she doesn't have to do it. In Response to I'm not sure what to do :
Posted by kefryar[/QUOTE]

<div>If a friend were to say this to me, I would think they were trying to kick me out and didn't appreciate our friendship anymore. All she has to do is show up on the wedding day in the dress you've chosen (within her budget). That shouldn't be causing your friend stress. If you truly have grown apart, the friendship will naturally fade after the wedding; if you want to expedite the process, go ahead and kick her out. </div>

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:3ee4d89c-9874-460a-a534-90835d8fbb2f">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you should say, nicely, that if it is causing too much stress to be a bridesmaid she doesn't have to do it. Leave the option up to her. Chances are that if she doesn't even want to hang out with you, she's dreading your wedding as much as you're dreading her being your bridesmaid. If she says she wants to do it, you can't do anything about it. Maybe it will make her realize that she's been being a crappy friend, otherwise you wouldn't be wondering if she was up to the task. In Response to I'm not sure what to do :
Posted by kefryar[/QUOTE]
No, you should not say this to your bridesmaid. It will be heard as "Please drop out and make me happy." If she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid she will drop out of her own accord, but nothing in the OP suggests that she's finding it too stressful (nor should she, since all she has to do is buy a dress and show up to the wedding).

kefryar · April 2013

I don't really see how this is asking anyone to drop out of your wedding, since you're not. You're giving an option.
To be completely frank, a lot of people get pressured into being bridesmaids even though they don't want to be.
It IS responsibility, regardless of what people think, there is planning involved (because I HOPE you guys don't expect a bride to plan her own bachelorette party and bridal shower)
and some people are looking for a way to get out of this responsibility without hurting feelings.
I don't think that outting a reality check on a bridesmaid who hasn't talked to you in months is rude. It's simply saying, "hey, so you even still want to be a part of this thing".

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:4cc97868-2d83-4e7b-89c0-9b946fcbb8f9">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm not sure what to do : No, you should not say this to your bridesmaid. It will be heard as "Please drop out and make me happy." If she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid she will drop out of her own accord, but nothing in the OP suggests that she's finding it too stressful (nor should she, since all she has to do is buy a dress and show up to the wedding).
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

kefryar · April 2013

I can personally say that I, in no way, "just bought a dress and showed up for a wedding" when I was a bridesmaid.
I planned and paid for the bridal shower and bachelorette party, and had to take control of the rehersal dinner when reservations got screwed up.
I also had to wrangle all of the other bridesmaids into even showing up.
On the day of the wedding, I kicked family members out of dressing rooms, put up decorations, and rounded up the drunk bridal party.
This WAS stressful, but I loved my friend enough to do it. Some people don't.
The bride should not be stressed on their wedding day. They should be able to expect help from their BEST friends. Especially their maid of honor.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:460496b9-da6f-4c3c-92a3-46088eb78f43">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm not sure what to do : If a friend were to say this to me, I would think they were trying to kick me out and didn't appreciate our friendship anymore. All she has to do is show up on the wedding day in the dress you've chosen (within her budget). That shouldn't be causing your friend stress. If you truly have grown apart, the friendship will naturally fade after the wedding; if you want to expedite the process, go ahead and kick her out.
Posted by missfrodo[/QUOTE]

kefryar · April 2013

Long story short, though, I still stand by my advice. Some of the posters are right, your wedding is REALLY far away, so none of your bridesmaids should be expected to do anything unless they offer.
I'm feeling like your problem is that she isn't even your friend, however.
There has to be a reason you asked her in the first place, so get together with her and hang out, sans wedding talk. I know you're excited, but refrain from talking about your wedding. AT ALL. It's annoying to people who aren't in your boat. I have to remind myself of this all the time.
Go get a drink. Either this situation will fix itself or it won't, and if you don't feel like she's a friend at all, there should be no reason you shouldn't ask her if she'd still llike to be a part of your wedding.
If a bride asked me if It was too stressful to be in her wedding, I would probably realize that I had been a crappy friend or hadn't been offering support. I personally, would not be insulted unless she told me I was out, and even then I would probably realize that there was a reason.

NYCMercedes · April 2013

Kefryar, people aren't that dense. If someone asks you a leading question such as you suggested, you'd know you weren't meeting their expectations. Additionally, a bridesmaid always knows she can drop out.

kefryar · April 2013

I guess the point in this post is that she is trying to re-evaluate a friendship.
I would expect my friends to help me when i needed help, be it help with planning a wedding, or help with getting over a death, or help with a birthday. I would do the same.
I'm not saying your bridesmaids have to be slaves, just FRIENDS.
I would not have friends who would sit on their butts and not help me when I needed help, nor would I be that kind of friend.
I know I won't have to ask for help when the time comes, because I have people I can count on, but the notiion of a a maid of honor that you don't even speak to? What is the point?
You might as well just walk down the isle by yourself and skip all the other stuff.
If my bridesmaids were only interested in putting on a dress and showing up for free booze, I would be more than a little ticked.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:4f1dc794-c302-48bc-ba96-532726580e18">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Your advice is incorrect. You CHOSE to do those things for your friend. It is not, and never has been, "required" for a bridesmaid to do those things. The wedding and all planning was, traditionally, the responsibility of the bride's FAMILY. Bridesmaids are chosen as a way to honor special friends, not a way to get help for the wedding. The wedding was, again, traditionally planned and worked by the bride's family in the days when a bride was married right from her home. That's no longer true, and most couples plan and pay for their own weddings. Planning the wedding is the sole responsibility of the bride and her fiance, or their families, if they are helping with expenses. If the bridesmaids WANT to help, it's fine to accept their offers. It is NOT, and never has been, right to expect this. The only thing a bride should do with those ridiculous lists of "duties" on wedding websites and in magazines is throw them in the trash. Those are published by the wedding industry to reinforce the notion that THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE in the bride's head. The industry wants the bridesmaids to believe they're bad friends if they don't wear matching dresses, shoes, jewelry, evening wraps, purses, get their hair and nails done, host a shower and bachelorette, give the bride a shower and wedding gift...... Do you see where I'm going with this???? It's about making money. There is no nice way to put someone out of a wedding party. It's a very public insult to the friend. Be very careful that your One Perfect Day doesn't result in a lifetime of lost friendships, or resentful friends who get tired of being used as free labor.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

kefryar · April 2013

That's the point. Make it known.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:aaf857f7-3db3-4d51-b8f8-936cda60f4b8">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Kefryar, people aren't that dense. If someone asks you a leading question such as you suggested, you'd know you weren't meeting their expectations. Additionally, a bridesmaid always knows she can drop out.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

vanityink · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:54a8ff19-2cd0-4e02-8bdd-2c9195f0aa42">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]That's the point. Make it known. In Response to Re: I'm not sure what to do :
Posted by kefryar[/QUOTE]

If they always know already...you don't have to make it known any other way...logic says to me at least...

kerbohl · April 2013

I don't see the part where OP said that this MOH was shirking on her duties. She just says that she tries to hang out with her (and didn't say it was for wedding stuff) and this girl is no where to be found. The question then is not whether she will be MOH - OP, you already asked and she will be unless she comes to you without you saying anything and says she wants out. The question is what is going on with your friend that she is not making an effort to hang out with you. Is something going on in her life that she doesn't have time to hang out with you? Is she maybe depressed about the fact that you are getting married? Maybe just give her a call, and be honest, say "hey, haven't seen you for a while and I miss you. Want to grab a coffee and talk?" And just see how she is. Hopefully she'll have time for a coffee.

hmleasure · April 2013

<div><div>I am pretty sure I never said anything about her doing anything for the wedding right now. My thing was she didn't want to do anything as a friend. Read something carefully before you comment. That might help make a productive insightful convo.</div><div>
</div></div><div>
</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:763af852-7968-4bd2-a041-61b08e70fdc1">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding is in August 2014. What do you think she should be doing for your wedding right now???? She still has a life, and may be busy with any number of things right now. Being kicked out of a wedding party is a VERY public insult to a friend that almost always ends a friendship permanently. Think long and hard before you end a friendship over one day out of your life. Maybe you should say, nicely, that if it is causing too much stress to be a bridesmaid she doesn't have to do it There is no "nice" way to do this. What she'll hear is, "She doesn't want me in her wedding." Just what kind of "stress" could she be under for a wedding that's over a year away?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

hmleasure · April 2013

<div>I know i already said this once to one of your responses but i never said anything about needing her to do anything for the wedding. Please read carefully before you reply or don't join in the convo. </div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:227111ed-a93d-4606-a9f0-baeaf696069c">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Kefryar....... if she needs help so badly.......she should be wondering where her ***FIANCE*** is, not her Maid of Honor. You know......her fiance? The guy she's marrying? One would expect the man she's marrying to be at her side in a heartbeat, taking the reins from her hands and resolving the issues, since she's so stressed and desperate. Wouldn't you expect a man who loves a woman to do that? Her Maid of Honor isn't a bad friend if she doesn't want to put her life on hold and drop everything she's doing (such as her job and day-to-day chores) to go to vendor appointments and run errands for someone else's wedding. She isn't a bad friend if she doesn't have time to do this. Just what the heck IS there for a Maid of Honor to do this far from the wedding date? There's not much for a BRIDE to do except book an officiant and a reception venue! She shouldn't be doing that with her MOH at all. Why isn't the bride's future husband going to those appointments with her? Making some phone calls for her? Helping with those plans? A bride who is "stressed" over wedding planning is doing it wrong. Period. This is from someone who planned three weddings. I'm 49, and was widowed once, divorced once prior to this. My parents were dead, so it was just myself and the future husband on all of them. My fiance for #2 was in grad school and couldn't help AT ALL for #2. P.S. You don't walk down an isle. You walk down an AISLE.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

Hey woah little lady, there's no need to be nasty to anyone who is taking time out of their day to help give you advice.

hmleasure · April 2013

<div>And again people can't read! I am all for advice. Hence the reason I posted. My problem is with the people who can't answer the question and insult others. Or at least try to. It is kind of a fail when they can't match the insult with the post. :/</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:1c502f53-a762-4156-8633-21ed8a328f6f">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I think someone missed the part about this being an open forum where they ask for people's opinions by the act of posting.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

hmleasure · April 2013

<div>Thank you for taking notice of what was really meant by my post. And thank you for the advice. </div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:1502f0f2-96b0-46cb-a860-1cffceeafa54">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see the part where OP said that this MOH was shirking on her duties. She just says that she tries to hang out with her (and didn't say it was for wedding stuff) and this girl is no where to be found. The question then is not whether she will be MOH - OP, you already asked and she will be unless she comes to you without you saying anything and says she wants out. The question is what is going on with your friend that she is not making an effort to hang out with you. Is something going on in her life that she doesn't have time to hang out with you? Is she maybe depressed about the fact that you are getting married? Maybe just give her a call, and be honest, say "hey, haven't seen you for a while and I miss you. Want to grab a coffee and talk?" And just see how she is. Hopefully she'll have time for a coffee.
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

mc4dj13 · April 2013

MEOW, Ladies!

I am going to tell you what to do, right now- because it happened to me. I told a woman I thought was my friend that I couldnt allow her to be in my wedding after she and I had gone to bridal expo's done pre-wedding fun stuff for shits and giggles. Why you ask? After knowing this person for 4+ years because she was married to my Fiance's cousin I figured it was pretty safe to ask her to be a bridesmaid.

I cut her out of my wedding because she confided in me that she had left her husband and was now going to live (had probably already been sleeping with) with a mutual friend of theirs. I didn't want that kind of drama surrounding my wedding, and my Fiance's cousin was more important to me than her. After all- she did this to HIM. She understood, and didn't fight me at all.

Maybe your MOH will reasonably understand your concern and rational for asking her to step down. If she has some personal issues going on and asks you to reconsider than it's up to you. Someone who doesnt want to talk to you is not dependable in my book. All of you ladies afraid of hurting someone's feelings need to grow some balls. Keep reaching out to this bridesmaid, may I suggest snail mail?

This post was just to show that it is completely justifiable to ask a bridesmaid to step down.It is you and your Fiance's day. Do not apologize for asking it to be drama free. And yea, it ended our "friendship" but after knowing someone's true colors then I am not at a loss.

hmleasure · April 2013

<div>Thank you very much for your post. It helped a lot.</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:f916220c-57e6-4282-9c0d-d5c11a0ee6e1">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]MEOW, Ladies! I am going to tell you what to do, right now- because it happened to me. I told a woman I thought was my friend that I couldnt allow her to be in my wedding after she and I had gone to bridal expo's done pre-wedding fun stuff for shits and giggles. Why you ask? After knowing this person for 4+ years because she was married to my Fiance's cousin I figured it was pretty safe to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I cut her out of my wedding because she confided in me that she had left her husband and was now going to live (had probably already been sleeping with) with a mutual friend of theirs. I didn't want that kind of drama surrounding my wedding, and my Fiance's cousin was more important to me than her. After all- she did this to HIM. She understood, and didn't fight me at all. Maybe your MOH will reasonably understand your concern and rational for asking her to step down. If she has some personal issues going on and asks you to reconsider than it's up to you. Someone who doesnt want to talk to you is not dependable in my book. All of you ladies afraid of hurting someone's feelings need to grow some balls. Keep reaching out to this bridesmaid, may I suggest snail mail? This post was just to show that it is completely justifiable to ask a bridesmaid to step down.It is you and your Fiance's day. Do not apologize for asking it to be drama free. And yea, it ended our "friendship" but after knowing someone's true colors then I am not at a loss.
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-not-sure-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cd1f7678-51d4-4c1f-b93c-e4077c8c2078Post:f916220c-57e6-4282-9c0d-d5c11a0ee6e1">Re: I'm not sure what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]MEOW, Ladies! I am going to tell you what to do, right now- because it happened to me. I told a woman I thought was my friend that I couldnt allow her to be in my wedding after she and I had gone to bridal expo's done pre-wedding fun stuff for shits and giggles. Why you ask? After knowing this person for 4+ years because she was married to my Fiance's cousin I figured it was pretty safe to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I cut her out of my wedding because she confided in me that she had left her husband and was now going to live (had probably already been sleeping with) with a mutual friend of theirs. I didn't want that kind of drama surrounding my wedding, and my Fiance's cousin was more important to me than her. After all- she did this to HIM. She understood, and didn't fight me at all. Maybe your MOH will reasonably understand your concern and rational for asking her to step down. If she has some personal issues going on and asks you to reconsider than it's up to you. Someone who doesnt want to talk to you is not dependable in my book. All of you ladies afraid of hurting someone's feelings need to grow some balls. Keep reaching out to this bridesmaid, may I suggest snail mail? This post was just to show that it is completely justifiable to ask a bridesmaid to step down.It is you and your Fiance's day. Do not apologize for asking it to be drama free. And yea, it ended our "friendship" but after knowing someone's true colors then I am not at a loss.
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]
FFS, NO. No to all of this BS.

I'm not sure what to do

Re: I'm not sure what to do

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