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Backward jealousy

Do you have it? In case you don't know what it is - it's the act of being jealous of your SO's PAST relationships.

I have it. Badly. And one of FI's exes just added him on Linked In last night and I thought "Oh, that's nice, she wants to be friends again," because she despised him after they stopped dating. I even encouraged him to add her on Facebook, which he did.

And now I'm inwardly freaking out. What is wrong with me? And do you experience backward jealousy too?

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Re: Backward jealousy

  • I had it when we first started dating & it lasted about 2 years. But, one day I just woke up and was like "Hey, he is marrying me. Not her. She is a non-factor". With that said, I still probably wouldnt be okay with them being fb friends or anything. To be honest, I logged onto his facebook a while back and blocked her from contacting him. I had to!! She kept sending him messages and stuff, even after I nicely asked her not to.
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  • Oh gosh no. FI had horrible relationships before me. I had a lot of horrible relationships too, but...

    I think FI is jealous of my relationship with one my best, oldest friends who has been in love with me since we were kids and proposed to me several years ago. He's incredibly successful and intelligent, I'm really close to him, and I love him to death. I've just never felt romantic about him. I've always felt more like siblings and he doesn't want/like kids which means we would never happen anyway.

    I think FI has relaxed about him more since friend moved across country and even more since he's started to settle into a long term relationship. He actually likes him a lot in general.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • I didn't realize it made me uncomfortable until after the fact.

    I don't feel any jealousy toward females he knows now or random flings he had in the past. And with this social network re-connection, I didn't feel anything last night, so I was glad and I said, go ahead, add her, it would be nice to be on good terms with her again.

    But my backwards jealousy reared its ugly head again. I don't understand it! I'm not worried that he's going to leave them for me. I'm not sure what makes me feel jealous.

    I can't be the only one?!

  • I'm that way. BF left his ex for me and we're very comfortable and happy. I trust him completely, but sometimes I am irrational.

    Ex still believes she's really good friends with his family, so she sent them all invites to her wedding, calls to check in with the family and catch up, etc. It doesn't directly affect BF or I so I've learned to let it go, and BF can't tell family who to and not to be friends with. He's said it makes him a little uncomfortable but his family doesn't seem to care, so...

    I get twinges of jealousy for no good reason because of it. I'll admit it.
    my blog - for the love of ein
    'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:7717f43a-9c96-46a5-876a-fbc3e03c12b2">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh gosh no. FI had horrible relationships before me. I had a lot of horrible relationships too, but... I think FI is jealous of my relationship with one my best, oldest friends who has been in love with me since we were kids and proposed to me several years ago. He's incredibly successful and intelligent, I'm really close to him, and I love him to death. I've just never felt romantic about him. I've always felt more like siblings and he doesn't want/like kids which means we would never happen anyway. I think FI has relaxed about him more since friend moved across country and even more since he's started to settle into a long term relationship. He actually likes him a lot in general.
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    Muppet, are we clones, or maybe palgarizing each other's lives?  This is almost exactly my situation :P.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I have never once been jealous.  I just don't understand the point of it.  My H has told me all about every girl he has ever dated or slept with.  The stories are actually quite funny and it makes him realize the crazy crap he used to do when he was young.

    Remember he is marrying you so why the jealousy of a person that really doesn't even matter?  I doubt he will one day wake up and go "I am leaving you for X.  I just now realized that she is the one."  And if he did ever do that he is a douche and you are better off.


  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Hell, no. I am a huge upgrade from his past relationships. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:8c63163f-e965-4ecd-9f79-8e2cfe0088b9">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Backward jealousy : Muppet, are we clones, or maybe palgarizing each other's lives?  This is almost exactly my situation :P.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    Am I wrong or does this keep happening?
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Sorry, nope!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:d6930794-6620-4e97-95a6-d4be903b5271">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Backward jealousy : Am I wrong or does this keep happening?
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    lol no, that's why I am starting to wonder.  I have the corner market on horrible exes though :P
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • Ditto Maggie that I've never been jealous.  But, opposite of her, we have never talked about our ex's.  I don't see the point.  
  • I could not care less about his past relationships. Same for him. I have met girls that he slept with in college, and really, I just don't care.
    He has a really good girl friend who he has known since they were babies and they have slept in the same bed since we have been together (not since we were married though, he wouldn't do that just on principle) when he was traveling a lot for work, and it didn't bother me at all. But I know her and trust her, as well as him.
    But being in a 3 time zone long distance relationship would have split us apart if we ever had any jealousy to begin with.
    Which we don't. 
  • I'm guilty of the jealousy monster. I try to be really open with FI about what/who makes me uncomfortable and why. It's almost always because of things from MY past affecting how I see things now, not because FI is doing something shady or whatever. I do NOT look at his phone or log in to his FB account though. We have a sort of "open door" policy that we can look if we want, but as far as I know, it's not happened. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:dd47b6b7-9690-4cbb-8ce6-8fbd69ad849e">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Backward jealousy : No you did not have to micro-manage his relationship with his ex. TBH if my friend's GF sent me a message and asked me to stop contacting her BF but my friend himself did not ask me to stop I wouldn't stop and I'd laugh at her behind her back.  You sound really controlling and very insecure.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    Okay Linger. Im super controlling and insecure & you can tell that all from one comment I made about something I did 3 years ago. At that time, I felt like I did have to send her a message because not only was she constantly messaging him, but she was saying really bad things about me on the internet, having never even met me before. Things that I would NEVER say to someone I didnt know. I was very nice in the message, so I dont really things its a big deal. This was 3 years ago and Im a way different person now.
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  • Nope.  Could not care less about his past relationships.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:685e77f2-6710-4e89-8740-9ce6fe1762dd">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hell, no. I am a huge upgrade from his past relationships. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    <div>LOL... and ditto.  Of course, we started dating in highschool, so it's not like he had much of a dating past, but those girls were nothing to be jealous of.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>

    SaveSave
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:9141353b-5f8c-44ae-b0a4-773535de9b36">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Backward jealousy : lol no, that's why I am starting to wonder.  I have the corner market on horrible exes though :P
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    When you removed your siggy photo, it became harder to find your posts.

    Maybe one of us has a doppelganger? Which one is the original and which is evil though?
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:68354d8d-382d-4d3e-920a-a800de1369a5">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Backward jealousy : Why didn't he tell her to stop?  Why didn't he stand up for you? Yes your actions were very controlling and showed signs of insecurity and you posted about it in this thread like you were proud of severing his relationship with her.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    She severed their relationship when she cheated on him and then didnt tell him until 4 years later. I didnt ask him to tell her to stop. Like I said, I was a way different person back then and at that time, I felt like I had to send her that message.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:1149fcbb-8957-4336-b551-19e821fc8ef2">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Backward jealousy : ... Does your FI know you hacked his facebook and changed his settings? 
    Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

    Yes he does know.
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  • Sierra you have some serious trust issues here.  If DH ever did what you did to my FB account I would be beyond pissed.  If it had happened before the wedding, I would have seriously considered calling it off because no way in hell would i want to be married to a controlling jealous psycho.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Eh. I've had twinges of it here and there but it's usually just me overthinking or being insecure, and I can recognize and admit that. H is FB friends with his high school gf and probably girls he's slept with beofre, I don't really know, he doesn't really converse with them or whatever. We've never sat down and talked about all of our exes because we don't really see the point.

    There was only one time I ever was bothered or said anything to him, and that was a few months after our son was born and one of his exes was constantly commenting on pics. The last straw was when she said something pretty personal that struck a chord with me. I mentioned that it made me uncomfortable and he made the decision to delete her. I wasn't even going to ask or suggest that he do that. 

    MIL is FB friends with the high school gf and is always going on and on about how much she loves her  on there. I just roll my eyes and imagine the day when we live far, far away.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:1c344236-07b3-45e7-9446-5914b2294adb">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]DH has a good friend who is a former coworker of his.  The two of them are really close friends.  They never dated and he says that he never thought of her that way.  She is married (I don't think she was when they worked together).   I wouldn't say that i'm jealous , but there was a weird feeling when he  & i first started dating and I saw how friendly she is.  DH said he has similar feelings regarding one of my guy friends (again, we never dated and he is married w/ a kid and another on the way). FWIW, we are going out with his friends this weekend, including the woman I referenced.  So it's definitely not an issue for me.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think there's a difference between feeling a little weird about someone and jealousy.  FI had a girl friend who admitted she had feelings for him and just said things that weren't always really appropriate.  He didn't sever the relationship, but he did kind of distance himself from her (on his own, I never told him what to do).   I was never like, "OMG, she's going to steal my man!"  I just thought she was kind of weird and inappropriate.  To me, true jealousy is an issue of trust.  Men or women may come into your life that act inappropriately towards or hit on your spouse, but it's not big deal.  The only important thing is how they act towards the other person.  If your spouse starts acting in an inappropriate way, then you have a spouse problem, not a "other woman" or "other man" problem.</div><div>
    </div><div>BTW... these are just my thoughts, I'm not trying to preach.  I got a million flaws of my own, so I'm not judging anyone for being jealous.  It's just not one of my many flaws.</div>

    SaveSave
  • There was only ever one friend of FI's who gave me weird vibes, like she was interested romantically in him. He eventually decided to stop talking to her and I've never felt that way about any of his other female friends. As for past relationships, I'm a huge step up from FI's past relationship, so I feel quite secure :-D




  • GLB...it happened 3 years ago, way before being engaged. Probably about a month into our relationship.

    I guess my FI likes that Im a crazy pyscho because he still proposed.

    Anyway, like Ive said before, I was a WAY different person back then. I had a lot of personal issues and have spent the last 3 years working on them and trying to get some things under control. Maybe I shouldnt have sent her a message but Im not going to worry about it now, 3 years later. I would never do that now, but thats just because I am in a better mindset than I was back then & have a whole new view on things.
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  • HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2013
    Nope. I've caviar and she's last week's leftovers thrown in the trash. 

    She did have a issue when we first got together though. She used to write me messages on FB and that crazy b!tch even moved to NJ to follow him.
     
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  • I had it when we first started dating, but I was super insecure and convinced I wasn't good enough.  It was really quite dumb since he never seriously dated anyone either and we were in high school. 

     

    I used to have jealously issues, but I have worked on them and I am 99% secure.  I say 99, because I still get twinges every once and a while but I have them under control and if I feel uncomfortable about something, I just mention it to H, most of the time he is oblivious so that makes me feel better.

     

    I also hate it when girls flirt with H when I am right there.  I seriously wonder about their level of self-esteem that they need confirmation from a married (or if they don't know, in a relationship) guy to feel valued.   But H is also a really nice guy and sort of a flirt without realizing it.  Girls dig him.  Lol  He is so surprised when I tell him a girl was hitting on him.  

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_backward-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:405b618e-16ce-46cb-a422-ae3cf637ec9ePost:00d5a48a-aebd-4beb-99a9-4b74507ff767">Re: Backward jealousy</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had it when we first started dating & it lasted about 2 years. But, one day I just woke up and was like "Hey, he is marrying me. Not her. She is a non-factor". With that said, I still probably wouldnt be okay with them being fb friends or anything. To be honest, I logged onto his facebook a while back and blocked her from contacting him. <strong>I had to!!</strong> She kept sending him messages and stuff, even after I nicely asked her not to.
    Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]


    you didn't have to. You wanted to.  And you had no business asking her not to contact him.  He is a grownup and shoulda done that by himself.  You probably looked like a crazy controlling girlfriend when you did that.
  • FI doesn't really have much in the way of a past so there's not really much to be jealous of. The closest thing he does have to a past relationship, the girl was apparently a hot mess so no jealousy there. As for him, he's not really the jealous type so I don't think he much cares about my exes.




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