Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}

Thx in advance! (Long- post)...

Early Oct 2013 wedding. 
5 BMs who picked out their own dresses. <--Easy part. We go home to order online (free ship if all together) & one BM, "Ray", said she had to leave & couldn't buy now due to $$ issues. Of course I understood, so they're ordering in 1 month. I bought their shoes (again they picked their own).

2 hours later Ray calls- she cannot committ to being a BM due to her job being up in June. (Again understandable). Long time friend of 25 yrs, (we're 30 now) who I couldn't imagine NOT being in BP. Needless to say I was upset & wanted to figure something out.

But why did she wait to tell me, agree to dress budget, general budgetpick out the dress w/ us (she loved it) &THEN drop out? 

I offered to pay for the dress (under agreed budget), bach party is inexpensive/local & said I'd understand if she couldn't make bach. Mom's not asking BMs to contribute to shower. No fancy gifts on registry (Fi & I own home). Inexpensive wed (Fi & I paying) - 125ppl, lots of DIY. I told Ray the $$ part of things isn't impt to me, having her in my wed IS & I don't mind chipping in to help make that happen. I was in her shoes last yr, unemployed 9 mths, in 2 weds- but I figured it out. I budgeted & made it work b/c it was impt to the bride. I know I can't compare my $$ situation to hers, it just hurts- she won't even consider my suggestions..just said no to everything I said, wouldn't even sleep on it & is being nonchalant about it. Not going to beg her, but told her how I felt & she doesn't care- she's more worried about how she'll "look" staying in the BP on a strict budget.

Do I try to talk to her again about it? Or let it go? I'm hurt, confused, trying to be understanding but finding it difficult the way she's handling it I guess. - BUT don't want to push if shouldn't. 

Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Let it go, it sounds like you've offered all the help you can but if she doesn't want to accept it then you have to respect that. Tell her that your offer still stands if she changes her mind later and that you hope she will celebrate with you at the wedding as a guest.


  • Thank you. 

    Wedding aside she is my long time friend, and I can't let something like this bother me to the point where it affects our friendship. 

    I'm trying to be understanding. I'm just disappointed I guess. 

    As long as she's there to celebrate I will be happy - and so will she... and that's the most important thing. 

    Just needed to hear it from someone else. (My other BMs are angry with her so I needed an outside perspective). THANK YOU KINDLY Innocent
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d19c2b24-cc0e-4a7a-816d-6cc80a62655dPost:69aefbc5-b329-48cd-ba3d-22b2083dce93">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you.  Wedding aside she is my long time friend, and I can't let something like this bother me to the point where it affects our friendship.  I'm trying to be understanding. I'm just disappointed I guess.  As long as she's there to celebrate I will be happy - and so will she... and that's the most important thing.  Just needed to hear it from someone else. (My other BMs are angry with her so I needed an outside perspective). THANK YOU KINDLY 
    Posted by JNwedding31[/QUOTE]

    Well, you did mention that she just found out that she's going to lose her job.  If she didn't know that prior to her agreeing to the budget, then it would have come probably as a big shock to her that leaves her with no choice but to tighten her belt-even if it means dropping out of the wedding.  She probably could use some support from you now, not complaints about her timing-it's never a good time to find out that your job isn't going to last if you're not looking to leave, or haven't found a new job yet.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d19c2b24-cc0e-4a7a-816d-6cc80a62655dPost:755320ec-fd44-4f85-8c93-115314b0673d">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post} : Well, you did mention that she just found out that she's going to lose her job.  If she didn't know that prior to her agreeing to the budget, then it would have come probably as a big shock to her that leaves her with no choice but to tighten her belt-even if it means dropping out of the wedding.  She probably could use some support from you now, not complaints about her timing-it's never a good time to find out that your job isn't going to last if you're not looking to leave, or haven't found a new job yet.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>She knew when she agreed to be a BM that there was a possibility the job wouldn't last. She knew she wouldn't be required to shell out hundreds of dollars from the beginning when we discussed budget. I am reasonable & know no one has to spend lots of $$ to have fun/look great, so everyone was happy & in agreement. </div><div>
    </div><div>I thought she panicked a bit, but putting myself in her shoes I realize how scary it is. Like I said- I was there last year. Just because I made it work to be in the weddings doesn't mean she can. It just meant a lot to me for her to be part of it, and it doesn't seem like she wants to find a way to be involved at all so it was disappointing. </div><div>
    </div><div>At the end of the day I'm marrying my honey with my awesome friends & fam around me, and that's good enough for me. And I don't want her to stress about my wedding (one day of her life) while she's going through the complexities of unemployment. </div><div>
    </div><div>So great to have outside perspectives. I called & asked her to dinner for Friday so we could maybe talk about a plan of attack for finding a job (& talk about things other than me & my wedding lol). She said she'd give me the money for the shoes I bought her. But they were a gift (even though she's no longer in the wedding, I want her to have them - they're so HOTT!)</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for the advice!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d19c2b24-cc0e-4a7a-816d-6cc80a62655dPost:9fca0ec9-57f3-4f2b-bb68-e40957b45694">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post} : She knew when she agreed to be a BM that there was a possibility the job wouldn't last. She knew she wouldn't be required to shell out hundreds of dollars from the beginning when we discussed budget. I am reasonable & know no one has to spend lots of $$ to have fun/look great, so everyone was happy & in agreement.  I thought she panicked a bit, but putting myself in her shoes I realize how scary it is. Like I said- I was there last year. Just because I made it work to be in the weddings doesn't mean she can. It just meant a lot to me for her to be part of it, and it doesn't seem like she wants to find a way to be involved at all so it was disappointing.  At the end of the day I'm marrying my honey with my awesome friends & fam around me, and that's good enough for me. And I don't want her to stress about my wedding (one day of her life) while she's going through the complexities of unemployment.  So great to have outside perspectives. I called & asked her to dinner for Friday<strong> so we could maybe talk about a plan of attack for finding a job </strong>(& talk about things other than me & my wedding lol). She said she'd give me the money for the shoes I bought her. But they were a gift (even though she's no longer in the wedding, I want her to have them - they're so HOTT!) Thanks for the advice!
    Posted by JNwedding31[/QUOTE]

    Please dont be the one to bring up finding a job. If she brings it up, thats fine. I just lost my job last month. My best friend is constantly saying "you need to find a job, lets go here and there & you should be out applying for jobs all the time". I know that her heart is in the right place, but I find it really annoying. I am all on board with finding a job, but I dont like that she talks about it because it makes me feel more pressured. I dont mind talking about it, but only if I feel like it and I bring it up.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d19c2b24-cc0e-4a7a-816d-6cc80a62655dPost:f5d398b0-44ae-4acd-a537-5485d8e55566">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post} : Please dont be the one to bring up finding a job. If she brings it up, thats fine. I just lost my job last month. My best friend is constantly saying "you need to find a job, lets go here and there & you should be out applying for jobs all the time". I know that her heart is in the right place, but I find it really annoying. I am all on board with finding a job, but I dont like that she talks about it because it makes me feel more pressured. I dont mind talking about it, but only if I feel like it and I bring it up.
    Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]


    <div>What I meant by "plan of attack for finding a job" was being there for her in her time of need & not just talking about my needs/my wedding... She brought up the job thing when I asked if she wanted to have dinner. I was unemployed 9 months last year & found it very helpful when ppl asked me about my search, b/c it motivated me. Everyone takes things differently.. for you it was pressure, however she is open to it talking about it & it's something I can be there for her with since she has been there for me throughout the planning of the wedding ths far. I will be let go from my job this year as well- I am very understanding in this situation. Don't need the lecture, but thanks! </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-drop-out-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d19c2b24-cc0e-4a7a-816d-6cc80a62655dPost:4b621ae3-01b2-49a1-86ed-dbccb70428e9">Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post}</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Drop-out. {Long post} : What I meant by "plan of attack for finding a job" was being there for her in her time of need & not just talking about my needs/my wedding... She brought up the job thing when I asked if she wanted to have dinner. I was unemployed 9 months last year & found it very helpful when ppl asked me about my search, b/c it motivated me. Everyone takes things differently.. for you it was pressure, however she is open to it talking about it & it's something I can be there for her with since she has been there for me throughout the planning of the wedding ths far. I will be let go from my job this year as well- I am very understanding in this situation. Don't need the lecture, but thanks! 
    Posted by JNwedding31[/QUOTE]

    Wow, wasnt trying to lecture you. But okay. I also said if she is okay with talking about it, that is fine. It wasnt made clear that she was the one who wanted to talk about it, so therefore I thought that you were going to bring it up, which is why I suggested agaisnt it. But like I said before, if she wants to talk about it, go ahead. I get that you want to be a supportive friend, but sometimes in situations like this, it can be a very touchy subject.
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