Moms and Maids

more on the FMIL

So, about 3 weeks ago, FH came to me and said that his Mom doesn't want him to move out until just before the wedding in August. He is 43 and rents a suite in his Mom's rather large house. He also helps her with a lot of things, and she relies on him for far too much in my opinion. She's 72, widowed for many years, has a pension from both her career and her deceased husband's career, no mortgage, no other payments except utilities on a really old house, so I imagine they're quite high. FH pays rent and some bills.

Fast forward...he said that he would prefer moving in with me sooner rather than later, and suggested the end of April. I mentioned this to him last night, and he doesn't remember saying that. He wants to keep both myself and his Mom happy, and maybe move in June or July. He would still pay his Mom a bit of rent as he would be storing some stuff there, and moving over gradually.

Am I wrong to let this bug me? He's a 43 year old man who really needs to cut some apron strings, and it worries me about the amount of control she has over him. I know she doesn't want things to change, and is really nervous about that, but he lived MILES away from home for 15 years. She couldn't rely on him then.

Sorry for the rant! :S
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Re: more on the FMIL

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I had an ex who was like this. She called him whenever she needed something. One time, it stormed, and the power went out in her house. She called him to come over. To do what, exactly?  He couldn't fix the power outage. She was not stranded in the basement alone. And of course he went b/c he always caved in to her. Another time, her Christmas tree tipped over. It didn't fall over. It tipped and was leaning against the wall. She called him to come "right" it for her. He did. Things like that are what you will have to look forward to if your fiance doesn't stand up to her now. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Oh goody! He knows my concerns, but I really hope that he starts taking a stand up to the woman who claims that at 43 he can't make lunch "properly", so she takes over. I like her, she's a nice person, but the future scares the heck out of me. If she could, she would keep him at home with her forever.


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-on-the-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:915c9357-2584-4495-b6cc-3dbe7335d8dcPost:324338ef-1ac5-45d4-be2d-5ab3322dec03">Re: more on the FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I had an ex who was like this. She called him whenever she needed something. One time, it stormed, and the power went out in her house. She called him to come over. To do what, exactly?  He couldn't fix the power outage. She was not stranded in the basement alone. And of course he went b/c he always caved in to her. Another time, her Christmas tree tipped over. It didn't fall over. It tipped and was leaning against the wall. She called him to come "right" it for her. He did. Things like that are what you will have to look forward to if your fiance doesn't stand up to her now. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    My husband had a cousin who left mama at 38 to marry the love of his life. He spent more time doing odd jobs and providing companionship for his mother than he spent with his wife. He felt guilty for moving out of mama's house. The marriage didn't last a year.  His mama is now in her 90's. He's in his sixties and still living with his mama. They're very happy together.

    You should absolutely be upset. Your fi went back on his promise to you because he didn't want to leave his mom. If he hasn't cut the apron strings by age 43, when is he going to do it? This is worth taking a stand. 

    If your FMIL needs help around the house, she can hire someone. Bonus points for you if you can find an age appropriate handyman ; )  
                       
  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-on-the-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:915c9357-2584-4495-b6cc-3dbe7335d8dcPost:9e7b102b-aa11-49a9-870b-ca46ae238c91">more on the FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, about 3 weeks ago, FH came to me and said that his Mom doesn't want him to move out until just before the wedding in August. He is 43 and rents a suite in his Mom's rather large house. He also helps her with a lot of things, and she relies on him for far too much in my opinion. She's 72, widowed for many years, has a pension from both her career and her deceased husband's career, no mortgage, no other payments except utilities on a really old house, so I imagine they're quite high. FH pays rent and some bills. Fast forward...he said that he would prefer moving in with me sooner rather than later, and suggested the end of April. I mentioned this to him last night, and he doesn't remember saying that. He wants to keep both myself and his Mom happy, and maybe move in June or July. He would still pay his Mom a bit of rent as he would be storing some stuff there, and moving over gradually. Am I wrong to let this bug me? He's a 43 year old man who really needs to cut some apron strings, and it worries me about the amount of control she has over him. I know she doesn't want things to change, and is really nervous about that, but he lived MILES away from home for 15 years. She couldn't rely on him then. Sorry for the rant! :S
    Posted by Alesha1978[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Honestly, if this was my FI I might be questioning whether I even wanted to go forward with this. But thats just me. 

    </div>
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  • I had an ex like this.  He was younger (23), but his mom was divorced and the 2 of them lived in her large house.  He would do a lot around the house for her, and they would even split really big bills right down the middle, like if the room needed to be repaired, or if the furnace broke.  The relationship with this guy ended for other reasons, but I can only imagine what life would have been like had we stayed together with his mom being so clingy
  • Yeah, this is what I'm afraid of. I had a chat with him about this on Friday evening, and he doesn't see anything that I see, as an outsider looking in. It concerns me, and I don't want to be married for only a couple years, then divorced. He doesn't see it as a problem that his Mom makes his lunch because apparently, it makes her feel useful. She could be useful in others ways though. I love the man, but I really don't know what the future will hold with his mother.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-on-the-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:915c9357-2584-4495-b6cc-3dbe7335d8dcPost:0c6f74b6-ec7f-45f3-991b-b6dd875707ca">Re: more on the FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to more on the FMIL : Honestly, if this was my FI I might be questioning whether I even wanted to go forward with this. But thats just me. 
    Posted by smalfrie19[/QUOTE]
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-on-the-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:915c9357-2584-4495-b6cc-3dbe7335d8dcPost:dcce61fc-2d13-479a-a37e-4f977e3358b9">Re: more on the FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, this is what I'm afraid of. I had a chat with him about this on Friday evening, and he doesn't see anything that I see, as an outsider looking in. It concerns me, and I don't want to be married for only a couple years, then divorced. He doesn't see it as a problem that his Mom makes his lunch because apparently, it makes her feel useful. She could be useful in others ways though. I love the man, but I really don't know what the future will hold with his mother. In Response to Re: more on the FMIL :
    Posted by Alesha1978[/QUOTE]

    Uh oh. Is he going to expect you to make his lunch?
  • Oh good Lord, no! He knows what my schedule is like, and we're both quite capable of making our own lunches. Supper, when he is around on weekends, is usually a tag-team effort.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-on-the-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:915c9357-2584-4495-b6cc-3dbe7335d8dcPost:cc37f8b2-0b72-4241-9abf-3a4fb15fa89b">Re: more on the FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: more on the FMIL : Uh oh. Is he going to expect you to make his lunch?
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]
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