Wedding Etiquette Forum

Holy Dinah, what a can of worms... (long)

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible... it shall be challenging

Point 1: I am not close with my father's side of the family, especially since he passed away. Honestly, the majority of them are just not very nice people, with exception of a few cousins and one aunt and uncle. One of my aunts has had no contact with me or my sister since my father died. She flipped out when my mother changed her name back to her maiden name, 4 YEARS AFTER HE DIED. After that, she wanted nothing to do with any of us, and has been particularly nasty to my mother, even going as far to say that she wished she had died instead of her brother. Flash forward to now. I invited them to the wedding, because if I didn't, I wouldn't hear the end of it from my paternal grandmother. They declined to come, relief for me.

Point 2: My mother is an alcoholic, what you would call a "functioning" one, but one none the less, and has sought no desire to get help, so we just deal with it and support her the best we can. A week ago, I had this crazy dream that the aunt in question above phoned me and raged at me for not paying for her hotel room for the wedding, then called my grandmother who called me; honestly the whole dream was messed up, because as a big of a B that my aunt is, she's not that forward... not to mention that everything was in greyscale and people were riding hippogriffs... I was over at my mother's house with FI last week and told her about this dream. I began the conversation with "I had this dream...". Unfortunately, she was into more than a few glasses of wine, and for whatever reason, she didn't hear that I said it was dream, or chose not to.

She phoned my other aunt(who is married to my father's brother) and told her about it, as if it had actually happened, and wasn't a dream like I said it was. That aunt then phoned her daughter, my cousin, and told her about it, who then told the aunt in question, who promptly flipped the eff out (understandably), and sent me, my mother, and every single person on her side of the family an email directed to me, telling me off for spreading malicious lies about her. Now I'm getting non stop phone calls from EVERYONE asking me what the eff is going on.

*Bangs head on table repeatedly*... I have no idea what the hell to do. My mother still thinks it's a true story, and I can't bring myself to say "No Mom, I told you it was a dream... but you forgot that because you were half into a 40 of wine", or something of that effect. And I'm scared to email my aunt back and set everyone straight and have everyone from that side of the family talking about how my mom is a drinker, and it getting back to her and her getting upset with me (she absolutely does not admit she has a problem, any time we mention it, it ends in a fight). Does anyone have a suggestion? And does it involve moving to Guam? Yes? No? Bueller?
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Re: Holy Dinah, what a can of worms... (long)

  • You can send an email explaining there was just some miscommunication between you and your mom. You don't need to bring up the fact that she was drunk at the time. You might be better off just taking the phone calls and explaining it one at a time to people. On a side note... I'm sure you've been told this before, so I'm sorry in advance if I sound like a broken record, but have you considered AlAnon?
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  • That's what I was thinking of doing. The problem is that that entire side of the family couldn't keep a secret to save their lives, and my Mom still has contact with the aunt she told it to in the first place, and if I email one family member, everyone knows and it gets back to my Mom, who take it to mean that I told the whole family that she's a liar.

    No broken record, thank you for your thoughtfulness, and yes, I have been going to AlAnon for the last 3 years, and it's a great support for me.
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  • I just want to say that my mum is also a functioning alcoholic, with hep C. After years and years if denial, she must have received some (bad) news from her dr. recently, and after a huge blowout at my sisters 18th, where she tried to hug/kiss every boy there, she is finally giving up (well trying to).
    I know it can be hard, and you don't want people to judge, or for you to feel embarrassed, you just have to remember that your mum is an adult, and if she does embarrassing things when drunk (trust me, mine has done them all!) then like all adults, the need to take responsibility. If that means being told that she has f'ed up this situation, then she needs to suffer the consequences. If that means (my mum...) being caught drink driving/being hit by a car when drunk walking across the road/kissing 18 year old at my (other) sisters birthday party/talking about blow jobs whist sucking edamame beans at my engagement party, then they need to be embarrassed and then suffer the consequences. Again, they are adults, and as much as they (alcoholics) act like children/blame things on everyone else/"are just having a good time", you will feel a whole lot better when you stop being responsible for shielding her from her own bad/drunk behaviour. 

    Sorry I know you didn't ask for any of that advice, and it may not be right in your situation. Part of the reason I have not married after 12 years together, 2 years engaged, is the thought of how my mother will act at the wedding. I hope mine stays sober, but I am now not bother to just ignore her/let her embarrass herself/just say "haha, oh yeah mum, she sure likes wine!" at the wedding when she tries to kiss some of the 20 year olds there....
  • I would send a short email like this:

    "I want to say that this entire issue is based on my getting a phone call from Aunt Betsy.  I never received such a call, and I've never said that I received such a call.  So please back off and stop making all sorts of accusations about this, because there was no phone call."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_holy-dinah-what-a-can-of-worms-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5441756-f5e5-4436-8c34-98fe0767b593Post:6832b060-d7df-4743-b2aa-4b590bba2798">Re: Holy Dinah, what a can of worms... (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would send a short email like this: "I want to say that this entire issue is based on my getting a phone call from Aunt Betsy.  I never received such a call, and I've never said that I received such a call.  So please back off and stop making all sorts of accusations about this, because there was no phone call."
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]




    Well that's a terrible idea! I think calling is much better. Avoids people reading into the text. Just tell the truth but leave out the drunk mom part.
  • Since she e-mailed everyone, I'd reply-all and say:

    "I am really sorry about this misunderstanding.  I had a crazy dream and only told my mom part of it.  I assumed that she knew that it was only a dream, but we didn't talk long enough for us to clear up any misconceptions.  She was just trying to defend me--even though I didn't need it since Aunt never did anything wrong.  Aunt, I'm so sorry that you were brought into this.

    Thanks for being understanding,

    Yellowrose"

    Even though it isn't your fault, take the blame.  Keep the circumstances surrounding the misunderstanding vague so your mother's drinking isn't a factor.  I'm really sorry that you have to deal with all of this.  Good luck.
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  • I'd call out your mom for a) repeating your story to that side of the family and 2) telling it wrong (if you wanna bring up the wine part, that's your call) and tell her this is her mess to clean up. Then move on. I wouldn't have invited that aunt to begin with, but that ship has sailed.
  • I think you should explain to your mom first that what you told her about crazy Aunt was all a dream.  And tell your mom that it has caused a lot of problems for you, since she told normal Aunt that your dream was reality.  And then explain to all your family members that your mom misheard the story from you, and that everything was all a dream.  Your mom needs to hold some responsibility for this problem.  Tell her about it when you know she will be as close to sober as possible, maybe in the morning time?

    I'm glad you are going to Al Anon.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_holy-dinah-what-a-can-of-worms-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5441756-f5e5-4436-8c34-98fe0767b593Post:e5e8fa75-06ac-4cb7-bb45-14ae48274ff1">Re: Holy Dinah, what a can of worms... (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should explain to your mom first that what you told her about crazy Aunt was all a dream.  And tell your mom that it has caused a lot of problems for you, since she told normal Aunt that your dream was reality.  And then explain to all your family members that your mom misheard the story from you, and that everything was all a dream.  Your mom needs to hold some responsibility for this problem.  Tell her about it when you know she will be as close to sober as possible, maybe in the morning time? I'm glad you are going to Al Anon.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>ALL OF THIS.  I come from a family riddled with alcoholics and addicts.  You are doing a huge disservice to your mother by not calling her on her actions.  That is enabling her.</div><div>
    </div><div>She needs to be held responsible for the mess she has created.  Please, do everything mentioned in OliveOilsMom's post.  Your  mom created this mess because she was drinking - hold her accountable, let the family  know she misheard the story, and hopefully this will be cleared up.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm sure this was a hard lesson in not telling mom much of anything when she has been drinking.  I"m sorry you are in this position, but she needs to be held accountable.</div>
  • Also, you posted: " I have no idea what the hell to do. My mother still thinks it's a true story, and I can't bring myself to say "No Mom, I told you it was a dream... but you forgot that because you were half into a 40 of wine"

    This is exactly what she needs to start hearing.
  • This is a symptom of a bigger problem.

    Your Mom is a drunk and makes bad decisions because of that.  You don't want her to be embarassed, etc. so you are "protecting" her by not exposing the truth of the situation.  That is codependency at its finest.

    You can continue down this path with your mother or you can say "no more". 

    I'd simply tell your relatives that unfortunately, your mother misinterpretted a story you told her about a dream to be a TRUE story and hence this entire situation evolved from what should have been a laugh about a crazy dream to a drama fit for a daytime TV series.

    They can sort it out with her and she can face their criticisms.  None of this is your responsibility to fix or protect anyone from.  Let them figure it out.


    Many hugs to you!
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  • Stage and Drexel put it so well.  Far better than I did , and I lived what you are in right now for many many years.  You HAVE to start holding your mother accountable for her actions and not tolerating her BS.  It is the most loving and responsible thing you can do.  

    Alcoholics don't get help til they hit rock bottom and having family members protect them and not tell them when they are wrong prevents them from hitting said bottom.  Please - step up to the plate and be tough with her.  Otherwise, you could end up like me and have a mother (died when I was 10) and a brother (did his eulogy) dead from alcoholism.
  • Thinking of you!


    I hope your entire family is able to work this out.  It sounds as though there is a lot going on within the group and hopefully if everyone can start being honest and open in their communication with one another...drama like this will become minimal in the future!
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