Best Man/ MOH drama, help.

alison cunningham · April 2013

Our best man has been best friends since jr high so it was no doubt we wanted him to be our best man, and his wife who has become one of my best friends as our MOH. My mom bought my MOH and BM their dresses so all she had to do was buy her shoes. My fiance told his friend that he would help with the purchase of his suit (even though he has a great job and the suit isnt going to cost that much, hes just being a cheapass). Today out of the blue our best man called my fiance to see if he had the money so he could get the suit and got angry when my fiance, who went 2 1/2 months without work the last few months said he didnt have the money right now but would give him the half when he did. Long story short, the best man thought my fiance was being an a-hole and couldnt understand how we expected him to pony up for the suit, even thought I bought the shirts and we are buying their shoes. My MOH has basically passed off all her duties to other people and I'm so over them.

Is it bad if we tell them we no longer want them in the wedding? We each have another friend who will be up there with us, but I'm over all the drama. Thoughts???

Viczaesar · April 2013

In Response to Best Man/ MOH drama, help.:
[QUOTE]Our best man has been best friends since jr high so it was no doubt we wanted him to be our best man, and his wife who has become one of my best friends as our MOH. My mom bought my MOH and BM their dresses so all she had to do was buy her shoes. My fiance told his friend that he would help with the purchase of his suit (even though he has a great job and the suit isnt going to cost that much, hes just being a cheapass). Today out of the blue our best man called my fiance to see if he had the money so he could get the suit and got angry when my fiance, who went 2 1/2 months without work the last few months said he didnt have the money right now but would give him the half when he did. Long story short, the best man thought my fiance was being an a-hole and couldnt understand how we expected him to pony up for the suit, even thought I bought the shirts and we are buying their shoes. My MOH has basically passed off all her duties to other people and I'm so over them. Is it bad if we tell them we no longer want them in the wedding? We each have another friend who will be up there with us, but I'm over all the drama. Thoughts???
Posted by alison cunningham[/QUOTE]
Yes, it's bad. It frankly doesn't sound like they've done anything wrong. Your MOH doesn't have any duties to pass off to other people. All she has to do is get the dress and show up. Your BM's snit over clothes is a terrible reason to kick him out of your wedding as well.

kerbohl · April 2013

But, the MOH and BM's duty is only to buy the attire needed and show up, and they are refusing to purchase the attire. Doesn't that imply that they have no desire to be in the wedding party? OP is being more than generous by helping them pay, but the situation has changed and her FI can't really afford paying half right now. A good friend should have recognized that someone out of work might not be able to afford an expense like this at the moment.

SJM7538 · April 2013

In Response to Re:Best Man/ MOH drama, help.:[QUOTE]Our best man has been best friends since jr high so it was no doubt we wanted him to be our best man, and his wife who has become one of my best friends as our MOH. My mom bought my MOH and BM their dresses so all she had to do was buy her shoes. My fiance told his friend that he would help with the purchase of his suit even though he has a great job and the suit isnt going to cost that much, hes just being a cheapass. Today out of the blue our best man called my fiance to see if he had the money so he could get the suit and got angry when my fiance, who went 2 1/2 months without work the last few months said he didnt have the money right now but would give him the half when he did. Long story short, the best man thought my fiance was being an ahole and couldnt understand how we expected him to pony up for the suit, even thought I bought the shirts and we are buying their shoes. My MOH has basically passed off all her duties to other people and I'm so over them.nbsp;Is it bad if we tell them we no longer want them in the wedding? We each have another friend who will be up there with us, but I'm over all the drama. Thoughts??? Posted by alison cunningham[/QUOTE] First of all... If it wasn't within your budget to help purchase his suit then you shouldn't have offered. You should have asked him what HIS budget was and given him an idea of what you wanted and told him to get his own suit. Second...you say he's "just being a cheap ass". It's not your place to judge someone's financial situation. My fianc and I appear pretty well off but in reality we live paycheck to paycheck and are trying to pay down debt and wouldn't be able to get married this fall if it wasn't for our wonderful parents helping. So unless you're his accountant don't assume know what him and his wife have going on financially. Third your moh has no duties. If she wants to throw you a shower, Bach party or whatever then great. But these are gifts not "duties or something you have the right to" so don't just expect them. As far as your best man getting snippy About the suit... Talk to him like an adult. Tell him you didn't appreciate the way he handled it and you're sorry but you don't have the money at the moment. He will have to wait to get the suit.

AddieCake · April 2013

Yeah....why did you offer to pay for it if you couldn't? And then get mad when he asks about it? That makes no sense. And ditto what PPs said about "duties" and it not being your place to judge their finances.

daveANDkristen · April 2013

In Response to Re: Best Man/ MOH drama, help.:
[QUOTE]Your MOH has no duties other than getting her attire and showing up. When is the wedding? Most men can get their attire ordered around six weeks before the wedding. Let him wait a bit if he doesn't have the money yet.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

According to her bio, they've got 2 1/2 weeks to go. OP it sounds like you offered to pay for the suit at first and now are not able to. I understand that being out of work is a financial strain, but I think it's also very short notice to spring that you're not paying. Can you agree to let the BM wear a suit he already owns (if he owns one). Weddings can be stressful, especially in the home stretch - but please ask yourself if the minor annoyances that your MOH/BM are causing are worth losing lifelong friendships.

hordol · April 2013

In Response to Re: Best Man/ MOH drama, help.:
[QUOTE]But, the MOH and BM's duty is only to buy the attire needed and show up, and they are refusing to purchase the attire. Doesn't that imply that they have no desire to be in the wedding party? OP is being more than generous by helping them pay, but the situation has changed and her FI can't really afford paying half right now. A good friend should have recognized that someone out of work might not be able to afford an expense like this at the moment.
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, although I'm sure my opinion will be unpopular. If the only "duty" of the bridal party is to get their attire and show up, and the best man won't get his attire, isn't he kind of implying that he doesn't really want to be in the wedding party that much?

I agree that your FI probably shouldn't have been so quick to offer paying for the suit since financial situations can change, but it is hard to predict those changes sometimes. But unless the best man's agreement to being in the bridal party was only if you guys pay for it, I think it's a little immature to be mad. A good friend would be able to think, "gee, he's out of work and weddings are expensive...I guess I understand why he can't pay for this anymore."

I also agree that you shouldn't make assumptions about the best man's financial situation, either. On the surface, me and my FI make good salaries but we have a lot of debt that doesn't leave much left over.

But in summary, was the best man's agreement contingent on you guys paying for it? If so I can see why he is mad. If it wasn't, it's unfortunate that he got so worked up over it.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I think the problem here is notice, you guys should of said something about suit when your financial plans changed. This is your wedding and you made this commitment, either have a heart to heart with him, figure something else out with the attire, OR get the suit. I would be uspet too just weeks before a wedding and I am told I am paying full price for something I budgeted half for. Having money doesn't mean you don't have a budget NOR is it a reason to change the rules (justified or not). Had you came to hime months ago this might of been a different story.

As far as the MOH goes her duty is to show up, wear what you asked, and stand next to you nothing more nothing less.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

In Response to Re: Best Man/ MOH drama, help.:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best Man/ MOH drama, help. : This is what I was wondering too. You said you had already bought the shirts for them so i'm assuming they are buying the suits which I think is silly. My FI has been the Best Man in 3 weddings and his tux rental has been about $50 each time.
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]
Maybe, maybe not, I want a certain shirt that I couldn't find in the rental so we considered renting pants and vest but we are having our own shirts.

alison cunningham · May 2013

Thank you all for your opinions. The situation has already been handled, but I feel like I have to clarify something to all of you who think I was being to hard.

1) We asked them both to be in the wedding over a year ago, and decided on what they were wearing in February, so he didn't say yes based on us paying for it.

2) Yes we are having them buy a suit, we couldnt find any that were cheap enough to rent that matched what my fiance wanted. They are charcoal grey and can very easily be worn again...they are not a tux.

3) I agree my fiance should not have offered to help pay for it, but when he works, he makes good money so he was trying to be a good friend.

4) I don't know the BM fiances entirely, but I do know he makes almost double what my fiance does and altough he does have bills, my fiance has known him long enough to know that he bitches about money no matter how little or how much he has.

Thank you all again for your imput, things have been cleared up and they are still both in the wedding. It is now water under the bridge.

QueerFemme · May 2013

In Response to Re: Best Man/ MOH drama, help.:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your opinions. The situation has already been handled, but I feel like I have to clarify something to all of you who think I was being to hard. 1) We asked them both to be in the wedding over a year ago, and decided on what they were wearing in February, so he didn't say yes based on us paying for it. 2) Yes we are having them buy a suit, we couldnt find any that were cheap enough to rent that matched what my fiance wanted. They are charcoal grey and can very easily be worn again...they are not a tux. 3) I agree my fiance should not have offered to help pay for it, but when he works, he makes good money so he was trying to be a good friend. 4) I don't know the BM fiances entirely, but I do know he makes almost double what my fiance does and altough he does have bills, my fiance has known him long enough to know that he bitches about money no matter how little or how much he has. Thank you all again for your imput, things have been cleared up and they are still both in the wedding. It is now water under the bridge.
Posted by alison cunningham[/QUOTE]

You still offered to pay. And then backed out. Water under the bridge or not, you and your FI were in the wrong here. You offered, and then all of the sudden, you didn't have the money. How much your friend makes and how he spends his money or bitches about his bills has absolutely no relevance here. You offered, and then, barely a few weeks before your wedding, you didn't have the money you promised. This is your FI's fault.

Best Man/ MOH drama, help.

Re: Best Man/ MOH drama, help.

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