need help with a pause for memorial?

scissotron · January 2013

hi, ladies, i was just wondering if anyone knows about how long a pause for memorial should be.

i wrote out my ceremony today, and i have this one verse,

"On this happy day, surrounded by friends and family, we also honor those family members and friends who are no longer with us physically; but are carried in our hearts. Let us pause for a moment and bring them into our thoughts."

we are having our friend be our officiant, and hes never done a wedding before, so i was going to include a time for the pause, like [PAUSE FOR 10 SECONDS] or something, because i dont want it to seem hasty or awkward if his idea of a short pause differs from the average idea of a short pause.

so, my question to you, how long do you think is appropriate to pause the ceremony to reflect and remember all of those who wont be able to make it, because they have passed on?

AddieCake · January 2013

To be honest, the pause makes me uncomfortable. As a guest, I would not want to be there to celebrate the happy occasion of your marriage and then have an awkward moment of silence for the deceased.

scissotron · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:30997c82-073a-4862-b9a9-3ac56f7049e5">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, the pause makes me uncomfortable. As a guest, I would not want to be there to celebrate the happy occasion of your marriage and then have an awkward moment of silence for the deceased.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
it's something that is really important to me, as my grandmother was like my mom, and i would give ANYTHING for her to be there. however, having considered that it may feel strange for some, i figured a really short pause would be fine, just dont want it to be too short.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:37dd07ee-8e69-4ebc-a8a7-4af691fa2c12">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: need help with a pause for memorial? : it's something that is really important to me, as my grandmother was like my mom, and i would give ANYTHING for her to be there. however, having considered that it may feel strange for some, i figured a really short pause would be fine, just dont want it to be too short.
Posted by scissotron[/QUOTE]

For your guests, any pause could be too long.

Please take into account that you're not inviting them to a memorial service, and really conspicuous reminders of why the deceased "can't be with you" that day really make people uncomfortable. And as Retread will be quick to say, doing this without asking the consent and opinion of the spouses and immediate family members can not only take them aback but really hurt them because they are reminded of their grief. Is grief really the emotion you want to evoke on what should be a happy occasion? I strongly recommend that you rethink this.

If it's really important to remember the deceased on your wedding day, please choose a method that's not so in-your-face: carry or wear a memento of the deceased; decorate, serve food or drinks, or have entertainment they would have liked, and/or give them a tribute in a wedding program. But don't do pauses, empty seats, or other "memorial" gestures.

AddieCake · January 2013

My mom is deceased, so I get that you're missing your grandmother. We left a chair open for my mom at the ceremony, and I tied some nylon butterflies to it b/c she loved butterflies. Then we took some pics with one of the butterflies in my bouquet. That way, it was actually much more personal to ME, and nobody else was made to feel uncomfortable about my "memorial."

scissotron · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:eaa955b8-5f19-48b7-b416-5829c43c6ec0">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: need help with a pause for memorial? : For your guests, any pause could be too long. Please take into account that you're not inviting them to a memorial service, and really conspicuous reminders of why the deceased "can't be with you" that day really make people uncomfortable. And as Retread will be quick to say, doing this without asking the consent and opinion of the spouses and immediate family members can not only take them aback but really hurt them because they are reminded of their grief. Is grief really the emotion you want to evoke on what should be a happy occasion? I strongly recommend that you rethink this. If it's really important to remember the deceased on your wedding day, please choose a method that's not so in-your-face: carry or wear a memento of the deceased; decorate, serve food or drinks, or have entertainment they would have liked, and/or give them a tribute in a wedding program. But don't do pauses, empty seats, or other "memorial" gestures.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]
my family members and i both agree that it is important to include something for my grandma. i suppose if its really that big of a deal for the guests, i could remove the pause and just change the verse around to just include that we're thinking about them. i dont understand why it would be that big of a deal for them, but i can respect that it is possible.<div>im definitely not going to remove the memorial from the ceremony entirely, though!</div><div>
</div><div>is there anyone that has included a pause for memorial in their wedding and has experience with opinions/reprocussions from your guests after the ceremony?</div>

scissotron · January 2013

ok, without the pause, will having this in the ceremony script make certain people feel awkward? :

"On this happy day, surrounded by friends and family, we also honor those family members and friends who are no longer with us physically; but are carried in our hearts. Those we love we never lose, for they will always be treasured, loved, and forever in our memory.”

itll take like 5 seconds to read and comes before a reading about our how awesome our friends and family are, and after a reading about how awesome it is that we found eachother.

MrsGandthebeag · January 2013

That's much better. Our officiant said something like that at my wedding as my dad is also deceased. No pause. It's not a funeral.

SKPM · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:c714538b-2de3-4d10-a942-7317fc6848f4">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, without the pause, will having this in the ceremony script make certain people feel awkward? "On this happy day, surrounded by friends and family, we also honor those family members and friends who are no longer with us physically; but are carried in our hearts. Those we love we never lose, for they will always be treasured, loved, and forever in our memory." itll take like 5 seconds to read and comes before a reading about our how awesome our friends and family are, and after a reading about how awesome it is that we found eachother.
Posted by scissotron[/QUOTE]

This is much better, IMO.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:c714538b-2de3-4d10-a942-7317fc6848f4">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, without the pause, will having this in the ceremony script make certain people feel awkward? : "On this happy day, surrounded by friends and family, we also honor those family members and friends who are no longer with us physically; but are carried in our hearts. Those we love we never lose, for they will always be treasured, loved, and forever in our memory.” itll take like 5 seconds to read and comes before a reading about our how awesome our friends and family are, and after a reading about how awesome it is that we found eachother.
Posted by scissotron[/QUOTE]

This is better.

kmmssg · January 2013

Agree, much, much better.

MobKaz · January 2013

Such a reflection, or intention, is made during every Catholic mass. In my daughter's mass, she generalized it a bit more to include those who could not attend. Perhaps if you removed the word, "physically", and said something along the lines of, "On this special day, we remember our loved ones who are not present, but are here with us in spirit."

Jamiea291 · January 2013

In Response to need help with a pause for memorial?:

I've read a few of the replies to your query, but not all. Can I make a suggestion? I wanted to make a note of remembrance for those loved ones who won't be able to be with us on our special day. I haven't completely ruled out the idea of a 'moment of silence,' but I think we may only put a small section in the program with a quote or simple comment about how these loved ones can't be with us followed by a small list of names.

I do agree with the one comment of how some may be upset by the moment, but I've told the family members of those in the list of my idea and they've all been touched by our thoughtfulness. I think this may be the best idea for your ceremony.

HOWEVER, if you want to do something specifically for your grandmother, I may suggest lighting a candle for her and/or anyone else who is with you in your hearts. Remember, at the end of the day, this is YOUR & YOUR FIANCE'S special day. If you want a moment of pause, then do so. I don't think it's awkward, I think it's respectful & touching to honor those who you love.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:140d2752-ef98-4359-997d-ced295c84691">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to need help with a pause for memorial? : I've read a few of the replies to your query, but not all. Can I make a suggestion? I wanted to make a note of remembrance for those loved ones who won't be able to be with us on our special day. I haven't completely ruled out the idea of a 'moment of silence,' but I think we may only put a small section in the program with a quote or simple comment about how these loved ones can't be with us followed by a small list of names. I do agree with the one comment of how some may be upset by the moment, but I've told the family members of those in the list of my idea and they've all been touched by our thoughtfulness. I think this may be the best idea for your ceremony. HOWEVER, if you want to do something specifically for your grandmother, I may suggest lighting a candle for her and/or anyone else who is with you in your hearts. <strong>Remember, at the end of the day, this is YOUR & YOUR FIANCE'S special day. </strong>If you want a moment of pause, then do so. I don't think it's awkward, I think it's respectful & touching to honor those who you love.
Posted by Jamiea291[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree with you somewhat. When a couple invites others to attend and participate, it is not only "your and your fiance's special day." Their needs also need to be taken into account. One of those needs is that the occasion not become lugubrious with reminders of grief, so "memorial" acts need to be subtle and even inconspicuous. This is why we don't agree with the ideas of moments of silence, empty chairs and photos, and even ceremonial lighting of candles-guests are not being invited to a memorial service.

Gumby68 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:37dd07ee-8e69-4ebc-a8a7-4af691fa2c12">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: need help with a pause for memorial? : it's something that is really important to me, as my grandmother was like my mom, and i would give ANYTHING for her to be there. however, having considered that it may feel strange for some, i figured a really short pause would be fine, just dont want it to be too short.
Posted by scissotron[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this might be a midwest thing. I went back and checked who liked/disliked the idea, and it seems the only ones who thought it was ok were in the midwest as you are. I can't think of any weddings I've been to in the midwest that didn't have this included, but it wasn't done in the 2 weddings I've attended outside the midwest. </div><div>
</div><div>Me and my Fi are still trying to figure out how to honor our grandfathers who have passed, but this part of the ceremony is standard at our church and it never even occurred to us to remove it. We've been trying to figure out what else to do in addition to this, but we're leaving it mainly up to our grandmothers. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm beginning to wonder if I should forewarn our guests from other areas so it doesn't catch them off guard. </div>

scissotron · January 2013

i'm originally from the south, and there's no way i would take out honoring my grandma during my wedding! also, i kinda agree with pp about it being our day. i've been to many weddings and would consider myself or anyone else very snooty and rude if they had a big problem with me including something in my wedding, one of the most important days if my life, that was important to me. the food, the music, the drinks .. those are for the guests, the ceremony is for me and my fiance as well as my parents.

scissotron · January 2013

my comment about being from the south was just a reply to the midwest thing, not really having anything to do with the topic at hand, just a side note. my opinion is that it is rude for someone to tell me that i shouldn't do something that means a lot to me. no matter their reason. i'm not putting a picture or an empty chair, i'm simply including a couple sentences in my ceremony about remembering those who have passed on. it is also important to my fiance, so it's happening.

scissotron · January 2013

i come to these boards for outside opinions and constructive criticisms/ideas. i appreciate them, and have changed things around based on them. i am not here to argue with people i don't know and people who don't know me. my plan is to have the revised part read by my officiant, and leave out the pause. i will have a picture of my grandma in my getting ready room, and that will be all. there won't be any mention of names, but i feel it is very important to have a reading, reminding everyone that we wish certain people could be there with us to share our special day.

scissotron · January 2013

In Response to Re:need help with a pause for memorial?:In Response to Re: need help with a pause for memorial?:In Response to Re: need help with a pause for memorial? : it's something that is really important to me, as my grandmother was like my mom, and i would give ANYTHING for her to be there. nbsp;however, having considered that it may feel strange for some, i figured a really short pause would be fine, just dont want it to be too short.Posted by scissotronI think this might be a midwest thing. I went back and checked who liked/disliked the idea, and it seems the only ones who thought it was ok were in the midwest as you are. I can't think of any weddings I've been to in the midwest that didn't have this included, but it wasn't done in the 2 weddings I've attended outside the midwest.nbsp;Me and my Fi are still trying to figure out how to honor our grandfathers who have passed, but this part of the ceremony is standard at our church and it never even occurred to us to remove it. We've been trying to figure out what else to do in addition to this, but we're leaving it mainly up to our grandmothers.nbsp;I'm beginning to wonder if I should forewarn our guests from other areas so it doesn't catch them off guard.nbsp; Posted by: Gumby68] i'm excited to have a nice picture of my grandma in the room with me while i'm getting ready. maybe you could do that, too? i know she would've loved to be, at the very least, there with me. : Gumby68

scissotron · January 2013

i'm not sure why that didn't post correctly. frickin phone!! haha.

scissotron · January 2013

In Response to Re:need help with a pause for memorial?:[QUOTE]Scissotron, get over yourself. Nobody was rude to you.nbsp; These boards are about opinions and advice. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
i didn't say anyone was rude. my previous post was to try to clear the air of any possible irritation and thank you guys for your advice. geez.

scissotron · January 2013

i've just reread all the suggestions, and realized i don't want those of you that suggested to put it in the program to feel like i didn't consider your idea. that is a great idea, but we're not doing programs.

bridalmarch · January 2013

Maybe it's because I grew up Catholic and we're having a Catholic ceremony, but I'm very used to the pause, as it's included at every Mass. I've never counted it out, but I'd say between 5-10 seconds is fine. Enough time to remember the person and offer a quick thought or prayer before moving on with the ceremony.

scissotron · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_need-help-with-a-pause-for-memorial?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:693d1f61-a07e-4f4b-9f05-966b18e9d0e1Post:248e0c2d-64ac-4b7e-9a4f-f588f98bad08">Re: need help with a pause for memorial?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's because I grew up Catholic and we're having a Catholic ceremony, but I'm very used to the pause, as it's included at every Mass. I've never counted it out, but I'd say between 5-10 seconds is fine. Enough time to remember the person and offer a quick thought or prayer before moving on with the ceremony.
Posted by bridalmarch[/QUOTE]
yeah, thats probably why i never gave it a second thought before i posted on here. i was also raised catholic, and so was my fiance. we're not having a catholic ceremony, nor are we still practicing, but it just seemed like something normal to me. :)

Jen4948 · January 2013

Maybe use phrasing like "past and present" instead of "cannot be with us" ?

That's inclusive but not tear-jerking.

greymonkey42 · February 2013

Personally I think the pause is a nice idea. I went to a wedding of a dear friend of mine and since some of their loved ones weren't around any more they had a short pause and I didn't hear any rude remarks about it from any of the other guest. You should definitely make sure all of your relatives that might be affected by a pause are on board with it. Instead of a pause you could have a picture of her with a dozen roses (or whatever her favorite flower is) on an empty seat.

Jen4948 · May 2013

In Response to Re: need help with a pause for memorial?:
[QUOTE]Personally I think the pause is a nice idea. I went to a wedding of a dear friend of mine and since some of their loved ones weren't around any more they had a short pause and I didn't hear any rude remarks about it from any of the other guest. You should definitely make sure all of your relatives that might be affected by a pause are on board with it. Instead of a pause you could have a picture of her with a dozen roses (or whatever her favorite flower is) on an empty seat.
Posted by greymonkey42[/QUOTE]

Nope, too funereal. Evokes grief and loss. That's not what weddings are about. There are nice ways to memorialize deceased loved ones at weddings that don't do that, and that's what Knot members would recommend.

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