Inviting SO's

winterbride1989 · June 2013

I know that every SO should get an invite, however we have a bit of a sticky situation. The issue is FI's sister. We're still debating on wether or not to invite her, but in the case that we do I am not comfortable inviting her fiancé. This man is a convicted felon for crimes against children. There will also be one child in attendance at the wedding; FI's young daughter. As far as I know there are no restrictions on whether or not he can be around children, and there is no way that she would be left alone with him at any time. However I feel like our first responsibility is to protect her from people like this, and inviting him to our immediate family only wedding will send the message that he can be trusted. Do you think that in the case that we do decide to invite the sister, it would be alright to leave him off of the invitation?

itzMS · June 2013

winterbride1989 said:

I know that every SO should get an invite, however we have a bit of a sticky situation. The issue is FI's sister. We're still debating on wether or not to invite her, but in the case that we do I am not comfortable inviting her fiancé. This man is a convicted felon for crimes against children. There will also be one child in attendance at the wedding; FI's young daughter. As far as I know there are no restrictions on whether or not he can be around children, and there is no way that she would be left alone with him at any time. However I feel like our first responsibility is to protect her from people like this, and inviting him to our immediate family only wedding will send the message that he can be trusted. Do you think that in the case that we do decide to invite the sister, it would be alright to leave him off of the invitation?

This is ENTIRELY your FI's decision. It's his daughter and his sister.

Out of curiousity...is this man invited to other family functions?

aurianna · June 2013

I could be wrong, but I think convicted felons of violent crimes might be an exception to the SO rule.

This is not etiquette talking. This is all me. But if he was actually convicted of hurting or touching children, I know I wouldn't be inviting him to my wedding.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Yup, I'm with @aurianna. If I could keep someone convicted of crimes against children away from my child/future step-child, you bet I would... etiquette be damned.

winterbride1989 · June 2013

itzMS said:

winterbride1989 said:

I know that every SO should get an invite, however we have a bit of a sticky situation. The issue is FI's sister. We're still debating on wether or not to invite her, but in the case that we do I am not comfortable inviting her fiancé. This man is a convicted felon for crimes against children. There will also be one child in attendance at the wedding; FI's young daughter. As far as I know there are no restrictions on whether or not he can be around children, and there is no way that she would be left alone with him at any time. However I feel like our first responsibility is to protect her from people like this, and inviting him to our immediate family only wedding will send the message that he can be trusted. Do you think that in the case that we do decide to invite the sister, it would be alright to leave him off of the invitation?

This is ENTIRELY your FI's decision. It's his daughter and his sister.

Out of curiousity...is this man invited to other family functions?

This is the thing, the sister has been estranged from the family for a couple of years now, however she has recently started reconciling with her siblings through her mother (giving her mother birthday presents for the children from her kind of thing). Her fiancé has also been invited to his parents home in the past.

His family has a history of ignoring sexual abuse, and my future stepdaughter has also been abused in the past by her mother's boyfriend (FI did NOT ignore this). He tends to value my opinion when deciding certain matters, and when he asks for my opinion I would like to know what to tell him,

banana468 · June 2013

I hate to split hairs but what are we talking about here?

winterbride1989 · June 2013

banana468 said:

I hate to split hairs but what are we talking about here?

He lost all rights/access to his daughters and went to jail for sexually abusing them.

lyndausvi · June 2013

Personally, because his conviction(s) are a matter of public record so I would do a background check just to be sure what exactly was convicted on.

I also wonder if he his invited to other family functions that you have attended?

There are exceptions to every rule and it's not like the police are going to arrest you for not inviting him.

*** Note I've pretty sensitive when it comes people assuming what a conviction might be. We have a good friend who is a convicted felon on a crime against children and on a sexual registry. I would absolutely allow him near child. Now on the surface one would wonder why I would even say such a thing. Fact is he was charged with statutory rape. The girl admitted to have a fake id that she had been using for YEARS. She was a regular at a bar he worked at long before he started working there. They started a relationship, parents found out and called the police. Rest is history. (note in the USVI drinking age is 18, so a sixteen year old can pass for 18 pretty easily).

No doubt there are scumbags out there and it's always a good idea to keep your radar up. But being on a registry doesn't tell the whole story. Because of my friend I make a point of looking into the actually situation and not rely on certain labels if that makes sense.

winterbride1989 · June 2013

lyndausvi said:

Personally, because his conviction(s) are a matter of public record so I would do a background check just to be sure what exactly was convicted on.

I also wonder if he his invited to other family functions that you have attended?

There are exceptions to every rule and it's not like the police are going to arrest you for not inviting him.

*** Note I've pretty sensitive when it comes people assuming what a conviction might be. We have a good friend who is a convicted felon on a crime against children and on a sexual registry. I would absolutely allow him near child. Now on the surface one would wonder why I would even say such a thing. Fact is he was charged with statutory rape. The girl admitted to have a fake id that she had been using for YEARS. She was a regular at a bar he worked at long before he started working there. They started a relationship, parents found out and called the police. Rest is history. (note in the USVI drinking age is 18, so a sixteen year old can pass for 18 pretty easily).

No doubt there are scumbags out there and it's always a good idea to keep your radar up. But being on a registry doesn't tell the whole story. Because of my friend I make a point of looking into the actually situation and not rely on certain labels if that makes sense.

We know what he was convicted of because the social workers involved told us when they took away FI's sister's child when she moved him into her home.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

If he's been to jail for sexually abusing children, you can bet damn skippy that he's on a registry and if he's not, he's probably violating his release.

Reconciliation attempts aside, mo fo would not be invited to my wedding.

And putting my big ol judgy pants on - but I question any woman who would willingly date, let alone get engaged to, a known child abuser.

lyndausvi · June 2013

winterbride1989 said:

lyndausvi said:

Personally, because his conviction(s) are a matter of public record so I would do a background check just to be sure what exactly was convicted on.

I also wonder if he his invited to other family functions that you have attended?

There are exceptions to every rule and it's not like the police are going to arrest you for not inviting him.

*** Note I've pretty sensitive when it comes people assuming what a conviction might be. We have a good friend who is a convicted felon on a crime against children and on a sexual registry. I would absolutely allow him near child. Now on the surface one would wonder why I would even say such a thing. Fact is he was charged with statutory rape. The girl admitted to have a fake id that she had been using for YEARS. She was a regular at a bar he worked at long before he started working there. They started a relationship, parents found out and called the police. Rest is history. (note in the USVI drinking age is 18, so a sixteen year old can pass for 18 pretty easily).

No doubt there are scumbags out there and it's always a good idea to keep your radar up. But being on a registry doesn't tell the whole story. Because of my friend I make a point of looking into the actually situation and not rely on certain labels if that makes sense.

We know what he was convicted of because the social workers involved told us when they took away FI's sister's child when she moved him into her home.

I didn't want to imply you didn't know of the conviction. My point was more think aren't always as they seem. I'm saying I like to know the details of the conviction.

Since your FSIL's child is not allowed to live there then it's save to say he can't be around any children or they would have not been able to remove the child. So it's save to say not inviting him is the right choice.

winterbride1989 · June 2013

kjhowd said:

If he's been to jail for sexually abusing children, you can bet damn skippy that he's on a registry and if he's not, he's probably violating his release.

Reconciliation attempts aside, mo fo would not be invited to my wedding.

And putting my big ol judgy pants on - but I question any woman who would willingly date, let alone get engaged to, a known child abuser.

Don't worry I'm pretty sure everyone in the family is judging her decision as well! I'm 99% sure that he won't be invited, what I'm really wondering about is if it's alright to invite the sister alone or if we should just leave them both off!

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

lyndausvi said:

Personally, because his conviction(s) are a matter of public record so I would do a background check just to be sure what exactly was convicted on.

I also wonder if he his invited to other family functions that you have attended?

There are exceptions to every rule and it's not like the police are going to arrest you for not inviting him.

*** Note I've pretty sensitive when it comes people assuming what a conviction might be. We have a good friend who is a convicted felon on a crime against children and on a sexual registry. I would absolutely allow him near child. Now on the surface one would wonder why I would even say such a thing. Fact is he was charged with statutory rape. The girl admitted to have a fake id that she had been using for YEARS. She was a regular at a bar he worked at long before he started working there. They started a relationship, parents found out and called the police. Rest is history. (note in the USVI drinking age is 18, so a sixteen year old can pass for 18 pretty easily).

No doubt there are scumbags out there and it's always a good idea to keep your radar up. But being on a registry doesn't tell the whole story. Because of my friend I make a point of looking into the actually situation and not rely on certain labels if that makes sense.

I think this sucks. I get that there are statutory rape laws for a reason, but it's always the older person that always seems to get the short end of the stick. That the underage person never gets held accountable for any lies or their actions is bogus to me.

I also hate that anyone that gets caught peeing in public gets labeled a sex offender. Way to ruin some poor 18 yo kids life that had to take a leak. Sure, peeing in public is gross, but if it's clearly just a case of peeing in public, who gives a shit.

Kate61487 · June 2013

winterbride1989 said:

kjhowd said:

If he's been to jail for sexually abusing children, you can bet damn skippy that he's on a registry and if he's not, he's probably violating his release.

Reconciliation attempts aside, mo fo would not be invited to my wedding.

And putting my big ol judgy pants on - but I question any woman who would willingly date, let alone get engaged to, a known child abuser.

Don't worry I'm pretty sure everyone in the family is judging her decision as well! I'm 99% sure that he won't be invited, what I'm really wondering about is if it's alright to invite the sister alone or if we should just leave them both off!

That's where it has to be FI's choice. I agree that he should not be invited. If there's a chance he'll show up anyway if the sister is invited I'd sway FI to leave her off too. If she'll come alone then it's just up to FI whether he wants her there or not.

winterbride1989 · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

winterbride1989 said:

kjhowd said:

If he's been to jail for sexually abusing children, you can bet damn skippy that he's on a registry and if he's not, he's probably violating his release.

Reconciliation attempts aside, mo fo would not be invited to my wedding.

And putting my big ol judgy pants on - but I question any woman who would willingly date, let alone get engaged to, a known child abuser.

Don't worry I'm pretty sure everyone in the family is judging her decision as well! I'm 99% sure that he won't be invited, what I'm really wondering about is if it's alright to invite the sister alone or if we should just leave them both off!

That's where it has to be FI's choice. I agree that he should not be invited. If there's a chance he'll show up anyway if the sister is invited I'd sway FI to leave her off too. If she'll come alone then it's just up to FI whether he wants her there or not.

I absolutely agree it should be FI's final decision I just know he won't make it without a lengthy back and forth with me! The thing that makes me nervous is that she is very unpredictable and I really don't know if she would bring him or not. If I say "this is how I feel but the decision is yours" 9 times out of 10 he'll side with me, and I'm really trying to figure out what would be best us and for FSD.

lyndausvi · June 2013

kjhowd said:

lyndausvi said:

Personally, because his conviction(s) are a matter of public record so I would do a background check just to be sure what exactly was convicted on.

I also wonder if he his invited to other family functions that you have attended?

There are exceptions to every rule and it's not like the police are going to arrest you for not inviting him.

*** Note I've pretty sensitive when it comes people assuming what a conviction might be. We have a good friend who is a convicted felon on a crime against children and on a sexual registry. I would absolutely allow him near child. Now on the surface one would wonder why I would even say such a thing. Fact is he was charged with statutory rape. The girl admitted to have a fake id that she had been using for YEARS. She was a regular at a bar he worked at long before he started working there. They started a relationship, parents found out and called the police. Rest is history. (note in the USVI drinking age is 18, so a sixteen year old can pass for 18 pretty easily).

No doubt there are scumbags out there and it's always a good idea to keep your radar up. But being on a registry doesn't tell the whole story. Because of my friend I make a point of looking into the actually situation and not rely on certain labels if that makes sense.

I think this sucks. I get that there are statutory rape laws for a reason, but it's always the older person that always seems to get the short end of the stick. That the underage person never gets held accountable for any lies or their actions is bogus to me.

I also hate that anyone that gets caught peeing in public gets labeled a sex offender. Way to ruin some poor 18 yo kids life that had to take a leak. Sure, peeing in public is gross, but if it's clearly just a case of peeing in public, who gives a shit.

Yep. That is why I'm really careful when it comes to the sexually registry. I always look up the what the actual conviction is to make sure what the deal is.

I would assume the OP's FFSIL's BF would be on one. She should be able to find out the conditions of his release. Although if FSIL's kid can't live in the house I think it's clear he can't be around kids.

One has to wonder why a woman would pick someone like him over her own kid?

winterbride1989 · June 2013

lyndausvi said:

kjhowd said:

lyndausvi said:

Personally, because his conviction(s) are a matter of public record so I would do a background check just to be sure what exactly was convicted on.

I also wonder if he his invited to other family functions that you have attended?

There are exceptions to every rule and it's not like the police are going to arrest you for not inviting him.

*** Note I've pretty sensitive when it comes people assuming what a conviction might be. We have a good friend who is a convicted felon on a crime against children and on a sexual registry. I would absolutely allow him near child. Now on the surface one would wonder why I would even say such a thing. Fact is he was charged with statutory rape. The girl admitted to have a fake id that she had been using for YEARS. She was a regular at a bar he worked at long before he started working there. They started a relationship, parents found out and called the police. Rest is history. (note in the USVI drinking age is 18, so a sixteen year old can pass for 18 pretty easily).

No doubt there are scumbags out there and it's always a good idea to keep your radar up. But being on a registry doesn't tell the whole story. Because of my friend I make a point of looking into the actually situation and not rely on certain labels if that makes sense.

I think this sucks. I get that there are statutory rape laws for a reason, but it's always the older person that always seems to get the short end of the stick. That the underage person never gets held accountable for any lies or their actions is bogus to me.

I also hate that anyone that gets caught peeing in public gets labeled a sex offender. Way to ruin some poor 18 yo kids life that had to take a leak. Sure, peeing in public is gross, but if it's clearly just a case of peeing in public, who gives a shit.

Yep. That is why I'm really careful when it comes to the sexually registry. I always look up the what the actual conviction is to make sure what the deal is.

I would assume the OP's FFSIL's BF would be on one. She should be able to find out the conditions of his release. Although if FSIL's kid can't live in the house I think it's clear he can't be around kids.

One has to wonder why a woman would pick someone like him over her own kid?

Thanks! I had a feeling that he's not allowed around kids, but I wasn't sure if he was only not allowed to reside with them. I have no idea why she would choose him over her daughter, other than I feel she just must be deeply disturbed.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

@lyndausvi - I totally understand how it can make you be more cautious.

I think sometimes there are age limits (like under 16 or under 14), but I'm pretty sure that anyone convicted of sexual abuse of a child, especially their own daughter(s) as OP stated, is going to be on a registry and have no contact orders.

Especially if FSIL daughter was also removed from the home because of that.

Jen4948 · June 2013

This is one time where I would not invite the SO. I certainly understand @lyndausvi's concern about not blocking someone who was wrongfully charged with sexual abuse from participating, but at the same time, this child apparently isn't allowed to be alone with him, so I'd play it safe and not invite him.

lyndausvi · June 2013

Check the sexually registry where ever they live. it should give you information on what his conditions are. It might be he can't live in the same house and/or live within "x" feet/miles from schools and day cares. I don't think they can actually say they can't be allowed around any kids every. If that was the case they would not be able to shop or go to the doctors because there might be a kid around.

The fact FSIL's child can't live there is good enough reason not to invite him to a private event.

lyndausvi · June 2013

kjhowd said:

@lyndausvi - I totally understand how it can make you be more cautious.

I think sometimes there are age limits (like under 16 or under 14), but I'm pretty sure that anyone convicted of sexual abuse of a child, especially their own daughter(s) as OP stated, is going to be on a registry and have no contact orders.

Especially if FSIL daughter was also removed from the home because of that.

For the record I was writing out my first post as the OP came back on what the conviction was. I would not have written that out had I know the nature of the convictions. It was just bad timing.

MrsMack10612 · June 2013

lyndausvi said:

kjhowd said:

@lyndausvi - I totally understand how it can make you be more cautious.

I think sometimes there are age limits (like under 16 or under 14), but I'm pretty sure that anyone convicted of sexual abuse of a child, especially their own daughter(s) as OP stated, is going to be on a registry and have no contact orders.

Especially if FSIL daughter was also removed from the home because of that.
For the record I was writing out my first post as the OP came back on what the conviction was. I would not have written that out had I know the nature of the convictions. It was just bad timing.

That's what I thought might I have happened, I didn't mean it to call you out for not having seen it, I wasn't sure if you had seen it.

phira · June 2013

The "invite SOs" rule is definitely just a matter of etiquette and is definitely not without exceptions! Don't feel bad about not inviting this horrible dude to your wedding.

As for your fiance's sister, I think it should be up to him, with the understanding that he will have to make it clear (if he invites her) that her fiance is not invited.

winterbride1989 · June 2013

Thanks for you responses everyone! We still have awhile before we have to send out any invitations, so we've decided to wait to make a final decision concerning his sister (her FI is not invited either way)! If we're really really lucky maybe she'll leave him! *fingers crossed*

KDM323 · June 2013

I wouldn't invite either of them. But I have zero tolerance for that sort of thing.

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

winterbride1989 said:

banana468 said:

I hate to split hairs but what are we talking about here?

He lost all rights/access to his daughters and went to jail for sexually abusing them.

Aw, hell no. Not at my wedding he wouldn't be.

kathrynrf · June 2013

You do not have to invite him. In fact, you don't have to invite any SO's..it is just the right thing to do. However, in this situation, you do not have to. You shouldn't have to have anyone at your wedding you are not comfortable with, especially if children are involved.

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