Married and do not like MIL UHHHH

lisa12982 · October 2010

I loved my MIL when I was dating my husband. When we got engaged, both me and my husband started to see things about her that was just down right obnoxious!! She didn't have any regard for our guest list, (she just kept adding and adding as if a wedding doesn't cost anything, but procrastinated on the rehersal dinner, like she didn't want to plan it.) She would make comments on how she couldn't wait to be a grandmother but since it took us forever (we dated 3 years, engaged for 9 months) to get married, she'd probably never be a grandmother (oh so inapporpriate and obnoxious). Just a few things that she would do. I started to see things about her that I DID NOT like and I just started to avoid his family.

Bad thing is, my parents, his parents, and us live in the same city. We live about 30 minutes away from his family.
I have been thinking of the holidays and I really don't want to spend it with them. I know I can't take my husband away, but was wondering how any of you have handled the inlaw situation like this. I know the holidays are inevitable b/c we'll have to spend time with both my family and his family equally.
On the weekends I literally try to plan them out so I don't have to go to his parents house. Sad, but I'll intentionally make plans. This weekend I lucked out as they are going out of town.
I hope it gets better and I'm sure it will since the marriage is so new, I'm still learning how to actually deal with her, but I'm worried that this woman is going to drive me nuts!!
How do you handle MIL's when you're married, especialy when you don't like her and have to live in the same city as her.
Advice is greatly appreciated!!

lalap69 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_married-not-like-mil-uhhhh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f3bcbd8-d772-4a3e-aa0a-4fb28db14e32Post:a888084e-2760-4a20-919f-863f1471513b">Married and do not like MIL UHHHH</a>:
[QUOTE]I loved my MIL when I was dating my husband. When we got engaged, both me and my husband started to see things about her that was just down right obnoxious!! I started to see things about her that I DID NOT like and I just started to avoid his family. My husband and I got married in Sept. and my MIL was SO RUDE during the entire wedding. My mother and bridesmaids witnessed how quiet and rude she was being. Usually she is the center of attention, is VERY talkative and loves to socialize. My mother did remind me that her son getting married might have been hard on her and may have been why she was acting the way she did. On the night of the rehersal dinner (something she planned at the urging of her son and I, originally she had NO IDEA and didn't really plan a rehersal dinner) she got so drunk that she told my family that my husbands real dad used to beat her and rape her (oh my gosh can you imagine???). My family was in shock, some of them so in disbelief that they got up from the table. I was not around to hear this, but my family didn't hesitate to tell me. She also told my husband about it, and my husband was so apologetic. I know he can't control his mother and her obnoxious mouth. She was also going around calling her second and current husband an ass and telling everyone that her other children are lost causes and my husband turned out to be such a great kid! On the day of the wedding, I had the bridesmaids, my mom, aunt, my husband's sister and mother all come over for hair and make up. She was so quiet. She didn't say ANYTHING to any of us. I didn't try to make conversation either, b/c afterall this was MY wedding day and I didn't feel the need to try to make everything better for her. UH When I put my wedding dress and veil on, she never commented to me on how beautiful I looked, that she loved my dress, nothing. My mother, sister and bridesmaids were like you are beautiful, you look gorgeous, I never heard that from her. I heard it from his sister as she said it right in front of her, but she never said anything to me. We took a lot of pictures before the ceremony and I noticed she wouldn't speak to my parents or have anything to do with them. Um, hello, they are throwing your son and I our wedding. The least you could do is act decent to them!! At the reception she hardly ate. She acted as if the food was not good (and I thought it was delicious and so did my husband). When I danced with my husband, she got up and started socializing with one of the tables by us instead of watching us and smiling like my parents were (and most other parents do or at least I thought this was what was done). Even my bridesmaid saw how disrespectful she was being. She didn't watch my father and I dance either, but the minute it was time to dance with my husband, she acted as if it was time for all eyes on her. Uhhhh She never thanked my parents for the wedding they threw us. I was so hurt and even paranoid that she wasn't happy about the wedding, with me, with the whole situation that I think I drove my husband crazy before we left for the honeymoon. At my urging, we saw his parents before we left for the honeymoon to be sure she was OK and when we saw her, she couldn't have acted more opposite than from the night before. She acted so happy to see us. I think she's very hippocritical and I have a funny feeling she's bad mouthed me to other family members. She doesn't come from the background I come from, so part of me feels that she thinks me and my family are snobby for the kind of wedding we had. I've been married for one month now and she'll call my husband to talk and it's very like you could call your mother you know, like guilt trip type of things. I really do not like his mother, and have realized that I would love to move or get as far away from them as possible. Bad thing is, my parents, his parents, and us live in the same city. We live about 30 minutes away from his family. I have been thinking of the holidays and I really don't want to spend it with them. I know I can't take my husband away, but was wondering how any of you have handled the inlaw situation like this. I know the holidays are inevitable b/c we'll have to spend time with both my family and his family equally. On the weekends I literally try to plan them out so I don't have to go to his parents house. Sad, but I'll intentionally make plans. This weekend I lucked out as they are going out of town. I hope it gets better, but I'm worried that this woman is going to drive me nuts!! How do you handle MIL's when your married, especialy when you don't like her and have to live in the same city as her. Advice is greatly appreciated!! :)
Posted by lisa12982[/QUOTE]
Wow, way to write a novel. I only made it halfway through before I gave up, but everything you were complainging about sounds really trite. Your MIL reveals that her ex was abusive and your response isn't compassion but to be MAD at her? You want your MIL to thank your parents for throwing you and your husband your wedding? (Hint: That's YOUR job.) She's not required to socialize the way you think she should, watch your dance, or tell you that you're beautiful. Sure, those things are nice, but they don't make her a bad person if she doesn't do them. I think your MIL isn't the biggest problem here.

trix1223 · October 2010

Can you possibly condense this? What I got before I gave up was that you don't like your MIL because she has no filter. (I also got that you told her she had to host the RD which was 100% wrong on your part.)

You don't like her. She says inappropriate things. So either: A) don't associate with her or

take her for what she is, knowing she'll say inappropriate things.

lisa12982 · October 2010

Sorry I did write a novel, I had to vent. It just makes me angry that she acted like my family and her weren't good enough after all the planning and money that went into it.
His mother just errks me! I probably do let her get to me a lot more than I should. I'm hoping with time I'll learn how to deal with her.

mysticl · October 2010

Maybe she was embarassed about what happened at the rehearsal dinner. Maybe she thought you and your family were looking down on her and it sounds like you were. As for when you went to see her before leaving on your honeymoon maybe she figured you had decided to ignore the situation (since you apparently ignored her) and she was just following your lead.

melissamc2 · October 2010

Reading what lalap69 quoted and what you've apparently changed your "original" post to be are two very different stories - however, you kind of sound douchey and 14 in both of them.

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_married-not-like-mil-uhhhh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f3bcbd8-d772-4a3e-aa0a-4fb28db14e32Post:d5afbc5c-8bc9-49a3-8244-2b64267dac57">Re: Married and do not like MIL UHHHH</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she was embarassed about what happened at the rehearsal dinner. Maybe she thought you and your family were looking down on her and it sounds like you were. As for when you went to see her before leaving on your honeymoon maybe she figured you had decided to ignore the situation (since you apparently ignored her) and she was just following your lead.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

This was my thought too.

I think you expected too much from your MIL after reading what you wrote OP.

1) It isn't her job to thank your parents for paying for the wedding, it's the responsibility of you and your husband.

2) She wasn't required to throw you a RD at all, and if she wasn't planning one I don't think you should have insisted that you do throw you one.

3) I'm also a little shocked that your reaction to her drunken revelation is to be annoyed with her. Is it awkward? Yes, very much so. But that's a serious thing for her to have said, and I would like to think that you do feel some sort of compassion towards her.

Honestly, I think you should try putting in a bit more effort into this relationship with her. She's your MIL now, and you're right, you can't avoid her during the holidays. She may not be the kind of person you imagined you'd have as a MIL, but she's the one you do have now. Stop looking for little things about her that bug you, and I suggest that you try to recognize the good things in her as well.

BeeBee22 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_married-not-like-mil-uhhhh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f3bcbd8-d772-4a3e-aa0a-4fb28db14e32Post:307f72c1-aae5-48f7-bcf0-1c33a3c3f16d">Re: Married and do not like MIL UHHHH</a>:
[QUOTE]Reading what lalap69 quoted and what you've apparently changed your "original" post to be are two very different stories - however, you kind of sound douchey and 14 in both of them.
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. You seem particularly put out that she wasn't 'ooh-ing" about how "beautiful" and "gorgeous" you were. Get the f*ck over yourself. </div><div>
</div><div>As PPs have noted, it's possible she got drunk at the RD for the reason your mother mentioned, which led to a meltdown. It's possible she was quiet and standoffish at the wedding because she was ashamed of her RD behavior. BTW, people don't need to gaze in awe at you and your H every time you have an individual dance. Again, get over yourself. It's possible (tho unlikely) that she's a huge PITA and just hid it the whole time you were dating. Weddings bring out a lot of unpredictable emotions, so, as inappropriate or annoying as he behavior may have been, it's past. </div><div>
</div><div>One of my sisters lives in the same town as our mother, and they only see each other about once a month ... not for any particular reason, just because they are all busy with their own lives. You AND YOUR H need to determine what sort of relationship you're going to have as a family with his mother.</div>

MairePoppy · October 2010

For good or bad, this is the mother of the man you love. It would not be right to cut your husband (and future children) off from his family unless they were being abusive toward you (plural). If you loved her when you were dating, she must have some good qualities.

I agree that your MIL probably was quiet and sullen at your wedding because she was embarrassed about her behaviour at the rehearsal dinner. Someone may have even suggested that she keep her mouth shut at the wedding to avoid ruining your day. And she probably didn't enjoy the food because she was hung over.

Obviously, your fmil has some kind of problem, probably with alcohol. I'm not suggesting that you should stick around when her mouth gets out of control. But since you are now a member of the family, it would be nice if you could try to offer her some kind of support.

suze423 · October 2010

Ditto everyone else. She was probably very embarrassed about the night before and maybe feeling ashamed. I imaging it was very uncomfortable to have to face the same people the next day. I really wish people would peruse the boards before going on about it being "MY day". A wedding is about much more than just the bride.

As for her shift in behavior at the end of the wedding, she was probably making a big effort to show that she was happy for you and your H despite the was she was feeling about herself.

Like it or not, you can't get rid of your MIL. Your life and your marriage will be much better if you can work on getting over it and getting along with her.

TheCranberry · October 2010

You need to stop focusing on the negatives. Your original post had a whole litany of things your MIL didn't do on your wedding day (tell you you were beautiful, socialize with your parents, watch you dance, eat her food, etc). Why focus on this negative stuff when so many great things were going on? Why were you even noticing what she was doing while you were dancing with your father and husband?

FI's step-mother can be a real biitch sometimes, and he knows it and tries to stand up for me if necessary. She's said a few mean things to me, but I try to let it roll off my back and realize that she's miserable about some things in her life, and she's decided that being mean makes her feel better. I don't let her bring me down. When we socialize with her, I treat her just as I treat everyone else in FI's family and don't take her complaints personally. The people who engage her end up prolonging the unpleasantness for themselves and everyone else so it's better to just kill her with kindness.

You need to find a way to interact with her since she is your MIL and will be your children's grandmother.

Cynthia1207 · October 2010

Well sorry to say but you are *stuck* with her. Honestly she doesn't seem like the horrible human being you're trying to draw a picture of. She didn't act the way YOU wanted her to act. That's not being fair. And I agree with PPs about her most probably being embarassed about the night before. I mean think about it, if you revealed one of your darkest secrets in front of a bunch of strangers and some family members wouldn't you be really humiliated the next day? You did like her before so don't let one little day ruin your whole relationship with her. A wedding is one day. A marriage is forever. You need to build a good relationship with her again for the sake of your DH and your future children

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

I can't remember who told me I was pretty and who didn't on my wedding day. I know I got compliments, but I don't remember when or from whom, it was all kind of a happy blur. The fact that you not only remember that she didn't say anything about how you looked, but that you're continuing to dwell on that after the wedding, is unspeakably shallow. (There's a topography joke here, but I couldn't quite get there.)

kimp67 · October 2010

Do what I do whenever we're going to see my FMIL,,,,take a deep breath, bite your tongue & hope for the best. Yes you have to spend some time with her during the holidays, but I don't get why you have to make plans for the weekends? Do you spend every weekend with your families?

IAmLymelady · October 2010

If she went through an abusive marriage, it's very possible that weddings in general are really, really depressing for her. Think about it...the man that she trusted most in the world hurt her, hugely. Weddings bring back your own wedding, and her first wedding was the day she gave herself to an abusive jerk.

Weddings are difficult things for me. I'm lucky because I got out of my marriage before things went too far, but I have a similar (but milder) reaction to weddings. I get quieter, introspective, and I guess I can see that it would come off as rude but really it's just bringing back how happy I was at my wedding and then how deeply my trust was betrayed.

A lot of MILs don't think about the guestlist, or the financial aspects. You have to be kind of firm with them and say, "We only have a budget for this many people. We simply can't afford more." They can either offer to chip in or not, but it's on you that you weren't firm about that. Obviously, this only really works if she's putting more on the list from her side than you have from your side. Otherwise your'e being unfair to her.

It sounds like she has some issues that need to be resolved, but she's not facing them. You need to have compassion for her; this is your husband's mother. I know it's really annoying. I know it will add stress to your life. But what she needs more than anything else is to know that she is loved and appreciated, or she'll only get worse. It will put stress on your marriage to avoid her, and it will put stress on your marriage to complain to your husband about her. Obviously, if it's a big issue or if he brings it up, that's one thing, but you're bringing up little things. The only big thing you brought up is more of a reason that she should be pitied. You don't have to spend every weekend with her, but seeing her a couple of times a month of your own volition would go a long way towards calming her behavior.

Why don't you talk to your husband about getting her some help? You two can approach her, or just him alone perhaps, and say, "Mom, I know you went through some hard times with your first marriage and you may be having some hard times with this marriage. We would be happy to help you find a good therapist, we're worried about you and we want nothing more than for you to be happy." Or if you don't want to do that, at least make it a point to tell her how much you appreciate her, what a good job she did raising your husband (you love him, and she had a big hand in how he turned out), and ask her for advice from time to time. I think you're going to have to spend some weekends with her, and I think you're going to have to be sensitive to her needs. The only solution to a MIL problem like this is to love her.

DaughterOfHelaman2709 · November 2010

Ditto PP's. I would suggest some sensitivity training for you, or some time spent volunteering with your local women's shelter. Accept that your MIL drank too much, said some things she shouldn't (and in all probability didn't want to say), and get over it. She did not ruin your day; you had plenty of other people calling you beautiful, etc., etc. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment, consider the horror she lived through, and then be grateful for your Prince Charming and try to love her more. She deserves it.

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