What is Plus-One Etiquette

libby2483 · June 2013

MoonlightSilver said:

BarbLovesDave said:

keochan said:

I really don't think its up to you to decide on someone's relationship. I'm planning my guest list and it's not that hard to check fb or send a text asking if someone is seeing anyone. It's not that hard, make an effort.

I realize you're just going to ignore me and continue to cite etiquette that seriously needs updating. The whole point is to avoid offending or insulting guests, and many people offended when their known partner is excluded from things like this.

Actually, I totally agree with you. The host of a wedding should know the wedding guests well enough to know if they have SOs or whatever. I agree that if they are unsure, then check Facebook or just call and ask. I'm with you 100% on this.

"Hi, Jane, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I'm putting my guest list together for my wedding. I am wondering if you are seeing anyone that you would like to bring to the wedding? You are? Hey, great! He sounds wonderful. What is his full name and address so I can send him an invite?"

The hosts of the wedding in the OP don't appear to be that bright. They sent the invite to an adult at her parents' house, as if she was still a dependent minor. Shame on them. They blew that. Now, it's the OP's job to decline the invite. If she is truly miffed, then a flat decline is in order. If she wants to keep the door open, then a line like "I prefer to attend social events with my SO" is appropriate. At that point, the host may or may not extend the invite to the SO.

If, however, these clueless hosts invited a married woman without her husband, then it's time for a reply like "Perhaps you have forgotten that I got married last year. I can't imagine you would invite me and not my husband. Oh, and by the way, let me make sure you have my correct address. I moved out of my parents' house years ago.".

It is absolutely NOT up to me to decide on someone's private relationship. What they do behind closed doors is their business, not mine. The only thing I need know is (1) married or (2) engaged or (3) none of the above.

(Same-sex couples, different answer as I said before. Hooray for the Supremes!)

I don't know if you're really confused, or if your post is just confusing to read. The first half seems to say "if you don't know if your guest has a SO, call them and ask." But then the second half says "Don't bother asking your guests if they have SOs, only invited married and engaged people."

Which are you trying to say? Because the first one is perfectly right- you don't judge who is or isn't in a relationship, you just call and ask. But the second half is awfully rude, to ignore people who are together.

Ditto. I'm completely confused about your position on the issue.

BarbLovesDave · June 2013

I will make myself clear.

At the bare minimum, it is proper etiquette to invite married and engaged couples together. Not inviting a married or engaged couple is an egregious breach of etiquette.

As I said before, I would also include same-sex couples who would be married if it were legally possible and elderly/handicapped people who need a helper.

If the host is on a limited budget and if the guest list is very tight, then the host may draw the line at married or engaged couples, without breaching etiquette. It is not proper etiquette to call the host and say "Can I bring my boyfriend? Can I bring a date? Can I bring my next door neighbor?".

The offended guest always has the option of declining, and may, if so inclined, state the reason in the note or phone call declining the invite.

If the host has the budget to extend the guest list, then that host may do so at their discretion. They can invite non-married, non-engaged couples as they see fit. The considerate host may contact non-married and non-engaged couples and ask if they want to bring someone and, if so, get that person's name and address.

This is, however, an option. It is not mandatory. The bottom line is that if you want to be treated by others as a married or engaged couple, then get married or engaged. Living together and pretending you have all the societal privileges of marriage or engagement is not realistic.

After all, getting back to same-sex couples, this is what all the hoo-haw about same-sex marriage has been about. Until recently, a same-sex couple had to live together in a pseudo-marriage-like arrangement and depend on their friends to overlook their actual legal status of two unrelated roommate single people. For many same-sex couples in loving, permanent relationships, this pseudo-marriage has not been enough, and I agree wholeheartedly. Homosexuals have worked hard for the privilege of state-sanctioned legal marriage, with all rights and responsibilities of heterosexual marriage, and have made huge strides towards that goal in the past few years. I have personally witnessed the vows of two same-sex couples and hope to attend more such weddings in the future. I live in California where same-sex marriage became, again, legal last week.

That piece of paper means something. The public intention of getting that piece of paper in the near future (engagement) also means something.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

I will make myself clear.

At the bare minimum, it is proper etiquette to invite married and engaged couples together. Not inviting a married or engaged couple is an egregious breach of etiquette.

As I said before, I would also include same-sex couples who would be married if it were legally possible and elderly/handicapped people who need a helper.

If the host is on a limited budget and if the guest list is very tight, then the host may draw the line at married or engaged couples, without breaching etiquette. It is not proper etiquette to call the host and say "Can I bring my boyfriend? Can I bring a date? Can I bring my next door neighbor?".

The offended guest always has the option of declining, and may, if so inclined, state the reason in the note or phone call declining the invite.

If the host has the budget to extend the guest list, then that host may do so at their discretion. They can invite non-married, non-engaged couples as they see fit. The considerate host may contact non-married and non-engaged couples and ask if they want to bring someone and, if so, get that person's name and address.

This is, however, an option. It is not mandatory. The bottom line is that if you want to be treated by others as a married or engaged couple, then get married or engaged. Living together and pretending you have all the societal privileges of marriage or engagement is not realistic.

After all, getting back to same-sex couples, this is what all the hoo-haw about same-sex marriage has been about. Until recently, a same-sex couple had to live together in a pseudo-marriage-like arrangement and depend on their friends to overlook their actual legal status of two unrelated roommate single people. For many same-sex couples in loving, permanent relationships, this pseudo-marriage has not been enough, and I agree wholeheartedly. Homosexuals have worked hard for the privilege of state-sanctioned legal marriage, with all rights and responsibilities of heterosexual marriage, and have made huge strides towards that goal in the past few years. I have personally witnessed the vows of two same-sex couples and hope to attend more such weddings in the future. I live in California where same-sex marriage became, again, legal last week.

That piece of paper means something. The public intention of getting that piece of paper in the near future (engagement) also means something.

The problem is, you are wrong. Etiquette requires you to invite married, engaged, and "established" relationships. It does not require anyone in any relationship, but etiquette doesn't excuse the host from inviting long term and living together couples. You can say it all you want, but that won't make it true.

The rule about engaged and married only evolved as society evolved. That rule applied in a time when everyone got married by 21, and you courted your intended spouse for less than a year before marriage. It is not the rule anymore.

NYCBruin · June 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

I will make myself clear.

At the bare minimum, it is proper etiquette to invite married and engaged couples together. Not inviting a married or engaged couple is an egregious breach of etiquette.

As I said before, I would also include same-sex couples who would be married if it were legally possible and elderly/handicapped people who need a helper.

If the host is on a limited budget and if the guest list is very tight, then the host may draw the line at married or engaged couples, without breaching etiquette. It is not proper etiquette to call the host and say "Can I bring my boyfriend? Can I bring a date? Can I bring my next door neighbor?".

The offended guest always has the option of declining, and may, if so inclined, state the reason in the note or phone call declining the invite.

If the host has the budget to extend the guest list, then that host may do so at their discretion. They can invite non-married, non-engaged couples as they see fit. The considerate host may contact non-married and non-engaged couples and ask if they want to bring someone and, if so, get that person's name and address.

This is, however, an option. It is not mandatory. The bottom line is that if you want to be treated by others as a married or engaged couple, then get married or engaged. Living together and pretending you have all the societal privileges of marriage or engagement is not realistic.

After all, getting back to same-sex couples, this is what all the hoo-haw about same-sex marriage has been about. Until recently, a same-sex couple had to live together in a pseudo-marriage-like arrangement and depend on their friends to overlook their actual legal status of two unrelated roommate single people. For many same-sex couples in loving, permanent relationships, this pseudo-marriage has not been enough, and I agree wholeheartedly. Homosexuals have worked hard for the privilege of state-sanctioned legal marriage, with all rights and responsibilities of heterosexual marriage, and have made huge strides towards that goal in the past few years. I have personally witnessed the vows of two same-sex couples and hope to attend more such weddings in the future. I live in California where same-sex marriage became, again, legal last week.

That piece of paper means something. The public intention of getting that piece of paper in the near future (engagement) also means something.

To the first bolded: I see what you're trying to do there, except that as other posters have pointed out a couple who presents themselves as a couple is very different than two random neighbors. But nice try.

To the second bolded: The implication that getting invited to weddings as a couple is the holy grail of marriage makes me sad. Marriage, regardless of the genders of the parties involved, is about so much more than that. Same-sex couples residing in states that don't recognize same-sex marriage or lived anywhere before DOMA was overturned were denied REAL benefits.

For the record, engaged couples also have no legal status together. Since their actual legal status (if they are living together) is also two unrelated single people living together as roommates, why do you include them in the category of people that need to be invited together? If the legal status is what matters, then according to your logic only married people should be invited together.

KDM323 · June 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

I will make myself clear.

At the bare minimum, it is proper etiquette to invite married and engaged couples together. Not inviting a married or engaged couple is an egregious breach of etiquette.

As I said before, I would also include same-sex couples who would be married if it were legally possible and elderly/handicapped people who need a helper.

If the host is on a limited budget and if the guest list is very tight, then the host may draw the line at married or engaged couples, without breaching etiquette. It is not proper etiquette to call the host and say "Can I bring my boyfriend? Can I bring a date? Can I bring my next door neighbor?".

The offended guest always has the option of declining, and may, if so inclined, state the reason in the note or phone call declining the invite.

If the host has the budget to extend the guest list, then that host may do so at their discretion. They can invite non-married, non-engaged couples as they see fit. The considerate host may contact non-married and non-engaged couples and ask if they want to bring someone and, if so, get that person's name and address.

This is, however, an option. It is not mandatory. The bottom line is that if you want to be treated by others as a married or engaged couple, then get married or engaged. Living together and pretending you have all the societal privileges of marriage or engagement is not realistic.

After all, getting back to same-sex couples, this is what all the hoo-haw about same-sex marriage has been about. Until recently, a same-sex couple had to live together in a pseudo-marriage-like arrangement and depend on their friends to overlook their actual legal status of two unrelated roommate single people. For many same-sex couples in loving, permanent relationships, this pseudo-marriage has not been enough, and I agree wholeheartedly. Homosexuals have worked hard for the privilege of state-sanctioned legal marriage, with all rights and responsibilities of heterosexual marriage, and have made huge strides towards that goal in the past few years. I have personally witnessed the vows of two same-sex couples and hope to attend more such weddings in the future. I live in California where same-sex marriage became, again, legal last week.

That piece of paper means something. The public intention of getting that piece of paper in the near future (engagement) also means something.

This is completely against modern etiquette. Everywhere I have read on the Internet to this point says married, engaged and living together is the bare minimum for mandatory invitation as a couple. Most say that any individuals that declare and consider themselves a couple should be invited together. The advice of ONLY married and/or engaged is antiquated.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

Debate aside, OP, I would call. TWICE I have had my name left off invites for FI and the couples were just assuming he'd know I was welcome. I know it's technically against etiquette to ask, but if they were excluding your SO thats the worse breach for sure.

aurianna · June 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

If the host has the budget to extend the guest list, then that host may do so at their discretion. They can invite non-married, non-engaged couples as they see fit. The considerate host may contact non-married and non-engaged couples and ask if they want to bring someone and, if so, get that person's name and address.

...

This is, however, an option. It is not mandatory. The bottom line is that if you want to be treated by others as a married or engaged couple, then get married or engaged. Living together and pretending you have all the societal privileges of marriage or engagement is not realistic.

That piece of paper means something. The public intention of getting that piece of paper in the near future (engagement) also means something.

To the first:
Budget isn't an excuse for splitting up couples. You either cut corners elsewhere or you invite less people. "I'm splitting up a bunch of couples because I'd rather spend my money on flowers than my guests' comfort" is just not a suitable excuse. I hate when people use budget as an excuse as if the hosts had no control on how the budget was being spent.

To the second:
Societal privileges? What are you even talking about? If you're talking about legal rights... then your argument would actually suggest one should skip engaged couples completely and only invite married couples and people in domestic partnerships (whether they be romantic or not) as they're the only couples with any legal ties to each other.
If you aren't talking legally and just socially, then this is also where your argument makes no sense. A person's significant other is their social unit. They live their lives together. They go places together. They often spend their time in their social circles together. A ring suddenly on a finger does not suddenly change a couple's everyday social dynamic with each other or with the other people in their circle.
When a couple gets married nothing changes for them in a social interaction way. They might move in together if they weren't already, they have a new legal contract, if they are religious they may have different standing in their houses of worship, and they have some new tax responsibilities.
But none of these things have anything to do with a couple's place at a social event. When you're talking how they interact with each other and other people in social events, I see no difference in a married couple and a dating couple. At social events they act the same and do the same things. Talk together. Eat together. Dance together. If you see a couple and don't know them, you can't even tell if they are married or not unless you're told. So I think it's very, very silly to incorporate a legal standard when you're talking about a social event.

The piece of paper is important. It means that the couple is involved in a legal and perhaps religious contract. But contracts mean diddly when you are talking about social events.

STARMOON44 · June 2013

I would just decline. Don't call her and say anything. She isn't confused about whether you have an SO, she just isn't inviting him, so I don't think forcing an awkward conversation is going to be much use.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

aurianna said:

BarbLovesDave said:

MoonlightSilver said:

Etiquette states that significant others be invited together. Rules about marrieds or engaged people only went away in the 1950s.

Again, how does a host of an event, such as a wedding, parse "significant others"?

Length of time together? Frequency of sexual intimacy?

I'm a software engineering so I'm good at parsing algorithms:

if (married) then
do invite_both
else if (engaged) then
do invite_both
else if (knowGuestHasSO) then
do invite_both
else
do ask_guest_if_has_SO

if (knowGuestHasSO) then
do invite_both

Aahahahaha! Omg this KILLS me! Oh programming, how clear you make the universe.

FinsFan218715 · June 2013

Thank you to all who responded and offered their personal experiences and suggestions. I called my cousin yesterday afternoon, and he hasn't phoned me back. I think I may call my aunt and ask for his wife-to-be's phone number. I understand that some of you think it goes against etiquette to call my cousin and wife-to-be and ask for a Plus One, and that I should merely decline. However, this is a FIRST cousin's wedding (my father's brother's son) and it is highly expected that I attend. If it were a second cousin or a neighbor, I could get away with a decline - no questions asked. But I'm sure that my cousin, aunt, and uncle will want an explanation, and that they will be hurt and/or offended. In any event, my girlfriend and I have decided (as of now) that we will attend the Church ceremony out of respect for the couple and my family. However, we will not attend the reception. Personally, I do not think it is appropriate or fair for me to attend the reception without my girlfriend, who I am living with and have been with for two years.

dbanana · June 2013

I really don't mean to hijack this post - but this brought up a question in my own planning. I'm hoping I could get an answer?

There are 2 people on my guest list (females) that FI and I were close with in college. They are invited to our wedding. I plan on sending them both invitations come August. However, they have both recently gotten engaged to long-time boyfriends. Of course, FIs are invited. However, neither of the girls live with their FI and instead reside with their parents (both just graduated college and are getting married next year). The invites are going to the parents' residence of both of these ladies, since that is where they live. I don't know the FIs well enough to send them their own invite (I don't even think I'm FB friends with them). How do I let them know their FIs are invited without putting their name on the invitation?

CarolinaHeart · June 2013

dbanana said:

I really don't mean to hijack this post - but this brought up a question in my own planning. I'm hoping I could get an answer?

There are 2 people on my guest list (females) that FI and I were close with in college. They are invited to our wedding. I plan on sending them both invitations come August. However, they have both recently gotten engaged to long-time boyfriends. Of course, FIs are invited. However, neither of the girls live with their FI and instead reside with their parents (both just graduated college and are getting married next year). The invites are going to the parents' residence of both of these ladies, since that is where they live. I don't know the FIs well enough to send them their own invite (I don't even think I'm FB friends with them). How do I let them know their FIs are invited without putting their name on the invitation?

Because both of these women are over 18 and engaged is it considered poor etiquette to just tack their names onto the bottoms of their parents invites. They each get their own individual invite, even if it's to the same house.

Since both women get their own invite it should be addressed to her and FI.

So.

One invite to Mr. & Mrs. Mom and Dad

One invite to Daughter and FI

monkeysip · June 2013

dbanana said:

I really don't mean to hijack this post - but this brought up a question in my own planning. I'm hoping I could get an answer?

There are 2 people on my guest list (females) that FI and I were close with in college. They are invited to our wedding. I plan on sending them both invitations come August. However, they have both recently gotten engaged to long-time boyfriends. Of course, FIs are invited. However, neither of the girls live with their FI and instead reside with their parents (both just graduated college and are getting married next year). The invites are going to the parents' residence of both of these ladies, since that is where they live. I don't know the FIs well enough to send them their own invite (I don't even think I'm FB friends with them). How do I let them know their FIs are invited without putting their name on the invitation?

The FIs names need to go on the invitation with your friends' names like this:

Miss Sally Smith

Mr. Joe Jones

Address

Try to call, facebook, email, ask around, whatever you have to do to find out their names.

If you ABSOLUTELY cannot find out their names, then you can just put Miss Sally Smith and Guest. Hopefully these women would then put their FI's names on the reply so that you know, and for escort card purposes.

dbanana · June 2013

CarolinaHeart said:

dbanana said:

I really don't mean to hijack this post - but this brought up a question in my own planning. I'm hoping I could get an answer?

There are 2 people on my guest list (females) that FI and I were close with in college. They are invited to our wedding. I plan on sending them both invitations come August. However, they have both recently gotten engaged to long-time boyfriends. Of course, FIs are invited. However, neither of the girls live with their FI and instead reside with their parents (both just graduated college and are getting married next year). The invites are going to the parents' residence of both of these ladies, since that is where they live. I don't know the FIs well enough to send them their own invite (I don't even think I'm FB friends with them). How do I let them know their FIs are invited without putting their name on the invitation?

Because both of these women are over 18 and engaged is it considered poor etiquette to just tack their names onto the bottoms of their parents invites. They each get their own individual invite, even if it's to the same house.

Since both women get their own invite it should be addressed to her and FI.

So.
One invite to Mr. & Mrs. Mom and Dad
One invite to Daughter and FI

Sorry for the misunderstanding - it's just the friends that are invited, not their parents.

Thanks @CarolinaHeart and @monkeysip, I will address their invites: "Miss Her Name and Mr. His Name, Her Parent's House, Their State...."

BarbLovesDave · June 2013

FinsFan218715 said:

But I'm sure that my cousin, aunt, and uncle will want an explanation, and that they will be hurt and/or offended.
In any event, my girlfriend and I have decided (as of now) that we will attend the Church ceremony out of respect for the couple and my family..

OK, there's more information. I've been under the assumption that you, the OP, were a woman living with a man. Now you refer to a girlfriend. Since most people on this board would be women, am I to assume you are a woman living with a woman?

If so, and if you live in one of the states that do not permit same-sex marriage, then you are in the exceptional situation I mentioned above. If I were the host, and if I knew two women who would be married, if legal, then I would absolutely invite you as a couple just as I would absolutely invite opposite-sex married or engaged couples.

If you are a man living with a woman, then what I said still applies. If you want the benefits of engagement or marriage, then get engaged or married.

As to your aunt and uncle being hurt/offended: You have been hurt/offended. If your family is close enough to really noticed if all the first cousins are not at a wedding, then your family is close enough for a clear-the-air discussion. They need to remove the hurt/offense you feel and you need to remove the hurt/offense they feel.

Best to address yourself to the actual host of the wedding, cutting out the "middle-men". Who is in charge of the guest list? Who is the final decision-maker? (I'm guessing it's the bride.) Get in touch with the bride, herself, and let her know what's going on. Be pleasant, be neutral and take an approach that you are sure that she was working off incorrect information (ie your relationship status) and if she had the correct information she would be horrified that your girlfriend was omitted.

"Hi, Freda, I'm Bob's first cousin, and I am really looking forward to the wedding. Bob is one of my fav cousins and I'm so happy he's getting married. I need to talk about my life partner being omitted from the invitation. I am in a same-sex relationship and we would be married or engaged, if only it were legal here in Timbuktu."

Then, just listen to what she has to say.

Good: "Oh my gosh, I did not know that. No one told me. Of course your girlfriend is invited. Please give me her name and address so I can get an invite out to her right away,."

Bad: "Same-sex marriage is sinful and I refuse to have such a couple pollute my wedding."

Either way, you have your answer and you can act on it.

BarbLovesDave · June 2013

dbanana said:

The invites are going to the parents' residence of both of these ladies, since that is where they live. I don't know the FIs well enough to send them their own invite (I don't even think I'm FB friends with them). How do I let them know their FIs are invited without putting their name on the invitation?

Call the women and ask:

"I'm making up my wedding guest list and heard that you are now engaged. (insert congrats and other fluff) I would like to invite you and your fiancé. Could you please give me his name and address so I can send him a proper invitation?"

You might also suggest the ladies alert their guys that an invitation is in the mail, so they don't just throw it away by accident. (I get a lot of time-share junk mail that is designed to look like social invitations.)

AddieCake · June 2013

@dbanana

Just do as Lia suggested and put both their names on the invitations and send it to the address the women live at. Don't send the men separate invitations at their homes.

libby2483 · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

@dbanana

Just do as Lia suggested and put both their names on the invitations and send it to the address the women live at. Don't send the men separate invitations at their homes.

Ditto.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

FinsFan218715 said:

But I'm sure that my cousin, aunt, and uncle will want an explanation, and that they will be hurt and/or offended.
In any event, my girlfriend and I have decided (as of now) that we will attend the Church ceremony out of respect for the couple and my family..

OK, there's more information. I've been under the assumption that you, the OP, were a woman living with a man. Now you refer to a girlfriend. Since most people on this board would be women, am I to assume you are a woman living with a woman?

If so, and if you live in one of the states that do not permit same-sex marriage, then you are in the exceptional situation I mentioned above. If I were the host, and if I knew two women who would be married, if legal, then I would absolutely invite you as a couple just as I would absolutely invite opposite-sex married or engaged couples.

If you are a man living with a woman, then what I said still applies. If you want the benefits of engagement or marriage, then get engaged or married.

As to your aunt and uncle being hurt/offended: You have been hurt/offended. If your family is close enough to really noticed if all the first cousins are not at a wedding, then your family is close enough for a clear-the-air discussion. They need to remove the hurt/offense you feel and you need to remove the hurt/offense they feel.

Best to address yourself to the actual host of the wedding, cutting out the "middle-men". Who is in charge of the guest list? Who is the final decision-maker? (I'm guessing it's the bride.) Get in touch with the bride, herself, and let her know what's going on. Be pleasant, be neutral and take an approach that you are sure that she was working off incorrect information (ie your relationship status) and if she had the correct information she would be horrified that your girlfriend was omitted.

"Hi, Freda, I'm Bob's first cousin, and I am really looking forward to the wedding. Bob is one of my fav cousins and I'm so happy he's getting married. I need to talk about my life partner being omitted from the invitation. I am in a same-sex relationship and we would be married or engaged, if only it were legal here in Timbuktu."

Then, just listen to what she has to say.

Good: "Oh my gosh, I did not know that. No one told me. Of course your girlfriend is invited. Please give me her name and address so I can get an invite out to her right away,."

Bad: "Same-sex marriage is sinful and I refuse to have such a couple pollute my wedding."

Either way, you have your answer and you can act on it.

I'm sorry that's dumb. So because they're a same sex couple they automatically want to be married? Same sex couples, in regards to invites, should be treated no differently than opposite sex couples. Not everyone who is in a relationship wants to get married, same sex or opposite. Imagine that! Does it suck that they can't marry in every state? Sure does. But that should have no bearing on a wedding invitation. Your etiquette makes no sense.

aurianna · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

FinsFan218715 said:

But I'm sure that my cousin, aunt, and uncle will want an explanation, and that they will be hurt and/or offended.
In any event, my girlfriend and I have decided (as of now) that we will attend the Church ceremony out of respect for the couple and my family..

If so, and if you live in one of the states that do not permit same-sex marriage, then you are in the exceptional situation I mentioned above. If I were the host, and if I knew two women who would be married, if legal, then I would absolutely invite you as a couple just as I would absolutely invite opposite-sex married or engaged couples.

If you are a man living with a woman, then what I said still applies. If you want the benefits of engagement or marriage, then get engaged or married.

This is why not just inviting everyone's SOs is dumb; because otherwise you need to do some crazy justification dance on a situation that should otherwise be very simple.

There are no "we're engaged!" benefits. Not legally, and there shouldn't be socially either. This is just something you've made up to try to make an invalid point.
At any given social event, your partner is who you are with at the time. It doesn't matter if in a year the couple will be still "just dating", engaged, broken up, married, or divorced. That isn't the host's concern.
When you make a guest list you don't say, "well, this couple has been dating for two years, but they are JUST dating so they might not be together a few months after our wedding and for some reason that's at all relevant to our event. Whereas this couple has been together six months, but they're engaged... and somehow that changes how they will celebrate with us, eat their dinner and dance at our wedding."
This makes no sense. And it is also not your place to judge who has the more serious, committed, or possibly lasting relationship.

If you're throwing a social event, invite social units.

People can say they are engaged until the cows come home. That doesn't mean they can't still break up. And even if they get married, I fail to see how that changes their position at a party.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

I'll try one more time.

The situation we are discussing usually arises when the host knows one part of the couple, but not the other. In this case, it's an aunt who knows a niece, but not the niece's life partner.

If the host knows both halves of the couple pretty much equally, it would indeed be insulting to invite one but not the other. This would apply to non-romantic couples as well. If two sisters live next door to me and I am friendly with both, it would be insulting to invite one sister but not the other. It would be insulting to invite one roommate but not the other if I am friends with both. They need not be a "couple". Three adult siblings living next door, all friends with the host, should all be invited if one is invited.

In the vast majority of SO cases, therefore, it's likely the host knows both people and would be happy to invite both.

Next: Same sex couples. Until very recently (ie last week), same-sex marriages were not recognized at all by the federal government and were only recognized by a handful of state governments. Thus, many same-sex couples living in most states just saw no point in traveling out of state for a wedding, then returning home where their married status would make no legal sense. That all changed last week. The DOMA was overturned and same-sex couples all over the US now have appropriate federal benefits, such as tax benefits, immigration, etc.

Even in places like Utah or Kansas, a same-sex couple stands to benefit from an out-of-state marriage. There is, now, a "point".

For years, I as a host have advocated treating same-sex couples who live together as if married and who would be married if only it were legal as "married" when drawing a guest list. This distinction is fading, now that gay and lesbian couples have greater civil rights. The day is coming, soon, when as a host, I can just say "married or engaged: mandatory invite" without drawing an exception for unmarried but would-be-married-if-legal same-sex couples.

Since I live in California, and most of my same-sex couple friends are Californians, the recent Prop 8 decision has a direct impact on the lives of many of my friends. I am thrilled for them and look forward to many of them getting married. Others may choose to continue living together unmarried, and that is certainly their choice. Opposite-sex couples have the exact same choice. Marriage or SO.

OK.... enough about that.

Let's return to the original situation. The host knows the groom's cousin, but does not know the groom's cousin's SO. Is that host obliged to invite the SO?

I say no. If they were married or engaged, then I'd say yes, there is that obligation.

If I am a host with unlimited funds, then yes, I'd say "the more the merrier". I would certainly invite all known-to-me social units, including married couples, engaged couples, dating couples, living-together couples, casually dating couples, whatever. I would also phone any known-to-me single people and ask if they are seeing someone they want to bring to the event.

Sure, with unlimited funds I would be happy to do that and have a grand and glorious party with a variety of fun people from all walks of life. I'd love to meet a bunch of new people who might end up being good friends later. Fabulous.

If I do not have unlimited funds (reality bites), then I have to make choices. I am not independently wealthy, and make choices all the time in all aspects of life with my pocketbook in mind. Do I buy the store brand or national name brand?

When drawing up a guest list for an event, such as a wedding, I know I have X number of seats. Invite more than X, then I'm over budget. Invite exactly X, then I'm fine.

So, I make a list that includes plus-ones, and count. X or under, great. More than X, now I have to cut.

Who do I cut?

I might make the decision, as a host, that I would rather cut the people with whom I am not acquainted. I'd rather invite my next door neighbors who I've known for 20 years and who water my plants every time I go away than invite people I have never met and may never meet again.

I am absolutely obliged to invite married couples and engaged couples.

Inviting SOs is optional. If I do not personally know the plus-one, then I am especially under no obligation to invite that person.

It is entirely true that engagements and, indeed, marriages can be broken. Ask Kim Kardashian about that one. As a host, I can only go by what people tell me at the time I'm making my guest list and mailing invites.

If I drew up my guest list shortly (VERY shortly) after Kim's wedding, I would have invited Kim and Kris, wife and husband. 72 days later, they are in Splitsville. Do I drop Kris from my list? No, once invited I cannot un-invite a guest. Kris is still invited. Am I now obliged to invite Kanye, since Kim and Kanye are now "presenting themselves as a couple"? No, they are not a couple since Kim is still married to Kris and until the divorce is final, they cannot announce an engagement and certainly not a marriage. As a host, I may not want the drama of STBX and New SO encountering each other at the wedding.

OTOH, if I like drama I might invite Kanye, under the pretext that I am friends with Kanye and am inviting him irrespective of who might or might not be pregnant with his baby.

AddieCake · July 2013

Do you guys think I'm pretty?

NYCBruin · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

I'll try one more time.

The situation we are discussing usually arises when the host knows one part of the couple, but not the other. In this case, it's an aunt who knows a niece, but not the niece's life partner.

If the host knows both halves of the couple pretty much equally, it would indeed be insulting to invite one but not the other. This would apply to non-romantic couples as well. If two sisters live next door to me and I am friendly with both, it would be insulting to invite one sister but not the other. It would be insulting to invite one roommate but not the other if I am friends with both. They need not be a "couple". Three adult siblings living next door, all friends with the host, should all be invited if one is invited.

In the vast majority of SO cases, therefore, it's likely the host knows both people and would be happy to invite both.

Next: Same sex couples. Until very recently (ie last week), same-sex marriages were not recognized at all by the federal government and were only recognized by a handful of state governments. Thus, many same-sex couples living in most states just saw no point in traveling out of state for a wedding, then returning home where their married status would make no legal sense. That all changed last week. The DOMA was overturned and same-sex couples all over the US now have appropriate federal benefits, such as tax benefits, immigration, etc.

Even in places like Utah or Kansas, a same-sex couple stands to benefit from an out-of-state marriage. There is, now, a "point".

For years, I as a host have advocated treating same-sex couples who live together as if married and who would be married if only it were legal as "married" when drawing a guest list. This distinction is fading, now that gay and lesbian couples have greater civil rights. The day is coming, soon, when as a host, I can just say "married or engaged: mandatory invite" without drawing an exception for unmarried but would-be-married-if-legal same-sex couples.

Since I live in California, and most of my same-sex couple friends are Californians, the recent Prop 8 decision has a direct impact on the lives of many of my friends. I am thrilled for them and look forward to many of them getting married. Others may choose to continue living together unmarried, and that is certainly their choice. Opposite-sex couples have the exact same choice. Marriage or SO.

OK.... enough about that.

Let's return to the original situation. The host knows the groom's cousin, but does not know the groom's cousin's SO. Is that host obliged to invite the SO?

I say no. If they were married or engaged, then I'd say yes, there is that obligation.

If I am a host with unlimited funds, then yes, I'd say "the more the merrier". I would certainly invite all known-to-me social units, including married couples, engaged couples, dating couples, living-together couples, casually dating couples, whatever. I would also phone any known-to-me single people and ask if they are seeing someone they want to bring to the event.

Sure, with unlimited funds I would be happy to do that and have a grand and glorious party with a variety of fun people from all walks of life. I'd love to meet a bunch of new people who might end up being good friends later. Fabulous.

If I do not have unlimited funds (reality bites), then I have to make choices. I am not independently wealthy, and make choices all the time in all aspects of life with my pocketbook in mind. Do I buy the store brand or national name brand?

When drawing up a guest list for an event, such as a wedding, I know I have X number of seats. Invite more than X, then I'm over budget. Invite exactly X, then I'm fine.

So, I make a list that includes plus-ones, and count. X or under, great. More than X, now I have to cut.

Who do I cut?

I might make the decision, as a host, that I would rather cut the people with whom I am not acquainted. I'd rather invite my next door neighbors who I've known for 20 years and who water my plants every time I go away than invite people I have never met and may never meet again.

I am absolutely obliged to invite married couples and engaged couples.

Inviting SOs is optional. If I do not personally know the plus-one, then I am especially under no obligation to invite that person.

It is entirely true that engagements and, indeed, marriages can be broken. Ask Kim Kardashian about that one. As a host, I can only go by what people tell me at the time I'm making my guest list and mailing invites.

If I drew up my guest list shortly (VERY shortly) after Kim's wedding, I would have invited Kim and Kris, wife and husband. 72 days later, they are in Splitsville. Do I drop Kris from my list? No, once invited I cannot un-invite a guest. Kris is still invited. Am I now obliged to invite Kanye, since Kim and Kanye are now "presenting themselves as a couple"? No, they are not a couple since Kim is still married to Kris and until the divorce is final, they cannot announce an engagement and certainly not a marriage. As a host, I may not want the drama of STBX and New SO encountering each other at the wedding.

OTOH, if I like drama I might invite Kanye, under the pretext that I am friends with Kanye and am inviting him irrespective of who might or might not be pregnant with his baby.

What are your thoughts on step-mothers?

NYCMercedes · July 2013

At first I thought this was definitely not NYU as she writes much better than NYU. That said, she is as obtuse as NYU.

NYCBruin · July 2013

NYCMercedes said:

At first I thought this was definitely not NYU as she writes much better than NYU. That said, she is as obtuse as NYU.

Maybe NYU took a writing course this semester?

radleyboo · July 2013

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Long time lurker, first time poster.

You asked about the ETIQUETTE of inviting plus-ones.

The actual etiquette is that married and engaged couples must be invited together.

Living-together, dating, seriously dating, casually dating, met-last-week couples may be invited as a courtesy. It is not required by etiquette for a non-married, non-engaged couple to be invited together.

The problem is that you are asking the host to parse your living-together situation. How many years of living together is required? How would the host of a cousin's wedding know, for sure, if you have met the minimum time required? Are you sleeping in the same room? The same bed? Different rooms? Are you friends with benefits? Roommates splitting the rent? How is the host of a cousin's wedding supposed to inquire about your bedroom arrangements and decide if you meet the minimum requirements of sexual intimacy to be invited together?

The host of a social event need not be a mind reader to know if you intend, some day, to marry or even become engaged. If this is the "man you plan to spend the rest of your life with", then announce an engagement and make your intentions public. Until then, it's private and no one else's business.

An exception is where same-sex couples do not have the legal option of legal marriage, and must go in perpetuity as living-together. Such couples need to make it clear to their social circle that they would be married, if possible, and that they should be considered as a married couple. Thankfully, we are approaching the day when same-sex couples will have full human rights and this rule exception will no longer exist.

Another exception is when an elderly or handicapped person cannot go out alone without a helper of some sort. It would be rude to invite an elderly or handicapped person to attend a social event and exclude a necessary helper.

The host of the wedding was in error to send an invitation to the parents of an adult guest. The adult, having moved out of her parents' house and living her adult life should get her own invitation. It is up to the host to nail down addresses of everyone they want to invite and send appropriate invitations, not some group invite to the parents of a bunch of adult children all living on their own.

If the OP does not want to attend the wedding without her boyfriend, she need only politely decline the invitation. She may mention or not mention the boyfriend in the decline as she sees fit.

No, the problem is that her cousin didn't even bother to pick up the damn phone/get her ass on FB and ask the OP directly. "Hey Cos, are you seeing anybody? I want to be sure to send both you and your SO an invitation to the wedding."

That's the only minimum requirement of an SO to be invited to a wedding. . . intent to marry and sexual habits are irrelevant, not any one's concern, and have no bearing on the legitimacy of a person's relationship.

Op, count me in the DECLINE camp.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

I don't care if someone has been dating for 6 years, 6 months, 6 weeks, 6 days, or 6 minutes, if they consider themselves a couple, so do I, and I would treat them like one. It's not up to anybody to determine what length of time or what label makes them a couple.

Anyone can say they are engaged. I could meet someone tomorrow and say I'm engaged the next day. Who would be able to dispute it? Does that mean I can bring him to a social event that was for "engaged and marrieds only" b/c I'm wearing the correct label but my friend who has been dating her boyfriend for 3 months can't? Ludicrous.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/13541/ludacris-o.gif

AddieCake · July 2013

Thank you, Lia!

And PGL, that is awesome.

Kate61487 · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

Do you guys think I'm pretty?

The prettiest :-)

What is Plus-One Etiquette

Re: What is Plus-One Etiquette

Choose Another Board

Search Boards