FMIL Is Taking Over

mmcgee2 · July 2013

So my FMIL told my fiance that she intends to add 150 people to our guest list, which will put us well over the limit. Furthermore about 60 of these people are people that even my fiance does not know. When he said he didn't like this, she said we are paying for it so we will invite who we want. I have no idea how to handle this.

kiddodarling · July 2013

Since your FMIL is paying they have the final say in most things. However, if you've already selected a venue that only holds x amount of guests, let her know that and ask her if you can help cut the list.

mmcgee2 · July 2013

The thing is technically they are paying more, but they make so much more than my family. Just to pay for the cake and dress, my family is having to take out loans, whereas his dad makes enough to cover everything else in two or three weeks of work.

manateehugger · July 2013

mmcgee2 said:The thing is technically they are paying more, but they make so much more than my family. Just to pay for the cake and dress, my family is having to take out loans, whereas his dad makes enough to cover everything else in two or three weeks of work.

Ahh! Weddings are so not worth loans. Please don't make your parents take out a loan. There are so many more budget-friendly options out there. I would never ever ever let my parents take out a loan to pay for my dress.

If they are paying for their extra guests, I think you're stuck with the guests unless that number is going to over your venue limit.

Why don't you wait to save up for the wedding you and your FI want?

ETA: The responsibility to pay for your wedding rests with you and your FI alone.

mmcgee2 · July 2013

We don't have time to save up for that especially since I'm in school. Our venue fits 350 but his parents say we can invite up to 425. I don't want my parents going into debt (especially since they are still paying off loans from my brother's wedding last year), but if they don't financially contribute they will feel embarrassed.

manateehugger · July 2013

mmcgee2 said:We don't have time to save up for that especially since I'm in school. Our venue fits 350 but his parents say we can invite up to 425. I don't want my parents going into debt (especially since they are still paying off loans from my brother's wedding last year), but if they don't financially contribute they will feel embarrassed.

Why can't you wait? I'm waiting to get married because I still AM in school.

If your venue only holds 350, there's probably a fire code giving them that number. Double check with the venue. If fire code sets the limit, then your FMIL will have to cut her side of the guest list.

I still would never ever let my parents take out loans to pay for my wedding. I'd work my butt off and save every penny to pay for things myself. It is no one's business who pays for your wedding; no one ever needs to know how much they contributed.

mmcgee2 · July 2013

We can't wait because we already put deposits down ( & we really don't want to wait either ). We both work as hard as we can, but we are buying a new car because mine is falling apart so that's where every bit of extra money is going right now.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

mmcgee2 said:

Our venue fits 350 but his parents say we can invite up to 425.

If this is true, and deposits are always put down, then you need to make your FMIL aware of this. The venue will not let you break fire code just because your FMIL is a demanding drama queen.

Blue & White · July 2013

Have you guys talked to a financial advisor? Or maybe just someone trusted outside the family? I really feel like that's a good idea in this case. I know it's hard to save up money while in school but it concerns me that you're okay with your parents taking out a loan for the dress & cake and that you're having trouble saving up for a car. Each of these can be found at reasonable rates if you're not shopping the top shelf.

My above advice is mainly because sometimes emergencies come up and you and fi will have to be self sufficient to handle them. For instance, since may ive been in and out of the hospital/doctors offices with some stomach issue. They still don't know what's wrong. Even with good insurance, this has cost me more than I've made this summer due to my inability to work during this illness. It sucks but I'm glad I have some financial backing to take care of it as it comes up.

As for your fmil, I would recommend telling her she has x number of guests. And only inviting them. And not allowing her to address any invites (I assume that'll lead to problems down the road)

mmcgee2 · July 2013

We can afford the car & we are talking about paying for the cake ourselves & part of the dress. I'm not willing to let my parents take out loans either. It's just a matter of deciding who is going to pay for what so that that doesn't happen.

MairePoppy · July 2013

If your ILs are paying for the majority of your wedding, they have a right to invite as many people as they want. If they end up with more guests than the venue will allow, they are going to be very embarrassed. If you're not willing to postpone your wedding until you can pay for it, then you'll have to put up with your ILs taking over on the planning.

mmcgee2 · July 2013

The thing is, they offered the money in the beginning with no strings attached. The venue limit, as I said is 350, but they are inviting 430

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

He who pays gets a say. That's an unfortunate reality. Your choices now are:

1. Decline your FILs money and have the wedding you and FI can afford, even if that means a courthouse ceremony with cake and punch after.

2. Find a different, larger, venue to accommodate all of FMIL's guests.

3. Cut your friends off the guest list so that it fits in the current space.

Also, I ditto PP about seeing a financial advisor. GL!

MairePoppy · July 2013

mmcgee2 said:

The thing is, they offered the money in the beginning with no strings attached. The venue limit, as I said is 350, but they are inviting 430

They changed their minds and there's no way to make them honor their promise. Unless they handed you the cold, hard cash and told you do whatever you like with it, you should have assumed they wanted some input into the wedding planning.

IMO, you should be grateful for the very generous gift your FILs are giving you. Your fi should show his parents where the venue contract shows the maximum number of guests that can be accommodated and suggest that they find a larger venue. IF they don't want to do that, they are going to be very embarrassed if their guests are turned away at the door.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

This is a situation where I would refuse all of their money and elope. Loans, 150 extra guests and almost 100 people over-capacity is a shit storm waiting to happen. Go to the courthouse in something you already own and pay $20 to get your marriage license. I think it'll save you a headache and a lot of stress.

NYCBruin · July 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

This is a situation where I would refuse all of their money and elope. Loans, 150 extra guests and almost 100 people over-capacity is a shit storm waiting to happen. Go to the courthouse in something you already own and pay $20 to get your marriage license. I think it'll save you a headache and a lot of stress.

I agree with all of this.

MairePoppy · July 2013

Excellent advice - elope.

melb2013 · July 2013

I totally agree- if you are dead set on getting married now, which I'm not sure why you are in such a rush if you are still in school, elope. Get everyone back their money or offer to pay it back yourselves when you can and cut the strings. You will have more issues with your FILs than just this one and a wedding is never worth debt.

zitiqueen · July 2013

mmcgee2 said:

We don't have time to save up for that especially since I'm in school. Our venue fits 350 but his parents say we can invite up to 425. I don't want my parents going into debt (especially since they are still paying off loans from my brother's wedding last year), but if they don't financially contribute they will feel embarrassed.

You don't have time? Is there a deadline by when you have to be married?

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

This has train wreck written all over it. Who needs 430 people at a wedding? This is ridiculous.

1FairMaiden · July 2013

Make FMIL aware of the 350 guest limit.

Also, ask her, as tactfully or as bluntly as your relationship permits, if she's doing that thing that I notice a lot of parents in my area do: deliberately invite more guests than they know they can host, or even expect to come, because they are trying to get you some extra gifts. I really think that's all that this sounds like, honestly. If you are so financially unable right now, they probably think they're doing you a favor. Not saying this is ok, but it's a reflection of them, the hosts, not you.

Also, I will tell you that my parents paid for the majority of my wedding, and it turned out beautifully, but I felt like I didn't know most of the people who were there, haha! I had only met about half of the guests once before. But you know what? It was gorgeous and everything else was the way that I wanted. On that day, you'll be so happy because you've married the love of your life, you won't really care! You'll just shake a lot of hands, kiss a lot of cheeks, say "Thank you for coming" a bunch of extra times, and then go hang out with your BP. No big deal.

mmcgee2 · September 2013

I think some of you misunderstand. I am in graduate school, not undergrad. By the time I am financially stable it will be around 2017. I won't wait that long. Plus there is the issue of she is treating my family terribly. My family is not wealthy. They are scraping together every penny they can to help, but they simply can't afford the extravagant amount from her. I wanted a smaller wedding, but she won't allow it.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

Refuse her money and plan the wedding you want. By necessity, it will then be small.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

mmcgee2 said:

I think some of you misunderstand. I am in graduate school, not undergrad. By the time I am financially stable it will be around 2017. I won't wait that long. Plus there is the issue of she is treating my family terribly. My family is not wealthy. They are scraping together every penny they can to help, but they simply can't afford the extravagant amount from her. I wanted a smaller wedding, but she won't allow it.

If you are old enough to be in graduate school, you are old enough to take personal responsibility. Your initial post sounded very immature; finding out you're in graduate school astounds me.

If you let this woman walk all over you now, she will do it for the rest of your life. So grow a spine, put on our big-girl panties, and tell your FMIL, "We aren't going to have this over-the-top shindig that you want. We're either going to plan the wedding FI and I want, or we're going to elope. You pick."

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

I agree with Friday. You are an adult. tell FMIL to keep her money. I'm sure in the next few months you & FI can save up $500. Get your license, have your friend get ordained, and plan a simple backyard wedding with a bbq. It doesn't have to be big and extravagant. at the end of the day, if you and FI are married that's all that matters.

aurorajanette · September 2013

I think some of you misunderstand. I am in graduate school, not undergrad. By the time I am financially stable it will be around 2017. I won't wait that long. Plus there is the issue of she is treating my family terribly. My family is not wealthy. They are scraping together every penny they can to help, but they simply can't afford the extravagant amount from her. I wanted a smaller wedding, but she won't allow it.

***
I can't escape the box!

Okay, grad student to grad student here... you need to re-think this whole thing. If you are not financially stable then you shouldn't be planning a wedding, especially one with 350-430 guests. I can understand not wanting to wait an additional four years to get married, but save a little every week and have a small wedding. DO NOT let your parents go in debt over your pretty princess day. If they insist on contributing, ask them to provide pizza and soda for your reversal dinner or something. You and your FI need to have a serious talk with your FMIL, and if she doesn't come to the realization of how shitty she's acting (be prepared for this), then you will need to refuse her money. Weddings are only as expensive as you make them.

And really, you are an adult. I can imagine relying on what a parent says I can and can't do at my age. Stand you ground here.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

mmcgee2 said:

I think some of you misunderstand. I am in graduate school, not undergrad. By the time I am financially stable it will be around 2017. I won't wait that long. Plus there is the issue of she is treating my family terribly. My family is not wealthy. They are scraping together every penny they can to help, but they simply can't afford the extravagant amount from her. I wanted a smaller wedding, but she won't allow it.

Whoa whoa whoa. Take back control here. This is YOUR wedding - YOU and YOUR FI decide what is allowed and what isn't allowed. Nobody else calls any shots unless YOU allow it.

That said, it sounds like this problem hasn't gone away two months later. My advice is the same as it was two months ago. Refuse everyone's money and elope. If you want your parents there, tell them when you're going to the courthouse and they can choose to be there or not.

It sounds like you're allowing this woman to cause you and your family serious financial and emotional stress. Take back control and don't let this happen. Your FI needs to put his mom in her place. Stat.

maryemoo · October 2013

mmcgee2 said:

I think some of you misunderstand. I am in graduate school, not undergrad. By the time I am financially stable it will be around 2017. I won't wait that long. Plus there is the issue of she is treating my family terribly. My family is not wealthy. They are scraping together every penny they can to help, but they simply can't afford the extravagant amount from her. I wanted a smaller wedding, but she won't allow it.

It's YOUR wedding...she had the chance to have the wedding she wanted when she planned her own. Hand back the money, than you for her offer, and have the small wedding you originally wanted and can afford. Or elope. Agree with PPs--stand your ground or you will be walked all over for the rest of your life.

Viczaesar · October 2013

@maryemoo, please stop bumping old threads.

Jen4948 · October 2013

If it's important to you to have your wedding your way without inviting her guests or otherwise accepting her demands, you have to pay for it in full-even if that means you have to elope, not invite your own friends and loved ones, or otherwise make cuts that are not in keeping with the "wedding of your dreams."

You are allowed to have a smaller wedding-she doesn't get to "allow" or "disallow" what she is not paying for. Together with your FI you need to bring that to her attention-by not accepting her money.

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