Feedback on vows

linnyv27 · July 2013

I've taken parts here and there from online sample vows to incorporate with my own. I really wanted to stay between 150-200 words, but this comes out to be 219. What do you think? Does it seem too long? Does any of it sound redundant?

Xxxx, no matter what is going on in my life, you are this undercurrent of happiness that I can dip my fingers into whenever I want. Thank you for always being my sanctuary, my comfort and my light when life is dark.

Xxxx, I promise I will treat you with kindness and respect.
I will appreciate all of your wonderful qualities and quirks.
I will listen when you need a friend, so that you will never be alone.
I will support you, through laughter and tears.
I will make your dreams as important as my own, knowing that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone.
I will strive to be my best for you.
I will be that someone in the world that awaits you, whether it be in the middle of the dessert or in some great city.

Today I promise you that regardless of the obstacles we may face, I will always love you, treasure you, care for you, challenge you, inspire you, and when you’re feeling down, I will pat you on the back and tell you, “there, there”. (Added that last part because we are fans of the Big Bang Theory)

Wherever our path leads us, it leads us together as I share all that I am with you. From this day forward, I am proud to be your wife.

QueerFemme · July 2013

it's not a term paper. I think you can go over by 19 words and not worry so much.

kaos16 · July 2013

linnyv27 said:

I've taken parts here and there from online sample vows to incorporate with my own. I really wanted to stay between 150-200 words, but this comes out to be 219. What do you think? Does it seem too long? Does any of it sound redundant?

Xxxx, no matter what is going on in my life, you are this undercurrent of happiness that I can dip my fingers into whenever I want. Thank you for always being my sanctuary, my comfort and my light when life is dark.

Xxxx, I promise I will treat you with kindness and respect.
I will appreciate all of your wonderful qualities and quirks.
I will listen when you need a friend, so that you will never be alone.
I will support you, through laughter and tears.
I will make your dreams as important as my own, knowing that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone.
I will strive to be my best for you.
I will be that someone in the world that awaits you, whether it be in the middle of the dessert or in some great city.

Today I promise you that regardless of the obstacles we may face, I will always love you, treasure you, care for you, challenge you, inspire you, and when you’re feeling down, I will pat you on the back and tell you, “there, there”. (Added that last part because we are fans of the Big Bang Theory)

Wherever our path leads us, it leads us together as I share all that I am with you. From this day forward, I am proud to be your wife.

Generally I think they sound great and very heartfelt, which I enjoy. . . . 2 things though:

Dipping fingers into an undercurrent throws me off because it's a visual that my mind tries to picture but can't

the awaits you in the bolded part sounds awkward to me. Awaits, as in waits for? Why are you waiting for him in the middle of dessert. . . . does he eat his very slowly? Perhaps it's an inside joke?

linnyv27 · July 2013

Thanks - glad it doesn't seem too long. I only set a maximum number of words because I tend to ramble and over explain everything.

@kaos16 the "dipping fingers" part felt a little off for me as well, but I couldn't find another way to explain it. I'll keep working on it.

And whoops, that line is supposed to say desert - not dessert. Does this sound better?

I will be that someone in the world that waits for you, whether it be in the middle of the desert or in some great city.

kaos16 · July 2013

linnyv27 said:

Thanks - glad it doesn't seem too long. I only set a maximum number of words because I tend to ramble and over explain everything.

@kaos16 the "dipping fingers" part felt a little off for me as well, but I couldn't find another way to explain it. I'll keep working on it.

And whoops, that line is supposed to say desert - not dessert. Does this sound better?

I will be that someone in the world that waits for you, whether it be in the middle of the desert or in some great city.

I personally think that sounds much better. . . . maybe something as simple as "this undercurrent of happiness that will always be there" Something less forced, or something you would say in more everyday situations.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Yeah, I have to agree that a lot of it seems forced. I'd rather hear realness instead of more literary-sounding phrases.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

linnyv27 said:

Xxxx, I promise I will treat you with kindness and respect.
I will appreciate all of your wonderful qualities and quirks.
I will listen when you need a friend, so that you will never be alone.
I will support you, through laughter and tears.
I will make your dreams as important as my own, knowing that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone.
I will strive to be my best for you.
I will be always be there for you, whether it be in the middle of the desert or in some great city.

Today I promise you that regardless of the obstacles we may face, I will always love you, treasure you, care for you, challenge you, inspire you, and when you’re feeling down, I will pat you on the back and tell you, “there, there”. (Added that last part because we are fans of the Big Bang Theory)

Wherever our path leads us, we will be stronger taking this journey together. From this day forward, I am proud to be your wife. Thank you for always being my sanctuary, my comfort and my light when life is dark.

Try that.

linnyv27 · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

linnyv27 said:

Xxxx, I promise I will treat you with kindness and respect.
I will appreciate all of your wonderful qualities and quirks.
I will listen when you need a friend, so that you will never be alone.
I will support you, through laughter and tears.
I will make your dreams as important as my own, knowing that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone.
I will strive to be my best for you.
I will be always be there for you, whether it be in the middle of the desert or in some great city.

Today I promise you that regardless of the obstacles we may face, I will always love you, treasure you, care for you, challenge you, inspire you, and when you’re feeling down, I will pat you on the back and tell you, “there, there”. (Added that last part because we are fans of the Big Bang Theory)

Wherever our path leads us, we will be stronger taking this journey together. From this day forward, I am proud to be your wife. Thank you for always being my sanctuary, my comfort and my light when life is dark.
Try that.

I love this! I think taking out the entire part of the "undercurrent happiness" does work better, as well as moving the thank you towards the end. Thanks, I'll be using this.

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