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MargisToBe · August 2013

blueobsidian · August 2013

How did your FI react to his sister saying that she hates you and what is his opinion about his mother's involvement in the wedding?

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

MargisToBe said:

I'm so lucky to have found the man I'm going to marry BUT THERE'S A HUGE PROBLEM! My future Mother-in-law and Sister-in-law and both horrible to me. I have had many conversations to bridge the gap, but nothing seems to change.... EVER.... My FMIL has an opinion about everything but refuses to financially help. She has TRIED to take over the guest list, location and worst of all the date! I have stood my ground nicely but this is starting to really cause an internal problem. MFSI absolutely hates me and is very open about it to the whole family. To the point where she has stopped speaking to her own brother (my future Husband). I don't know what to do! Do I ignore it? Assume they're scared of loosing him? Jealous? What?---- I know they don't like me and that's fine but how do I bridge the gap? or at least make things better for him?????

Stop talking wedding with them. No pay, no say. Period. Try "bean dipping":

FMIL: "You need to get married in our Chicago."

You: "Chicago is nice, but we've decided on NYC. Have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious!"

FMIL: "But you NEED to get married in Chicago. That's where all of our family is."

You: "Do you think they used coriander in this? Who brought this bean dip?"

FMIL: "Chicago, CHICAGO, CHICAGO!!!!"

YOU: "I'm going to ask the hosts who brought this. I really need this recipe. Please excuse me."

Master it. Love it. Also, you shouldn't be "dealing" with your FI's family. He should be dealing with his own family. I repeat: stop talking wedding with them. If they bring it up, change the subject. When people offered opinions, H and I said, "Thank you for that suggestion. We will think about that when it comes time to make a decision." You don't need to tell anyone yes or no on anything until you're ready. And if they're not paying, "no" is a perfectly acceptable answer as long as you're not breaking etiquette (e.g. if you said "no, you can't bring your husband because I don't like him" then the arguer would have a case, KWIM?).

His sister sounds pretty young and possibly immature. Am I right? If that's the case, be unconditionally nice to her. If she crosses the line, then your FI can deal with her. If she's not speaking to either of you, it should be very easy to ignore her.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

It seems likes they trying all sorts of things and seeing what they can get away with and how to push your buttons to see what your breaking point is and how much control can they get over you (ei, are you a push over). I would say stay firm, be polite, hopefully over time they will see that you can't be control by them. When they give input on the wedding just smile and say that's a great suggestion, I'll keep that in mind or look into it.

FSIL, any chance she was the center of attention growing up & now attention is on you and your FI and she's jealous of that? Or are her & your FI close and now she has less time with him because of you?

I'm not sure if you can bridge the gap. Maybe FI can have a talk to with them and ask them why they don't like you. But not sure how much good that will do. Just keep being polite, smile and invite them to family events, if they don't come, then it will be there lose. Good luck!!

MargisToBe · August 2013

I didn't ask she just out right said it to him as soon as we got engaged. And he has spoken to them many times, but again, nothing changes. Thank you so much for the advice, I'll be sure to try your approach.

MargisToBe · August 2013

Told her to respect me regardless because I'll be his wife one day soon. He's internally angry but stays level headed in-spite if it all

MargisToBe · August 2013

Def never asked, ever*** she's decided to make it clear all on her own.

zitiqueen · August 2013

MargisToBe said:

I didn't ask she just out right said it to him as soon as we got engaged. And he has spoken to them many times, but again, nothing changes. Thank you so much for the advice, I'll be sure to try your approach.

He needs to speak to them one more time, and when they continue to be abusive and disrespectful towards you, he needs to take you by the hand, tell them that was their last chance, walk out the door, and not look back. And he has to mean it. Being "internally angry" but "staying level-headed" is just a euphemism for being a doormat. You think he's being all noble and shit, but what he's doing is giving his family permission to treat you this way, and you're signing up for a lifetime of this.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Don't bring up the wedding around her. If she tries to talk wedding with you, change the subject.

As far as the guest list, come up with a number of people she can invite and have FI inform her. If she "demands" more people, FI needs to be firm and inform her that you only have the space/budget for X amount of people and the number is not negotiable.

Have FI continue to reminder her that she needs to respect you.

As for the sister, just ignore it. She may or may not come around, but there really isn't anything you can do about it other than continue to be kind to her when you do interact.

Jen4948 · August 2013

From this point on, let your FI handle all communication between you and them. Don't discuss anything wedding-related at all; if they bring it up to you, just bean-dip as PPs have suggested.

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

@KnotPorscha, we have an advertiser!

[Deleted User] · August 2013

@OliveOilsMom Thank you!

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