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Religion Drama

LDS910LDS910 member
in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
My fiancé is Jewish - his dad is Catholic, his mother is Jewish so he was raised Jewish. My fiancé and I and decided to get married in my church and he's fine with raising our future children catholic, because he’s not a practicing Jew. I am trying to make everyone comfortable and found out from the church that we can have a Rabbi attend our ceremony, which I’m happy about. My future mother in law told me that she does not feel comfortable with us getting married in a church and knows her parents won't feel comfortable either. She would rather see us marry at the reception hall. They are going to give us money towards the wedding so I feel like I need to respect her to a point. But it’s also my wedding and I will be shelling out A LOT of money of my own and I’m trying to make things as comfortable for everyone as I can. I’ve never wanted to get married in a building; I’ve always pictured church. Am I wrong for being upset? Or is the future MIL acting a little crazy?
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Re: Religion Drama

  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    How important is your faith to you?  Because if you want to continue being able to receive communion, you will need to be married in the church.  I would make this decision based more on your on-going relationship with the church rather than focusing on the location where you exchange vows.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I agree. It comes down to your future relationship with the church.  The Catholic church will make things rather difficult to do anything in the future with them if you choose to get married elsewhere.  Keep that in mind.  Also, I think your FI's opinion should be factored in...so what does he think of what his mother is saying?  And are you willing to give up her money?
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Oh and if your future mother in law is giving you crap about your wedding location, I don't doubt for a minute that she'll throw a fit over your children being raised in your faith rather than hers.  This is an issue that is much deeper than just a venue.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is the one area where I think, "he who pays, gets a say" doesn't apply -- the most fundamental point of the day is that you and your FI are getting married, and you have to do that in a way that's most comfortable to you and him, and most true to what you, as a couple, believe. 

    You've said that your FI is comfortable raising your kids Catholic, so that seems (to me) to mean he's comfortable going through with the pre-cana and the religious requirements.

    And PPs are right -- if you get married outside the Catholic church, you'll be out of communion with the church, which is a pretty big deal. 

    You and your FI need to sit down and talk about this and what it means for you, and him, and you two as a family. And if you and he still agree that the best course of action for you is to get married in the Catholic church, then you do it. And he needs to tell his mother, "Mom, I'm sorry you don't agree with this decision, but this is the decision LDS and I have made, and it's final. It's not open for discussion." 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm Jewish myself and I'm on your side (if there are "sides" in this).

    Since it's important to you to have a Catholic wedding and your FI is fine with it, then I think your FMIL is going to have to accept that that's how the wedding is going to be-even if she's paying for it.  She doesn't have the right to use her financial contributions to blackmail you into having a wedding you don't believe in because she isn't comfortable with it religious-wise.

    So I agree with the PP.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Ditto PPs. If you want your marriage to be recognized by the church and if you want to remain a practicing Catholic then you need to get married in the church. This isn't an area of compromise unless you plan to not stay in your faith.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    You should speak with your priest about this.  It is possible to have a dispensation granted to have your ceremony performed by a Catholic priest inside of the reception hall.  I've heard that if a non-Catholic family would be uncomfortable in the church, a dispensation can be granted to have the ceremony inside of another building.  It would still be recognized by the Church and you would still be in good standing.

    I know you have always dreamed about being married in a Church, but you should speak to your FI and figure out what is best for the two of you.  Remember this is your FI's wedding too, so his vison for the wedding should also be accomodated.  Sometimes, compromises need to be made.

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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OliveOilsMom said:

    You should speak with your priest about this.  It is possible to have a dispensation granted to have your ceremony performed by a Catholic priest inside of the reception hall.  I've heard that if a non-Catholic family would be uncomfortable in the church, a dispensation can be granted to have the ceremony inside of another building.  It would still be recognized by the Church and you would still be in good standing.

    I know you have always dreamed about being married in a Church, but you should speak to your FI and figure out what is best for the two of you.  Remember this is your FI's wedding too, so his vison for the wedding should also be accomodated.  Sometimes, compromises need to be made.

    It's true that dispensations can be granted to be married outside the church, but they aren't always granted.  And usually they only allow the couple to get married within a different house of worship.  But the OP can always ask.

    The other Catholic marriage requirements would still need to be met.  Most importantly, promising to raise children Catholic.  I still think OP and her FI need to discuss this.  That FMIL says she isn't comfortable sitting through an hour or so ceremony tells me she isn't comfortable with OP's faith, which may cause major issues down the road when children come along.  The children will have to be baptized in the church.  

    This is a much bigger issue than the location of the wedding.  It's about the role that faith will play in the couple's life together and whether FMIL plans to interfere with those choices.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OP, are you practicing Catholic? You never specify your religion, just that you have always envisioned getting married in a church.

    Can you get married outside? If I were religious, I would think that getting married outside would be the ultimate testament to God.



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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Dreamergirl8812 said:
    OP, are you practicing Catholic? You never specify your religion, just that you have always envisioned getting married in a church.

    Can you get married outside? If I were religious, I would think that getting married outside would be the ultimate testament to God.
    OP mentions raising her kids Catholic and her FI not having any objections to it, so its a safe assumption that she is a Catholic.  And Catholics cannot be married outside, it must be performed inside of a Church, unless extenuating circumstances allow the Church to grant a dispensation to allow the ceremony be performed outside of a Church.  But the ceremony would still need to be performed inside of a building per Church rules.
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  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    OliveOilsMom said:
    But the ceremony would still need to be performed inside of a building per Church rules.
    Can you please tell me where that rule is? If there is a dispensation from canonical form, I don't believe there are rules about the location. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I don't know my canonical forms, but I found this from the Diocese of Rockville Centre, so maybe it's a Diocesian decision.  It is just what I have always understood from my own experience in the Church:

    Outdoor weddings are not permitted.

    Catholics are not permitted to be married out-of-doors. However, outdoor weddings are popular for many people—priests, deacons and church ministers admit that it is challenging, in the face of “popular wedding culture,” to explain the reasons for this practice of the Church in most parts of the United States, including the Diocese of Rockville Centre.

    It is the decision of the diocesan bishop and the bishops in our region that the sanctity of the marriage ceremony is best preserved by celebrating the marriage indoors. Even when permission is granted for a Catholic to be married outside a church edifice, the marriage takes place indoors. The place of the marriage must be a place of dignity, appropriate for the exchange of the wedding promises, e.g., a wedding chapel, a room set apart, etc. Tents, gazebos, bubbles, etc. are not permissible places for Catholics to be married in the Diocese of Rockville Centre.

    Some non-Catholic clergypersons celebrate wedding out-of-doors. The assisting priest or deacon is to remind couples when they arrange for the marriage that outdoor weddings are not possible, even when a willing non-Catholic clergyperson takes the consent and signs the license.

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  • tally7tally7 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment

    Ok the church doesn't 'make things difficult for people' however in order to have a catholic ceremony you have to be inside a building - so no outdoor weddings

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