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mrsbizzz · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Pretend I said what Scribe said.

LakeR2014 · August 2013

1) I'd have your FI ask his mother why certain cousins received plus ones and others didn't? Then if the reasons were 'she felt like it.' Give her, her list back and say all those get invited get plus ones, which will put the number she can invite to your wedding over it's limit, therefore she'll have to adjust her invite list.

2) Send the invite to your FSIL and include the boyfriends name on the invite. Do not put 'and Guest' if you know his name.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

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LDubHawksFan · August 2013

Add the bf's name to her invite because he's not a plus one, he's the so. But if they were to break up you most likely wouldn't invite him. If he got his own invitation then you would have to let him come if he wanted to.
I would just tell fmil that you were planning on extending plus ones to all single guests and not even worry about what reasoning she had. But I would confirm that all SOS were accounted for on the list.

phira · August 2013

1) Return the guest list to your future mother-in-law and let her know that all single adult guests are receiving +1s, so she is currently over her limit. I'd guess that she realized she would be over her limit if everyone got +1s, and so she haphazardly/arbitrarily assigned +1s until she'd hit her limit.

2) Address the invitation to "Future Sister-in-Law & Boyfriend" by name. SOs are partners/spouses of guests and need to be addressed by name because they're the specific people being invited. A "+1" is for single guests, which means they can bring someone who wasn't specifically invited (and barring exceptional circumstances, they may bring whomever they wish).

Just as a general aside, make sure that you know for sure who's single (without a significant other) and who's just unmarried. It's rude to get an invitation addressed to "You & Guest" when you're in a serious relationship.

Example:

My friend is getting married this fall. I received an invitation just addressed to me on the outer envelope, but the inner envelope was addressed to me and my partner. Yay

My grandmother's 80th birthday is also this fall and we're having a formal party for her. I received an invitation addressed to "Phira and Guest."

The family member in charge of the invitations and guest list has met my partner, and she and I are friends on facebook (where she could have gotten my partner's name, if she didn't want to ask me or my mother). It made my partner feel like he's not really considered part of the family.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

Ditto PPs. If your FMIL is arbitrarily making a decision about whose relationship is serious enough, or who "deserves" a plus-one, then no. Everyone gets treated equally and fairly, so give her her list back, with the new rules, and tell her to remake it. If she won't, tell her you'll do it for her.

Also, no, FSIL's BF doesn't get his own invite, for the reasons PP said. If they break up, you wouldn't still invite him, right? Right. Also, I know lots of people think that "oh, every guest gets an invite, and I'll send invites to my friends' SOs!" but all that serves to do is (a) increase your invite cost; (b) increase your postage cost; (c) keep the USPS busy and (d) confuse those guests. I have friends whose SO's I've never met. If I sent them and invite, they'd look at it and be like, "Who in the ever-loving heck is this girl and why is she inviting me to her wedding?" before promptly trashing it.

Jen4948 · August 2013

I'd tell your FMIL that everyone needs to get a plus-one-not just some of the family. I'd give her the list back and let her know that she needs to redo it or you'll redo it.

And no, don't give the boyfriend his own invitation-just include him as your FSIL's plus one.

MandyMost · August 2013

Who gets a "plus 1" doesn't have to be an all or none thing. For instance, it would be alright to invite single guests with a plus 1 if they were traveling for the wedding (so they wouldn't have to get their own hotel room, or make a long drive alone), and/or didn't really know anyone else at the wedding, whereas you wouldn't have to do that for people who weren't traveling and/or knew a ton of guests.

Maybe the FMIL had some kind of reasoning that just isn't clear looking at the list? Regardless, it seems absurd that one brother would get a plus one and the other wouldn't! I would definitely ask her about it.

And also, I'd make sure she (and you) are using the term "plus one" appropriately. A plus one is for a single guest, and it means they can bring whoever they want. It does not refer to a guest's significant other, who should be invited by name.

delujm0 · August 2013

It sounds like what is happening here is this:

-FI's family was given a number that they were allowed to invite. If they gave everyone a +1, they would be over that number. So FI's mother decided to just remove +1's from whoever she felt like to arrive at the appropriate number.

-The OP says that everyone on their list, regardless of relationship status, got a +1. She wants everyone to have the option to bring a date. But FI's mother decided that if she gave everyone a +1, she wouldn't have enough guest slots, so she rudely eliminated +1's from certain people without a good reason, and without any set rules, it sounds like.

FI needs to talk to his mother and tell her that everyone gets a +1, and that will be counted toward her total. This needs a redo, especially if FI's family is not paying for the reception. Now, if they are paying for the reception...I'd tread lightly and just give out the +1's without worrying about it being over her limit (unles you are up against a strict vendor space limitation, of course). it's unlikely that everyone will actually bring a +1.

The sister's invite just needs to have the boyfriend's name on it; with the cost of invitations these days there is no need to send him a separate one, especially if he wouldn't be invited unless they were together.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

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delujm0 · August 2013

If you want to throw her a bone, you can put the parents of the flower girl and ring bearer on "your" list instead of "hers" - after all they will be in attendance because their children are a part of your wedding party.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

@delujm0 - I considered it, but they would be attending regardless of their children being in the wedding (their mom was my FI's au pair for ten years growing up). I originally did not want a flower girl or ring bearer at all, but FMIL begged for them to be a part of the day, so I figured they needed to be integrated into their guest count.

delujm0 · August 2013

haha that makes sense. if they're only going to be there because she insisted they should definitely be on her list. :-)

ashleyep · August 2013

Who are you asking her to cut? Are we talking random friends of hers? Or cousins and aunt and uncles? Did you decide the number of people she is allowed to have before actually counting the number of people in his family? Can you budge any on numbers? I just hope that you're not asking her to cut some of his cousins or aunts and uncles (and their dates) if you get to include all of yours.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

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HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

drmrs2014 said:

@ashleyep - She is deciding who to cut, but it will not be that many people and will not have to be family. We gave her half of the 125 guest maximum, even though my parents are paying for the entire wedding and their family is slightly smaller than mine.

That was nice of you, but it doesn't answer the underlying question: did you choose your venue before or after you did at least a rough count of the number of must-invites (i.e., family) on both sides? Giving her more than half if his family is larger than that still puts her in a bind.

Not that I am condoning what she did, because I'm not. If she wanted to discount plus-ones so her side of the list was smaller, and then she planned on acting surprised when people RSVP'd with a plus-one, that's a no-no.

If she's choosing between her friends and her family, and her allotment of the list allows her to invite the entirety of the family, then you're fine. If she's stuck choosing between cousins or sets of aunts/uncles, then that's a problem.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

I think that @drmrs2014 said that her FI's family is smaller than hers.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

@HisGirlFriday13 - no, we chose the venue well after we did a preliminary guest list and reached a rough guest count.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

Meh, then your FMIL is trying to hijack the guest list, which puts her in company of about 50% of FMILs, MOBs on the boards -- welcome to a club with a dubious honor!

Seriously, though, as long as she has enough room for family, she can't complain. If she's having to cut friends, well...too bad.

mrsbizzz · August 2013

I am also being very careful to host the wedding my parents, FI, and I can afford. Even if we had chosen a venue with room for more than 125, we probably wouldn't have invited more than that. Unfortunately, my FI comes from a family that is more well off than mine, so it's a little difficult to explain to FMIL that 125 is not only FI and I's preference (we want it to be only those closest to us), but also the maximum number my parents can afford.

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