Inviting couples who don't live together

RedJacks25 · August 2013

If you are equally close with both people in a couple and they don't live together, do you send an invitation to both of their houses and include their SO on each invitation? Or does only one of them get an invite with both of their names?

Example:
We are good friends with both John and Jane. John and Jane don't live together. Do we send an invitation to Jane's house that has both her and John listed on the invitation, as well as send an invitation to John's house with both him and Jane listed on the invitation? Or do we just send one invitation to John's house and list both him and Jane on it?

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I would ask John and Jane where they'd like to have their invitation mailed and go with that. Put both their names on it.

RedJacks25 · August 2013

I hadn't even considered asking them, lol. Thanks!

kefryar · August 2013

Send each an invite to their respective home, with just one name.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Ditto southernbelle.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I don't know what E says, but I think sending two would be silly/weird. FI and I didn't live together through college and I would have thought it was weird to send two invites, especially if you're only close to one side of the couple. Andplusalso, if you invite separately, whoever gets it first will probably think you didn't invite the SO.

RedJacks25 · August 2013

misssunshine17 said:

I don't know what E says, but I think sending two would be silly/weird. FI and I didn't live together through college and I would have thought it was weird to send two invites, especially if you're only close to one side of the couple. Andplusalso, if you invite separately, whoever gets it first will probably think you didn't invite the SO.

I would never send it to each person and not include their SO on it, so there wouldn't be any case where they would think I didn't invite their SO.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

I would send an invite to each of them separately with only one name on it. I think it's odd to treat a couple as living together by sending them mail together when they're not living together. And if one invite arrives a day before and they freak out thinking only one of them is invited- oh well. It'll get sorted in a couple of days anyway.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

I would send an invite to each of them separately with only one name on it. I think it's odd to treat a couple as living together by sending them mail together when they're not living together. And if one invite arrives a day before and they freak out thinking only one of them is invited- oh well. It'll get sorted in a couple of days anyway.

I think it's more odd to treat them as not being a social unit by not sending them mail together. BF and I have been dating for almost 5 years and are very serious about our relationship, but due to circumstances we aren't living together. If BF got an invite and I didn't right away - and we were both close to the couple - I would be hurt, he would be hurt, and he would probably RSVP no before we knew I was invited as well.

itzMS · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

I would send an invite to each of them separately with only one name on it. I think it's odd to treat a couple as living together by sending them mail together when they're not living together. And if one invite arrives a day before and they freak out thinking only one of them is invited- oh well. It'll get sorted in a couple of days anyway.

As to the bolded, that's why you simply ASK them what they would prefer.

In some cultures, yes, it could be offensive to imply that a non-married couple is living together by sending them mail to one residence.

In 90% of situations, it won't matter.

They will likely give a gift together...so would you send them each the same thank you note to two different houses? Seems silly.

RedJacks25 · August 2013

itzMS said:

STARMOON44 said:

I would send an invite to each of them separately with only one name on it. I think it's odd to treat a couple as living together by sending them mail together when they're not living together. And if one invite arrives a day before and they freak out thinking only one of them is invited- oh well. It'll get sorted in a couple of days anyway.

As to the bolded, that's why you simply ASK them what they would prefer.
In some cultures, yes, it could be offensive to imply that a non-married couple is living together by sending them mail to one residence.
In 90% of situations, it won't matter.
They will likely give a gift together...so would you send them each the same thank you note to two different houses? Seems silly.

Yeah, I'll definitely just ask them. It was seriously an option that never even crossed my mind. Thanks!

STARMOON44 · August 2013

I think it's really special snowflakey to be hurt by people sending you mail where you live, and your SO mail where they live.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

But you shouldn't be. It's just really not reasonable to be hurt by people treating you in accordance with reality. Are they inviting you and your SO? Great. They're honoring your relationship. Get over it.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@STARMOON44 - If you're calling me out, do it openly.

Call me SS all you want - it would sting if we were invited separately. It stings when I'm still invited as an "and guest," all these years later. I would just like to be treated as someone ... important to him. Important to his family. In a public way.

ashleyep · August 2013

I can't imagine sending out two invites to a couple - it just seems like a waste, but I don't know why anyone would be hurt by it.

Why? You're both invited, and you're both invited by name. Why would you be upset if you got your own invite? I don't get it.

itzMS · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

I think it's really special snowflakey to be hurt by people sending you mail where you live, and your SO mail where they live.

Sure. But you can't argue the fact that the bride and groom are being practical by calling the couple(s) in question and asking their preferences. Either way, if the couple want two invites or one invite...Fine.

There's no logical need to just send two invites, expect back two RSVPs, and send two thank you notes to a couple just because they don't reside in the same home.

phira · August 2013

I mean, I agree with SouthernBelle--ask them what they'd prefer. While I'd prefer one invitation with both names and not care who it was sent to, I know that some people feel differently. Not just aliciaharrison; my sister was upset when she got an invitation to our brother's wedding addressed to her and her long distance boyfriend. She felt like her boyfriend should have gotten his own invitation, especially since it made her feel uncomfortable being invited as a social unit.

In case you can't ask, I'd err on the side of one invitation with both names. Inviting them as a social unit recognizes the relationship. And it also saves paper.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

@KeptInStiches. I was calling you out openly.

I don't think you should be "and guest!" that's terrible. But getting your own invite addressed to you is recognizing your relationship. By inviting you. And I think it's special snowflakey to be hurt by things that aren't rude.

@aliciaharrison. Inviting a couple as a social unit has nothing to do with where you send their mail.

Look- if you're my friend and I know you like getting mail at his house, sure, I'll go with it. But I've seen so many friends burned because the invite just went to their boyfriend, and he forgot to tell them it's black tie until a day before, that I think the politer thing to do is send everyone you are inviting an invite to where they live.

ElcaB · August 2013

If it were me, I'd ask them what they prefer. Sending two invitations seems a little silly (and wasteful).

Or, if you're equally close to both, I'd send it to the man. Unless they are both men, in which case I'd become heavily intoxicated, make the decision and act on it, and wait to see how things played out.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

And I think @ElcaB has come up with the best solution to all wedding close call. Get drunk, pick something, and go for it.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

@KeptInStiches. I was calling you out openly. I don't think you should be "and guest!" that's terrible. But getting your own invite addressed to you is recognizing your relationship. By inviting you. And I think it's special snowflakey to be hurt by things that aren't rude. @aliciaharrison. Inviting a couple as a social unit has nothing to do with where you send their mail. Look- if you're my friend and I know you like getting mail at his house, sure, I'll go with it. But I've seen so many friends burned because the invite just went to their boyfriend, and he forgot to tell them it's black tie until a day before, that I think the politer thing to do is send everyone you are inviting an invite to where they live.

No offense, but your friends have some shitty boyfriends if they didn't tell them they got an invitation.

And sending two separate invites to a couple just because they don't live with each other is not recognizing the relationship as a social unit. That's inviting them separately.

To the OP, sorry for the thread jacking happening. I think you should ask the couples which they prefer. Most may say send it to one house with both names on the invite. Others may not.

Stuck in the quote box.

@Starmoon44, that was my point. Thanks, @aliciaharrison.

ElcaB · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

And I think @ElcaB has come up with the best solution to all wedding close call. Get drunk, pick something, and go for it.

Thank you. I was drunk when I wrote that just now.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@aliciaharrison, it's not that BF's family are necessarily bad people, it's that they don't think about how things come across. Same thing with some of his friends. I wouldn't even take it personally if they spelled my name wrong as long as they took a stab at it. And if the invites went to one or the other of us, not both.

FutureMrsN3312 · August 2013

FI and I don't live together yet. His friends or close family friends always send the invite to him. Its a pain in the ass. I wish that they would call and ask who we would like it sent to. We got invited to a Christening in mid Sept. I just got a fb message from the baby's mother asking if we're coming because the RSVP deadline is Sunday. I heard other people were invited but had no idea we were. Doesn't make him a shitty person. He's just not as organized as I am. I'm in charge of keeping our social calendar lol

WonderRed · August 2013

If they weren't in a relationship would they both still be invited? Who is the primary invitee? My best friend since I was 12 is in a serious relationship with a guy we were both good friends with in HS. They do not live together. She is the primary one that who is invited to the wedding. If not for her being invited the guy wouldn't be. I sent the invitation to her house addressed to Ms. Jane Smith. The inside envelope said Jane and John.

ashleyep · August 2013

ElcaB said:

If it were me, I'd ask them what they prefer. Sending two invitations seems a little silly (and wasteful).

Or, if you're equally close to both, I'd send it to the man. Unless they are both men, in which case I'd become heavily intoxicated, make the decision and act on it, and wait to see how things played out.

Heh, I'd send it to the woman. She's probably more responsible.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

As you said you are equally close to both, that tells me each should get their own invitation at their own residences. Seems like a no-brainer to me, so I'm learning a lot here about other's expectations.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

@FutureMrsN3312 Being not as organized and just out right not telling your other half you got an invitation are, at least in my book, very different. While we were looking for our own place together, I was the one who had to always tell my BF to contact the realtor. He would always forget.

Not really, because unless your BF/FI or whatever is just keeping the information from you on purpose (which is not okay), he could be very well like my H and just have a horrible memory. H would get stuff in the mail all the time for the both of us when we were still living in our respective family homes and completely forget to tell me about them. I would usually be informed by his Mom by her handing me the invite or whatever when I went over for a visit. For the longest time I didn't even know that we got a thank you card from a couple who we had given a wedding gift to until I mentioned something to him and he said "Oh yeah, we got a card I just forgot about it."

Which is why asking the couple who they would prefer to get the invite is really the best way to go about the OPs situation. It will prevent any hurt feelings and possibly any forgetfulness on either persons part.

Oh and I would think it odd for my SO and I (if we weren't living together) to receive separate invites to the same event. I would think it was a waste and that they should have just sent one invite with both of our names on it.

FutureMrsN3312 · August 2013

aliciaharrison said:

@FutureMrsN3312 Being not as organized and just out right not telling your other half you got an invitation are, at least in my book, very different. While we were looking for our own place together, I was the one who had to always tell my BF to contact the realtor. He would always forget.

I get an invite, I check the calendar if we're free and want to go, I RSVP yes, put the event in my calendar and the invite goes on the fridge. When I put the event into my calendar I send him a calendar invite. He doesn't keep track of things that way. Can't fry him for that. It sucks but it's still a work in progress.

tammym1001 · August 2013

We have a few couples on our list that don't live together. We sent one invite to the house of the person we were closest to with both their names on it. We did it like that because honestly if they broke up then their SO would no longer be invited because we aren't that close.

I guess my question would be: will they both still be invited if they break up? If yes, then I would send separate invitations to each of their houses. If no, then I would send one invite to the house of the person who would still be invited if they broke up. I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound mean.

smalfrie19 · August 2013

phira said:

I mean, I agree with SouthernBelle--ask them what they'd prefer. While I'd prefer one invitation with both names and not care who it was sent to, I know that some people feel differently. Not just aliciaharrison; my sister was upset when she got an invitation to our brother's wedding addressed to her and her long distance boyfriend. She felt like her boyfriend should have gotten his own invitation, especially since it made her feel uncomfortable being invited as a social unit.

In case you can't ask, I'd err on the side of one invitation with both names. Inviting them as a social unit recognizes the relationship. And it also saves paper.

Woah Wait! This is weird...she's uncomfortable being addressed as a social unit....but the feels he still should have been invited...Either she feels she is in a relationship and therefore a social unit or she's not! You can't have it both ways!

Inviting couples who don't live together

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