Wedding Etiquette Forum

Recent relationships may put us over our # limit

OjitosVerdesOjitosVerdes member
5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited August 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi all. I have a few good friends who have started dating people between when the STDs and invites (they were addressed without a +1) were sent. (I checked with my truly singles to make sure they weren't dating anyone before STDs went out)

Had I known about the relationships, they would have been included on the invites. In hindsight, I should have asked about SOs before the invites, and not the STDs went out. However, our invite numbers are right at what the venue can hold, without a couple major inconveniences. (We're not at fire code limit, but we are at the fitting-everyone-into-one-room limit. If our numbers go over, we'll have to put some people into a secondary room away from the dance floor and everyone else, which we don't want to do). 

This is definitely my fault for not giving ourselves a "cushion", but I've received a couple messages along the lines of "Oh! I forgot to tell you I recently started dating John/Jane Doe. It's ok if I invite them, right?", and I'm not sure how to handle it. 

Planning for 100% attendance, these people would put us over our preferred limit. However I'm sure that we'll have some declines. My inclination is to include these significant others and keep our fingers crossed. 

Thoughts? 

Edited for typos/clarity.

Re: Recent relationships may put us over our # limit

  • I would include the SOs and see if there's any way to make the dance floor smaller to accommodate the additional tables.
  • OjitosVerdesOjitosVerdes member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2013
    @KeptInStitches - the venue provides the dance floor, although it's a great idea to see if we could rent a smaller one. Although it would be an additional cost. 

    @scribe - breaking out of my "I really want to follow etiquette for my guests' sake" role for a second- OMG. I agree with you on the "how long could they have been dating?" sentiment. STDs went out in February, although I know that these new relationships are a month or two long max. (One in particular is just a few weeks old). I know that people can get really serious really fast and it's not my place to judge. But am I really required to accommodate every casual fling that my friends are having right now at $200+ a head??? 

    It's been a long day and I'm judgy and bitchy. Someone tell me to snap out of it. 

    And yes - lurkers/those getting ready to send STDs/etc. - only send STDs to your absolute VIPs. And give yourself a space cushion. Ugh. 
  • I like the idea of seeing if the dance floor can be made smaller.
    Also moving around the layout could help. Definitely ask the venue for suggestions.
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  • This may not be absolutely correct in terms of etiquette, BUT....my cut-off is when the invites went out. When you invited them, they were single. You invited a single person. They can't now change the terms of that invite.

    Yes, it's wonderful of you to want to invite your friends' SOs -- and yes, etiquette says you should -- but there are limits, even to that. You can't be expected to accommodate every request; it's just not possible. 

    You're not judging the seriousness of their relationship, you're saying, "hey, I made plans for this event already."

    But good luck!
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • On a related note, I have a friend who was single when invites went out and has now gone through 2 guys and is on #3 as of two days ago (she just has bad luck with guys...) but I invited her by herself. I don't know what etiquette would say I should do, but if she asks me if she can bring guy #3 I'm going to tell her yes (assuming they're still together on our wedding day). 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This may not be absolutely correct in terms of etiquette, BUT....my cut-off is when the invites went out. When you invited them, they were single. You invited a single person. They can't now change the terms of that invite.

    I have to agree with this. Yes, it would be lovely to invite everyone's SO if they got into a new relationship after the invites went out- but the guest list was made at the time of sending out invites and that guest list may be at the max for either budget or space. 

    I understand the benefit of a cushion, but is it fair, or should a B&G be expected to not invite a few people originally IN CASE a single friend/family member enters a new relationship? 

    However, OP, I think you are a bit stuck since you have not yet sent invites out yet and they now are in a relationship. Those SOs now become part of the guest list to be budgeted for.

    If you address the invite to the friend and include their SOs name on it, if the relationship did end, as I understand, that friend would now come by them self as the invite wasn't to friend +1, but two specific people- which would save you on the issue of a "fling". 
  • Good cautionary tale; I feel for you! Asking/begging the venue to rearrange the space is a good suggestion, but hopefully you'll just get those declines.
  • Our invites went out and I had a friend call with the same sentiments... She had been on three dates, and wanted to see whether she should invite him. Flame away, but I made a judgment call that 3 dates and not being even FB official did not make a relationship. I nicely said that we're having an extremely small wedding, and that I was sorry, but no. Well, now a month later, that guy is out and a new guy is in. I think that you need to be practical here... As long as they'll know other people, I think they're fine to be invited alone.
  • Although it would not be ideal in terms of conversation, is it possible to change the layout or types of tables used?  Maybe rather than multiple round tables of 8-10, you could line the sides of the room with rectangular banquet tables?  

    My son had to do this for his wedding.  They had to change their head table to a variation of a King's Table.  I felt rude having my back to some of the guests, but I could at least turn and visit with the surrounding tables during dinner.   As a guest, I would much prefer turning my chair to listen to toasts then not be a part of them at all.

    That said, I also don't think you can send out invitations to cover literally every contingency.  I have to agree with HGFriday and SP29 on a logical cut off point.  This is why both my daughter and son skipped STD's.  At their ages, relationship statuses change too quickly.
  • Yeah, this is tough. The lesson here is to only use save-the-dates for VIP guests, and not everyone on your potential guest list. You didn't do anything wrong, obviously, and I'm sorry this is happening!
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    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • Are you having a sweetheart table?  That can save space over having a head table. 
  • Our invites went out and I had a friend call with the same sentiments... She had been on three dates, and wanted to see whether she should invite him. Flame away, but I made a judgment call that 3 dates and not being even FB official did not make a relationship. I nicely said that we're having an extremely small wedding, and that I was sorry, but no. Well, now a month later, that guy is out and a new guy is in. I think that you need to be practical here... As long as they'll know other people, I think they're fine to be invited alone.

    While I somewhat agree with you on the 3 dates, I am not even officially married on FB so I would never use that as what qualifies as being in a relationship.
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  • Talk to venue about re-arranging things, if that can't be done, be honest, that assuming that everyone RSVPs yes, you are at  max capacity and there isn't room to add any guests. But you can offer that if you get any declines, you will let them know if they can bring their guest. I know it basically makes the guest a List B person, but it is what it is. Chances are you will get 2-3 declines, but I give you credit for knowing not to count on that either. It's not an ideal situation, but it's an option.

  • I totally understand the last minute relationship stuff. My uncle has broken up and gotten back together with the same woman twice already and while everyone in our family knows they're on "3rd times a charm" they haven't actually said anything other than they're just friends. Invites just went out and since they haven't said anything I kept his invite as "and guest." The part that bugs me is my uncle has 3 girls (who are invited) and she has 2. I won't get into how unfair I think it is for the kids to be back and forth like that, but I feel absolutely awful that I can't include her kids. I feel like I'm splitting up a family in a sense but we just can't accommodate 3 more adult seats (they won't eat a kids meals).

    phew. Feels good to get that out! lol.

    You're in a tricky situation. I would go over every possible way to fit everyone in the same room without it being too packed. Switch to rectangular tables? have a sweetheart table? Is there anyway the dance floor can be used as table space during dinner and then tables rearranged after dinner (not sure if that would work)? Move card/escort/guestbook/cake tables to another room? Move a photobooth if you have one?

    If there is absolutely no way to fit all the extra SO's comfortably then I'd be okay with not extending the invite to them since you're so close to the wedding itself. I wouldn't feel awesome about it but seriously, what else could you do if you've exhausted all efforts? It's not like you can just switch venues at this point. I agree with PP, there has to be a line somewhere.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • Thanks for the empathy and advice, everyone! My mom has actually heard from a handful of family members that are super excited to attend, and a few that have said they absolutely won't be able to make it. While I won't count on either until we see the RSVP cards, I think we'll probably be ok numbers wise. I am going to talk to the venue about a backup/alternate seating plan just in case, though. 

    @SP29 - the invites actually went out already and most people have received them. :( What is happening is that people in recent relationships that I didn't know about when the invite list went to the printer are calling and wanting to include their SOs. @acove2006 - yikes - you're in a tough situation too, but I agree - we have to draw a line somewhere!
  • I feel for ya girl! I had to tell my single friends that once the invites are out, there will be no extras added last minute, as we are already over what we originally wanted for the guest list. And all of them were super nice about it and understood, especially when I told them we are over our original 150.

    I would definitely talk to your venue and see if you can rearrange the tables to make it work in one room. Most places are super accommodating, especially if you aren't over the fire code.

    And remember, it is your wedding so if they got the invite when they were single, there was no way for you to know that they'd enter into a relationship before your wedding. My fiance went to several weddings solo because he got the invite before we started dating. It sucks but it wasn't our place to ask for a plus one. People should understand, especially when you're really nice about it :)
  • I'm bad, and I might get chewed out for this, but when I had several guests receive invites and ask if they could bring their kids/friends/nurses/new SOs, I waited a few days to respond until I received some noes. No one called me, and few people actually asked directly - most asked through our parents. So that middleman afforded me some extra time. And then 25% of our guest list RSVP'd no in the week after our RSVP date. Our families didn't understand the whole concept of RSVPing to something you can't come to.
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