MIL creating issue?

Re: MIL creating issue?

• allispain member

  

  September 2013

  I would find it very odd for your FI's mother to not attend her own son's wedding because she would rather stay home with the grandkids in order to cut back on costs.

  
  

  Just because you invite your FBIL's children does not mean that you need to invite any other children to the wedding. Personally, I think you really should invite them both - in fact, you need to invite the one that FSIL is breastfeeding because, well, she's breastfeeding.

  
  

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• introducingamrs

  

  September 2013

  Oops, I meant my future SIL would stay behind and watch her kids! At least, that's what MIL thinks.

  
  

  And if it matters, it's a day wedding in a garden - so not late or anything. 

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• Simply Fated member

  

  September 2013

  Your FMIL suggested that her daughter-in-law stays behind at home to watch the kids all weekend, while her husband attends the wedding? Did I get that right? If so...
  OP, put yourself in the daughter-in-law's shoes. How would you feel if your mother-in-law suggested this to you?
  
  This is not to say that all children should be invited. But it honestly sounds like FMIL is taking a pre-emptive strike against her daughter-in-law attending.
  
  Unless the "she" is the FMIL should stay behind, in which case that's just weird that she'd want to miss her son's wedding.

  
  

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• introducingamrs

  

  September 2013

  Oops, I meant my future SIL would stay behind and watch her kids! At least, that's what MIL thinks.

  
  

  And if it matters, it's a day wedding in a garden - so not late or anything. 

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• Simply Fated member

  

  September 2013

  Your FMIL suggested that her daughter-in-law stays behind at home to watch the kids all weekend, while her husband attends the wedding? Did I get that right? If so...
  OP, put yourself in the daughter-in-law's shoes. How would you feel if your mother-in-law suggested this to you?
  
  This is not to say that all children should be invited. But it honestly sounds like FMIL is taking a pre-emptive strike against her daughter-in-law attending.
  
  Unless the "she" is the FMIL should stay behind, in which case that's just weird that she'd want to miss her son's wedding.

  
  

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• allispain member

  

  September 2013

  introducingamrs said:

  Oops, I meant my future SIL would stay behind and watch her kids! At least, that's what MIL thinks.

  
  

  And if it matters, it's a day wedding in a garden - so not late or anything. 

  Ok, that makes more sense, but is still not a good idea in the least. Essentially, your FMIL is trying to make the decision for her DIL as to what she will do.

  
  

  My suggestion? Invite the BIL, his wife, and their children. BIL and Wife will then decide for themselves what they would like to do regarding getting a sitter, bringing the kids with them, etc. Two children (one of which is breastfeeding) are not going to break the bank. And like I said earlier, just because you invite these two kids does not mean you need to invite everyone else's kids. We're talking the nieces/nephews of the groom, who happen to also be the children of the best man. You can, and should, invite them - all their baby cousins, however, can be left off of their parents' invitations if that is what you and your FI choose to do.

  
  

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• arrippa member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  How nice of your FMIL to volunteer your FSIL to stay home and watcher her kids instead of going to your wedding <sarcasm font>

  You don't have to invite the kids but I think the suggestion by FMIL is wrong. Let the parents handle the kid situation.

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• daveANDkristen member

  

  September 2013

  Immediate family kids are a very common exception to otherwise child-free weddings.  It sounds to me like your MIL is not a fan of her daughter-in-law and thinks this would be a perfectly reasonable way to exclude her.  It would reflect badly on you and your FI if you don't invite FSIL.  And if I were you, I would invite their kids too.  You are within your rights not to, but if you want them there you should not leave them (the kids) out just because no other kids are invited.

  
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  September 2013

  No offense to your FMIL but this is illogical. Your FBIL has 2 kids. Two.
  
  A) two kids and their mother isn't going to "significantly cut your guest list".
  2) The 7 month old will probably sit on mom's lap and a lot of caterers won't charge for meals of kids 2 and under, so there's little to no cost savings.
  D) You invite whoever you want - unless they're paying for the wedding they get absolutely no say in this.
  
  Honestly, it sounds like your FMIL is trying to create what sounds like a super messy situation. I wouldn't play into it.

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• MobKaz member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  introducingamrs said:

  New here and newly engaged.

  
  

  We are getting married quickly, as in the next two months. My FI and I had dinner with my to-be in laws the other day to discuss the wedding. 

  
  

  Basically, she suggested not inviting my FI's brother's kids (he will be the best man) - to cut down the guest list because they have lots of baby cousins.

  
  

  It's not that I don't want kids there, but we are trying to keep the guest list to a minimum. This will be an out of town wedding for FI's brother's family so they will have to travel here. Their kids are young, baby will be 7 months old and they have a 2 year old. She is breastfeeding. 

  
  

  Is it obnoxious if I don't invite their kids to an out of town wedding? MIL suggested she stay behind to watch kids while future BIL comes to the wedding weekend. Will this cause problems with future SIL? 

  
  

  I've only met her and their kids once a couple of weeks ago - so it's not like I know her or have any kind of relationship with her. FI is indifferent to the entire situation and will back me up on what I want to do. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  It sounds like you have a potential problem with what seems to be a controlling MIL.  Your BIL AND his family are immediate family.  

  
  

  There are some assumptions that can be made.  One is that MIL does not like FSIL, and is using your wedding as a way to mess with FSIL.  You cannot let that happen.  I am shocked a grandmother doesn't want to use ANY reason to see her grandkids, especially if they live out of town.  Seems odd.  

  
  

  The other benefit-of-the-doubt scenario is that MIL does not realize that you can invite some children and not others.  In your case, you have the perfect rationale for inviting your BIL's children and no others; they are immediate family and mom is nursing.  

  
  

  I agree with PP's.  Send the invitation to the 4 of them and let them decide.  I would encourage you to let them know they are wanted and welcome.

  
  

  ETA....allispain must have been writing her response at the same time as I.  Didn't mean to almost duplicate her thoughts.

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  If I were your future sister-inlaw, and you didn't invite me to you wedding, I'd be pissed. Look at it from her point of view. I can't imagine not being invited to a family event. I cant imagine the groom's nieces and nephews being left off the guest list. Having those two, in no way, obligates you to invite any other children. Please don't take any advice from your future MIL.

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• introducingamrs

  

  September 2013

  Thanks ladies!

  
  

  I will of course invite FSIL. But if I don't invite her kids..that pretty much means I'm not "inviting" her, yes?

  
  

  Do parents leave their kids with babysitters in a different city for the weekend? Will they bring or hire a babysitter for the wedding? Does it make me a jerk?

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  September 2013

  Invite the best man's kids. He's the best man. You and your FI have chosen to put him in a position of honor.
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  September 2013

  I really think you should invite your FI's niece/nephew.  If they  have to travel there and she is breastfeeding, I think you should invite the children.

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  September 2013

  Really, you're not the jerk, it's your fiance. This is his wedding, too. He should extend the invitation to his family.

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• OjitosVerdes member

  

  September 2013

  daveANDkristen said:

  Immediate family kids are a very common exception to otherwise child-free weddings.  It sounds to me like your MIL is not a fan of her daughter-in-law and thinks this would be a perfectly reasonable way to exclude her.  It would reflect badly on you and your FI if you don't invite FSIL.  And if I were you, I would invite their kids too.  You are within your rights not to, but if you want them there you should not leave them (the kids) out just because no other kids are invited.

  Yup. On FI's side there are hoards of kids that we simply could not, and did not want to invite. However, we made an exception for our siblings' children, and nursing babies. Personally I feel like siblings' children that are also nursing should absolutely be invited, but you're within your rights to have a child-free wedding. That said, you can't exclude SIL. Simply address the invitation to your BIL & FSIL. And I wouldn't discuss the invite list with your MIL any more. 

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  September 2013

  Ditto PPs. At our wedding, the exception to the no-kids rule is (a) my nephew (2 years old); (b) FI's nephew (8 years old); and (c) my college roommate's infant (2 months old).

  
  

  We invited in circles, and there are cut-offs. I think your FMIL is being controlling, passive-aggressive, and rude. It's up to you and your FI to decide whether you want some/all children there. It's certainly acceptable to say, "no children beyond immediate family" and no one will side-eye that.

  
  

  Your FMIL has NO place volunteering your FSIL to stay home with the children. I would invite FBIL and FSIL WITH their kids and then let them decide what they want to do.

  
  

  But family and WP members always get special treatment -- such as being able to bring their kids when no one else does (as long as the B&G are OK with it).

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  September 2013

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  Ditto PPs. At our wedding, the exception to the no-kids rule is (a) my nephew (2 years old); (b) FI's nephew (8 years old); and (c) my college roommate's infant (2 months old).

  
  

  We invited in circles, and there are cut-offs. I think your FMIL is being controlling, passive-aggressive, and rude. It's up to you and your FI to decide whether you want some/all children there. It's certainly acceptable to say, "no children beyond immediate family" and no one will side-eye that.

  
  

  Your FMIL has NO place volunteering your FSIL to stay home with the children. I would invite FBIL and FSIL WITH their kids and then let them decide what they want to do.

  
  

  But family and WP members always get special treatment -- such as being able to bring their kids when no one else does (as long as the B&G are OK with it).

  
  I agree with HisGirl! Its the same for me. We said no kids with the exception of my nephew and his neice and nephew..I think immediate family should ALWAYS be the exception.

  

  
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  September 2013

  It's not like if you invite these two children you open the child floodgates. They an be the only ones you invite if you want. You aren't obligated to invite in circles, by age, or otherwise.
  
  My sister was my matron of honor. I had a child free wedding. If she had kids (she doesn't) I would have invited them. Absolutely. And I wouldn't have worried in the slightest about inviting anyone else's kids.

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• svc2014 member

  

  September 2013

  Dreamergirl8812 said:

  Invite the best man's kids. He's the best man. You and your FI have chosen to put him in a position of honor.
  

  Agreed.
  
  Does your FMIL not like the SIL?
  

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• SP29 member

  

  September 2013

  I highly doubt your FSIL would leave her kids (who are very young) alone with a sitter for a weekend. Particularly if she is breastfeeding- not that it *can't* be done, but that's a huge inconvenience for her. 

  
  

  Technically, you could not invite the niece and nephew, but you'd be running a high risk that FSIL would decline. 

  
  

  Just because you invite them does NOT mean you have to invite ANY other kid. 

  
  

  Anyways, children that young are usually free, so they aren't costing you anything by being there. 

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• Simply Fated member

  

  September 2013

  introducingamrs said:

  Thanks ladies!

  
  

  I will of course invite FSIL. But if I don't invite her kids..that pretty much means I'm not "inviting" her, yes?

  
  

  Do parents leave their kids with babysitters in a different city for the weekend? Will they bring or hire a babysitter for the wedding? Does it make me a jerk?

  Some parents will, it depends on what support system they have at home.
  Some might bring the kids with them for the weekend and get a baby-sitter just for the wedding. Maybe you can help with that? You aren't obligated to, of course, but if you happen to have any recommendations for them, it couldn't hurt.
  
  You're not a jerk.
  

  
  

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• Teddy917 member

  

  September 2013

  allispain said:

  I would find it very odd for your FI's mother to not attend her own son's wedding because she would rather stay home with the grandkids in order to cut back on costs.

  
  

  Just because you invite your FBIL's children does not mean that you need to invite any other children to the wedding. Personally, I think you really should invite them both - in fact, you need to invite the one that FSIL is breastfeeding because, well, she's breastfeeding.

  You don't NEED to invite a BF infant just because the mother made that choice. She made a choice to BF so she probably knows how to handle situations like this.
  

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• lc07 member

  

  September 2013

  These are your future nephews and nieces. I do not think this is the part to cut back on. I would absolutely without a doubt invite the entire family. These people will be in your life FOREVER. It's not worth insulting them.

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