HELP! Guest list issues. How can I say no without sounding like a bridezilla

TifaLove11 · September 2013

I have 2 dilemmas something similar to this (which is starting to freak me out)
Both my fiance and I both have big families. His is super close mine is not. (barely even know my cousins names if even the uncle or aunts) sad but true. We wanted just to have 100 people max.
First dilemma is When talking to my mom about who Id have to invite from the family (since they all talk) she said no one I don't since i dont see them anyhow but now shes changing her mind and seems the guest list is growing a bit more. How can I tell my mom no?

Second dilemma is my aunt with her child lives with my nina grandma. Me and my aunt never really got along. She a two face an always gives me dirty looks and tries to cause drama to make her daughter look better (I always kept my mouth shut for sake of my grammy but my mom knows it all) And she recently started drama that I can not forgive because it made my grandma cry and think that I hated her. The situation is that my grandma might not go if I dont invite my aunt OR my aunt and cousin will just assume and come along with her if I send an invite. I DO NOT want my aunt there to ruin my big day but I want my grandma there. HELP!! =(

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

Who's paying for the wedding?

Since your grandma was the one that was offended by your aunt, why no ask her what she prefers?

ShesSoCold · September 2013

Number one - who is paying? If you mom is paying, she gets a say in the guest list.

As far as the aunt, bite the bullet and invite her. It'll make your grandma happy and you'll be so busy with everything you'll see her for like a minute. You'll be so caught up in the moment you won't even notice her.

allispain · September 2013

TifaLove11 said:

I have 2 dilemmas something similar to this (which is starting to freak me out)
Both my fiance and I both have big families. His is super close mine is not. (barely even know my cousins names if even the uncle or aunts) sad but true. We wanted just to have 100 people max.
First dilemma is When talking to my mom about who Id have to invite from the family (since they all talk) she said no one I don't since i dont see them anyhow but now shes changing her mind and seems the guest list is growing a bit more. How can I tell my mom no?

Second dilemma is my aunt with her child lives with my nina grandma. Me and my aunt never really got along. She a two face an always gives me dirty looks and tries to cause drama to make her daughter look better (I always kept my mouth shut for sake of my grammy but my mom knows it all) And she recently started drama that I can not forgive because it made my grandma cry and think that I hated her. The situation is that my grandma might not go if I dont invite my aunt OR my aunt and cousin will just assume and come along with her if I send an invite. I DO NOT want my aunt there to ruin my big day but I want my grandma there. HELP!! =(

It really depends on who is paying for your wedding. If your mother is helping to pay for it, then she gets a say in the guest list. If she isn't and your and your FI are paying for the wedding yourselves, then you have complete control over who gets invited and who does not.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

It depends in part on who's paying (she who pays gets a say). It also depends on logistics. If your grandmother cannot/will not attend without her daughter (cannot = can't drive herself; will not = she just won't), then you have to bite the bullet and invite your aunt and cousin.

You can seat them at a different table, far away from you/your grandmother, and handle it that way. And remember you'll barely notice them anyway!

TifaLove11 · September 2013

My FI and I are the ones paying for mostly everything. My Soon to be mother in law is thrilled and said she help an mom said shed help some but wont state more than that.
My aunt making my grandma cry was for a whole dif thing but after that I wont even speak one weird to my aunt not even a glimpse at her but when I hear her voice it hits this bad nerve of mine. To where I even considered avoiding the whole situation by hiring a security guard to not let her in if she does just invite herself.

Im willing to let my mom have say on things cause I do want her involved. But even she agrees with me not having that particular aunt coming.

phira · September 2013

If your mom isn't paying, then you don't have to invite the people she wants you to invite.

The situation with your grandmother is tough, but in your shoes, I'd invite your grandmother and if your aunt and cousin RSVP, call and explain they were not invited. If they show up uninvited, have security.

TifaLove11 · September 2013

Well I had told her we will try to come to a compromise cause im looking over the guest list and my FL mom seems to have way more than mine.

Our wedding is going to be just at a venue and budget is around 5grand max. My mom is going to personally hand some of the invites or ask for addresses from my grandma (part of the deal of her inviting who she wants) So im hoping the whole my mom would help out with sayin why some certain people are not invited since.

I was also thinking would it be bad if I personally filled out the RSVP card myself on just my grandmas with her name only so they know its just for her?

phira · September 2013

Or you can do something like, "We have reserved __ space in your honor" on all the RSVP cards and then write the right number in there. Don't fill out the RSVP card for her--it's rude.

TifaLove11 · September 2013

thank you that sounds good. I just hoping my grandma does show up. I just didnt want to sound rude brat or bridezilla etc cause I just dont want her there.

Thank you all for the help I appreciate it very much! ^_^

phira · September 2013

No problem.

It's stressful knowing that family drama might cause people to decline an invitation. I'm estranged from my father, and I can't afford to invite his entire side of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins), nor would I. It's like ... "Hey, you're invited, but your brother/uncle/brother-in-law, who is the reason we're related, isn't!"

I will be inviting my paternal grandparents, but I'm prepared for them not to come because they don't approve of the estrangement.

TifaLove11 · September 2013

I agree its even harder when there is a small budget involved. Or when one person is close to the the person or people who arent invited then it becomes a big deal.

In my opinion a bride shouldnt have to pay for people she doesnt know or see and not invite the ones their in her life. Makes things harder for me cause Its hard for me to say no.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

phira said:

Or you can do something like, "We have reserved __ space in your honor" on all the RSVP cards and then write the right number in there. Don't fill out the RSVP card for her--it's rude.

Opps. I did this for suspect invitations. Now I know for next wedding...I have 3 kids. Thank you

RainDancer218 · September 2013

I had a similar issue at our wedding - my husband's family is huge, and his mother wanted to invite everyone she'd ever met. She offered to pay for her people, but we had space restrictions, and I didn't want to invite people I'd never met (honestly, if I had't met them in 8 years, did they really need to come?) So we made a list of all the possible guests, then my husband and I chose all the people were really cared about inviting. We let her choose the rest with the agreement she would pay for them. So she had to choose about 15 from her list of 50. That worked for us - maybe some type of compromise will work for you. In our situation, the "who's paying" rule wasn't going to fly without hurting mucho feelings. As for the aunt/grandma, invite both, unless you seriously believe someone will make a scene at the wedding. (We opted not to include one set of aunt/uncle who had recently had a serious problem with my husband's parents because I was sure they would have it out at the wedding and wanted to avoid this kind of disaster. But we caught a lot of hell for it from them and from other family members.) Every family has people who don't get along. Don't use your wedding as a method to take sides; you don't need that kind of drama when you have all the other stresses of wedding planning. Seating them apart should do the trick.

TifaLove11 · September 2013

its not my grandma and my aunt that has the problem its me and my aunt. I wouldnt really get hell for not inviting her since like I said I never really see my moms side of the family. So let them talk as long as im happy on my big day without a nerve striking or shit talkin at the wedding (which shed due if she was there, shes not very quiet) I would be afraid of her sayin something during the ceremony just to ruin it.

only bad thing that comes to not inviting her is 1)my grandma wont show up or 2)she crashed it...which will make me get bridezilla on the big day.

How much I despise her is more than fruit punch, red wine, chocolate, or my dress ripping (or all together) the day of wedding before pictures. its that much hate between my aunt and I

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

TifaLove11 said:

Well I had told her we will try to come to a compromise cause im looking over the guest list and my FL mom seems to have way more than mine. This doesn't matter. You invite the people you're close with. It makes no sense to split the guest list 50/50 if you aren't close to 50 people. You'll end up filling spaces with people you don't care about whereas your FI will end up cutting people he DOES care about.

Our wedding is going to be just at a venue and budget is around 5grand max. My mom is going to personally hand some of the invites or ask for addresses from my grandma (part of the deal of her inviting who she wants) So im hoping the whole my mom would help out with sayin why some certain people are not invited since.

I was also thinking would it be bad if I personally filled out the RSVP card myself on just my grandmas with her name only so they know its just for her? I'd just do "1 seat has been reserved in your honor"

TifaLove11 · September 2013

thanks to all of you. I think Im going to go with the writing on the rsvp for my grandma stating its only one seat reserved. Along with what I was going to put before just the number total of guests. (which I was planning on doing to everyones so its not rude) it keeps from people bringing extras an gives them a chance to call first to ask so we can explain to them we cant afford it

flicdabic77 · September 2013

My aunt has been addicted to pain pills for as long as I can remember....she has some good days, and some bad drooling, can't walk straight or follow a simple conversation days. Needless to say, she is not invited to my wedding! She did not receive an invitation and I have told her twice (as nicely as I could) that the "guest list was really tight". She still went out and bought a dress for the wedding! My grandmother was very upset when I told the rest of the family that I straight up don't want her there. I didn't want to make my grandmother unhappy, but in the end, I have to do what's best for me and I'm not trying to spend one of the most hectic, happiest days of my life making sure one person is behaving right!

TifaLove11 · September 2013

@flicdabic77 I agree with you.

HELP! Guest list issues. How can I say no without sounding like a bridezilla

Re: HELP! Guest list issues. How can I say no without sounding like a bridezilla

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