Divorced Parents - HELP!

ceohlhauser · September 2013

Hello Brides!

I am seeking some advice. We are having a very small wedding (around 30 guests). A couple years ago my Dad packed his bags and left my mom when she was out for the night. She was completely blindsided. Now he has a girlfriend of about a year that he lives with, and my mom is still single.

My question is, do I have to invite my Dad's new girlfriend? I know it will be hard enough for my mom to be in the same room as just my Dad, it would probably crush her to have to see his girlfriend.

I have talked to my mom about it and she asks that I don't invite her, however I have met the gf a few times and I don't want to be rude.

Please let me know your thoughts!

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Yes you have to invite your Dad's girlfriend. They are a social unit so it would be rude to exclude her.

I am sorry that your parents are divorcing but your Mom is just going to have to suck it up for one night.

itzMS · September 2013

ceohlhauser said:

Hello Brides!
I am seeking some advice. We are having a very small wedding (around 30 guests). A couple years ago my Dad packed his bags and left my mom when she was out for the night. She was completely blindsided. Now he has a girlfriend of about a year that he lives with, and my mom is still single.

My question is, do I have to invite my Dad's new girlfriend? I know it will be hard enough for my mom to be in the same room as just my Dad, it would probably crush her to have to see his girlfriend.

I have talked to my mom about it and she asks that I don't invite her, however I have met the gf a few times and I don't want to be rude.

Please let me know your thoughts!

You really don't have a choice but to invite your dad's girlfriend. You can invite your mom with a guest, if it would make her feel less self-concious.

My DH's parents are bitterly, bitterly divorced, and they were able to manage being in the same room for our wedding. They can be adults and handle it for a few hours.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

It absolutely sucks, but yes, you need to invite her. To not do so is very rude. It's been a couple years, so it's time to move on.

arrippa · September 2013

Sorry but you do have to invite dad's gf since they are a social unit. Your mom is an adult and she should be able to act like one for the night. I like the idea of giving her a plus one so she can invite a guest.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

I'm so sorry to hear that your family is going through this. It must be really hard.

Unfortunately, your dad's gf needs to be invited. If your mom had a boyfriend, he would need to be invited also. Perhaps your dad anticipates this hurt and he will attend solo.

FutureMrsN3312 · September 2013

Maggie0829 said:

Yes you have to invite your Dad's girlfriend. They are a social unit so it would be rude to exclude her.

I am sorry that your parents are divorcing but your Mom is just going to have to suck it up for one night.

Exactly this...

FutureMrsN3312 · September 2013

Maggie0829 said:

Yes you have to invite your Dad's girlfriend. They are a social unit so it would be rude to exclude her.

I am sorry that your parents are divorcing but your Mom is just going to have to suck it up for one night.

Exactly this...

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

Ditto PP, I would encourage your mom to bring a friend with her to the wedding for some moral support, if you think it would be needed.

ls3475 · September 2013

As a product of divorced parents, I get your diliemna. Luckily my mom said ofcourse inivite dad and his mail order bride. Yes, he got himself a mail order bride.

My mom says everyone knows what is going on, she'll be as gracious as possible. She is hurt by my dad's actions but she says, she needs to show the world she is better than that.

So tell your mom, it only makes her look good to be there and be civil. Best Wishes.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

Why would you invite your Dad without the GF? He's the jerk who walked out on his marriage, not her. Yes. You must invite both, or neither.

phira · September 2013

You do have to invite your dad's girlfriend if you invite your dad. It's very rude not to.

It's one day, and it's supposed to be YOUR day. I'm not a fan of brides and grooms who are so self-absorbed about THEIR SPECIAL DAY that they trounce all over everyone, but in this case, you are not inviting your dad's girlfriend AT your mom. You need to respect your dad's decision, and your mom can deal with it for one day.

Just make sure they don't have to sit near each other.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

You only have to invite your dad's GF if you invite your father. If you don't invite him, you don't have to invite her. But if you do invite him, you do have to invite her.

Agree with PPs; seat them far away from each other, make sure your mother has a good support system (maybe let her have a plus-one of a special friend, male or female, who could provide moral support?), and trust everyone to act like adults for you on your day.

delujm0 · September 2013

you have to trust that your parents can act like adults on your behalf for the night. if they can't, elope.

my dad is now married to the woman he cheated on my mom with. he and my mom are cordial, but mom has never met his new wife. she will meet her for the first time at my wedding. she doens't want her to be there, but understands that it is the right thing to do. she will act like an adult and not make a scene. i actually offered her a plus one, and she didn't want one. her entire family will be there. everything will be fine.

allispain · September 2013

You need to invite his new girlfriend if you are inviting him. No if, ands, or buts.

My dad is now married to his ex-secretary, for whom he left my mother. I was against inviting his new wife to the wedding, but my mom was the one who was pushing for me to be the bigger person and invite her. I did, and both my dad and his new wife declined attending. My mom came with her new boyfriend and had a blast (she met him about 3 months before the wedding - when we were making the guest list she was single). Had my dad and his wife attended, he would have worn a corsage and she would have been given a nose gay just like the other moms and dads would have have (DH's parents are divorced as well, so we would have had 4 sets of parents processing). Was I thrilled about the idea? No. Was my mom excited that she might see this woman there? No. Did my sister think of making it into some sort of strange familial drinking game? Yes. Since they declined, however, it ended up being a non-issue, and I can feel good about having reached out to them in that fashion.

Also, I would just like to say, it's comforting to know that so many PPs have similar family stories. I swear, when my dad dropped the divorce bomb in my family, I felt like I was the only person my age who has to deal with this. Everyone else I know whose parents divorced did it when they were young - not almost 30.

smalfrie19 · September 2013

allispain said:

You need to invite his new girlfriend if you are inviting him. No if, ands, or buts.

My dad is now married to his ex-secretary, for whom he left my mother. I was against inviting his new wife to the wedding, but my mom was the one who was pushing for me to be the bigger person and invite her. I did, and both my dad and his new wife declined attending. My mom came with her new boyfriend and had a blast (she met him about 3 months before the wedding - when we were making the guest list she was single). Had my dad and his wife attended, he would have worn a corsage and she would have been given a nose gay just like the other moms and dads would have have (DH's parents are divorced as well, so we would have had 4 sets of parents processing). Was I thrilled about the idea? No. Was my mom excited that she might see this woman there? No. Did my sister think of making it into some sort of strange familial drinking game? Yes. Since they declined, however, it ended up being a non-issue, and I can feel good about having reached out to them in that fashion.

Also, I would just like to say, it's comforting to know that so many PPs have similar family stories. I swear, when my dad dropped the divorce bomb in my family, I felt like I was the only person my age who has to deal with this. Everyone else I know whose parents divorced did it when they were young - not almost 30.

And what, pray tell, were the rules of said drinking game?!?!

KickAssMOH · September 2013

For a follow up to the OP, I have a similar question.... Say you go along with rules and invite the SO of the divorced dad, do you then need to honor them with a nosegay or corsage or similar? We have 3 living parents each bringing a spouse/partner to the wedding, and had planned on treating the SO's all the same; with no honor, no mention, no procession, no introduction, no corsage, etc. Is that a bad idea? Should I make FI suck it up and honor his step mother who he extremely dislikes?

allispain · September 2013

KickAssMOH said:

For a follow up to the OP, I have a similar question.... Say you go along with rules and invite the SO of the divorced dad, do you then need to honor them with a nosegay or corsage or similar? We have 3 living parents each bringing a spouse/partner to the wedding, and had planned on treating the SO's all the same; with no honor, no mention, no procession, no introduction, no corsage, etc. Is that a bad idea? Should I make FI suck it up and honor his step mother who he extremely dislikes?

We gave my mom, DH's mom, and DH's stepmom nosegays. My dad's wife would have gotten one too had she come (not because I wanted her to, but because it was the right thing to do). DH's dad and stepdad both got boutonnieres and my dad would have as well. However, my mom's BF did not get one. He did process down the aisle with her as her escort.

We didn't do any introductions or have programs so didn't have to worry about that.

allispain · September 2013

smalfrie19 said:

allispain said:

You need to invite his new girlfriend if you are inviting him. No if, ands, or buts.

My dad is now married to his ex-secretary, for whom he left my mother. I was against inviting his new wife to the wedding, but my mom was the one who was pushing for me to be the bigger person and invite her. I did, and both my dad and his new wife declined attending. My mom came with her new boyfriend and had a blast (she met him about 3 months before the wedding - when we were making the guest list she was single). Had my dad and his wife attended, he would have worn a corsage and she would have been given a nose gay just like the other moms and dads would have have (DH's parents are divorced as well, so we would have had 4 sets of parents processing). Was I thrilled about the idea? No. Was my mom excited that she might see this woman there? No. Did my sister think of making it into some sort of strange familial drinking game? Yes. Since they declined, however, it ended up being a non-issue, and I can feel good about having reached out to them in that fashion.

Also, I would just like to say, it's comforting to know that so many PPs have similar family stories. I swear, when my dad dropped the divorce bomb in my family, I felt like I was the only person my age who has to deal with this. Everyone else I know whose parents divorced did it when they were young - not almost 30.
And what, pray tell, were the rules of said drinking game?!?!

Haha I believe it was something along the lines of taking a sip every time you witness one of mom's friends or family members awkwardly conversing with dad and/or his wife.

WildMagelet · September 2013

KickAssMOH said:

For a follow up to the OP, I have a similar question.... Say you go along with rules and invite the SO of the divorced dad, do you then need to honor them with a nosegay or corsage or similar? We have 3 living parents each bringing a spouse/partner to the wedding, and had planned on treating the SO's all the same; with no honor, no mention, no procession, no introduction, no corsage, etc. Is that a bad idea? Should I make FI suck it up and honor his step mother who he extremely dislikes?

Personally I am planning on corsages & bouts for step-parents, but FI & I have amiable relationships with our stepparents and wouldn't dream of not doing so.

I do think you are smart to treat them all equally as to avoid hurt feelings over being left out. I think the important question you need to ask yourself is it worth potentially hurting the feelings of members of all 3 couples just because of a poor relationship with one individual? In my case I would answer no and honoring all of them with flowers so I could honor those I am close with would be more important to me than specifically excluding all of them so I didn't have to honor one person in the group.

Divorced Parents - HELP!

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