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Bridesmaid Dresses & Issue

mscearcemscearce member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am a little under 8 months till the big day :) I have my dress, venue, cake, photographer, flowers, two special items and a few little things all taken care of.  We got engaged almost a year ago and I chose my bridesmaids and MOH in January while finishing my last semester of college.  The issue: One of my bridesmaids I have barely talked to much since I moved away in May, well actually we haven't been "best friends" like we were for three years since about March since she got obsessed with a current boyfriend (and I am so happy she is happy) The problem is I have gone above and beyond to keep communication, gone to visit mutual friends and she ditches everyone to go to see him, and broke promises of coming to visit me where I live now due to "her boyfriend did not want her to drive 3 hours" to see me.  To mix it all up even more I have a new friend that I have known for about a year but we have clicked right away and are super close since I have moved and I would love to have her in our wedding, but I already chose everyone in Jan. Part of me wants to replace the bridesmaid with my friend from home because I honestly do not know if I can trust her.  I can keep going but it's so much confusion.  I just do not know what to do about her and I need to figure it out asap, any advice on removing someone from the bridal party and putting someone else in new?

Also Bridesmaid Dresses :
No where out of 4 different states where myself and my girls live carry the dresses I LOVE in the store, though can order it.  Is it save to be measured and then order the dresses if you love them online?

Thanks for future help :) 
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Re: Bridesmaid Dresses & Issue

  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    I am a little under 8 months till the big day :) I have my dress, venue, cake, photographer, flowers, two special items and a few little things all taken care of.  We got engaged almost a year ago and I chose my bridesmaids and MOH in January while finishing my last semester of college.  The issue: One of my bridesmaids I have barely talked to much since I moved away in May, well actually we haven't been "best friends" like we were for three years since about March since she got obsessed with a current boyfriend (and I am so happy she is happy) The problem is I have gone above and beyond to keep communication, gone to visit mutual friends and she ditches everyone to go to see him, and broke promises of coming to visit me where I live now due to "her boyfriend did not want her to drive 3 hours" to see me.  To mix it all up even more I have a new friend that I have known for about a year but we have clicked right away and are super close since I have moved and I would love to have her in our wedding, but I already chose everyone in Jan. Part of me wants to replace the bridesmaid with my friend from home because I honestly do not know if I can trust her.  I can keep going but it's so much confusion.  I just do not know what to do about her and I need to figure it out asap, any advice on removing someone from the bridal party and putting someone else in new?

    Also Bridesmaid Dresses :
    No where out of 4 different states where myself and my girls live carry the dresses I LOVE in the store, though can order it.  Is it save to be measured and then order the dresses if you love them online?

    Thanks for future help :) 


    It sounds like your old friend is just wrapped up in a new relatioship.  Some people get flaky for a while.  If you value your friendship with her just wait it out and hope that she returns to normal.

    If you want to ask your new friend to be a Bridemaid, go ahead.  You can just add her in addition to the other girls you have already asked.  You should not un-ask the old friend though.  If she completely loses contacts with you then she most likely will remove herself anyway.  But if you ask her to step down it will almost certainly be a friendship ender.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    malloryanne09 said:

    I am a little under 8 months till the big day :) I have my dress, venue, cake, photographer, flowers, two special items and a few little things all taken care of.  We got engaged almost a year ago and I chose my bridesmaids and MOH in January while finishing my last semester of college.  The issue: One of my bridesmaids I have barely talked to much since I moved away in May, well actually we haven't been "best friends" like we were for three years since about March since she got obsessed with a current boyfriend (and I am so happy she is happy) The problem is I have gone above and beyond to keep communication, gone to visit mutual friends and she ditches everyone to go to see him, and broke promises of coming to visit me where I live now due to "her boyfriend did not want her to drive 3 hours" to see me.  To mix it all up even more I have a new friend that I have known for about a year but we have clicked right away and are super close since I have moved and I would love to have her in our wedding, but I already chose everyone in Jan. Part of me wants to replace the bridesmaid with my friend from home because I honestly do not know if I can trust her.  I can keep going but it's so much confusion.  I just do not know what to do about her and I need to figure it out asap, any advice on removing someone from the bridal party and putting someone else in new?


    Also Bridesmaid Dresses :
    No where out of 4 different states where myself and my girls live carry the dresses I LOVE in the store, though can order it.  Is it save to be measured and then order the dresses if you love them online?

    Thanks for future help :) 
    Translation: I want to kick my current BM our and replace her with a new friend. Please don't do this. It's insulting to everyone involved.

    I had BMs in 3 different states. They all ordered Ann Taylor dresses online.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Sorry, as for the dresses, what is the company's return policy?
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Do not replace or kick out your friend.  It is rude and hurtful.  Let her know how you feel about her being flaky and work on the friendship.

    If you would like to include this new girl that is fine, but don't use her as a replacement.

    As for the BM dresses.  I personally wouldn't want to buy a dress online, especially a BM dress, if I hadn't had a chance to try it on first.  What happens if you hate the way it looks when it comes in? Also, what do your BMs think about the dress?  Do they like it?  Is it in their budget? 

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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In regards to the dresses, you can just give your BMs a color and fabric to stick to and let them pick out their own dresses.   Another option is to order according to the measurements, but always go with the size associated with largest measurement size not the smallest.  You'll probably have to have alterations on top of that, too.
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  • ampenickampenick member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In terms of the bridesmaids dresses, that's exactly what we had to do.  I found an Alfred Sung dress that I loved online, but they either didn't have a sample in a nearby store or the sample size was too small.  Since all of my bridesmaids live in very different locations, I just decided that this was the dress I wanted and told all my girls just to get measured and send them into the bridal store that will be ordering the dresses.  Also, a piece of advice, I would make sure all the dresses are ordered at the same time and from the same store to make sure that the colors will match exactly.  Sometimes, the colors may vary slightly from fabric spool to spool, so by placing the order all at once, you have the best chance that they will all be the same.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited September 2013

    I had bridesmaids in 4 different states. Similar to a PP, we ordered from JCrew and had no issues. Returns (in the 1 case where a girl ordered a size too small, wishful thinking she'd lose weight) were a breeze.

    I'd be careful with actual bridal salon/bridesmaids lines and ordering without trying on. Some go off of the same bizzare sizing as bridal dresses. For example, I'm a 6 in every other article of clothing...but have to wear an 8 or 10 in "bridesmaid" (depending on the designer).  JCrew and Ann Taylor aren't like this...they're "true" to size.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In terms of the bridesmaids dresses, that's exactly what we had to do.  I found an Alfred Sung dress that I loved online, but they either didn't have a sample in a nearby store or the sample size was too small.  Since all of my bridesmaids live in very different locations, I just decided that this was the dress I wanted and told all my girls just to get measured and send them into the bridal store that will be ordering the dresses.  Also, a piece of advice, I would make sure all the dresses are ordered at the same time and from the same store to make sure that the colors will match exactly.  Sometimes, the colors may vary slightly from fabric spool to spool, so by placing the order all at once, you have the best chance that they will all be the same.
    This really isn't true any more.  I have been a part of a few wedding parties and each time all the girls have ordered their dresses from different stores and at different times.  Never once was the color slightly off.  Shops mainly tell you this so that they can be guaranteed the order by all of the girls thus making them more money.

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  • LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    You current friend is wrapped up in her own relationship and although that can suck, she isn't doing anything wrong. You can't kick her out or replace her without ending the relationship and looking pretty bad yourself. Since your new friendship has blossomed since you asked your wp, just explain that to her and you couldn't imagine her not standing up there with you and ask her to be a BM too. No replacing!

    As for the dresses my bms were all out of state and we just picked a dress at DB that was in their budgets and they could go to their local one to order it. Similarly I was the only OOT BM in a wedding in May. The bride told the local boutique our names so they could apply the % off discount since she bought her dress there. I just went to a bridal shop that carried the bill levik (?) line near me to get measured against their chart and then phoned in my dress order. Nbd

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    ampenick said:
    In terms of the bridesmaids dresses, that's exactly what we had to do.  I found an Alfred Sung dress that I loved online, but they either didn't have a sample in a nearby store or the sample size was too small.  Since all of my bridesmaids live in very different locations, I just decided that this was the dress I wanted and told all my girls just to get measured and send them into the bridal store that will be ordering the dresses.  Also, a piece of advice, I would make sure all the dresses are ordered at the same time and from the same store to make sure that the colors will match exactly.  Sometimes, the colors may vary slightly from fabric spool to spool, so by placing the order all at once, you have the best chance that they will all be the same.
    This isn't true, and there is no guarantee even if you order them at the same time from the same location that they'll be from the exact same dye lot. 



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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    Is there a similar dress carried anywhere? That might you an idea of the fit and shape on all your girls. As for the color/dye lot, all that is done by computer anymore to make it precise, so there is rarely a problem ordering from different stores at different times.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    ampenick said:
    In terms of the bridesmaids dresses, that's exactly what we had to do.  I found an Alfred Sung dress that I loved online, but they either didn't have a sample in a nearby store or the sample size was too small.  Since all of my bridesmaids live in very different locations, I just decided that this was the dress I wanted and told all my girls just to get measured and send them into the bridal store that will be ordering the dresses.  Also, a piece of advice, I would make sure all the dresses are ordered at the same time and from the same store to make sure that the colors will match exactly.  Sometimes, the colors may vary slightly from fabric spool to spool, so by placing the order all at once, you have the best chance that they will all be the same.


    Be wary of Alfred Sung...I also loved his dresses online, but I brought my most difficult to fit BM (very petite) to a bridal salon to try a few on, and they all looked TERRIBLE.  The skirts literally ate her alive.  I would hesitate to order bridal salon lines without at least someone trying it on for you first.

     

    I wanted everyone in the same color and fabric but different style - so we went with J Crew.  2 BMs lived close to stores that had Bridal in stock, so they went and tried on several styles before ordering one.  The other 2 BMs ordered a bunch of styles and sizes online and then returned the ones they didn't want to a local store.  Couldn't have been easier, and they frequently have 25% off online purchases, so everyone got a discount as well.

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  • Salsera29Salsera29 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with @Maggie0829...I have been in 5 weddings. All had BM dresses ordered from different stores, and all came out exactly the same. Don't buy the "dye lot" line. Ordering online without trying them on is risky, personally I wouldn't do it. 

    You shouldn't ask your friend to "step down" unless you are prepared to end the friendship. It doesn't sound like that's what you want, so leave it alone. I think 8 months out you could ask your new friend if you want. 
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  • mscearcemscearce member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    To add on to the Bridesmaid issue, she has also not shown or contacted about anything involving the wedding.  When my MOH contacted her about dress options she never responded and there has been very little communication for four months.  It's not that I want to replace her its that I can't count on her to even be there.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    To add on to the Bridesmaid issue, she has also not shown or contacted about anything involving the wedding.  When my MOH contacted her about dress options she never responded and there has been very little communication for four months.  It's not that I want to replace her its that I can't count on her to even be there.


    Whichever dress you decide on, send her the ordering information as well as the actual last date that it can be ordered.  If she doesn't order the dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding.  If she orders the dress but then doesn't show up at the wedding, the show will go on. 

    I do understand that her behavior is frustrating.  Try to focus on other things and keep in mind that a lot can change in 8 months.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    To add on to the Bridesmaid issue, she has also not shown or contacted about anything involving the wedding.  When my MOH contacted her about dress options she never responded and there has been very little communication for four months.  It's not that I want to replace her its that I can't count on her to even be there.
    But her only requirement is to show up on time at your wedding in the dress that was decided on. Some people aren't into the whole wedding thing.  It sounds like she is in la-la love land with her new boyfriend.  Give her some slack.  Do not hold the fact that she isn't super interested in your wedding against her.  She doesn't have to be.

    Leave the wedding out of it and talk to her as a friend.  Leave her a voicemail and tell her that you miss speaking with her and to please have her call you.  Hopefully she will call you. Tell her you are bothered by the lack of communication recently and that you want to work to get the friendship back to where it was.  But whatever you do, do not mention your wedding or her lack of involvement.  You have a friend issue not a wedding issue. 

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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Your very best mantra will be "No one will ever be as excited about my wedding as I am." From your point of view, your wedding is your whole world; from hers, it's an event. Plus some people aren't into weddings. Also, with 8 months to go, she could conceivably lose or gain a bunch of weight or get pregnant. I'd let the dress go for a few more months and work on the friendship instead.
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  • mscearcemscearce member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Been there and done that. She was beyond interested till April.  Now it's fighting to even get her to talk and when she does talk it is about her bf and she is also pissed that her bf is not a "goomsmen"

    All my other girls also want her out so I am having more stress from this than any other part of planning
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    To add on to the Bridesmaid issue, she has also not shown or contacted about anything involving the wedding.  When my MOH contacted her about dress options she never responded and there has been very little communication for four months.  It's not that I want to replace her its that I can't count on her to even be there.


    Your BM doesnt have ant tasks or responsiblities other than showing up semi sober on your wedding day, in the dress and smile. Everything else is a bonus and should not be expected.

    Have you tried talking to her to make sure everything is okay?

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Been there and done that. She was beyond interested till April.  Now it's fighting to even get her to talk and when she does talk it is about her bf and she is also pissed that her bf is not a "goomsmen"

    All my other girls also want her out so I am having more stress from this than any other part of planning
    Is she usually like this when she gets into a new relationship?  H and I have a friend who is all about hanging out all the time, until he starts seeing someone and then he disappears off the face of the earth for a few months.

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  • mscearcemscearce member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Yes, she is wonderful and I have gone above and beyond to be there for her and the second she moved she never contacted a single person again, her old friend from where she is from went through the same thing and they now never speak because she is the type to only communicate if you go out of your way to get to her.  I just want everything to be perfect just like every other person planning their day and its hard.  I have everyone one my case about her to from grooms side to my girls to my family.
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  • LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
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    Why is your moh contacting her about the dress? You should do that. Give her the info and if she doesn't buy it then she isn't a BM. Leave the rest if the wp out if it and if they try to tell you to kick her out tell them it isn't their business.

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    Yes, she is wonderful and I have gone above and beyond to be there for her and the second she moved she never contacted a single person again, her old friend from where she is from went through the same thing and they now never speak because she is the type to only communicate if you go out of your way to get to her.  I just want everything to be perfect just like every other person planning their day and its hard.  I have everyone one my case about her to from grooms side to my girls to my family.
    Why?  Your friendship with this person is none of their business.



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  • mscearcemscearce member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    My MOH is handling the dresses for me as help and we all went to school together and we have not talked to her anymore lately.
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  • LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I really don't think there is much to handle but whatever. If she has the dress info then it is up to her to but it.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    My MOH is handling the dresses for me as help and we all went to school together and we have not talked to her anymore lately.
    I think this is a bad idea.  You are the bride so you should be handling everything wedding related.  I now your MOH wants to help but this is something that you should be doing.  If your MOH wants to help you out then give her tasks that don't involve her having to be the "bad guy".

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I'll be honest, this sounds like high-school drama. Where a girl gets a boyfriend, kind of ditches her friends and her friends all form an alliance against her. Except transplant that situation 10 years later and with a wedding instead of kicking her out of you prom group. 

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    malloryanne09 said:
    My MOH is handling the dresses for me as help and we all went to school together and we have not talked to her anymore lately.
    What does this mean?



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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Viczaesar said:
    malloryanne09 said:
    My MOH is handling the dresses for me as help and we all went to school together and we have not talked to her anymore lately.
    What does this mean?
    I guess it means that she doesn't have time to deal with it so her MOH was appointed as "BM dress ring leader".

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