XP : discrimination / controlling

lizandmark2014 · September 2013

Has anyone else dealt with a controlling contributor who wants only certain people in attendance? ( no gay/ lesbians/ "lazy people" )

monkeysip · September 2013

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to invite, but I wouldn't let my parents dictate who I could invite based just on that person's gay marriage.

I mean, regardless of your views on gay marriage, it's just hurtful to purposefully not invite someone for that reason alone. If you can't invite extended family because of budget/space, that's different. But if that one family member is going to be left out because they're in a gay relationship, that's going to be hurtful and cause unnecessary drama. It's not like this person is going to be walking around your wedding shouting their beliefs on gay marriage. The wedding is about your marriage, not theirs.

This is when it becomes a big problem to let someone else pay for your wedding. If they're going to be discriminate on unjust grounds, then I'd refuse their money and pay for/plan my own wedding.

Also, what does "lazy people" mean? Like, family members that they deem "lazy"? Why on earth would that be an issue in whether they get invited to your wedding? Are guests expected to work at this wedding?

JoanE2012 · September 2013

lizandmark2014 said:

Has anyone else dealt with a controlling contributor who wants only certain people in attendance? ( no gay/ lesbians/ "lazy people" )

Decline their contribution. Problem solved.

RebeccaB88 · September 2013

Most of the real 'country people' I know work way harder than almost anyone else I know. They're farmers and ranchers, and the work is never done. So I don't get how being 'country' means being lazy. Unless they're speaking of those people in this world who are able to but refuse to work and expect others to meet their needs for them, and those people live all over the place, not just outside of a city or town.

OP, are you trying to politely explain that these people are publicly racist and expect others to abide by their bigotry? If so, I would decline all offers of help (financial and otherwise) and pay for what you want yourself, so YOU can decide who you want to invite.

NYCBruin · September 2013

It sounds like you have declined the money, so stop talking to them about wedding planning!!

And maybe consider cutting them from the guest list if you think they would vocalize their hateful views at your wedding.

chibiyui · September 2013

Ah...I'd like to see this answered as well............. FI's parents are largely contributing and do not want a family member of theirs invited because now that gay marriage is legal in MD she's apparently "flaunting" being a lesbian. I don't want to cause strife, and since it's FI's family he should be the one to talk to them. Neither of us like it, though FI is......pragmatic is the nicest way to put it, that it does mean one less guest since we're getting close to max limit, and his parents want to add more people.

AddieCake · September 2013

Hahahaha! I'd love to see their criteria for what constitutes a lazy person.

lizandmark2014 · September 2013

"Lazy" is my nice way for me to say what this person thinks of other stereotypes ( I'll be blunt, Latinos, African Americans, and country folk.)

lizandmark2014 · September 2013

This person knows they have NO control over who guests bring as their plus one, but In the back of their mind I know they want to. ( I think their thought is DUMB !!!!)
I have invited family and with the space left my FI friends and a few of my friends; some of witch fit the gay/ lesbian, "lazy people" criteria.
I know my gay/ lesbian guests well enough that they are polite enough to not have their tungs down each other's throats. I invited my friends that fit the criteria anyway. My opinion is I am an adult, you are an adult, so are my friends; there are things in life that you are not going to like tough cookies. You can not choose MY friends or their guest.
Enough of this persons family and friends will be in attendance that they can choose to mingle with them instead of my friends if they wish.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

lizandmark2014 said:

"Lazy" is my nice way for me to say what this person thinks of other stereotypes ( I'll be blunt, Latinos, African Americans, and country folk.)

lizandmark2014 said:

This person knows they have NO control over who guests bring as their plus one, but In the back of their mind I know they want to. ( I think their thought is DUMB !!!!) I have invited family and with the space left my FI friends and a few of my friends; some of witch fit the gay/ lesbian, "lazy people" criteria. I know my gay/ lesbian guests well enough that they are polite enough to not have their tungs down each other's throats. I invited my friends that fit the criteria anyway. My opinion is I am an adult, you are an adult, so are my friends; there are things in life that you are not going to like tough cookies. You can not choose MY friends or their guest. Enough of this persons family and friends will be in attendance that they can choose to mingle with them instead of my friends if they wish.

I'm really struggling here. Has this person said anything to you, or, is this your impression of what's in "the back of their mind"?

WonderRed · September 2013

Wait, country folk are lazy? What the what? Not that I"m focusing on that one alone because I agree with the others.. I've just heard that sterotype spewed over the other groups you mentioned but the country thing is throwing me off. So, just trying to wrap my brain around this, unless you're a white, city dwelling, type A personality does that mean you're just a slacker? A good portion of my dad's side of the family are "country folk" farmers and they damn well work harder than anyone I've ever met in my life. For the life of me I just can't fathom how miserable it must be to be a person who is so filled with hatred and that kind of judgement day in, day out. It has to be utterly exhausting to be that terrified of anything outside your neatly packaged box all the time.

I know I'm not actually answering your question. But right now I'm SMDH so hard that I've just go nothing... other than the ol' they can keep their money response.

lizandmark2014 · September 2013

To NYC yes this person has said this to me. And to RebeccaB88 hit the nail on the head.
I dislike this person's opinion!!! And have declined their contribution.

lizandmark2014 · September 2013

To Chibiyu good luck my only advice is to see if it is PDA or comments your FI family dislikes about their fellow family member.
If it's behavior I would see if someone could discretely speak to that person and ask them to not be so blatant at the wedding. If it is this family member's comments have someone tell them it bothers ............, we would greatly appreciate if you toned those statements down for our wedding.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

The flavor of this mystery person's bigotry is totally irrelevant here. If you have declined their financial contribution, they have absolutely no right to know who you are inviting. Stop talking to them about it. Let me know how many (if any) invites they get and leave it alone.

ETA: Hee hee. Let them know, not me.

chibiyui · September 2013

lizandmark2014 said:

To Chibiyu good luck my only advice is to see if it is PDA or comments your FI family dislikes about their fellow family member. If it's behavior I would see if someone could discretely speak to that person and ask them to not be so blatant at the wedding. If it is this family member's comments have someone tell them it bothers ............, we would greatly appreciate if you toned those statements down for our wedding.

Thanks! I think it's just stubborn catholicism* at work. If said person gets cut because of constraints or no inviting in that particular "circle" of cousins FI hasn't seen since he was fine, thats fine. I just think it's super shitty to be all "oh she's married thus she's flaunting that she's a lesbian."

FI and I aren't having a Catholic ceremony, it's not even in a church. I don't know why it upsets them so much. Well, nobody wants to think of their loved ones as bigoted, even if they are. I'm hoping tomorrow when all of us are talking wedding stuff we can reach a non-shitty conclusion.

*I realize not all Catholics feel that way, I just think thats where FMIL is justifying this from.

lilylauderdale2009 · September 2013

I say don't take their contribution.

lizandmark2014 · September 2013

:-) thanks for the help everybody.

ElcaB · September 2013

It's your wedding, not theirs. If they insist on "banning" your desired guests, don't accept their contribution.

lizandmark2014 · October 2013

:-) thanks for the help everybody.

katieg520 · October 2013

lizandmark2014 said:

"Lazy" is my nice way for me to say what this person thinks of other stereotypes ( I'll be blunt, Latinos, African Americans, and country folk.)

Oh holy moly, I'd decline their money and tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine... wow. But, I realize if it's a parent or older family member, you can't always do that. But I would certainly decline their money.

lizandmark2014 · October 2013

This is why I am angry.

XP : discrimination / controlling

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