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Etiquette

Our Wedding Date is causing some stress with another couple

I am frustrated with this whole process of wedding planning. My Fiance and I have been proactive in our talks about getting married.  In the beginning we made it very clear our wants, needs, plans for the future. We have taken things slow to make sure this is what we really want.  We then decided we wanted to start pre-marital counseling to better prepare us as a couple and to strengthen any areas we needed to improve upon.  After a few months of meeting with our counselor, we decided to start ring shopping.  I happen to be looking at the year 2014 with a co-worker who was trying to pick a date and noticed our anniversary fell on a Friday.  When I looked at the year of 2015 I saw that we could have our wedding on our anniversary due to it falling on a Saturday.  I brought this up with my FI and we both agreed to the date b/c it was nothing special to anyone but us as far as our friends and family were concerned.  We informed our family back in June of our engagement and the date we had picked out.  We have been very public about the beginning process.   Everything was going great until a month ago. 

 

His best friend proposed to his long time girlfriend.  She wants to get married the same day.  Now due to my crazy work schedule I have not been able to call her to talk to her, I only get tidbits from my boyfriend whom she asks things through text messages.  From what I can tell, there is no attachment to this day for them since they started dating in the fall & their birthdays are in the winter.  Every time I ask my FI to call and ask questions and get a feel for things, he beats around the bush and says he wants me to be there incase she asks something and needs my opinion.  Yesterday, she messages him that they have reconsidered getting married two weeks before us.  Yay, right? Kinda sorta.  Don't get me wrong, I can work with our weddings being two weeks apart but there are other issues.  We are from Wisconsin and are currently located in Missouri for my FI's Grad school.  Its an 8 hour drive one way to go home for either wedding and family functions.  Compound the fact I have to take vacation time anytime we go home due to my work leaving less for our wedding and honeymoon.  If I say this is okay, we have to drive up and back two weeks before our own wedding that we will be stressing over, plus double the tux rental, gas money, and she is already expecting things from my FI as far as availability whom I barely see right now and we live together.  My FI thinks we should just hold our weddings the same day and run between the two.  If looks could kill, i'd be single for sure.

I haven't actually talked to her so I asked my FI to tell them when we come up next weekend we want to meet for lunch to discuss all of this.  I know I am being selfish about all of this but I am so frustrated and exhausted I wanted some opinions on what I could do.  How should I approach this when we get together to discuss it?  When I brought this up with my manager today, she was not happy about me needing to leave for two weekends during our busy season.  Should I mention it was an actual argument when I told her MY wedding date?  I don't really want to plan a wedding from 8 hours away to also have to deal with another wedding on top of it.  I also don't want to give up my date b/c it has so much meaning for the both of us.  We both enjoy sharing how we met.  I already have a wedding planner and a venue picked out that are available and I want to secure them but I feel uncomfortable doing so until I talk with them. Any help or advice would be great for when we do see them.  I want to handle it in a way that leaves no one feeling hurt or upset b/c their day is just as important as mine.  I also know I don't always have the knack for saying the right thing, instead it comes out wrong.  Thank you for the help and thank you for letting me vent.

 

 

Re: Our Wedding Date is causing some stress with another couple

  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    They have the right to choose any date that works for them, just as you have the right to choose your date.
    It definitely sucks that they picked a date so close to yours.

    That being said... if they already knew the date you picked, then they have to realize it might be impossible for you to go to their wedding. When 2015 rolls around if it looks like you won't be able to make their wedding, they will just have to understand that you couldn't be there.

    If they know the date you picked and are picking the same date or a date close to it, they are choosing to pick the date that works best for them regardless if it works for you. You should do the same.

    Don't say anything... cross our fingers that they change their date... and if they don't, hope your wedding planning is far enough along by then that you're able to go to theirs when the time comes. If it doesn't, oh well. You'll still have a great wedding even if you guys can't attend each other's. Good luck!
    melbelleup
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I am frustrated with this whole process of wedding planning. My Fiance and I have been proactive in our talks about getting married.  In the beginning we made it very clear our wants, needs, plans for the future. We have taken things slow to make sure this is what we really want.  We then decided we wanted to start pre-marital counseling to better prepare us as a couple and to strengthen any areas we needed to improve upon.  After a few months of meeting with our counselor, we decided to start ring shopping.  I happen to be looking at the year 2014 with a co-worker who was trying to pick a date and noticed our anniversary fell on a Friday.  When I looked at the year of 2015 I saw that we could have our wedding on our anniversary due to it falling on a Saturday.  I brought this up with my FI and we both agreed to the date b/c it was nothing special to anyone but us as far as our friends and family were concerned.  We informed our family back in June of our engagement and the date we had picked out.  We have been very public about the beginning process.   Everything was going great until a month ago. 

     

    His best friend proposed to his long time girlfriend.  She wants to get married the same day.  Now due to my crazy work schedule I have not been able to call her to talk to her, I only get tidbits from my boyfriend whom she asks things through text messages.  From what I can tell, there is no attachment to this day for them since they started dating in the fall & their birthdays are in the winter.  Every time I ask my FI to call and ask questions and get a feel for things, he beats around the bush and says he wants me to be there incase she asks something and needs my opinion.  Yesterday, she messages him that they have reconsidered getting married two weeks before us.  Yay, right? Kinda sorta.  Don't get me wrong, I can work with our weddings being two weeks apart but there are other issues.  We are from Wisconsin and are currently located in Missouri for my FI's Grad school.  Its an 8 hour drive one way to go home for either wedding and family functions.  Compound the fact I have to take vacation time anytime we go home due to my work leaving less for our wedding and honeymoon.  If I say this is okay, we have to drive up and back two weeks before our own wedding that we will be stressing over, plus double the tux rental, gas money, and she is already expecting things from my FI as far as availability whom I barely see right now and we live together.  My FI thinks we should just hold our weddings the same day and run between the two.  If looks could kill, i'd be single for sure.

    I haven't actually talked to her so I asked my FI to tell them when we come up next weekend we want to meet for lunch to discuss all of this.  I know I am being selfish about all of this but I am so frustrated and exhausted I wanted some opinions on what I could do.  How should I approach this when we get together to discuss it?  When I brought this up with my manager today, she was not happy about me needing to leave for two weekends during our busy season.  Should I mention it was an actual argument when I told her MY wedding date?  I don't really want to plan a wedding from 8 hours away to also have to deal with another wedding on top of it.  I also don't want to give up my date b/c it has so much meaning for the both of us.  We both enjoy sharing how we met.  I already have a wedding planner and a venue picked out that are available and I want to secure them but I feel uncomfortable doing so until I talk with them. Any help or advice would be great for when we do see them.  I want to handle it in a way that leaves no one feeling hurt or upset b/c their day is just as important as mine.  I also know I don't always have the knack for saying the right thing, instead it comes out wrong.  Thank you for the help and thank you for letting me vent.

     

     

    You both get one date, and if they overlap, well it sucks, but I'm sure you'll be going to yours instead of hers.  ;)  That said, no one has the date until you book a venue.  If the date you've picked is super important to you than book your venue and start planning.  Your friend will have to decide what works best for her and her FI and go from there.  You may look into the venue and find someone has already grabbed that 2015 date (though perhaps not likely at this point).  She may decide to change everything she is doing as well.  Good luck with planning  
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    melbelleup
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto PP.  Also, if your FI is asked to be a GM in his friends' wedding, he can decline.  And if the bride has things planned for your FI to do, he can just tell her no.

    This situation can only cause stress if you let it.  My H & I picked a date that was no where near our dating anniversary or birthdays, so I don't understand why that has anything to do with it.  People pick dates for a variety of reasons, the exact why, should not matter to you.  Just remember that the couple picked a date that worked well for them and their VIPs.
    jendemeyer
  • This really should not be this difficult and you are getting way too wrapped up in the other couple. Pick your date, book your vendors (this is key! you don't have a date until money is down) and go on your merry way. 

    melbelleupDreamergirl8812Ajuliana
  • Sigh. I totally understand what you're talking about. I currently live 8 hrs as well from my home city where my wedding will take place. My 2nd cousin (also a BM) just got engaged and decided she wants hers a month and a week before mine... that is fine and dandy but my bridal shower is the week after her wedding. Though I'm super excited for her and wish I could attend her wedding, there just isn't a way to make sense of me going to it since we're also getting our marriage licenses the same time as my bridal shower. That being said, my brother is getting married 3 weeks after our wedding. I'm just sucking it up, taking the thursday off before it and making the trip. We're coming back from our honeymoon actually the sunday before their wedding so it will be fun to see everyone again and we can talk honeymoon if they want. I chalked it up as, I'm uber excited for my 2nd cousin and I cross my toes hoping she won't ask me to be a bridesmaid, which I doubt she will anyways.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • My FI thinks we should just hold our weddings the same day and run between the two.  If looks could kill, i'd be single for sure.

    Are you saying that if you decide to have your weddings on the same day your fiance wants to "run between the two" a la Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses??  On your own wedding day????
  • Until either of you books a venue and an officiant, neither if you has a wedding date; 2015 is a long ways off, and things can change.

    She may decide she doesn't want to wait that long. You and your FI may decide you don't want to wait that long.

    Both of you may fall in love with a venue that's unavailable or too expensive. Someone may get a promotion or a transfer, necessitating a move and change of plans.

    Regardless, whatever date you each pick, the only requirements of the other couple are either attend as guests (or not if they can't), or, if they're in wedding, show up on time and in the right clothing. Nothing else. If this girl has plans for your FI to do something more than that, well, tough cookies. Not his job.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MGP said:

    My FI thinks we should just hold our weddings the same day and run between the two.  If looks could kill, i'd be single for sure.

    Are you saying that if you decide to have your weddings on the same day your fiance wants to "run between the two" a la Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses??  On your own wedding day????
    This is what I was thinking too! LOL. Sometimes men have really stupid ideas. My FI thinks we shouldn't have place cards and let everyone sit where they want. He also doesn't seem to think it's necessary to have invites. 

  • MGP said:

    My FI thinks we should just hold our weddings the same day and run between the two.  If looks could kill, i'd be single for sure.

    Are you saying that if you decide to have your weddings on the same day your fiance wants to "run between the two" a la Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses??  On your own wedding day????
    This is what I was thinking too! LOL. Sometimes men have really stupid ideas. My FI thinks we shouldn't have place cards and let everyone sit where they want. He also doesn't seem to think it's necessary to have invites. 


    I can't image our wedding day would be like if I let my fiance do the planning...probably just some blank walls with blank tables and no real organizaiton.  He would book a good DJ and good Food though...anyway back to the OP. 

    Unfortunatly you both get one day for your weddings. If you can't make it, you can't make it.  You need to book your venue and officiant ASAP to reserve your date though...especially since it has so much meaning to you as a couple.

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    My partner and I are getting married on our 3-year anniversary, and it was something that was very, very important to us (not to the point where we'd skip out on The Perfect Venue to get that date, but still very important). Because of that, we let our families know right away when we planned to get married, and we booked a venue within a month of announcing our engagement.

    I understand why your date is so important to you. But keep in mind that this other couple has the right to pick any date they want to have their wedding; you don't get to decide whose reason is better to pick a particular date.

    As other folks have mentioned, you don't HAVE the date until you've booked your venue. Now that my partner and I have booked our venue, we really ARE getting married on our anniversary, for sure, and we're able to send out save-the-dates. Basically, there's a difference between, "We want to get married on [date]" and "We are getting married on [date]."

    Finally, it sounds like they're going to aim for an earlier date to avoid a conflict. That is really, really kind of them to switch their date and even though you wish they had picked one even further away from your preferred date, two weeks is not the same date and you have nothing to complain about.

    It really sounds like you're still upset at the almost-conflict. Otherwise, you'd be excited for them, and you clearly aren't.

    If you can't attend because your boss won't let you take both those weekends off, then fine. You are not obligated to attend their wedding. Stop acting like they have to pick a date that works for you.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    JeeGooDowsterjendemeyer
  • It doesn't sound like you have booked a venue, but has the other couple booked theirs?  Sorry, maybe I missed that.  I agree with others that no one really "has" a date until you have actually booked something for that date.  It seems odd to me personally to be talking about your wedding date when you don't know if anything you want will actually even be available on that date.  Anyway, I don't think there is any advice to give here because there is nothing you can do about someone else having a wedding on that date.  You obviously won't go to their wedding and they will obviously understand why you aren't there.
  • I wouldn't plan your wedding based on a date on the calendar. after you're married, you won't even remember your old "anniversary" date.

    If you're ready to get married in 2014, do it! don't wait an entire year just to have that exact date fall on a saturday. Being married is incredible, and I woudn't postpone it too long for anything less than a real obstacle.

    Dreamergirl8812
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