Mom's taking over my guest list!!

Re: Mom's taking over my guest list!!

• SP29 member

  

  October 2013

  You can invite whom you want. It's not OK to break up a social unit, but you can not invite an entire social unit. Same with kids- you can invite kids from one family, but not the children from another. Generally though, it works best if you invite in circles, such as immediate children (any nieces/nephews) invited, but not extended children (children of cousins, etc). If your mom is willing to deal with any backlash on un-invited children, say "thank you" and let it go. 

  
  

  Who is paying for the reception? If your parents are paying, they have a choice in the guest list, but if not, while it is considerate to take their wishes into account, you don't have to invite everyone they want you to. Be firm on your stance regarding the capacity of the venue room. 

  
  

  Did you have a date which your final guest list was to be determined by? Generally it is best to have a rough guest list decided upon before choosing your venue, but after deciding your budget, so you know what kind of venue you are able to host. If your parents are adding on guests after you set the guest list, then I would be more firm and tell her you had asked her prior for her guest list (did you specifically ask and set a date for wanting to know?) and the list is now set because the venue has been chosen. 

  
  

  FI and I asked each of our parents (both sets are separated/divorced) who they would like to see invited. My parents were very reasonable and only wanted one couple each invited (in addition to their dates) who were their nearest and dearest (who also have some degree of relationship to me), but beyond that said it was our wedding so why would we invite all their friends? Thank you parents. 

  
  

  FI's parents were also pretty reasonable, but gave us bigger lists, particularly FI's mom, as her family is Greek and used to giant weddings (where people get invited to the dance portion only!?!?!). She gave us a list of 10 couples. We took those wishes into consideration, but at the end of the day, we only invited people from both parent's lists who my FI also had some sort of a relationship with. FI's dad got 2 out of 3 couples invited (and I happen to know these 2 couples as well and suggested FI invite them anyway), while we invited 6 of the couples on his mom's list. 

  
  

  When we asked our parents for their guest list wants, we were also clear in saying that we would like to know who they would like to see invited, but that the final guest list would still be our choice. 

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• bkgerke member

  

  October 2013

  We're still a good 10 months out from the wedding date, but it's been difficult to find a venue that has EVERYTHING we want, this place does. We constructed a rough guest list before looking seriously for a venue and it wasn't until this week that we found it and until after my mother found out about the 150 person cap that she finally decided to type up her list of an additional 30+ guests, they majority of which being distant cousins on both my mother and father's side that I have either met only as few times or not at all. As far as footing the bill, my fiancé and I were planning on doing it ourselves but my mother recently mentioned chipping in for the reception, although her finances aren't exactly in the best place and I'm nervous about her committing the funds and then not being able to pull through.

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• SP29 member

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  I would ask her to narrow her list down to her "must haves". Or, once you and FI have set your guest list, if your numbers are under 150, tell her there are X spots available for any additional guests she would like to invite. 

  
  

  I wouldn't feel comfortable with accepting her "chipping in" unless both parties are clear that she will cover the cost of X additional people, which includes food, extra invitations, favours, place cards, centerpieces, etc. 

  
  

  Keep to your 150 max though. It sounds like this isn't an issue of "just" one or two more people that would get you into the next size room. Doubling your minimums is a pretty big jump, and remember with a bigger room with more tables, it isn't just an couple extra plates of food but all the above I mentioned and meeting your minimums. 

  
  

  I think there is also something to be said for going for the wedding you want and how it fits the venue, of course properly hosting all your invited guests first and foremost. As an example, FI's mom is used to large weddings in her family (like 300 guests +), and even if we could afford to host that number of people, FI and I wouldn't. We're both introverted, and that just wouldn't be our style, I'd feel so uncomfortable. 

  
  

  Our venue also has two rooms- I chose the smaller one (FI didn't care either way) because I liked the intimate feel. We were told the room maximum for capacity was 110 people, but when we went back for our details appointment and looked at the room again, getting the tables in seat that many people would make the room very tight, and we'd be setting up tables on the dance floor that would later need to be moved (I'm not a fan of that). We sent out invites to 107 guests. We've had a small but fair number of guests decline (which we expected since we invited many OOT guests...some out of country) and while I'm sad they can't make it, part of me is thinking of how much easier seating will be. 

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• phira member

  

  October 2013

  Here's my advice, which you can take or leave.

  
  

  Do not accept any financial assistance from your mother. She clearly doesn't really care about your wants and needs for this wedding, and it sounds like you'd rather keep things small and host the event yourself than have her take over. Just say, "No thanks, Mom. We appreciate the offer, but it's important to us to be able to manage our finances to pay for the event ourselves."

  
  

  Sit down with your fiance and come up with your own guest list together. Keep it under 150 (and remember that some single guests might not be single in 8 months when you send out invitations). Don't want to invite 71 kids? Don't invite 71 kids. Don't want to invite your mom's boss? Don't invite your mom's boss. This goes for your fiance's side as well--don't want to invite your fiance's creepy uncle who hits on every single woman under the age of 40? Don't invite the creepy uncle.

  
  

  Come up with YOUR list. It's YOUR wedding.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• cowgirl8238 member

  

  October 2013

  bkgerke said:

  So originally my fiancé and I decided we wanted a small wedding-no more than 150 guests, and finally we found a venue that we love...which only has a 150 person capacity...unless we want to DOUBLE our food and beverage minimum. As a result, we started working more seriously on our guest list to ensure we don't go over the 150 person cap. Despite relentlessly bugging our parents about getting together a list of people THEY wanted invited, neither side has produced anything in the 7 months since we've been engaged...until I got super excited about this venue. Since we found this venue, my mother has constructed a list of 30 additional guests (which would not meet the food and beverage minimum of the next largest hall) and insists we allow all 71 children (my fiancé and I had already made the decision that we wanted no children at the wedding BECAUSE of how many there are and that we intend to pay for the wedding ourselves.) We finally reached an agreement that only a select few children would be invited including 3 from a guest from out of state, all 5 from my fiancé's side, and 2 of my mother's cousin's (also her boss) children. I have no problem with the 3 from out of state or the 5 from my fiancé's side, but one of my mom's cousin's kids is a complete brat who I can't stand, and my mom's cousin has several other siblings with about 20 children between them that will likely cause conflict on the big day if their nieces there but that their own children weren't allowed. I have already expressed my concern to my mother but she wants me to just not worry about it and direct anybody who has a problem with it to her. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated!

  Don't accpet mom's money because then she will get a say in what you do.  That being said I think the best approach is to make up the list of people you want to include.  Once you have your list, then you can consider how many spaces you have left and let mom add X seats to the list. 

  The children don't need to be included, and typically I would recomend using certain cut-off's for children just to avoid the added drama.  You can stop at Syblings, First cousin's, etc.  In the end you have the right to include whomever you like, I just find its less complicated to use a cut off point. 

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• delujm0 member

  

  October 2013

  Come up with a list of YOUR must haves (assume everyone will have a SO for budgeting purposes), subtract that total from 150, and then give half of that remainder to your FI's family and half to yours.  "Mom, here is our guest list.  You may have an additional 12 invites if you'd like.  Please let me know who those people will be by the end of the week."  That is all that needs to be done.

   

  Don't accept the money...this has "money comes with strings attached" written all over it.

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• photokitty mod

  

  October 2013

  phira said:

  Here's my advice, which you can take or leave.

  
  

  Do not accept any financial assistance from your mother. She clearly doesn't really care about your wants and needs for this wedding, and it sounds like you'd rather keep things small and host the event yourself than have her take over. Just say, "No thanks, Mom. We appreciate the offer, but it's important to us to be able to manage our finances to pay for the event ourselves."

  
  

  Sit down with your fiance and come up with your own guest list together. Keep it under 150 (and remember that some single guests might not be single in 8 months when you send out invitations). Don't want to invite 71 kids? Don't invite 71 kids. Don't want to invite your mom's boss? Don't invite your mom's boss. This goes for your fiance's side as well--don't want to invite your fiance's creepy uncle who hits on every single woman under the age of 40? Don't invite the creepy uncle.

  
  

  Come up with YOUR list. It's YOUR wedding.

  A long as you adhere to PP's first advice: Do not accept any financial assistance from your mother.

  Then it's your list and you can invite or not invite whomever you choose! Take her money and it's her list too. GL!

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  phira said:

  Here's my advice, which you can take or leave.

  
  

  Do not accept any financial assistance from your mother. She clearly doesn't really care about your wants and needs for this wedding, and it sounds like you'd rather keep things small and host the event yourself than have her take over. Just say, "No thanks, Mom. We appreciate the offer, but it's important to us to be able to manage our finances to pay for the event ourselves."

  
  

  Sit down with your fiance and come up with your own guest list together. Keep it under 150 (and remember that some single guests might not be single in 8 months when you send out invitations). Don't want to invite 71 kids? Don't invite 71 kids. Don't want to invite your mom's boss? Don't invite your mom's boss. This goes for your fiance's side as well--don't want to invite your fiance's creepy uncle who hits on every single woman under the age of 40? Don't invite the creepy uncle.

  
  

  Come up with YOUR list. It's YOUR wedding.

  This.  Times 1000.
  

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• APDSS22 member

  

  October 2013

  In your situation, OP, I would absolutely not take any financial assistance from your mom.  It would give her control of your list, and from what you've said, she might run with that and trample the wedding vision you and your FI have and also make it way too expensive.  (Each additional person is more invitations, more food, more seats, more table linens, more alcohol/drinks, more postage, more thank you notes, more centerpieces, more favors and more cake on top of the other room expansion.) 
  
  Also, you mentioned being anxious about her coming through with any assistance you would accept.  That would be stress you do not need leading up to the wedding.  There are many brides who come onto this forum asking for advice because a relative offered money for their wedding and something happened so now they don't have enough money to pay for what they want.  I just think no good can come of accepting your mom's help. (My two cents.)  Also, if you do not want to invite children, (and you're paying) stay firm and do not invite children.  It confuses/hurts less people if you just omit all children from the guest list rather than picking and choosing.  I would also recommend that if you and your FI are paying, you comb through the guest list and cut those distant cousins you never see.  In most cases, these invites look like gift grabs since the distant relatives may or may not even remember who you are.
  

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• annathy03 member

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

  In your situation, OP, I would absolutely not take any financial assistance from your mom.  It would give her control of your list, and from what you've said, she might run with that and trample the wedding vision you and your FI have and also make it way too expensive.  (Each additional person is more invitations, more food, more seats, more table linens, more alcohol/drinks, more postage, more thank you notes, more centerpieces, more favors and more cake on top of the other room expansion.) 
  
  Also, you mentioned being anxious about her coming through with any assistance you would accept.  That would be stress you do not need leading up to the wedding.  There are many brides who come onto this forum asking for advice because a relative offered money for their wedding and something happened so now they don't have enough money to pay for what they want.  I just think no good can come of accepting your mom's help. (My two cents.)  Also, if you do not want to invite children, (and you're paying) stay firm and do not invite children.  It confuses/hurts less people if you just omit all children from the guest list rather than picking and choosing.  I would also recommend that if you and your FI are paying, you comb through the guest list and cut those distant cousins you never see.  In most cases, these invites look like gift grabs since the distant relatives may or may not even remember who you are.
  

  All of this, especially cutting distant cousins.  Also I saw your mom's boss and children were on the list- that strikes me as REALLY odd, I have a few dozen people I'd invite before my parents boss and family.  Since you're paying and control the guest list I'd cut them in a heartbeat.

  
  

  ETA: Just saw your mom's boss is her cousin, so that makes more sense.  That's still a second cousin to you and if you aren't close with him/her I'd still cut them, being your mom's boss shouldn't influence your decision.

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