Sending out invites

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

My Fiance and I are planning a very small wedding w/ a backyard barbecue at the chapel, I'm stuck on whether or not to send out formal invites as we are requesting everyone to bring a dish. Only people are coming are our parents, siblings and grandparents. Any ideas?

Host only what you can afford. You should not be relying on your guests to provide food for the reception as the reception is a "thank you" for your guests attending your ceremony.

You may send out any invitations you want. You do not have to have a formal invite. They also make more casual invitations now that could be sent out.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

My Fiance and I are planning a very small wedding w/ a backyard barbecue at the chapel, I'm stuck on whether or not to send out formal invites as we are requesting everyone to bring a dish. Only people are coming are our parents, siblings and grandparents. Any ideas?

It's up to you if you want to send formal invites. I would - they're a good keepsake if nothing else. You can do this on the cheap by going to Michael's and buying a kit. Use a 40% off coupon.

As far as the potluck reception, it's a huge etiquette faux pas. The reception is where the B&G "receive" their guests and thank them for coming to their ceremony. It's hosted by the B&G. If you have your wedding/reception at a non-meal time, you could do something as simple as grocery store cake/punch for as little as $20. Whatever you do, proper hosting means your guests (yes, even if they're family) do not host themselves.

itzMS · October 2013

You're having at most 15 people at your reception, and you're doing a potluck?!

Girl, please.

Host your family properly. This is your wedding...not Thanksgiving at grandma's house.

Jen4948 · October 2013

Don't do a potluck reception. Host your family on your own dime. You don't have to break your budget-or send formal invitations.

abeltran731 · October 2013

Had no idea so much snark would come in response to my question. The potluck was a suggestion made by pretty much all of our family, since it is a very small and casual affair. Also a great way for our family to get to know each other since they aren't close. Thanks for letting me know how tacky it is.

misssunshine17 · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

Had no idea so much snark would come in response to my question. The potluck was a suggestion made by pretty much all of our family, since it is a very small and casual affair. Also a great way for our family to get to know each other since they aren't close. Thanks for letting me know how tacky it is.

Seriously? Lurk for two minutes and you'll realize this is a crappy idea. You could spend $100 on pizza and everyone will be happy. No food poisoning or anything.

mysticl · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

Had no idea so much snark would come in response to my question. The potluck was a suggestion made by pretty much all of our family, since it is a very small and casual affair. Also a great way for our family to get to know each other since they aren't close. Thanks for letting me know how tacky it is.

They don't need to eat food prepared by each other to get to know each other. Also, if they don't live in the same town don't be surprised if they still don't get to know each other. It's possible that they will never see each other again.

daveANDkristen · October 2013

When you say "formal invites" I assume you just mean on paper? In other words, a formal invitation might have raised lettering, heavy paper stock, etc., and that would be overkill for the type of wedding you are having IMO. But if by formal you just mean on paper versus word-of-mouth, yes, those are always appropriate. You can buy an invitation kit like PP mentioned or order a small amount from a discount printer like Vistaprint.

climbingsingle · October 2013

Do not asks your guests to bring food for your wedding. Like PPs said, it's tacky and rude. I'm sure you can manage to provide food for that amount of people. Jesus. Get a 6 foot hero and some sides if you have to.

itzMS · October 2013

abeltran731 said:
Had no idea so much snark would come in response to my question. The potluck was a suggestion made by pretty much all of our family, since it is a very small and casual affair. Also a great way for our family to get to know each other since they aren't close. Thanks for letting me know how tacky it is.

Just say "no" to potlucks. Nothing says family bonding like everyone getting food poisoning from Grandma Jane's potato salad that sat in her hot car during your ceremony and Grandpa Bob's roast chicken that wasn't cooked to temperature.

Hire a reputable caterer (or buy party trays of food from a restaurant). Everyone will be happier.

abeltran731 · October 2013

We never asked anyone. We are preparing steaks on the grill, chicken and possibly salmon, his mom volunteered her potato salad since it his favorite, my mom is making rice and beans, my favorite and my grandma is making the pan de polvo she has made for every family member's wedding I have been to. Also all the alcohol is on us. So I don't get all the hostility, simple family affair that everyone wants to help with since we aren't having any showers, engagement parties rehearsal dinners or any other no excuse parties most bride and grooms have. This is our families way of getting involved any way they can since we are paying for everything. Again, I didn't expect so many rude replies, I get that a lot of people don't care for the idea. But it is special to us and our family.

climbingsingle · October 2013

You posted this on the Etiquette board. You're going to get opinions on etiquette. It's against etiquette to have a wedding and have your guests bring food.

abeltran731 · October 2013

I didn't know there were other boards until it was too late! I'm pretty new to this site!

abeltran731 · October 2013

Thanks!

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

We never asked anyone. We are preparing steaks on the grill, chicken and possibly salmon, his mom volunteered her potato salad since it his favorite, my mom is making rice and beans, my favorite and my grandma is making the pan de polvo she has made for every family member's wedding I have been to. Also all the alcohol is on us. So I don't get all the hostility, simple family affair that everyone wants to help with since we aren't having any showers, engagement parties rehearsal dinners or any other no excuse parties most bride and grooms have. This is our families way of getting involved any way they can since we are paying for everything. Again, I didn't expect so many rude replies, I get that a lot of people don't care for the idea. But it is special to us and our family.

Your initial post indicated that you want to send out formal invitations because you are having a pot luck reception. To us, that means its so you can send out invitations asking people to bring a dish to your reception. If the people bringing the food all volunteered under their own free will, that's different. But do not solicit your guests to bring food to your reception.

s-aries8990 · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

My Fiance and I are planning a very small wedding w/ a backyard barbecue at the chapel, I'm stuck on whether or not to send out formal invites as we are requesting everyone to bring a dish. Only people are coming are our parents, siblings and grandparents. Any ideas?

abeltran731 said:

We never asked anyone. We are preparing steaks on the grill, chicken and possibly salmon, his mom volunteered her potato salad since it his favorite, my mom is making rice and beans, my favorite and my grandma is making the pan de polvo she has made for every family member's wedding I have been to. Also all the alcohol is on us. So I don't get all the hostility, simple family affair that everyone wants to help with since we aren't having any showers, engagement parties rehearsal dinners or any other no excuse parties most bride and grooms have. This is our families way of getting involved any way they can since we are paying for everything. Again, I didn't expect so many rude replies, I get that a lot of people don't care for the idea. But it is special to us and our family.

Hmmm I see some back peddling here. If everyone wants to bring a dish, that's very different than you REQUESTING everyone bring one (like you clearly stated in your OP). Savvy?

Do not, under any circumstances, request your guests to do (besides RSVP of course) or bring anything to your wedding. It's your responsibility to host your guests properly. If people are offering to bring stuff, let them, but make sure you provide all of the necessities for a full meal so that way you are covered.

No one was rude. They didn't call you names - they just told you that you have a bad idea. Just because you don't get validation doesn't mean you get to cry bully.

mysticl · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

My Fiance and I are planning a very small wedding w/ a backyard barbecue at the chapel, I'm stuck on whether or not to send out formal invites as we are requesting everyone to bring a dish. Only people are coming are our parents, siblings and grandparents. Any ideas?

That doesn't sound like everybody volunteered to bring something.

abeltran731 · October 2013

Sorry, not really sure why I put that in there. I accidentally put my fiance's contact in this morning. Definitely not my day today. I really just wanted to know if we should send out invites or if just letting everyone know works. But as someone posted it is a nice keepsake, so I think we will probably do that, I mean if we are only sending out 18 can't hurt. Thanks!

s-aries8990 · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

Sorry, not really sure why I put that in there. I accidentally put my fiance's contact in this morning. Definitely not my day today. I really just wanted to know if we should send out invites or if just letting everyone know works. But as someone posted it is a nice keepsake, so I think we will probably do that, I mean if we are only sending out 18 can't hurt. Thanks!

With such a small number, you could probably hand-make something really cute! and if there's 18 people, if people are married or in a relationship, you only need to send 1 invite per couple. Even fewer invites would be needed.

photokitty · October 2013

abeltran731 said:

We never asked anyone. We are preparing steaks on the grill, chicken and possibly salmon, his mom volunteered her potato salad since it his favorite, my mom is making rice and beans, my favorite and my grandma is making the pan de polvo she has made for every family member's wedding I have been to. Also all the alcohol is on us. So I don't get all the hostility, simple family affair that everyone wants to help with since we aren't having any showers, engagement parties rehearsal dinners or any other no excuse parties most bride and grooms have. This is our families way of getting involved any way they can since we are paying for everything. Again, I didn't expect so many rude replies, I get that a lot of people don't care for the idea. But it is special to us and our family.

abeltran731, I think if people offered and you did not ask them to bring anything it is fine. If you are having a BBQ and people offered to bring thing. Problem is you used the phrase " we are requesting everyone to bring a dish." You shouldn't request/ ask/ demand a guest bring anything.

If they offered and you accepted that's different IMHO. To me this is the same as your bridesmaid OFFERING to help hand address all the invites. You can take her up on the offer, but you can't ASK her to do it.

It sounds like you are providing a good portion of the food and you would have provided it all if people hadn't generously offered. As long as you don't ask anyone to bring anything or tell them to do so on the invite, I don't think you have breached etiquette.

Word choice is key around here. GL!

phira · October 2013

I am honestly not so against potluck weddings, but that's because of cases like this one. It sounds like everyone is volunteering, there aren't a ton of guests, and the couple will be doing a lot of food prep themselves. I don't think it's a problem.

Jen4948 · October 2013

@abeltran731, in your OP you said you are "requesting everyone to bring a dish" and wanted wording on how to let guests know that they have to pay for drinks.

Both of these things are against etiquette. And this is an etiquette board.

Regardless of what's common in your family, you didn't mention in your OP that your relatives made the suggestion about bringing dishes themselves. If they did, it's fine to take them up on it, but you should not ask them to bring dishes. Weddings are an instance in which asking guests to bring their own provisions is not appropriate.

Also, it's never appropriate to charge one's guests for drinks, even if you can't afford to serve alcohol or don't drink it yourself. Again, regardless of what your relatives and friends usually do, we don't know you and we don't know them. It is simply a standard of etiquette that polite hosts do not charge their guests for the provisions they offer-they simply don't offer anything they don't want to serve free of charge to their guests.

I'm sorry if you feel that some of us have come down on you too harshly. None of us have a stake in your wedding, but none of us want you to be rude to your guests either. So if you're suggesting that you're planning to do something that falls outside etiquette here, we're going to bring that to your attention in the hope of getting you to realize that you need to make changes to your plans in order to be within the bounds of etiquette. If that's something you don't care about, then posting here and getting huffy because you don't like the answers you get wastes everyone's time. But if it's something you do care about, then we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't get huffy and just acknowledge that we have your best interests in mind-even if you don't perceive them the same way we do.

NYCMercedes · October 2013

I think this sounds fine. You are hosting the main course and alcohol and your closest family members have offered to make their speciality. You're having a few close family embers. Have a wonderful time. It sounds like fun

photokitty · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

@abeltran731, in your OP you said you are "requesting everyone to bring a dish" and wanted wording on how to let guests know that they have to pay for drinks.

Both of these things are against etiquette. And this is an etiquette board.

Regardless of what's common in your family, you didn't mention in your OP that your relatives made the suggestion about bringing dishes themselves. If they did, it's fine to take them up on it, but you should not ask them to bring dishes. Weddings are an instance in which asking guests to bring their own provisions is not appropriate.

Also, it's never appropriate to charge one's guests for drinks, even if you can't afford to serve alcohol or don't drink it yourself. Again, regardless of what your relatives and friends usually do, we don't know you and we don't know them. It is simply a standard of etiquette that polite hosts do not charge their guests for the provisions they offer-they simply don't offer anything they don't want to serve free of charge to their guests.

I'm sorry if you feel that some of us have come down on you too harshly. None of us have a stake in your wedding, but none of us want you to be rude to your guests either. So if you're suggesting that you're planning to do something that falls outside etiquette here, we're going to bring that to your attention in the hope of getting you to realize that you need to make changes to your plans in order to be within the bounds of etiquette. If that's something you don't care about, then posting here and getting huffy because you don't like the answers you get wastes everyone's time. But if it's something you do care about, then we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't get huffy and just acknowledge that we have your best interests in mind-even if you don't perceive them the same way we do.

She said they "alcohol is on us" so she is paying for alcohol. I never saw anywhere that she said she was charging for it.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

As long as you're not telling people it's a potluck and your mom/his mom/your grandma have offered to make these sides, I think your plan is fine. If you tell people it's a potluck, they will think what everyone here though - that you are asking people to bring a dish to pass. See my previous post on why potlucks aren't acceptable wedding receptions.

The description you gave above of grilling steaks and your mom/grandma/his mom offering to bring sides is not a potluck.

I think people were rightly confused because of your OP.

abeltran731 · October 2013

Thanks for all the advice, I didn't realize this was an etiquette board, I am new to the knot and really had no clue has these boards worked! My OP was worded wrong, but thanks for the help!

abeltran731 · October 2013

Thanks for all the advice, I didn't realize this was an etiquette board, I am new to the knot and really had no clue has these boards worked! My OP was worded wrong, but thanks for the help!

melbelleup · October 2013

Don't worry, we were all new once. People on this forum are here to help you. No one is singling you out as numerous brides have mentioned potlucks lately. Your wedding sounds perfectly fine

. I would do invites though since there isn't many at all! It will be nice and cheap. Even if you wanted to do Walmart, they have 25 invites for 15-19 dollars depending on design. You just print them off on your printer and away you go!

KickAssMOH · October 2013

I hand-made (totally, from scratch) 60 invitations. They came out great, I saved ALOT of money, and they even look nice enough to frame as a keepsake. Ordering invites can get really pricey. Buy 10 sheets of $0.50 paper at the craft store, come up with a nice font/wording, and print them yourself. Ribbon is cheap too and dresses it up a bit.

Sending out invites

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