Gift Expectations...

kitty8403 · November 2013

MoreChocolatePlease said:

Viczaesar said:
You're correct that traditionally one would write a personal note of congratulations/well wishes upon learning of an engagement, either through formal or informal means (announcement, STD, invitation, or word of mouth, e.g.), but I don't do that. Of course, neither does anyone else I know, unless you count the Facebook "like" button!

Viczaesar Just curious - you didn't get any congrats cards when you got engaged?

I have a deep love for stationary - and am only 30! - and do sent old fashioned snail mail for birthdays, expressing sympathy, etc and was delighted to get some congrats cards after we broke the news. Since I'm very sentimental I kept most of them.

Maybe it's my group but now I'm curious how many of you guys did or did not receive mailed cards for your engagement (or other good news)?

No cards. Not one. We received a lot of lovely in-person, social media and phone congratulations, though.

NYCBruin · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

Viczaesar said:

According to etiquette you should give a gift if you are able. There is no etiquette requirement that I'm aware of for sending a card to express congratulations and well wishes. I give those in person instead (though technically one ought not to express congratulations to the bride, only the groom, and say best wishes to the bride).

This is one of the places where the Post Institute -- very foolishly, as it was bound to create not only mercenary expectations on the part of brides, but cynical suspicions on the part of guests who suspect they were invited in the hopes that they would decline and send a gift -- breaks not only with traditional etiquette and standard protocol, but also with the advice of Mrs Post herself. The Post Institute has announced that guests are supposed to send a gift in response to an invitation. Traditional etiquette holds that giving a gift presumes a level of intimacy with the recipient and the giver should therefore use jugement, based on the relationship, about whether or not a gift is acceptable.

Traditional etiquette does hold, though, that a note (not necessarily a card, since personal engraved stationery is in better taste) should be sent expressing congratulations and well-wishes. But it is not delivered at the wedding. You are there in person: sending a letter with what you can say yourself is just silly. The congratulatory note is supposed to be sent promptly as soon as you know the couple is engaged.

Incidentally, true sticklers will also send a second note after the wedding or any other substantial entertainment, to their hostess which of course in some circumstances is the bride's mother or kinswoman rather than the bride herself, thanking her for her hospitality.

Notes are required by traditional and standard etiquette. Gifts are required by the Post Institute.
^Re sending gifts in response to all wedding invitations, that isn't just the Post Institute. It's standard practice in my circle. I send something no matter what, unless I know I am not the primary invitee (as in, the only reason I'm being asked is that I am someone else's daughter or SO). My mother does the same. I realize this is a controversial position but it is how I was raised snd a lot of others were brought up. I don't go, I still send something. That does not equate to expecting my guests to do the same thing, however. The OP's point is perfectly valid--brides need to stop expecting lavish generosity from every person they invite and throwing fits about it. It's simply not realistic. As for the rest of this--stationery vs cards, multiple notes--I have never before heard that engagement news requires written congratulatory statements of any kind. Certainly it is proper to thank your hostess if you're invited to the party, but I do not believe it is necessary to write every couple as soon as you hear they are engaged. You might not even be part of the intended guest list! Edit: quote boxes, and my first sentence didn't make any sense.

I've also always sent a gift, but that's mostly because I've never received a wedding invitation for a couple that I was not super close to. If I got an invitation to a co-worker's wedding, distant relative I never speak to, or some other "distant" person, and I couldn't/didn't want to attend the wedding, I don't think I'd send a gift.

APDSS22 · November 2013

MoreChocolatePlease said:

Viczaesar said:
You're correct that traditionally one would write a personal note of congratulations/well wishes upon learning of an engagement, either through formal or informal means (announcement, STD, invitation, or word of mouth, e.g.), but I don't do that. Of course, neither does anyone else I know, unless you count the Facebook "like" button!

Viczaesar Just curious - you didn't get any congrats cards when you got engaged?

I have a deep love for stationary - and am only 30! - and do sent old fashioned snail mail for birthdays, expressing sympathy, etc and was delighted to get some congrats cards after we broke the news. Since I'm very sentimental I kept most of them.

Maybe it's my group but now I'm curious how many of you guys did or did not receive mailed cards for your engagement (or other good news)?

I did receive one card from a distant relative. It was very sweet. Most of my congratulations came in person or via a fb "Like" however.

jcwrdh94 · November 2013

I have given a card with money for every wedding I have been to! I can't imagine not doing that. Perhaps it's regional? Many times I've had the conversation, "What is the going rate for giving money gifts at weddings?". Years ago it would've been $50/couple but now, it's probably more like $100/couple (to cover costs). The bride and groom always knew they'd get most of the money back that they spent on the reception.

Now that I type this out, it does sound tacky. Still, I'd never go to a wedding and not give a monetary gift.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

We received 5 mailed cards and two presents for our engagement. I love cards though, and I keep all cards for all occasions in a box.

lovesclimbing · November 2013

We didn't get any engagement cards or gifts.

csuave · November 2013

We got about 10 engagement cards---way more than I would have predicted---mostly from aunts and uncles. My friend that I later asked to be MOH got me a gift with the card, two wedding planning books. It was such a nice surprise.

We also got some emails and texts. Some OOT close family friends actually joined Facebook to see pictures from our Grand Canyon engagement and see pictures of DH....within 10 minutes of our relationship status change! Their daughter tipped them off about what was happening on Facebook.

cmclaire · November 2013

We got lots of engagement cards and a half dozen gifts - utterly unexpected!

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