Ready to cancel the wedding and elope!

vmj23 · November 2013

Okay, maybe not really...but the thought is tempting! I brought our moms to our tasting yesterday and left there feeling so stressed! Going over questions with the coordinator at our venue, I had to hear my mom comment and see her shoot me looks on any answer she didn't agree with...no garter/bouquet toss?? no maid of honor/best man, you want lanterns for a centerpiece??! Then we took them to look at the space we are using, which wasn't set up and being dark out you couldn't appreciate what we choose the venue for...the views, which are incredible. "are these floors going to be cleaned?" "these aren't the chairs, are they??" on and on and on. Not to mention, when his mom found out I wasn't planning a catholic ceremony! NONE of us have been to church in YEARS. Soo over the planning! I just want to be married! Had to vent! Any advice?!

doeydo · November 2013

Are they paying for the wedding? If not, don't talk to them about the wedding.

deannagirly · November 2013

If you are paying for the wedding yourself, it means that you get to choose what goes into the wedding. Just don't talk to them about ideas. Once everything is done you can tell them.

vmj23 · November 2013

I'm paying for a majority, my mom contributed a small amount. I don't feel I have much support, 1 of my bridesmaids is very involved with offering me suggestions or help but that is it. I am planning it all on my own so I turn to my mom with ideas, and regret it every time.

princessleia22 · November 2013

If your mom makes you miserable whenever you include her in the planning, then don't include her. It's that simple.

vmj23 · November 2013

scribe95 said:

You need to turn to your fiance and us.

Last night, after seeing how beat up I felt my fiancée at least realize he wasn't offering any help and did say he's going to be more involved.

MairePoppy · November 2013

Your fi should let his mom know that the two of you have decided not to have a Catholic ceremony. That particular decision is up to you and him, no matter who's paying for what. It probably would have been a good idea to have that discussion before she found out at the venue viewing.

I agree that you aren't obligated to include your mom in your planning, if you're paying for the wedding, but it sounds like you want her on board. You are probably making quite a few departures from what she knows as wedding traditions. You could show her some magazines, introduce her to the Moms and Maids board, Pinterest, or create your own idea board so she can she how things have changed since she was married. If that doesn't help, let her know that her questions are taking a critical tone and make you not want to share ideas with her. She may not be aware.

Some of the questions that your mom was asking about the venue were important. Did she get answers from whoever was showing you the place?

Also, you should ask your fi to help plan his wedding.

vmj23 · November 2013

@mariepoppy

thank you for the good advice. while we haven't booked our ceremony yet, I do not want a church wedding. it doesn't feel right when neither of us practice. I have mentioned to her wanting to hold the ceremony at the same place as the reception, I guess I didn't realize she didn't know that meant no priest. nor did I realize she felt so strong about it - considering in the 8 years I've known her she has not once gone to church.

I do want to include my mom. I just hate how judgmental she is. I am her only daughter so I know this is special for her too and that is exactly it....she thinks everything has to be her idea of traditional. that's a good idea to show her some things on pinterest or magazines, so maybe she can see how times have changed.

the person wasn't with us when we went to the room (its in a separate area from where we had the tasting) and I guess she is right with the questions, I just had hoped for a better response out of them when they saw the place.

I know it - he was leaving it in my hands because its not really a big deal to him to have a wedding, and he wanted me to be happy but its become too overwhelming and I def need him to start helping out.

mysticl · November 2013

jenni1221 said:

@mariepoppy

thank you for the good advice. while we haven't booked our ceremony yet, I do not want a church wedding. it doesn't feel right when neither of us practice. I have mentioned to her wanting to hold the ceremony at the same place as the reception, I guess I didn't realize she didn't know that meant no priest. nor did I realize she felt so strong about it - considering in the 8 years I've known her she has not once gone to church.

I do want to include my mom. I just hate how judgmental she is. I am her only daughter so I know this is special for her too and that is exactly it....she thinks everything has to be her idea of traditional. that's a good idea to show her some things on pinterest or magazines, so maybe she can see how times have changed.

the person wasn't with us when we went to the room (its in a separate area from where we had the tasting) and I guess she is right with the questions, I just had hoped for a better response out of them when they saw the place.

I know it - he was leaving it in my hands because its not really a big deal to him to have a wedding, and he wanted me to be happy but its become too overwhelming and I def need him to start helping out.

Even if she hasn't been to church in a while she should know that a priest won't perform a wedding outside of a church except in certain circumstances. Just wanting a different location is not one of those circumstances.

vmj23 · November 2013

mysticl said:

jenni1221 said:

@mariepoppy

thank you for the good advice.   while we haven't booked our ceremony yet, I do not want a church wedding. it doesn't feel right when neither of us practice.   I have mentioned to her wanting to hold the ceremony at the same place as the reception, I guess I didn't realize she didn't know that meant no priest. nor did I realize she felt so strong about it - considering in the 8 years I've known her she has not once gone to church.

I do want to include my mom. I just hate how judgmental she is. I am her only daughter so I know this is special for her too and that is exactly it....she thinks everything has to be her idea of traditional. that's a good idea to show her some things on pinterest or magazines, so maybe she can see how times have changed.

the person wasn't with us when we went to the room (its in a separate area from where we had the tasting) and I guess she is right with the questions, I just had hoped for a better response out of them when they saw the place.

I know it - he was leaving it in my hands because its not really a big deal to him to have a wedding, and he wanted me to be happy but its become too overwhelming and I def need him to start helping out.

Even if she hasn't been to church in a while she should know that a priest won't perform a wedding outside of a church except in certain circumstances. Just wanting a different location is not one of those circumstances.

wanting it in another location outside a church isn't my only reasons for not wanting a catholic wedding. it doesn't seem appropriate since neither of even go to church. I had no idea she felt the way she did about it. my mom isn't happy about it either, although I've told her my feelings, I never had that discussion with my fiancées mom.

MairePoppy · November 2013

@jenni1221, I'm not defending her position, just offering a possible explanation of why she may be upset that you're not marrying in the church: Your fmil may not attend church, may not even know much about her religion, but she can return to church and receive the sacraments if she chooses. She may know that her son will no longer be able to receive the sacraments if his marriage isn't valid in the eyes of the church.

I agree with you that it's hypocritical to get married in the church if you don't plan to practice the religion.

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

I know ZILCH about the Catholic religion, but a bit about human nature. Your choice not to attend church now, may change in the future. You might meet a priest who touches your heart, you may feel differently when you have children. I am not one to shut a door that firmly. If not getting married in a Catholic Church means what MariePoppy said about sacraments, then you might want to re-think the ceremony.

Maddie1115 · November 2013

We are going through something similar. (We don't like the gap involved when doing a Catholic ceremony and evening reception.) We just had a meeting with the church. The woman we spoke to said that they prefer a couple get married in the church but with the popularity of destination weddings and wanting to get married in venues you can choose to have your marriage blessed later. It's not ideal but it would keep you involved in the church should you decide later to attend services. That might be an option that would make your FMIL happy.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

I know ZILCH about the Catholic religion, but a bit about human nature. Your choice not to attend church now, may change in the future. You might meet a priest who touches your heart, you may feel differently when you have children. I am not one to shut a door that firmly. If not getting married in a Catholic Church means what MariePoppy said about sacraments, then you might want to re-think the ceremony.

This kind of "you'll change your mind" thinking is patronizing and disrespectful of the actual beliefs of the person it's addressed to. You don't know that she'll change her mind and it's not your mind to change. Whether or not she feels differently ten years down the road, she's getting married in the here and now-if she feels regrets later, that's her business, nobody else's.

If the OP doesn't believe in the Catholic sacraments, then getting married in the Catholic Church to please someone who refuses to accept her as she is is not the answer-and it's not respectful of those who do believe in the tenets of the Catholic Church.

vmj23 · November 2013

i don't know that i want to cut the church out of my life completely, but I also don't feel its right to get married there, pretending like I follow the Catholic religion. It's been the hardest part of this wedding planning, which is why we are less than 7 months from the wedding with still no ceremony planned. The biggest concern I have about not getting married in a church, is being able to raise my children catholic.

tammym1001 · November 2013

Honestly with 7 months left and you not practicing your religion, you may not be able to find a Catholic church to marry you. I'm sure you know it's a process to get married in the Catholic church. You can't just book the building and a priest. Other PP's are correct though that you can have your marriage blessed by the church at a later date if you decide to rejoin the church. That may come into play when you have children and then you would be able to raise your children in the church.

vmj23 · November 2013

tammym1001 said:

Honestly with 7 months left and you not practicing your religion, you may not be able to find a Catholic church to marry you. I'm sure you know it's a process to get married in the Catholic church. You can't just book the building and a priest. Other PP's are correct though that you can have your marriage blessed by the church at a later date if you decide to rejoin the church. That may come into play when you have children and then you would be able to raise your children in the church.

I know it, but my FMIL doesnt seem to get - that its not as simple as "booking" it there. That is part of why i've even avoided contacting churches. I feel they will just tell me "no" anyway, since we don't practice. I didn't realize we could later have our marriage blessed.

tammym1001 · November 2013

We were originally planning on getting married in FI's church and he is Catholic. We had some paperwork issues and now it's too late to fix it so we have to find a new place. The priest told us that a ceremony to have the marriage and rings blessed could be performed later after all the paperwork gets sorted out so that should definitely be an option for you. Your marriage would then be acknowledged by the church.

MairePoppy · November 2013

jenni1221 said:

i don't know that i want to cut the church out of my life completely, but I also don't feel its right to get married there, pretending like I follow the Catholic religion. It's been the hardest part of this wedding planning, which is why we are less than 7 months from the wedding with still no ceremony planned. The biggest concern I have about not getting married in a church, is being able to raise my children catholic.

From my own experience: I grew up Catholic. Since my husband (fi) was a divorced Catholic, the church refused to marry us. We were married in a Congregational Church. When we had children, the Catholic Church welcomed them. We attended the usual baptismal preparation for each baby, promised to raise them in the church and received lots of loving support. We attended mass and were very involved with the spiritual and social life of the church, although we couldn't receive the sacraments. *Not the easiest way to do things.* There were many children in my children's age groups that came from mixed marriage families and the pastor opened his arms to them, as well. I hope you will find a church like that.

This is a serious decision. If you're conflicted, have you considered talking to a priest about it? Sometimes convalidations are refused if the original wedding ceremony took place outside the church for flimsy reasons. And sometimes they are granted because the couple has demonstrated a renewal of faith. But there are no guarantees.

vmj23 · November 2013

MairePoppy said:

This is a serious decision. If you're conflicted, have you considered talking to a priest about it? Sometimes convalidations are refused if the original wedding ceremony took place outside the church for flimsy reasons. And sometimes they are granted because the couple has demonstrated a renewal of faith. But there are no guarantees.

I did leave a message for a priest, who called me back, but i haven't yet returned his call. I would like my fiancee to go to church with me, to sit down and speak with a priest together. If he is unwilling to do so, I am certain that a catholic wedding wouldn't be appropriate for us.

MairePoppy · November 2013

Good for you Jenni1221. You should get all your questions answered before the two of you make a decision. It's your decision to make as a couple, independent from your parents influence. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

jackman36 · November 2013

MairePoppy is correct re talking with a priest prior to your ceremony decision, and most importantly getting your questions addressed. As the years progress your views on life undergo many changes - think hard before you decide whether or not to have a Catholic ceremony.

Ready to cancel the wedding and elope!

Re: Ready to cancel the wedding and elope!

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