Finally...FMIL agrees to something but requests another thing...

soontobemrsbuccheri · November 2013

This past weekend, my FI and I had stopped by his mother's house to drop off her lawn mower that FI fixed. I figured that our visit would be short and sweet as we were heading up to North Jersey to help my sister move (to our house). Well, I was wrong. FI decided (even though we discussed it and I said I would rather not be there) to bring up the seating arrangement at the reception. He asked FMIL nicely if she "would be able to be adult and put aside her differences and issues for 48 hours and sit with FFIL and FSMIL at the reception." She went on a tangent saying that she wanted to be introduced as she walked in. I told her that FI and I decided that we wanted all the parents to be sitting together. FI was very big on this as he thinks it would be nice for our families to "come together" rather then be at separate tables. FMIL said OK, fine but then she requested...scratch that....demanded that FSMIL not be introduced as "Step-mother to the groom." I explained that it was either going to be "Father and Step-Mother" Or "Mr. John Doe - Father of the groom and his wife Mrs. John Doe." She said she really didn't want her introduced period and I said that it will be discussed between myself, FI, FFIL and FSMIL as it pertains to them.

Since we told her this, she keeps bringing it up with people and it's getting back to me and FI. I have no clue how to handle it. We want FSMIL to be included in the introductions and she has been a big part of FI's life and a big supporter of our relationship. She is an awesome person and I get along greater with her than FMIL (I was told this is OK and normal??). FI and I are going to be talking to FFIL and FSMIL this weekend about it to get a feel of what they'd like. If we come to an agreement on how she'll be introduced, I worry about how FMIL may react as she's been making this entire day about HERSELF (FMIL) rather than FI and I.

I miss when planning was fun....

mrsconn23 · November 2013

I think your FI is out of line here. Your FMIL doesn't want to sit with her ex-H at the wedding. Why are you forcing this? Why can't there be three parent/family tables and your FMIL can sit with people she wants to be with? Because everyone KNOWS that FMIL and FFIL have not been a 'family' for years.

Also, why are you even discussing intros with your FMIL? Who cares? Just tell people where and when to line up.

When you 'discuss' these things with people, it makes them think they have a choice in the matter or influence over the final result. If you guys are going to do you, no matter what, then don't discuss with FMIL. Just do your thing.

You and your FI are creating your own headaches here.

LakeR2014 · November 2013

I'm with @mrs.conn23 here. Asking for other peoples thoughts and opinions on your wedding day, is simply asking for headaches. Thankfully I learned that early on and have since kept my mouth shut and am planning the wedding we want (while still adhering to etiquette). Stop talking to your FMIL about it and plan it the way you want then tell her to make her entrance when you want to.

Also seating the divorced couples together - if they're not ok with it - is definitely not cool.

GBCK · November 2013

^that.

I was typing but Mrs. Conn said it better.

Quit 'asking' permission for stuff. Create expectations (as reasonable and accommodating as you can make the expectations. [ Which means not forcing divorced people to spend 5 painful hours together when 2 will do nicely]) and pass them on.

clarke10 · November 2013

I don't think FI should force his parents to sit together. My parents are divorced and my dad is married to the woman he cheated on my mom with. I can't imagine how my mom would feel if I forced her to sit through a meal with that woman.

FMIL doesn't get an input on how FSMIL is introduced. If its important to you and FI that she is acknowledged, by all means do so. Just don't discuss it with FMIL.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Ditto all PPs. This is not a hill for your FI to die on.

ETA: when other people bring it up to you and FI, just bean dip them.

kmmssg · November 2013

Ditto everyone else, but I think your FI is being a jerk to try to force them to sit together to "bring the family together", it does no such thing and will result in a very tense and unpleasant evening. Good choice.

kmj500 · November 2013

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

This past weekend, my FI and I had stopped by his mother's house to drop off her lawn mower that FI fixed. I figured that our visit would be short and sweet as we were heading up to North Jersey to help my sister move (to our house). Well, I was wrong. FI decided (even though we discussed it and I said I would rather not be there) to bring up the seating arrangement at the reception. He asked FMIL nicely if she "would be able to be adult and put aside her differences and issues for 48 hours and sit with FFIL and FSMIL at the reception." She went on a tangent saying that she wanted to be introduced as she walked in. I told her that FI and I decided that we wanted all the parents to be sitting together. FI was very big on this as he thinks it would be nice for our families to "come together" rather then be at separate tables. FMIL said OK, fine but then she requested...scratch that....demanded that FSMIL not be introduced as "Step-mother to the groom." I explained that it was either going to be "Father and Step-Mother" Or "Mr. John Doe - Father of the groom and his wife Mrs. John Doe." She said she really didn't want her introduced period and I said that it will be discussed between myself, FI, FFIL and FSMIL as it pertains to them.

Since we told her this, she keeps bringing it up with people and it's getting back to me and FI. I have no clue how to handle it. We want FSMIL to be included in the introductions and she has been a big part of FI's life and a big supporter of our relationship. She is an awesome person and I get along greater with her than FMIL (I was told this is OK and normal??). FI and I are going to be talking to FFIL and FSMIL this weekend about it to get a feel of what they'd like. If we come to an agreement on how she'll be introduced, I worry about how FMIL may react as she's been making this entire day about HERSELF (FMIL) rather than FI and I.

I miss when planning was fun....

When we decided to stop including the inlaws in our wedding conversations, planning became fun again. If you want it done a certain way and they aren't helping financially in the specific area, just do it. There are numerous things we've done that FMIL doesn't approve of (such as our choice in caterer, the fact that I ordered a designer dress instead of buying a second hand one online, the guest list, on and on and on!), but we don't care. They aren't helping financially and if they can't be supportive of us, they don't get to be involved.

If the divorced parents don't want to sit together, it might be for the best though. Some of them obviously can't be mature adults for just one day and I'd be worried about one of them causing a scene. Just put them at tables next to each other and fill with other important family members.

soontobemrsbuccheri · November 2013

kmj500 said:

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

This past weekend, my FI and I had stopped by his mother's house to drop off her lawn mower that FI fixed. I figured that our visit would be short and sweet as we were heading up to North Jersey to help my sister move (to our house). Well, I was wrong. FI decided (even though we discussed it and I said I would rather not be there) to bring up the seating arrangement at the reception. He asked FMIL nicely if she "would be able to be adult and put aside her differences and issues for 48 hours and sit with FFIL and FSMIL at the reception." She went on a tangent saying that she wanted to be introduced as she walked in. I told her that FI and I decided that we wanted all the parents to be sitting together. FI was very big on this as he thinks it would be nice for our families to "come together" rather then be at separate tables. FMIL said OK, fine but then she requested...scratch that....demanded that FSMIL not be introduced as "Step-mother to the groom." I explained that it was either going to be "Father and Step-Mother" Or "Mr. John Doe - Father of the groom and his wife Mrs. John Doe." She said she really didn't want her introduced period and I said that it will be discussed between myself, FI, FFIL and FSMIL as it pertains to them.

Since we told her this, she keeps bringing it up with people and it's getting back to me and FI. I have no clue how to handle it. We want FSMIL to be included in the introductions and she has been a big part of FI's life and a big supporter of our relationship. She is an awesome person and I get along greater with her than FMIL (I was told this is OK and normal??). FI and I are going to be talking to FFIL and FSMIL this weekend about it to get a feel of what they'd like. If we come to an agreement on how she'll be introduced, I worry about how FMIL may react as she's been making this entire day about HERSELF (FMIL) rather than FI and I.

I miss when planning was fun....

When we decided to stop including the inlaws in our wedding conversations, planning became fun again. If you want it done a certain way and they aren't helping financially in the specific area, just do it. There are numerous things we've done that FMIL doesn't approve of (such as our choice in caterer, the fact that I ordered a designer dress instead of buying a second hand one online, the guest list, on and on and on!), but we don't care. They aren't helping financially and if they can't be supportive of us, they don't get to be involved.
If the divorced parents don't want to sit together, it might be for the best though. Some of them obviously can't be mature adults for just one day and I'd be worried about one of them causing a scene. Just put them at tables next to each other and fill with other important family members.

What's funny is FFIL and FSMIL don't see any reason why they wouldn't want to sit with FMIL. They are adults and have put the past in the past. It's FMIL that likes to drag FFIL through the mud. She called the other day to rant about something FFIL didn't do (why should he bend over backwards to fix something at her house when she bought him out of it when they got divorced over 12 years ago) and I didn't want anything to do with it. I flat out told FMIL that if she can't get along with him for one day - for HER son's wedding - then she doesn't need to come. She took that to heart and apologized. I told her I was tired of being put through her shit. I think she's gotten the hint.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

This is sounding weirder and weirder. Why are FFIL and FMIL still in touch and why is he fixing stuff in her house? My parents have been divorced for about 13 years and never speak except when they are at graduations, etc. Even then they wouldn't sit together, just say hi if they end up face-to-face accidentally. I would never expect them to sit together. Even though they are pleasant to each other when they see each other, they are no longer a family and it seems silly to pretend that.

I think this whole family dynamic is something you should stay far away from. Let them sit apart, stop discussing wedding details, and bean dip FMIL when she badmouths FFIL.

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

scribe95 said:

Just because she doesn't want to sit her ex doesn't mean she shouldn't be able to come to her son's wedding. . I think you went too far there. And you should let your FI handle these discussions.

Actually, no, I didn't. I have every right to tell someone who is consistently complaining about what the ex did from 12 years ago that I have had to put my foot down. FI has said the same thing that he will not allow her negativity to be brought into our wedding day.

JCBride2014 said:

This is sounding weirder and weirder. Why are FFIL and FMIL still in touch and why is he fixing stuff in her house? My parents have been divorced for about 13 years and never speak except when they are at graduations, etc. Even then they wouldn't sit together, just say hi if they end up face-to-face accidentally. I would never expect them to sit together. Even though they are pleasant to each other when they see each other, they are no longer a family and it seems silly to pretend that.

I think this whole family dynamic is something you should stay far away from. Let them sit apart, stop discussing wedding details, and bean dip FMIL when she badmouths FFIL.

I really don't know why she calls him to fix things on the house that he hasn't lived in, in over 12 years. He doesn't help her so she calls FI to come help. Half the time it's a simple fix where she could do it herself, but she makes the calls so that way she has something to complain about if it can't be done when she wants it. There has been times that she'll call me and ask me to help her with something, only for me to show up for her to show me what it is that she needs help with and then proceeds to do it herself while complaining to me about god knows what. It's gotten to the point that when she calls, she either wants/needs something or is complaining about whatever and I tend to keep it short and sweet - ask her what she is looking for. I've learned how to say no to her (which I hate doing as she is FMIL) but the drama has gotten to be too much. If she calls FI and wants to talk to me, I tell him I'm busy and we'll talk later...to which he gets the hint (he doesn't really like talking to her either).

Eh, I'm going to not deal with it anymore. I'll just ignore her (if that is at all possible).

mrsconn23 · December 2013

You can't change people, only your reaction to them. There's no dictating whether or not MIL will 'bring her negativity' to her wedding, but you can minimize it by paying it no mind. And you probably won't have time to pay attention to her anyway.

I think you're well on the path by keeping things short and sweet when she calls to bitch and/or making your FI deal with her for the most part. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). You guys would be there if something is a true emergency, but responding to all the little BS can get tiring and make you feel resentful.

raw1299 · December 2013

let her sit somewhere else, and nod head to what she says, then go do your own thing. In future reference, don't bring up anything thats a sore point to your fmil.

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

mrs.conn23 said:

You can't change people, only your reaction to them. There's no dictating whether or not MIL will 'bring her negativity' to her wedding, but you can minimize it by paying it no mind. And you probably won't have time to pay attention to her anyway.

I think you're well on the path by keeping things short and sweet when she calls to bitch and/or making your FI deal with her for the most part. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). You guys would be there if something is a true emergency, but responding to all the little BS can get tiring and make you feel resentful.

She called me last night because she needed help moving the fridge back into place after she moved it to vacuum behind it. FI wasn't home yet (and he wasn't answering his cell phone) so I told her that she should call FBIL to come help her. She didn't question, so that's good. I'm aware I can't change people. I just don't understand how a grown adult can be so damn petty.

raw1299 said:

let her sit somewhere else, and nod head to what she says, then go do your own thing. In future reference, don't bring up anything thats a sore point to your fmil.

I told FI this and he said "Well, then she'd be getting her way, like she has with other things in regards to the wedding." I agreed and he said that she would be fine sitting there. It's only during introductions and dinner - after that she can do whatever. So, I don't know. I'm not getting in the middle anymore. If FMIL wants to be a big baby, she can. It won't bother me. I have my MOH and SIL to back me up if/when needed if FMIL causes issues.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

mrs.conn23 said:

You can't change people, only your reaction to them. There's no dictating whether or not MIL will 'bring her negativity' to her wedding, but you can minimize it by paying it no mind. And you probably won't have time to pay attention to her anyway.

I think you're well on the path by keeping things short and sweet when she calls to bitch and/or making your FI deal with her for the most part. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). You guys would be there if something is a true emergency, but responding to all the little BS can get tiring and make you feel resentful.

She called me last night because she needed help moving the fridge back into place after she moved it to vacuum behind it. FI wasn't home yet (and he wasn't answering his cell phone) so I told her that she should call FBIL to come help her. She didn't question, so that's good. I'm aware I can't change people. I just don't understand how a grown adult can be so damn petty.

raw1299 said:

let her sit somewhere else, and nod head to what she says, then go do your own thing. In future reference, don't bring up anything thats a sore point to your fmil.

I told FI this and he said "Well, then she'd be getting her way, like she has with other things in regards to the wedding." I agreed and he said that she would be fine sitting there. It's only during introductions and dinner - after that she can do whatever. So, I don't know. I'm not getting in the middle anymore. If FMIL wants to be a big baby, she can. It won't bother me. I have my MOH and SIL to back me up if/when needed if FMIL causes issues.

So your FI is going to force his own mother to sit with her ex husband and his wife, which she has no desire to do, because he wants to be controlling. That's what I hear in this statement- he is having a power struggle with his mother.

I'm with other PP's, I think it is ridiculous and kind of cruel to force a divorced couple to sit together for the sake of "bringing the families together" when one half of the divorced pair has absolutely no desire to do this. This sounds like your FI has unresolved issues with his parent's divorce, and he seems like the one being the baby here.

Let your FMIL sit with people she will actually enjoy sitting with, sheesh! If you don't want her to bring negativity to your wedding, forcing her to sit with her ex is NOT the way to accomplish that. It's not just your FI's day or your day, by the way. . . it's also a big day for your parents, so why spoil it for your FMIL, FFIL, and FSMIL by forcing them all to have an unpleasant dinner?

scribe95 said:

Just because she doesn't want to sit her ex doesn't mean she shouldn't be able to come to her son's wedding. . I think you went too far there. And you should let your FI handle these discussions.

Also, this.

JCBride2014 said:

I think this whole family dynamic is something you should stay far away from. Let them sit apart, stop discussing wedding details, and bean dip FMIL when she badmouths FFIL.

And this.

clarke10 · December 2013

Please, please, please don't make FI's divorced parents sit together. You should be trying to make sure they be comfortable, not spending an awkward dinner together. As a child of divorce, I know how painful it would be for my mom to have to sit with my step-mother. Please don't do this to them.

mrsconn23 · December 2013

OMG, STAHP already.

Don't make the woman sit with her ex. It's not getting 'her way', it's common-effing-courtesy. Just because you have 'back-up' doesn't make it right.

Stop discussing wedding details with her. If she calls and you don't feel like dealing with her, don't answer. Let her leave a VM to tell you whatever.

Again, what you're saying here leads me to believe that you're making your own problems with her. Yes, she may be annoying and pushy, but it doesn't make every single thing she says or does wrong.

Finally...FMIL agrees to something but requests another thing...

Re: Finally...FMIL agrees to something but requests another thing...

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