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Moms and Maids

FMIL may not make it to the wedding

I will start off with a little background info...

My fiancé is in the Air Force and is currently in tech school 15 hours away. We are getting married between his graduation and our moving to his duty station. We have one weekend. Also, my FMIL owns a tax business which is really busy at the beginning of the year. The one weekend we will be able to have the wedding is the first weekend of tax season. She claims that she makes the majority of the year's income on this weekend.

Now to the situation... She says the only day she would possibly be able to attend is on Sunday. We are having our wedding on that Sunday. I originally had scheduled the ceremony to start at 6 p.m., but I do not have enough money to pay for everyone to eat dinner. I debated moving the ceremony up to 2 p.m. and having hors d'oeuvres. My fiancé agreed because we would also be able to take pictures during the day. I warned him that his mom may not be able to make it and he replied with something like "It's her son's wedding, if she can't make it then it's her loss." Later when he told his mom that it would be at two instead, she freaks and cries to him saying that she can't make it. This whole time he has been reminding me that it is "OUR wedding." Now he wants to move it back to 6. 

I understand him wanting his mom there, but he voted for it to be moved up even after I warned him. I am thinking about moving it to 4pm, but she doesn't know if she can even make that... Am I wrong for not wanting to give up things because she can't? If I do move it back to six, are people going to get full of of hors d'oeuvres?

Re: FMIL may not make it to the wedding

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It sounds like she just doesn't know whether or not she can make it at all.  I've done tax work before, and I know myself that the weekend around April 15 is a very hard time for tax preparers because yes, most work does come in around that time.

    I think I would say to your FI, "FI, the important thing is that you and I are married, whether or not your mother is there.  Let's just plan the wedding, and if she can come, she will.  But the boat can't even sail as long as we keep changing plans.  So let's just make the plans now, and if your mother can't make it, while that's sad, it's not going to invalidate our wedding if she doesn't."  If the wedding starts at 6pm, you can have heavy hors d'oeuvres and desserts with cocktails to follow.
  • edited November 2013
    I think that you should make every effort to accommodate having his mother there. Yeah, I know he said that he was OK with moving it, but clearly he's not, and I think if you force the issue, he will resent you.

    Either cut the guest list to a number you can afford to feed dinner to, or cut out the alcohol, or serve less-expensive meal options. Or move the wedding back to 7, which would allow people to eat before hand.

    It seems like your FI is not really OK with not having his mother there, despite what he said.

    ETA: fix typo.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    lizybeffdoeydo[Deleted User]jendemeyer
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2013
    I agree with HisGirlFriday13. I understand scheduling and money is tight, but this is important to your fi and FMIL. Do you want to be the wife who planned a wedding knowing that her husband's mother wouldn't be able to attend. Cut the guest list if you have to, or move the wedding to later so a meal won't be expected.

    ditto Scribe95  a buffet may be less expensive than hors d'oeuvres.

    Edit spelling
                
    doeydo[Deleted User]s-aries8990
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AnR121011 said:
    I will start off with a little background info...

    My fiancé is in the Air Force and is currently in tech school 15 hours away. We are getting married between his graduation and our moving to his duty station. We have one weekend. Also, my FMIL owns a tax business which is really busy at the beginning of the year. The one weekend we will be able to have the wedding is the first weekend of tax season. She claims that she makes the majority of the year's income on this weekend.

    Now to the situation... She says the only day she would possibly be able to attend is on Sunday. We are having our wedding on that Sunday. I originally had scheduled the ceremony to start at 6 p.m., but I do not have enough money to pay for everyone to eat dinner. I debated moving the ceremony up to 2 p.m. and having hors d'oeuvres. My fiancé agreed because we would also be able to take pictures during the day. I warned him that his mom may not be able to make it and he replied with something like "It's her son's wedding, if she can't make it then it's her loss." Later when he told his mom that it would be at two instead, she freaks and cries to him saying that she can't make it. This whole time he has been reminding me that it is "OUR wedding." Now he wants to move it back to 6. 

    I understand him wanting his mom there, but he voted for it to be moved up even after I warned him. I am thinking about moving it to 4pm, but she doesn't know if she can even make that... Am I wrong for not wanting to give up things because she can't? If I do move it back to six, are people going to get full of of hors d'oeuvres?

    Our estates department goes crazy for the month and a half before April 15th.  They all work non-stop all day and come in early/leave late.  So if this is when FI's mom makes her money for the year, it could really hurt her bottom line for her own income for the year.

    And while your FI liked the idea of the 2 pm ceremony, he obviously wants his mom there more than a 2 pm ceremony start time.  So push your ceremony back.  Try to push it back to 7 pm, then put on the invitation cocktail reception to follow or dessert reception to follow.  That is late enough and gives indication to people that there will be no dinner served.

    Another way you could cut back, if you are having a first look.  There will be no need for a cocktail hour, since you & FI can go right to the reception to start dinner or whatever food you decide to serve.

    MairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • Is there any way to cut the guest list so you can afford to have the evening reception and feed everyone? I can't imagine scheduling the wedding when I KNOW FI's mom wouldn't be able to make it. You should consider how he might feel about this. How would you feel if he wanted to schedule the wedding when he knew your mom wouldn't be able to come?
    image
    MairePoppy
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @clarke10 and I can imagine how uncomfortable it might be to sit down at holiday meals, for many, many years,  after excluding MIL her from the wedding. 
                
    mchuskerfan
  • @clarke10 and I can imagine how uncomfortable it might be to sit down at holiday meals, for many, many years,  after excluding MIL her from the wedding. 
    Exactly. OP, remember this woman will be in your life for a long time!
    image
  • I completely understand the angle of making sure the date/time work for your VIPs. And Marie/clark are right - she's going to be in your family for the rest of your life and this will always be a source of contention if she can't attend. However, I don't really think her decline would be YOUR fault. You both have serious conflicts - she's busy and you all can't afford to host dinner. Something's gotta give. If you don't have the money to host dinner, you don't have the money. It's not going to just pop up out of no where. 

    I think your FI should lay this out for her, "Mom - we are trying really hard to include you by having the wedding on a Sunday. We understand it's super busy for your business and the timing is bad, but we're doing the best we can. We've crunched the numbers and we simply can't afford to host dinner - which we'll need to do if we have the wedding at 6pm. The only thing we can afford is to do a non-meal time and that puts us at 2pm. We're trying really hard to work this out, but we simply can't afford to have the wedding at 6pm." 

    Maybe I'm being ignorant, but if she OWNS the tax business, what's the difference if she takes a few hours off to do the wedding at 2pm or if she takes a few hours off to do the wedding at 6pm? When you're the business owner, I think you can at least flex your hours for your son's wedding.
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  • Do you need to get married on this particular weekend?  it sounds like it would be better if you moved it to another time of year.  Is the issue that you can't live on the base with him unless you're married?  That would make sense.

     

    Sunday night weddings are hard - you can probably get away with apps and dessert if your ceremony is 7pm or later, but expect that most guests aren't going to be dancing the night away until 11pm on a night when they have to go to work the next day.  If money is an issue, you can just downsize and invite only immediate family and VIPs to a simple JOP ceremony followed by dinner at a normal restaurant.

     

    I wouldn't intentionally plan a wedding for a time that my FMIL definitely won't be able to attend - she'll resert you for it for years.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I completely understand the angle of making sure the date/time work for your VIPs. And Marie/clark are right - she's going to be in your family for the rest of your life and this will always be a source of contention if she can't attend. However, I don't really think her decline would be YOUR fault. You both have serious conflicts - she's busy and you all can't afford to host dinner. Something's gotta give. If you don't have the money to host dinner, you don't have the money. It's not going to just pop up out of no where. 

    I think your FI should lay this out for her, "Mom - we are trying really hard to include you by having the wedding on a Sunday. We understand it's super busy for your business and the timing is bad, but we're doing the best we can. We've crunched the numbers and we simply can't afford to host dinner - which we'll need to do if we have the wedding at 6pm. The only thing we can afford is to do a non-meal time and that puts us at 2pm. We're trying really hard to work this out, but we simply can't afford to have the wedding at 6pm." 

    Maybe I'm being ignorant, but if she OWNS the tax business, what's the difference if she takes a few hours off to do the wedding at 2pm or if she takes a few hours off to do the wedding at 6pm? When you're the business owner, I think you can at least flex your hours for your son's wedding.
    I agree with everything you said until the bolded.  Tax time for any accountant is the time of year they make their money.  Closing for the wedding seriously could affect the mom's household budget for the year.  It would be different if she had employees who could keep working while she attended the wedding, but it sounds like she works for herself. 

    There is a solution here, hopefully it can be figured out where the mom can attend and OP will be properly hosting her guests.
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