Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have two grown daughters, “Holly” and “Ivy.” I also
have another much older daughter, “Gertrude,” born during my brief first
marriage. Holly and Ivy are both married and have small children.
Gertrude never married and has no children. Holly and Ivy have never
been particularly close to Gertrude, but in recent years, their
relationship has deteriorated to the point that Holly and Ivy have told
me that they do not wish to visit my house if Gertrude is there. While I
don't know exactly what caused the rift (Gertrude claims to have no
idea) I suspect that Gertrude, who unfortunately inherited my ex’s
rather difficult personality, has said or done something to deeply
offend her sisters. Holly, Ivy, and their families spend Thanksgiving
and Christmas at my home. We decorate the house, bake cookies and pies
with the grandchildren, go sledding or for walks in the woods, and
generally have a picture-perfect holiday. Gertrude usually comes to
visit for a few weekends at other times of the year and we have a lovely
time together. Gertrude has recently informed me that she is very hurt
that I do not invite her to my home for the holidays. While it’s too
late to do anything about this year since Holly and Ivy have already
made travel plans, I wonder how best to handle subsequent years. Should I
maintain the status quo and tolerate Gertrude’s hurt feelings? Should I
start a schedule of alternating holidays, for example, hosting Holly
and Ivy next Thanksgiving, then having Gertrude visit at Christmas? The
problem with alternating holidays means that my husband and I will have
less time with our grandchildren, a prospect which makes us both
extremely sad.