MOH Advice - Budget Disagreements

Trixeetrix · January 2014

So this is my first time being a Matron of Honor so I am by no means an "expert". The bride chose myself and another close friend to be maid of honor. This was exciting as I got along just fine with the other MOH. Her wedding is still many months away and I got a random message from the other MOH the other day basically saying "if you can't afford to pay for x, y and z you should not be in the wedding". This disturbed me so I decided to talk it out with her in a mature fashion. I was shocked to hear her outlook on weddings. I told her I thought that we should speak with every bridesmaid (privately) to see what their budgets are for a shower and once we have a number plan around that. There are many wonderful things you can do and so many options. I know myself that I have a tight budget, which i explained, and I can imagine others have budget restraints as well. While I can contribute something I can't agree to contribute "however much it costs" as she wanted me to. I would need to set a dollar value that is comfortable for me and I wanted this to be clear up front as their would be no dispute over it later. She basically said this was unfair to the bride and everyone else in the wedding and that I should not be in a wedding if I can't throw her a nice shower, which would mean catering, decorations, etc. I explained that a BBQ could be a nice shower - especially in the nice weather but she felt this would be "skimping out" on the bride and not make her experience the best. I see where she is coming from and can't fault her for wanting the best for her friend. I want the best for her too. But her take on weddings is that if one agrees to be in it than they must pay for whatever it takes to make it a wonderful day. I told her that I wouldn't feel right just planning something and then saying "hey girls you owe 250". I would think a number should be worked out prior so that nobody is made to feel uncomfortable. She did not agree and said she would not be responsible for throwing a crappy shower and would not do that to the bride because someone couldn't afford something. I tried to explain that a "crappy" shower is not defined by its price tag but she was not on the same page. While I respect her opinion I am not sure how to compromise here. I tried reasoning with her but she got very angry with me and just kept saying I shouldn't be in the wedding if I can't pay for stuff. I don't think we will ever be on the same page on this subject. I don't feel right pestering the bride with such pettiness as she is completely unaware that this is going on. Matter of fact she is very down to earth and would be grateful for any shower that was thrown for her if it costed 5$ or 500$ and I don't think she would care if it was homemade food, hotdogs and hamburgers or catered for that matter. Perhaps it is me who is wrong about this etiquette and that is why I am turning to you ladies. Any advice / input you have would be greatly appreciated.

KeptInStitches · January 2014

You're in the right. Maybe the best way to approach this would be to hold firm to "this is what I can afford," especially if you want to plan the bride a shower and/or bachelorette party. If co-MOH realizes that she won't be getting $250 (ex) from all of you, she'll be forced to realign her expectations. Of course, she could also complain far and wide about how "she wanted to give the bride so much more but the other BMs/MOH don't love her as much", but that reflects poorly on her, not you.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

Hold firm to what you can afford. If she doesn't like it, tough. She sounds like a bitch and if she throws a temper tantrum that will just confirm it to everyone around her.

aurianna · January 2014

Wow. I'm sorry she's being difficult.
Definitely hold firm.

And seriously... I don't know if I could hold my tongue with that kind of attitude from her.

Personally, the next time she said "you shouldn't be in the wedding" I would say something like:
"Regardless of what you think, the bride does think I should be in the wedding, and that is what important. I would appreciate that you stop second-guessing the bride's decision in who her friends are. I am not leaving the bridal party and I am not spending more money for parties than I can afford. So while you're entitled to your opinions about the financial obligations of a bridesmaid, they are moot and not constructive. It would be better for everyone if we just move forward and plan the very best shower and party we can with the actual budget we have."

But I sort of enjoy stirring the pot...

cruffino · January 2014

you're right. she's wrong.

i would do an end run around her by sending out an email to all of the bridesmaids, individually, her cc'ed on each, saying "hi, moh and i are so excited to start planning x,y,z events for bride. we have had a few ideas in mind, but want to hear from you about what you envision and what budget you would be comfortable with. can;t wait for all of the festivities!"

then, once i heard back from all the bm's, i would send a group email about how excited you are, these are the ideas, and this is the budget.

who does she think she is saying people have to pay any amount and if they can't they're no good?

Trixeetrix · January 2014

Honestly I am having a hard time being nice about her comment but I am doing it for the bride. I really considered MOH a close friend so I am having a hard time understanding why she would treat me like this at all. One minute we were BOTH discussing not having a ton of money and the next she is telling me I shouldn't be in it because of my finances! I really appreciate the feedback because honestly I want to just back out of the wedding thinking this might be the best solution to the disagreements to follow in the next 9 months. I do not want my friends wedding process to be full of arguments and disagreements or make her feel like she has to chose a side.

Also - I never gave her a dollar amount on my budget and she never asked which kinda made me wonder where all this came from?

MairePoppy · January 2014

I can't find a single fault in your reasoning. The other MOH is rude and presumptuous. FTR, a barbecue shower is a very nice option.

I think you'd be doing the bride a disservice by dropping out. The other MOH would then attempt to bully the bms. I like cruffino's solution.

tammym1001 · January 2014

Knowing that you and the MOH are friends and this came out of the blue before you even really discussed a budget, it almost makes me feel like this is a jealousy thing. Maybe she wants to be the only MOH so she's trying to guilt you into dropping out or she wants to try to prove she's a better friend than you. Have you ever had any issues with her before and some jealousy about your bride friend?

Trixeetrix · January 2014

Thank you Maire. I like cruffino's solution too. Except when I mentioned getting input from everyone she got offended and said its the job of the MOH not the bms. I think that her idea is that MOH plans it, makes all the choices and tells everyone what they owe / what to do. I can't fault MOH for just having a different outlook than I do, but I can't bring myself to accept her way either. (And I am sure she feels the same way about my outlook.) Our ideas of what to do for the bride are just nowhere near similar and I can't see this ending well or me being able to live with myself when it all blows up and the bride is upset.

Trixeetrix · January 2014

Exactly what I started to think Tammy! I personally have not had any issues with her in the past but other friends have. She can be a bit difficult at times but it seemed like she had a good heart.

MairePoppy · January 2014

The other MOH is absolutely wrong. It's never correct to plan an event and then bill out the costs to others, without any input from them. We've seen plenty of posts from bms who were the victims of such rude behavior.

I would proceed with emailing the other bms to ask IF and what they would like to contribute. There may be bms who want to bring food, others may want to contribute cash and some may not be able to help at all. There's no rule that says everyone must contribute equally. You're wise to want to know exactly what you're working with, before you plan.

Trixeetrix · January 2014

I agree but she does not. She said "nobody has any complaints about the cost except you"

Maybe because she didn't tell them how much!! Besides the shower wont be until July or August - nobody is thinking about that now! Apparently she has already called places and started planning - which I had no idea! I really feel pigeon-holed right now. There really isn't anything I can do without stirring up trouble.

aurianna · January 2014

Odds are if the other girls even know the cost (which they probably don't), she probably said it to a bunch of them at once "this is what it's going to be," and no one wanted to be the one to rain on the parade. That's why asking each BM individually is definitely the best way to go. They'll probably be much more honest if they don't have an audience.

Putting something firmly in place is also a good way to avoid cost creep. She could tell them all now it's $250 a person but then keep everyone out of the loop and start to add features that might make it end up being $350.
If there's a final dollar amount in place, then she'll know if she wants something more expensive than that, she'll have to foot the bill.

Any chance you could just float the idea of a BBQ by the bride? Don't let her know there are issues with MoH but just something like, "I'm so excited about your wedding. We're already thinking about the shower. Hey! What do you think about a BBQ?"

Try to gauge her enthusiasm level and if she seems to sincerely like the idea then you have a hill you can die on with the MoH. If she doesn't seem that excited about it... Well you're still awesome for throwing her a shower, and you do not need to cave to anything the MoH wants, but assuming you get her to stick firm to the budget, you could maybe compromise on something that's more like her shower vision, but less expensive? Just a thought though. You don't owe this chick jack.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Trixeetrix said:

I agree but she does not. She said "nobody has any complaints about the cost except you"
Maybe because she didn't tell them how much!! Besides the shower wont be until July or August - nobody is thinking about that now! Apparently she has already called places and started planning - which I had no idea! I really feel pigeon-holed right now. There really isn't anything I can do without stirring up trouble.

Then, sadly, if you can't afford or aren't able or willing to do what she wants, you have no choice but to stir up trouble.

Consider contacting the other WP members and find out what they were told and what they agreed to. If everyone else is truly okay with her plans, you might just have to say, "I can contribute X but no more than that" and even go to the bride as a last resort. Otherwise, if you can get some consensus with at least one other WP member, you might be able to say to the co-MOH, "I checked with everyone, and what you told me isn't true: A isn't okay with this either. Sorry, but we're not going to accept being 'invoiced' by you for this. I can only contribute X and am not going to pay more than that. Nor do you have any right to expect me to pay more or step down as co-MOH. That's strictly up to Bride."

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

We're all on this board because we have been or will be or are brides. Most of us have also been BMs, MOHs, etc.

I know that (a) as a MOH (three times), I always, always, ALWAYS consulted the other BMs on the shower -- costs, ideas, dates, etc. No one ever said, "Oh, just invoice me for it" and (b) as a bride, I would have been FURIOUS to find out that one of my friends was treating my other friends this poorly -- but I would have wanted to find out so that I could take the MOH aside and gently but firmly tell her, 'Look, word has filtered back to me that you think X, Y, and Z, and I think we need to clear up some misconceptions right now about how I expect you to treat my other friends.'

But I think this needs to be brought to the bride's attention sooner rather than later, because the last thing you want is for this MOH to bully the other BMs to the point where they feel like they have to either over-spend or drop out of the wedding.

Trixeetrix · January 2014

Thank you all for your words of advice and support. You have all given me the confidence I need to stand up to her bullying. She has no right to tell me I can't be in someone's wedding because my checkbook isn't as fat as hers. I think bothering the bride with this will send her over the edge as she is stressed enough already. I want to handle this in a way with the least impact on her so I will instead talk to a family member of hers and explain to them what is going on. I really don't think anyone is aware that co-MOH has already "planned a shower" that is 7 months away without asking anyone's input. I only know 1 out of the other 3 WP members so its difficult for me to talk to them about this since I don't have a relationship with them. I am sure I will be back for more advice soon!

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

Trixeetrix said:

Thank you all for your words of advice and support. You have all given me the confidence I need to stand up to her bullying. She has no right to tell me I can't be in someone's wedding because my checkbook isn't as fat as hers. I think bothering the bride with this will send her over the edge as she is stressed enough already. I want to handle this in a way with the least impact on her so I will instead talk to a family member of hers and explain to them what is going on. I really don't think anyone is aware that co-MOH has already "planned a shower" that is 7 months away without asking anyone's input. I only know 1 out of the other 3 WP members so its difficult for me to talk to them about this since I don't have a relationship with them. I am sure I will be back for more advice soon!

I would not recommend doing this. There is no need for you as an adult to draw other adults into this drama with the other MOH.

Deal with the MOH directly; the next time shower and budget things come up, tell her that you have a personal budget of X for these activities and that amount is non negotiable. Also reiterate to her that before anyone plans anything, you must talk about these pre weddings events with the rest of the WP individually, find out if they are even interested in hosting these events, and what their individual budgets are.

Then you should take the initiate and contact each of the BMs individually and ask them if they are interested in hosting these events, what their individual budgets are, etc. Do not mention any of this drama with the other MOH to them, however. If you don't have their contact info, ask the Bride if she can provide their emails.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

Do not speak with her family members. You are both adults and should handle this without bringing in anyone else.

Let her know your budget but if she continues to plan the shower without getting anyone else's input, including yours, or keeping budgets in mind, then calmly let her know that she will be on her own when the bill comes.

MOH Advice - Budget Disagreements

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