MOH caught in a dilemma (a little long)

heyheyern · January 2014

I am a MOH in my brother and FSIL's August 2014 wedding and I am thrilled and honored that they asked me. I have recently run into a problem that I'm not sure how to deal with. I am either in charge of or helping to plan: 2 bridal showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, the rehearsal dinner, and a small luncheon the day after the wedding. Most of these events are happening in the town my brother lives in which is almost 6 hours from where I live. I have no problem with all of the "duties" I have taken on but I have encountered a "Zilla"-moment.

Our youngest brother is in the military and will be deploying a few weeks before the wedding. Since he can't make it to the wedding, he can take leave and be home for the co-ed bridal shower my mom, sisters, and I are planning in our hometown (which is 3.5 hours from my home and almost 9 from the engaged). I suggested that after the shower was over we should invite friends and family over to spend some time with our soldier before he is gone for 6-12 months. Just a small gathering, probably with beer and pizza, at my parents house. This would be completely separate from anything wedding related and a good way to keep the focus on the bride & groom at their shower. This idea went over great with everyone BUT the bride and groom. They are upset that little brother gets a spotlight and they have to share their time. I got snappy and reminded them that we have been elbow deep in wedding plans for almost a year and the entire summer from Memorial Weekend through August is full of THEIR wedding stuff that others are offering to do for them so they shouldn't have a problem with giving up a few hours of attention.

My questions are: Am I wrong by planning a get together for our brother after the bridal shower is over? Should I scrap the extra party and just focus on the bridal shower? And was I out of line for snapping at them? Be brutal, I can take it. TIA!

heyheyern · January 2014

fixed for grammatical and other errors.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

No, you aren't even remotely out of line. Your brother and FSIL are.

I'd tell them to put on their grown-up panties and GTFO themselves, because they get ONE damn day not a whole fucking summer.

Also, they had better not have freaking ASKED YOU to do any of that -- if they did, then double shame on them.

And please thank your deploying brother for his service. I really mean that -- thank him for those of us he's serving.

ETA: fix typo; should have been GTFO not GF.

AddieCake · January 2014

Yeah, they are out of line. Sounds like they are going to be one of those couples that experiences post-wedding depression if they can't give up a little time out of their weddingpalooza to honor your brother a little

.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

At this point I would say fuck the bride and groom and their ridiculous "everything needs to be about us" attitude.

You are not wrong for planning what you are planning. And how horrible for them that they can't remove the wedding blinders long enough to realize that others still have lives and things going on that are just as important if not more important then their wedding. And what is even worse is that the groom is this guys brother. What an ass for no wanting to have a small gathering to give his little bro a nice send off before he leaves for a year.

To sum up, the bride and groom are assholes and you are not doing anything wrong.

kmmssg · January 2014

I tried counting to 3 before I started typing. Really, I did. It didn't help.

First off - how very kind of you to be so involved in their wedding festivities. You do realize you aren't required to do all of that, right? If you volunteered, you are truly a saint. If you were voluntold, you need to tell them to take a hike.

I am a 26 year vet. I am no one special, I was just really lucky to get to serve. I am hokey/cheesy patriotic and come from a military family. I was lucky. Your brother the Soldier? He is awesome and very special to me. Please express my gratitude for his service and my wishes for a quick and safe deployment.

Your other brother? What a jerk! All I am seeing is an extremely selfish couple here who are very spoiled and entitled. They need a serious come to Jesus meeting about being decent human beings. Are either set of parents willing to do this? If not, maybe we can work something out. I have no words for their behavior.

As far as the get together for your good brother while he is home? Go for it! Invite everyone you can afford that he would enjoy seeing (and vice verse). Take a ton of pictures and make sure he has them prior to his deployment. You guys will enjoy the pictures while he is gone and he will be able to share his family with his fellow Soldiers while he is deployed.

You were so right to snap at them. They need to be brought back into reality. Do you think it made them think about the situation at all or do they just see you as not being as focused on their wedding as you should be? Someone needs to knock them down a rung on the ladder of self importance.

Oh, and one other thing while my temper is flaring. After the wedding, if they start playing the "Oh, my poor brother is deployed and we are so worried about him" card - ask them where there concern was when he was home to see them before he left. Yes, they have really pissed me off this morning.

You and your good brother rock on and show the selfish, self-absorbed one how to act.

heyheyern · January 2014

Thanks for the responses!

I am glad that I am not alone in thinking a few hours (during Memorial Day weekend of all times) it is okay to honor our brother. And the two "parties" are going to be completely separate.

@HisGirlFriday - No they have not asked me to do any of this except for to come over to try on bridesmaid dresses. FSIL doesn't have any immediate family who can help out or get excited over wedding plans (only child, mom passed away a few years back, and estranged dad) so I have happily filled the sister/family role to help her out. Plus my brother and I are super close. I am very excited about everything wedding related, I was just really bothered by the above situation. And thank you for your kind words to my younger brother

MairePoppy · January 2014

Since you and your brother, the groom, are close, you should let him know how hurtful his and fi's behavior is toward you and your family. He needs to have some sense knocked into his foolish head. No couple is entitled to have everyone's life focused on them for an entire year leading up to their wedding. They are fortunate that you and their loved ones are doing so, so much for them.

After the shower, you and your family may do whatever you like for the remainder of the weekend. Make the most of the time you have with your military brother before he's deployed. I'm sure the other close family members will be grateful for the time they get to spend with him.

Jen4948 · January 2014

I don't think you're wrong at all. I think your brother and FSIL needed a come-to-Jesus that they are entitled to have everything in everyone else's lives revolve around them just because they are getting married.

And in view of your other brother's deployment, I think your idea for extra time with him after the shower is a great one. (Coming from a family of veterans, I'm always supportive of wanting to spend as much time with them as possible while they're available.)

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

heyheyern said:

I am a MOH in my brother and FSIL's August 2014 wedding and I am thrilled and honored that they asked me. I have recently run into a problem that I'm not sure how to deal with. I am either in charge of or helping to plan: 2 bridal showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, the rehearsal dinner, and a small luncheon the day after the wedding. Most of these events are happening in the town my brother lives in which is almost 6 hours from where I live. I have no problem with all of the "duties" I have taken on but I have encountered a "Zilla"-moment.

Our youngest brother is in the military and will be deploying a few weeks before the wedding. Since he can't make it to the wedding, he can take leave and be home for the co-ed bridal shower my mom, sisters, and I are planning in our hometown (which is 3.5 hours from my home and almost 9 from the engaged). I suggested that after the shower was over we should invite friends and family over to spend some time with our soldier before he is gone for 6-12 months. Just a small gathering, probably with beer and pizza, at my parents house. This would be completely separate from anything wedding related and a good way to keep the focus on the bride & groom at their shower. This idea went over great with everyone BUT the bride and groom. They are upset that little brother gets a spotlight and they have to share their time. I got snappy and reminded them that we have been elbow deep in wedding plans for almost a year and the entire summer from Memorial Weekend through August is full of THEIR wedding stuff that others are offering to do for them so they shouldn't have a problem with giving up a few hours of attention.

My questions are: Am I wrong by planning a get together for our brother after the bridal shower is over? Should I scrap the extra party and just focus on the bridal shower? And was I out of line for snapping at them? Be brutal, I can take it. TIA!

The Bride and Groom are being Primadonnas.

I think your family get together with your brother is a lovely idea and you shouldn't scrap it just because the Bride and Groom are being attention whores.

Plan the party for your brother, and if the Bride and Groom bitch tell them to build a bridge and get the fuck over themselves- family events exist outside of their damn wedding. They are free to go on their merry way after the bridal shower.

If they go into histrionics about how they won't drive out for the shower then, tell them "Great! You just saved me a ton of time, money, and aggravation!"

ETA: I missed that this was happening during Memorial Day Weekend, wow. Someone needs to give the Bride and Groom a lesson on what the fuck that weekend is actually all about. Hint for them-it has nothing to do with their wedding.

MOH caught in a dilemma (a little long)

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