Am I wrong about being upset?

AddieCake · January 2014

My stepmother wore a long, ivory, sparkly gown that she married my father in a few months prior (so technically her wedding dress) to my wedding and I gave nonefucks. Would I ever do it? No. However, you are making way too big of a deal about this.

This will not affect you or your wedding at all, and if you can't let this go and care this much about this nonsense, your priorities in life are out of whack. I wish this was the biggest thing I had to stress over in life. Be annoyed about it and move on. Stop making it into something you can't allow to happen.

kmmssg · January 2014

OP - You said, "FI was able to talk to her and she told him she is causing this to get a rise out of me because its not her day and she wants things her way. "

I get it. You also said she tries to garner all the attention at wedding appointments. She's a pain - I got that. As a matter of fact this is exactly how my DD feels about her stepmom and is choosing wisely what activities she is inviting her to. It sounds like your FMIL is passive/aggressive and likes to play the victim. Got it.

That does NOT make it ok for you to put the hammer down on what colors the moms can't wear. You have played right into her hands and she is (for now) the winner. She knows she has pissed you off and gotten to you. You have made that very clear to her. Actually, you played right into her hands.

Look at Jucheaidea's picture above. It is lovely and there is NO mistaking the bride. I am on my 4th rodeo as a MOB and I can promise you that the guests don't give two craps about what I wear. As long as she doesn't show up in a wedding dress you are good to go.

You have wrapped yourself emotionally around the idea of the moms not wearing any kind of white or cream, etc. You have chosen to do this to your self so you need to choose to unwind here. If you do, you will drop a ton of stress and you and FI will be much happier.

This only ruins your day if you CHOOSE to let it. If you do, you are being foolish. You could also think about it like this: if you decide to not care about this, you will win in the little game of "how can I piss off my FDIL."

For the love of God, let this silly thing go. You will be so much happier!

hyechica81 · January 2014

i know its your day but geeze unless you plan to fork out $$$ to pay for a new dress for her get her matching shoes and jewlery let her wear what she wants.

mrsconn23 · January 2014

Hmm...that's telling that your FSMIL wants to get under your skin. Why are you going to continue to allow her to do so? You have that knowledge now. USE IT, FFS. Don't engage her. Don't discuss the wedding. If she says she's going to do X, don't flinch and just say OK. Because seriously, at the end of the day, NO ONE is going to be paying as much attention to her as they are you and your FI.

If she can't get under your skin, she may stop her shenanigans.

Getting a handle on yourself regarding her now and tempering your reactions to her BS (if she is like this all the time), will serve you well in the future.

VarunaTT · January 2014

I'll sit with you in the "I don't believe the OP" camp.

thejucheidea · January 2014

Same.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Same.

mrsconn23 · January 2014

OP-I think all of this can be solved with a dance battle. If you win, you can pick her dress and if she wins, she wears the one she purchased.

GBCK · January 2014

or roshambo-off?

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/2389421/rock-paper-scissors-o.gif

KatWAG · January 2014

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

You don't get to tell any of your guests how to dress. It is rude and very controlling. FMIL clearly likes her off white dress and she is having money issue. Stop making an issue out of this. You dont want to hurt your relationship with your FMIL.
The thing is, she doesn't have a money issue...FI was able to talk to her and she told him she is causing this to get a rise out of me because its not her day and she wants things her way. We are paying for everything and she has been very demanding since day one. She doesn't seem to get that she doesn't pay she has no say. Only reason a reminder went out was because I was questioned by FMIL. I spoke with her and told her that I have been very accomodating to her demands and the one thing that I have asked for her to do is to not wear that dress. She tried to tell me its a money issue and when I told her to cut the crap and I know the truth she stopped in her tracks. She said she will find another dress. She said she was wrong and apologized.

@soontobemrsbuccheri this is all irrelevant. Just because you are paying for the wedding doesnt mean you get to decide what shle wears. She is not part of the wedding party, she's simply a guest. It is the same as telling your friend's girlfriend what to wear. It's rude.

Since you are hosting your own wedding, here is a list of things you get a say in.

Date/ time/ location

DJ/ Band

Flowers

Food

Beverages

Invitations

Things you dont get a say in:

Attire.

chkmeowt · January 2014

I was dress shopping with my mom this weekend and I told her - wear whatever you want. Long, short, any fabric and ANY COLOR. I don't care if its ivory or black or the same color as a bridesmaid. I just want you to feel awesome.

If she asks my opinion about colors, I'll tell her. Hell, I suggested she wear champagne because we look good in that color and my mom should look slamming at my wedding.

kannf1982 · January 2014

I understand your frustration when you decided this was something that mattered. I mean, they did ask. Most of us here don't care about Mothers' dress colors, but I am sure many of us probably have something kinda silly we ourselves have fixated on as "important". So yeah this was important to you and she disregarded it. Frustrating!!

I think the telling point is where you mentioned that you have known her to be a spotlight stealer as to other things, too. It's clear that there is some tension there. I bet you anything if she would have followed your directions to a tee, she probably would have had something else abrasive that she did. Sometimes, there are people that just grate on us and will do so no matter what.

I am working on trying to disregard family members who are presenting certain stressors for me in wedding planning...I am like you in that i have a hard time letting go of things and letting them roll off my back. If people want to push my buttons it appears it is extremely easy to let them. I believe your only choice is to expect nothing from the lady and to let her do whatever and to ignore it to the best of your ability. Looking back one day you will have wished you leanred to let the annoyances slide off your back and youll have wished you spent more time enjoying this time in your life. Trust me i am not skillfull at this either but i am working on it

Good luck!

soontobemrsbuccheri · January 2014

kannf1982 said:
I understand your frustration when you decided this was something that mattered. I mean, they did ask. Most of us here don't care about Mothers' dress colors, but I am sure many of us probably have something kinda silly we ourselves have fixated on as "important". So yeah this was important to you and she disregarded it. Frustrating!!

I think the telling point is where you mentioned that you have known her to be a spotlight stealer as to other things, too. It's clear that there is some tension there. I bet you anything if she would have followed your directions to a tee, she probably would have had something else abrasive that she did. Sometimes, there are people that just grate on us and will do so no matter what.

I am working on trying to disregard family members who are presenting certain stressors for me in wedding planning...I am like you in that i have a hard time letting go of things and letting them roll off my back. If people want to push my buttons it appears it is extremely easy to let them. I believe your only choice is to expect nothing from the lady and to let her do whatever and to ignore it to the best of your ability. Looking back one day you will have wished you leanred to let the annoyances slide off your back and youll have wished you spent more time enjoying this time in your life. Trust me i am not skillfull at this either but i am working on it

Good luck!

Thank you! This is one thing I'm fixated on. I have let it roll off my back for now as we are going dress shopping and she is going to "attempt" to find a dress. If things go well, all will be good. I spoke with her and told her that the dress may not work well for a March wedding as it is a light weight fabric and she will be cold. She said that she didnt think of that. So we shall see what happens. If it boils down to her wearing the dress, i will have to deal but i wont be happy.

please dont mind my horrible punctuations and grammar. Im on my phone. Yuck

VarunaTT · January 2014

Ah yes, the classic "18 women think I'm completely wrong, so let's pay attention to the ONE that thinks I'm right".

You just said yourself you were fixated on it.

Snickrsgirl · January 2014

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

You don't get to tell any of your guests how to dress. It is rude and very controlling. FMIL clearly likes her off white dress and she is having money issue. Stop making an issue out of this. You dont want to hurt your relationship with your FMIL.
The thing is, she doesn't have a money issue...FI was able to talk to her and she told him she is causing this to get a rise out of me because its not her day and she wants things her way. We are paying for everything and she has been very demanding since day one. She doesn't seem to get that she doesn't pay she has no say. Only reason a reminder went out was because I was questioned by FMIL. I spoke with her and told her that I have been very accomodating to her demands and the one thing that I have asked for her to do is to not wear that dress. She tried to tell me its a money issue and when I told her to cut the crap and I know the truth she stopped in her tracks. She said she will find another dress. She said she was wrong and apologized.

When I read your original post I kinda understood where you were coming from but I do agree with everyone else; You are making a big deal out of nothing. Also, reading on to the rest of your replies to what everyone else said, you do sound quite immature. Telling your FMIL to "cut the crap" is disrespectful, because theres no reason to say that to your FMIL over a dress! If she said she was wrong and apologized, why didn't you say that first? It's like you are trying to defend and justify your attitude after all the replies on here uniformly agreed that you were overreacting. BTW, if the "Only reason why she's been apart of wedding stuff is because FI has invited her." Then I feel sorry for your FMIL to have a FDIL like you who doesn't seem to give a lick of care to the family she is becoming a part of. When you marry a man, you marry is family too. All over a dress... shesh.

Pandemonia · January 2014

Well for starters, you don't get to control what your FMIL wears. Fact.

However, if you also know she's prone to scene-stealing tricks then I fear you've fed the habit by sending out dress code rules. She'll have taken those as an enjoyable challenge and you will have provided her with many happy hours of entertainment as she winds you up and you take the bait.

Step away from the whole drama. It's always worth picking your battles and this one was a non-starter.

soontobemrsbuccheri · January 2014

Pandemonia said:

Well for starters, you don't get to control what your FMIL wears. Fact.

However, if you also know she's prone to scene-stealing tricks then I fear you've fed the habit by sending out dress code rules. She'll have taken those as an enjoyable challenge and you will have provided her with many happy hours of entertainment as she winds you up and you take the bait.

Step away from the whole drama. It's always worth picking your battles and this one was a non-starter.

It wasn't really an issue until recently when asked what color she was wearing as FSMIL wanted to know (and I wanted to know). That's when shit hit the fan. I have the right to ask her to not wear that color...it's the one thing that I knew from the get-go that she would try to pull a fast one on and was going to be prepared, but after months of nothing being said, I thought the issue was a "non-issue."

I have let it roll of my back for now. We go dress shopping in a couple of weeks and hopefully will find something she will wear. She called me this morning and told me that she understands how I feel and apologized again for making me upset. She knows she is in the wrong so I have taken her apology. I just hope that her previous history doesn't come back up to bite me in the ass.

VarunaTT · January 2014

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

I have the right to ask her to not wear that color...

NO YOU DON'T. Get that? YOU DON'T. That's what everyone except like 2 people are trying to tell you.

You don't, you never did, you won't and now the 2 of you turned it into a thing that is just ridiculous. You're probably a perfect MIL and DIL match for each other, so keep on keeping on.

soontobemrsbuccheri · January 2014

VarunaTT said:

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

I have the right to ask her to not wear that color...

NO YOU DON'T. Get that? YOU DON'T. That's what everyone except like 2 people are trying to tell you.

You don't, you never did, you won't and now the 2 of you turned it into a thing that is just ridiculous. You're probably a perfect MIL and DIL match for each other, so keep on keeping on.

Actually sweetheart, I do have the right. I have been told by NUMEROUS people, who have been married LONG before theknot.com ever became a "thing", that I do have a right to ask that a certain color not be worn by immediate family IE FMIL/FSMIL/Mother of the bride. It is known that you shouldn't wear WHITE or any version there of, to a wedding. Period.

Thank you ALL for your negativity and hostility towards this issue. I have taken everything that has been said to me with a grain of salt and plan to use what information I can to better the issue. As of right now, it's been handled and will continue to be handled. My FMIL has been nothing but a thorn in my side since day one and I don't see it ever changing. She has been like this far longer than I've been with my FI. My FSIL has said she had the same argument with her mother but gave in because she didn't feel like dealing with it. So, I'm not the ONLY one getting this treatment.

Thank you again.

VarunaTT · January 2014

Those people were wrong.

soontobemrsbuccheri · January 2014

VarunaTT said:

Those people were wrong.

Those people aren't wrong. Where do you get off telling me that they're wrong? Where does it state that a bride can't say please don't wear x color to a DIRECT FAMILY MEMBER that will be apart of the wedding day? I understand not being able to dictate what other guests wear, (except for "FORMAL" weddings where black tie is optional) but they know that wearing a JUST WHITE (or any color variation of WHITE) dress to a wedding is wrong. FMIL knew this from the beginning of our wedding planning and she has chosen to ignore the request. This is what brought on this whole issue...but it has since been handled.

GBCK · January 2014

Look, OP, you came here and asked a question.

20 or so people said (correctly) you're wrong.

2 or so people said (incorrectly) you're right.

And now the nameless PM army (or, in this case, IRL army) apparently says (incorrectly) you're right.

Great, listen to the people IRL.

You clearly are to closed-minded to be asking opinions, because you've made up your mind to be bitchy to your MIL (because *that* is the way to start off the marriage) and let her win this battle of egos by playing her little game. Good luck with that--come back and update us on how that works out for you.

VarunaTT · January 2014

I'm telling you "they're" wrong. "They" are always wrong. "They" are always some monolithic force who don't know crap.

You don't have the RIGHT to tell anyone what to wear, no matter who they are or what activity they're engaged in, period. It is tradition, not a law, that people don't wear white to a wedding; it' used to be a tradition that people didn't wear black either, but that's no longer true.

What brought on the issue was you not saying, "Wear whatever you like MIL".

Am I wrong about being upset?

Re: Am I wrong about being upset?

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