May I say something?

happywiggle · January 2014

So, I've been lurking for a while on this board, and I've learned so much from you all! I posted this once before, but I just want to say it again. Thank you for your posts, your advice! I would have made a ton of etiquette mistakes if it wasn't for all my lurking and all the posts that have found, and I hope to learn much more from everyone.

misshart00 · January 2014

Yay! I'm curious, what was the biggest thing you learned?

AddieCake · January 2014

I would like to take you out for cake.

happywiggle · January 2014

To sum it up, because it's a lot, would be how to properly treat our guests and family-- to invite SOs, even if we don't know them, because the guest/family member would be appreciate it and be thankful to have their relationship respected; It's not mine and B's day, but a celebration of our marriage and the reception is a way to thank everyone for coming. How can we expect them to come celebrate and respect our relationship if we don't respect theirs? To remember to send thank you notes because it means a lot to know that the receiver acknowledged your attendance and/or gift (to be honest, I'll send them to everyone who attends, gift or no gift, or who sends a gift and does not attend--I realize that comment may come off as gift grabby, but I didn't know how else to word it). To not manipulate or try to control anyone; things will go wrong, and that's okay. The point of everything is that at the end of the day, I'm marrying my best friend, and everyone is supporting that, so I need to do my best to support them and thank them. (I'm really hoping this makes sense. It's been a long day)

WinstonsGirl · January 2014

Careful, @AddieL73 offers to take everyone out for cake.

AddieCake · January 2014

Hahaha!

MobKaz · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

I would like to take you out for cake.

During a non-meal time, of course!

jenna8984 · January 2014

Same here!!!

I have a few friends planning weddings right now (in addition to myself) so we meet for lunches and talk about details and whenever I mention etiquette things I've learned here they look at me like I'm crazy and say "oh nobody cares about that in real life". (the most common being gaps, honeyfunds, forcing WP to pay for things like shoes and hair) UUM yes they do care!!

wrigleyville · January 2014

People think the guests don't care because nobody's going to say anything to the couples' face, but oh... they care. I've heard enough smacktalk before and after a wedding to know better. I've seen weddings destroy friendships. It's pretty sad how selfish and entitled some people become as soon as that engagement ring is on their finger.

happywiggle · January 2014

Part of the reason I originally came to this forum is I'm completely oblivious to a lot. I'm not saying it's an excuse or a reason, it just is. I am aware of this, so I came here to become knowledgeable and to not make the mistakes I would have. I want everyone to be happy; at the end of the day, I'm marrying B, and I want everyone who's there to be happy. Being oblivious to things doesn't mean I'm entitled to things, that I can be selfish, or that I'm allowed to be rude-- it just means that I have to work to become educated on what is proper and right for my guests.

And for another time, Thank you. I really can't say that enough to all of you!

(Does that make sense at all? It might not, and I'm willing to clarify what I mean. Words are not my strong suit...)

grumbledore · January 2014

I didn't know anything when I first got into TK - I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding and there were some things that were annoying me but I wasn't sure why. I came to TK and started reading around and realized how common some of the missteps she was making were and have learned so much since. I am confident after my time here that I'll be able to have a thoughtful, polite, enjoyable wedding.

happywiggle · January 2014

grumbledore said:

I didn't know anything when I first got into TK - I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding and there were some things that were annoying me but I wasn't sure why. I came to TK and started reading around and realized how common some of the missteps she was making were and have learned so much since. I am confident after my time here that I'll be able to have a thoughtful, polite, enjoyable wedding.

I'm hoping by the time I send STDs and invites that I will be close to this!

MaryGraceRich · January 2014

I wish I was the first of my friends to get married instead of the last. I say this purely because I could have steered them away from the awful things they had done to me and their guests.
If anyone else I know gets engaged I am buying them a wonderful card with "Congratulations" and a copy of an etiquette book to help them.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

OP, I came here for the same reason. To be honest, I never imagined myself getting married. Not that I didn't see myself being committed to anyone ever, I just never thought I'd do the whole sparkly ring and white dress thing (There's a lot more to a wedding but past me just kinda saw that part, thanks TLC) I imagined I'd be one of those people who is with the same person for like 30 years but isn't legally married. And that's probably because a lot of the marriages around me, and the ones on TV, left an awful taste in my mouth.

I knew I'd be with FI for the rest of my life before he proposed. I just didn't realize a wedding was going to happen, but when he did propose, I got a lot more excited than I thought I would. He knew I wasn't into weddings, and he was also not very into weddings (Same thought process I had about them) but he made a really awesome point, all it has to be is a celebration of our love. It doesn't have to be like TLC. So I kinda got over the whole "Ew marriage" thing when I stopped looking at it as "Be a princess day" and instead looked at it as "hey we're committed to each other and want to celebrate that."

So given my earlier distaste with marriage, I had absolutely no fucking clue whatsoever about weddings. No Pinterest wedding board (Although I did make one later), no "My dream wedding is gonna look like this!" nothing. Since then Pinterest has been my source of visual inspiration for what I want the flowers/colors/decor etc. to look like, but as far as actually planning anything and knowing about the do's and don'ts of etiquette, everything I know I learned here. So I would also like to thank you ladies!

WildMagelet · January 2014

I love TK, especially E.

The "standards" of wedding etiquette followed by our circles of friends & family vary so much if I hadn't found it I probably would have ended up with some of the more stereotypical bad-etiquette "traditions." Now, I won't offend the more etiquette-minded guests and will probably "impress" some of the less etiquette-minded guests so I'll consider it a win-win.

Heck, my first post here was about goldfish centerpieces. If I was going to do *that* a dozen animals in the name of "theme" or "decor" I'd hate to think what I would have put my friends & family through.

Sabinus15 · January 2014

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

The problem is not with new posters. The problem is with getting the same question 5 times in a week when a simple glance through the other threads would have answered the question.

I am happy to help people figure out tough situations. But it gets a little tiring to say the same thing over and over.

arrippa · January 2014

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

SKPM · January 2014

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

Most of society, if we're to base judgments on popular TV and movies, Facebook and Pinterest trends, and behavior of many entitled brides these days, is not much to speak of. The community on The Knot is absolutely out of touch with the classless, rude wedding trends that appear to be on the rise. This community emphasizes correct etiquette and treating your wedding guests properly -- which do not seem to be of much importance to "most of society" unfortunately.

Edited to add: although "most of society" seems to condone poor etiquette in the name of "your special day," make no mistake that many wedding guests absolutely judge brides and grooms who treat their guests poorly.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

moemacWed30594 said:

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

Yeah no matter where I post I always lurk for a bit first, especially if I'm looking for the answer to a specific question, because more often than not it has already been answered so it's not worth posting the same question again.

Also, I'm getting really tired of people bitching about how mean TK is. You wanna see mean, go comment on anything political anywhere on the internet, or look at the comments on funny images. We may call you rude for an etiquette breach, but most other places you'll get called a cunt for thinking a friggin picture either is or isn't funny. I've disagreed with plenty of people on plenty of sites, and even when I first joined and was getting in little tiffs with some of the users on TK the arguments were WAY less mean than anywhere I'd been. Yeah I got called rude but it beats being called a bitch for laughing at a joke!

futuremrsog15 · January 2014

I also appreciate what I am learning from this site. One thing especially is how to host properly. Ever since getting engaged, so many people in my circle have told me and my fiance it is YOUR day do what YOU want... Ummm what if we want kids at the wedding? Or the uncles from TX? Or to host a bar? Don't need to judge us. Yes it's our day and we will be paying for it. My best friend told me no need to give into guests' wishes they aren't paying for anything. Ugh that one irked me.... okay I am ranting now.

Inkdancer · January 2014

futuremrsog15 said:

I also appreciate what I am learning from this site. One thing especially is how to host properly. Ever since getting engaged, so many people in my circle have told me and my fiance it is YOUR day do what YOU want... Ummm what if we want kids at the wedding? Or the uncles from TX? Or to host a bar? Don't need to judge us. Yes it's our day and we will be paying for it. My best friend told me no need to give into guests' wishes they aren't paying for anything. Ugh that one irked me.... okay I am ranting now.

Well your best friend is right about one thing: if your guests want something that you don't, you don't have to do it. For example, if your future mother-in-law insists that you ride to the ceremony on an elephant, you can turn her down.

This is of course all within the bounds of proper etiquette and being a gracious host, but it isn't up to anyone to tell you what must or must not happen.

futuremrsog15 · January 2014

Inkdancer said:

futuremrsog15 said:

I also appreciate what I am learning from this site. One thing especially is how to host properly. Ever since getting engaged, so many people in my circle have told me and my fiance it is YOUR day do what YOU want... Ummm what if we want kids at the wedding? Or the uncles from TX? Or to host a bar? Don't need to judge us. Yes it's our day and we will be paying for it. My best friend told me no need to give into guests' wishes they aren't paying for anything. Ugh that one irked me.... okay I am ranting now.

Well your best friend is right about one thing: if your guests want something that you don't, you don't have to do it. For example, if your future mother-in-law insists that you ride to the ceremony on an elephant, you can turn her down.

This is of course all within the bounds of proper etiquette and being a gracious host, but it isn't up to anyone to tell you what must or must not happen.

Haha ,Yes of course. Her mindset was simple things like don't pay for good food, you wont remember it and your guests arent paying for it. Things like this....

Inkdancer · January 2014

futuremrsog15 said:

Inkdancer said:

futuremrsog15 said:

I also appreciate what I am learning from this site. One thing especially is how to host properly. Ever since getting engaged, so many people in my circle have told me and my fiance it is YOUR day do what YOU want... Ummm what if we want kids at the wedding? Or the uncles from TX? Or to host a bar? Don't need to judge us. Yes it's our day and we will be paying for it. My best friend told me no need to give into guests' wishes they aren't paying for anything. Ugh that one irked me.... okay I am ranting now.

Well your best friend is right about one thing: if your guests want something that you don't, you don't have to do it. For example, if your future mother-in-law insists that you ride to the ceremony on an elephant, you can turn her down.

This is of course all within the bounds of proper etiquette and being a gracious host, but it isn't up to anyone to tell you what must or must not happen.

Haha ,Yes of course. Her mindset was simple things like don't pay for good food, you wont remember it and your guests arent paying for it. Things like this....

That baffles me... she's going to be there as a guest, why wouldn't she want to be eating good food?

Ah well, you just keep on being awesome.

Sabinus15 · January 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

moemacWed30594 said:

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

Yeah no matter where I post I always lurk for a bit first, especially if I'm looking for the answer to a specific question, because more often than not it has already been answered so it's not worth posting the same question again.
Also, I'm getting really tired of people bitching about how mean TK is. You wanna see mean, go comment on anything political anywhere on the internet, or look at the comments on funny images. We may call you rude for an etiquette breach, but most other places you'll get called a cunt for thinking a friggin picture either is or isn't funny. I've disagreed with plenty of people on plenty of sites, and even when I first joined and was getting in little tiffs with some of the users on TK the arguments were WAY less mean than anywhere I'd been. Yeah I got called rude but it beats being called a bitch for laughing at a joke!

Let me correct myself. When I say lurking on the knot, I mean checking for which opinions are taboo, NOT looking for an answer to a question, which would be reasonable. The mods have to EXPLICITLY advise newcomers to lurk because they will probably say "the wrong thing" and piss off the wedding police, and then everyone's all "FU&FU2." That's a bad environment for collaboration. It just doesn't help anyone.

THAT is why I find the knot sad. Because while it sucks that the regulars have to answer the same stuff every day, they aren't mature enough to answer a question anymore without being dismissive and demeaning*. No other wedding board site does this as far as I know, and it's definitely the only big site that does this. Saying that this site isn't as bad as other areas of the internet is like saying that a prison in america is better than a prison in sudan. Wow, good job. Pats on the back.

*However, it seems like the knot has made a lot of progress in the past 12 months to improve attitudes, so good job, for real.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

Sabinus15 said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

moemacWed30594 said:

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

Yeah no matter where I post I always lurk for a bit first, especially if I'm looking for the answer to a specific question, because more often than not it has already been answered so it's not worth posting the same question again.
Also, I'm getting really tired of people bitching about how mean TK is. You wanna see mean, go comment on anything political anywhere on the internet, or look at the comments on funny images. We may call you rude for an etiquette breach, but most other places you'll get called a cunt for thinking a friggin picture either is or isn't funny. I've disagreed with plenty of people on plenty of sites, and even when I first joined and was getting in little tiffs with some of the users on TK the arguments were WAY less mean than anywhere I'd been. Yeah I got called rude but it beats being called a bitch for laughing at a joke!

Let me correct myself. When I say lurking on the knot, I mean checking for which opinions are taboo, NOT looking for an answer to a question, which would be reasonable. The mods have to EXPLICITLY advise newcomers to lurk because they will probably say "the wrong thing" and piss off the wedding police, and then everyone's all "FU&FU2." That's a bad environment for collaboration. It just doesn't help anyone.

THAT is why I find the knot sad. Because while it sucks that the regulars have to answer the same stuff every day, they aren't mature enough to answer a question anymore without being dismissive and demeaning*. No other wedding board site does this as far as I know, and it's definitely the only big site that does this. Saying that this site isn't as bad as other areas of the internet is like saying that a prison in america is better than a prison in sudan. Wow, good job. Pats on the back.

*However, it seems like the knot has made a lot of progress in the past 12 months to improve attitudes, so good job, for real.

A lot of users come from sites like wedding wire or wedding bee, and they have the same exact issue you have with TK- tell the users on ww or wb you don't like cash bars or potlucks and you'll be flipped out at, called a bitch, cunt, various expletives and personal attacks that do not happen here- as once a user starts launching personal attacks (And I mean PERSONAL- not "Your wedding is tacky" or "Your idea is bad," I mean "YOU are a bitch, cunt etc." "YOU are horrible and need to get a life etc.") they are quickly banned.

So while the "Triggers" for disagreements may be flipped, it's the same anywhere. Disagree with people and they'll give you their opinion on why you're wrong. At least here the disagreements are much more civil. Again, go share political views anywhere if you really wanna see bad attitudes.

dolewhipper · January 2014

Sabinus15 said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

moemacWed30594 said:

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

Yeah no matter where I post I always lurk for a bit first, especially if I'm looking for the answer to a specific question, because more often than not it has already been answered so it's not worth posting the same question again.
Also, I'm getting really tired of people bitching about how mean TK is. You wanna see mean, go comment on anything political anywhere on the internet, or look at the comments on funny images. We may call you rude for an etiquette breach, but most other places you'll get called a cunt for thinking a friggin picture either is or isn't funny. I've disagreed with plenty of people on plenty of sites, and even when I first joined and was getting in little tiffs with some of the users on TK the arguments were WAY less mean than anywhere I'd been. Yeah I got called rude but it beats being called a bitch for laughing at a joke!

Let me correct myself. When I say lurking on the knot, I mean checking for which opinions are taboo, NOT looking for an answer to a question, which would be reasonable. The mods have to EXPLICITLY advise newcomers to lurk because they will probably say "the wrong thing" and piss off the wedding police, and then everyone's all "FU&FU2." That's a bad environment for collaboration. It just doesn't help anyone.

THAT is why I find the knot sad. Because while it sucks that the regulars have to answer the same stuff every day, they aren't mature enough to answer a question anymore without being dismissive and demeaning*. No other wedding board site does this as far as I know, and it's definitely the only big site that does this. Saying that this site isn't as bad as other areas of the internet is like saying that a prison in america is better than a prison in sudan. Wow, good job. Pats on the back.

*However, it seems like the knot has made a lot of progress in the past 12 months to improve attitudes, so good job, for real.

MobKaz · January 2014

Sabinus15 said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

moemacWed30594 said:

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

Yeah no matter where I post I always lurk for a bit first, especially if I'm looking for the answer to a specific question, because more often than not it has already been answered so it's not worth posting the same question again.
Also, I'm getting really tired of people bitching about how mean TK is. You wanna see mean, go comment on anything political anywhere on the internet, or look at the comments on funny images. We may call you rude for an etiquette breach, but most other places you'll get called a cunt for thinking a friggin picture either is or isn't funny. I've disagreed with plenty of people on plenty of sites, and even when I first joined and was getting in little tiffs with some of the users on TK the arguments were WAY less mean than anywhere I'd been. Yeah I got called rude but it beats being called a bitch for laughing at a joke!

Let me correct myself. When I say lurking on the knot, I mean checking for which opinions are taboo, NOT looking for an answer to a question, which would be reasonable. The mods have to EXPLICITLY advise newcomers to lurk because they will probably say "the wrong thing" and piss off the wedding police, and then everyone's all "FU&FU2." That's a bad environment for collaboration. It just doesn't help anyone.

THAT is why I find the knot sad. Because while it sucks that the regulars have to answer the same stuff every day, they aren't mature enough to answer a question anymore without being dismissive and demeaning*. No other wedding board site does this as far as I know, and it's definitely the only big site that does this. Saying that this site isn't as bad as other areas of the internet is like saying that a prison in america is better than a prison in sudan. Wow, good job. Pats on the back.

*However, it seems like the knot has made a lot of progress in the past 12 months to improve attitudes, so good job, for real.

The "regulars" also have to handle a lot of passive aggressive, sweeping blanket generalizations such as the ones you have just made,

There will always be differences of opinions. If you don't like what you read, you can simply ignore them. Because much of The Knot focuses on etiquette, which is NOT opinion, it is a good idea to lurk regarding how to host properly. Many new posters will say they truly have NO clue as to what constitutes proper etiquette. If they lurk, they will readily be able to distinguish between ideas, tradition, opinion, and etiquette. This will save them a lot of time. The majority of responses offer the information requested. No two posters will respond in the same manner, but the underlying answer will remain the same. To say that the regulars are immature, dismissive, and demeaning could not be farther from the truth.

But.....you have truth issues to begin with, no? (**Disclaimer......that indeed WAS immature, dismissive, and demeaning. But it in no way should be attributed to any other poster but myself. See the difference?) Clearly, I missed the seminar The Knot offered on "Attitude Adjustments 101".

happywiggle · January 2014

moemacWed30594 said:

Sabinus15 said:

The fact that people have to lurk on The Knot before you post in order to prevent getting shredded to a pulp is sad. It just illustrates just how out of touch the community on The Knot is with most of society.

How many message boards do you frequent? I post on quite a few and I have always lurked before posting. Every board is different so lurking will inform you how that particular board/culture works. It will also stop you from asking the same question that four other people asked that day.

OP-When I saw your title, I was steeling myself for another thread saying what meanies we are. So, I was pleasantly surprised by your thread. This place has helped me plan my wedding as well. Even though I have been to tons of weddings, planning one is different. I am so grateful for everyone here.

Planning is definitely different. There's so much I didn't know, but by lurking, I learned so much more. One thing I hate is being the person who keeps asking the same question that's been asked many times before. There are times I slip and don't see a post previously, so I'll post my question (not here- yet, but on other forums). If I'm redirected to another thread, so be it, but I hate being "that person". I equate it to being that annoying kid in math class who holds up the class with a question that's been asked many times before and just annoys the rest of the class.

Plus, by lurking, I feel as I've gotten to scrape the surface a tiny bit to get a feel for the board as a community. How can I know if I'll have a chance of fitting in with a community if I don't scope it out? Sort of finding a place to live... how do you know you'll fit in if you don't scope out the community. That was probably a bad analogy, but it's all I have...

AddieCake · January 2014

Nobody is held hostage here, Sabinus. If you are unhappy here, don't log back on. Stay on the other boards that you prefer. Easy peasy.

Jen4948 · January 2014

As website forums go, especially wedding website forums, I think TheKnot is actually pretty easy on people who ask about things that violate etiquette.

Not every newbie comes from the same place. Yes, we have some arguments that get extended, deeply sarcastic, and hostile. But all the regulars do take seriously whatever gets posted. Remember, we have no other way to judge you than by what you post.

If you leave crucial information out of your posts, then yes, it is going to skew the responses you get. And yes, if you are advocating something that doesn't seem polite or practical, we will say so. We have no stake in your wedding, so we have no incentive not to speak up. To say that "you don't know me, I/she didn't ask for your opinion, I'm/she's special, etc."-well, it doesn't score points with us, because by posting, you did indeed ask for opinions, and the circumstances described are 99% of the time not unique. Going through the archives and lurking would establish that for you. And yes, if you get defensive, especially after we repeatedly tell you something won't fly, we have even less incentive to want to be friendly to you.

But whatever we say, it's always meant to be "supportive" in the sense that we will try and guide you to options that fall within correct etiquette and are also practical.

May I say something?

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