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Inviting a "sensitive" guest...a little long

kelly&waynekelly&wayne
100 Comments
in Wedding Woes
So, my parents are divorced, have been for about 15 years.  They divorced very amicably and although they're not each other's biggest fans they get along OK.  Dad is remarried, Mom is not.  There's just one thing...my Mom has been very covertly seeing a colleague of hers and friend of my father's for a very long time now.  I THINK they were seeing each other while my parents were still married, but I'm not sure.  The reason for the covertness (is that even a word???) is because the guy she's seeing is married.  I know all the things you're probably saying about my mother right now.  I said the same things for a very long time, but it's been so long now that we hardly think about it any longer.  We know his wife knows, not that knowing makes it OK, but it's just sort of the way things are.... 

Anyhow, I was always under the assumption that since the divorce my Dad has known as well, but apparently not.  He asked me way back at the beginning of the guest list process if they were invited.  I sort of giggled, but there was no recognition from my Dad which is when it occurred to me that he may not know.  Since then I have very much avoided the topic with him since there's absolutely no reason for him to know now when it will only cause grief and have no positive repercussions at all.  However, I got an email from him this morning asking why Mr. & Mrs. "A" had not received their save the date and asking if they had been taken off the list.  So, what to do??  I can't stand the sight of the man, he's such a slimebucket (I know, my Mom's just as much to blame, but she's still my Mom after all these years).  I really don't want him at my wedding.  The thought of walking down the aisle and seeing him makes me want to scream, but do I put my feelings aside and invite him and his wife because they are my Dad's friends and he wants them there?  The man knows very well how my brother and I both feel about him.  Will he know that the invite came only due to my father and have enough courtesy to reply with "unable to attend"?

Sorry, I'm not sure what I'm asking here.  Just needed to vent and maybe get some input on a tricky situation...
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Re: Inviting a "sensitive" guest...a little long

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    wz: her mom is having an affair with mr. a, a family friend.  does bride invite mr.a and his wife?  dad does not know about the affair.
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  • LauriacLauriac
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Just don't invite them and tell your dad they weren't invited. If he asks why tell him, "Oh, Mr. A knows why. Ask him"
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  • kelly&waynekelly&wayne
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Sorry, my fault for not being clear.  Mr. & Mrs. A represent my Mom's boyfriend and his wife. 

    I definitely don't want to get involved in their relationship.  I'm just trying to figure out if I have to bite the bullet and invite this guy and his wife or if there's a way out of it...

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  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think I'd invite them.  I agree with WZ - take the "no one knows" approach and act accordingly.  And yes, hopefully he won't show.  Or if he does, hopefully he'll give you a great gift.

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  • elizabethm4elizabethm4 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would just invite him, if you act suspicious about it then it's all going to end up coming out and causing drama it sounds like. I would send them an invite and then tell your mom that you are only doing it because he's your dad's friend. He should have enough sense not to come, and your mom should have enough sense to encourage him not to come if he runs it past her.
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  • nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Send him the invite, but pre-check the "regrets" on the RSVP.
    imageimage
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  • kelly&waynekelly&wayne
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_inviting-sensitive-guesta-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0dee5dde-6651-4615-bca3-46994682b61dPost:21133588-aebb-4fe6-9591-2681cb7ba36e">Re: Inviting a "sensitive" guest...a little long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Send him the invite, but pre-check the "regrets" on the RSVP.
    Posted by nicoleg1982[/QUOTE]


    I love it!  Great idea!!! 
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  • kelly&waynekelly&wayne
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_inviting-sensitive-guesta-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0dee5dde-6651-4615-bca3-46994682b61dPost:13c2cf0d-e9cc-45f4-aeaa-96e6a59d3773">Re: Inviting a "sensitive" guest...a little long</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you! so if they are in a "covert" relationship, then according to everyone around you, no one knows. how do you know,  kelly of kelly and wayne?

    My brother caught them at my Mom's house years ago.  Talk about awkward!  He and I never told anyone, but it's one of those worst kept secrets ever.  My uncle has caught him at our cottage as well.

    i'd invite mr and mrs A if no one knows. let the adults fight it out. i don't know if you want to confront mom about it beforehand, which is what i'd do.

    I've confronted her about it before.  She has denied it or said she won't discuss it time and time and it always has led to a big argument.  I have finally stopped confronting or discussing it with her since it gets us nowhere. 

    but if you want to go on pretending you're still clueless about it, i think it's right to send them an invitation. who cares if dad knows about the affair. he's remarried anyway. i'd stay out of their private affairs.
    Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]
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  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Don't invite him, you don't want to and its upsetting you to think about inviting him.  Its really that simple.
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  • budvar1012budvar1012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow. Awkward.
     I dunno, I'd talk to mom about it and explain how...unseemly it is for you to have her married lover at your wedding. It's pretty creepy. I agree with elizabeth, I would hope the guy would have the sense to decline coming to the wedding. 
    "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA. Lois, this is not my Batman glass."
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