Family Feud, and the baby isn't even here yet

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

look it seems like you came here wanting everyone to say, "OMG they are so mean!!!! I'm so sad for you!" and that didn't happen. People pointed out that you too made people feel put out at your wedding by not including their SO's and you got defensive. This isn't as complicated as you're making it.

PineapplePam · February 2014

Again, point made. Did you even read the OP, or do you just feel like attacking?

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:

Again, point made. Did you even read the OP, or do you just feel like attacking?

There is no attacking happening here. And yes, I read it, which is why I quotes you in another response. People are simply pointing out that while yes, this situation does suck, it is well within their rights and unfortunately you cannot change that. You could just explain to the B&G that while your husband would love to be there, you may have to wait until closer to the wedding date to decide considering the new baby.

LondonLisa · February 2014

I think everyone gave you very constructive advice. They are not required to invite your baby to the wedding. I realise this may mean you have to miss out, but that is part of being an adult with a baby!

There are two solutions here:

1.) get a sitter and go to the wedding

2.) don't go to the wedding and let your husband go for the weekend.

I do not understand why this is such a big issue. Just say "Hubby, go and have fun, we will be just fine here" and let it be over and done with!

Maggie0829 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:

I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.

I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!

People have spoken to your issue.

And you may not have thought that you were judging people's relationships but that is most likely how it came across from your friends who may have been in relationships at the time of your wedding and their SOs were left off the invite. And it doesn't matter how long someone is in a relationship for those individuals to deem it serious. You and no one else for that matter can determine the seriousness of their relationship just based off the time span.

banana468 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:
I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.

I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!

I read your OP. I get that it's frustrating that they led you on and then made an exception for the child of another couple. I get it.

What I'm not understanding is why are you seeing this as an issue of husband goes solo or drops out?

Why is the concept of leaving your baby with a sitter near the wedding not something you two are willing to do?

JCbride2015 · February 2014

Nobody's attacking you. This is the etiquette board, people will point out bad etiquette where we see it. All SO's must be invited, whether with a ring or not. That's just etiquette.

But I do notice something in your OP that hasn't been given enough attention. The couple told you they were looking forward to meeting the baby. In my book, that makes it very rude for them to then exclude the baby from the wedding. That's pretty close to a verbal invitation. They are free to have a no-kids wedding, and give exceptions or not to whomever they want. But I totally get you are rubbed the wrong way for them to say they wanted to meet the baby, then not invite the baby.

You said H talked to the groom about it-- did they come to an agreement? The only thing H can say is, "I really don't want to leave the baby to travel. That's just the way it is-- it's fine if you don't want kids at the wedding, but I won't be able to come."

PineapplePam · February 2014

I respectfully disagree. When you have a very small wedding, you make the best decisions you can. I have been left off of invites for the very same reason, when my husband and I hadn't been dating for very long. It's reality given the cost of weddings today, and I have never taken it personally.

I'd say more, but it's just not the issue I came on for.

The attacking and quickness to judge on here amaze me, and I'm sorry I came on at all. With that, I'm off.

chibiyui · February 2014

PineapplePam said:

I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.

I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!

You have been given multiple options.

You can stay home while your H attends

You can both attend and find a sitter out there

You can both stay home

You can not act like the couple is purposefully being mean to you and that you deserve an exception because you invited the bride to your wedding.

Maggie0829 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:

I respectfully disagree. When you have a very small wedding, you make the best decisions you can. I have been left off of invites for the very same reason, when my husband and I hadn't been dating for very long. It's reality given the cost of weddings today, and I have never taken it personally.

I'd say more, but it's just not the issue I came on for.

The attacking and quickness to judge on here amaze me, and I'm sorry I came on at all. With that, I'm off.

So you aren't going to respond to the posters asking you about possibly getting a sitter near the wedding location?

And I don't care if you didn't mind being left off the invite or not. And blaming not inviting them on a small wedding and costs are excuses.

lyndausvi · February 2014

Maggie0829 said:

PineapplePam said:

And I think I've said repeatedly that I don't support him dropping out, he's the one considering on a purely personal level. As stated in my original post, I feel badly that my husband is in this position, but he feels stuck regardless of what I say.

I don't understand why he feels stuck. You say you don't support him dropping out so you tell him "Honey, go to your cousins wedding. Little Timmy and I will be just fine for a few days."

@maggie0829 is always so wise.

mbross3 · February 2014

You obviously don't like the advice that you're getting here, but that doesn't mean you haven't gotten it.

Everyone is basically suggesting two options: go and get a sitter or stay home and miss the wedding. I think there does exist a third option, that your husband not go either, and you both stay home, but the main reason I suggest this is because it is totally legitimate for your husband to not feel comfortable or does not want to leave the baby either. What I mean is it is legitimate for your husband to not want to leave you and the baby across the country while he goes to a wedding, but that you should NOT suggest this to him, let him decide his own feelings.

If you don't like these options, then you are out of luck, but don't act like you aren't receiving advice just because you don't like the advice. That's childish.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

And Banana and I both just made comments sympathetic to you-- they led you on. You still have the same options PPs have suggested, but we understand why you are upset about it. That's just life though, you have to figure out where to go from here.

antoto · February 2014

PineapplePam said:

Whew, hostile!

I'm sorry that soooo many people got off topic here. I agree with many of their points, but holy cow you already got married, it's over. Also, after 15 different people have scolded you, I'm not sure why the 16th person feels the need to do so as well. This board is meant to help people, not harass the bejeezus out of them.

To your ACTUAL POINT - I think it's perfectly fine to reach out the the couple - especially since the guys are so close. Just let them know your situation and see what happens. If it were me I would stay out of it entirely and let the guys hash it out. If you can't go that is a big bummer, but it's just how weddings are, I guess.

banana468 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:
I respectfully disagree. When you have a very small wedding, you make the best decisions you can. I have been left off of invites for the very same reason, when my husband and I hadn't been dating for very long. It's reality given the cost of weddings today, and I have never taken it personally.

I'd say more, but it's just not the issue I came on for.

The attacking and quickness to judge on here amaze me, and I'm sorry I came on at all. With that, I'm off.

You're off because you're not acknowledging that you HAVE been rude and that you have other options here.

Stop with the attitude. The only one here with one AND you're not responding to the legitimate suggestions.

banana468 · February 2014

antoto said:

PineapplePam said:

Whew, hostile!

I'm sorry that soooo many people got off topic here. I agree with many of their points, but holy cow you already got married, it's over. Also, after 15 different people have scolded you, I'm not sure why the 16th person feels the need to do so as well. This board is meant to help people, not harass the bejeezus out of them.

To your ACTUAL POINT - I think it's perfectly fine to reach out the the couple - especially since the guys are so close. Just let them know your situation and see what happens. If it were me I would stay out of it entirely and let the guys hash it out. If you can't go that is a big bummer, but it's just how weddings are, I guess.

The OP opened herself up to criticism of her previous actions when she phrased her response like she did this come a huge favor during her wedding planning when in reality, the plans were totally rude and she doesn't get the brownie points she thinks she deserved.

zitiqueen · February 2014

Tell us more about your wedding, @PineapplePam. Did you have a cash bar and a potluck reception?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2014

PineapplePam said:

LOL you're really stuck on this one. Get left off an invite once and still sore over it? Get over it, that's not even the issue of the OP.

Ok, then take your own advice and get over the fact that your child isn't invited to this wedding.

If your husband wants to back out of the wedding because he doesn't want to leave you and the baby home alone, then that is his prerogative. But he should do so gracefully and not try to guilt his relatives into inviting your child to their event.

Or he can attend the wedding without you two.

Or all of you can fly out together, he can attend the ceremony, and then the three of you can do your own thing in the city.

abbyj700 · February 2014

We're not having children at our wedding. We are making no exceptions - so I get why this couple is doing this. Our two best friends are in our wedding - they have a child under 1 - she will not be an exception. It's nothing personal towards them. It's our wedding, our big day and our decision.

You need to respect this couple, encourage your husband to go enjoy himself and not give it another thought. Let him know that you're happy to be at home with your new baby and have some baby and mommy time. Make lemons into lemonade so to speak.

d2va · February 2014

I feel for you as far as the child thing is concerned. I know my friends have babies and I have invited them because I wouldnt want them to make a choice between their child and our wedding.

IF I had any out of town friends or family, but especially family I would make an exception if I was having an adults only wedding.

If I were in your situation, I would be just as miffed, and I wouldnt attend, and I may or may not make a comment to hubby about staying.

delujm0 · February 2014

Personally, I would just stay home with the baby and tell your husband you'll be fine for the weekend without him and let him make his own decision about his attendance. Especially if you have to fly to this wedding...I'd much rather stay home with my baby than drag my baby on an airplane and then to a formal event. Sounds too stressful.

If your husband truly doens't feel comfortable leaving you and the baby alone for the weekend, he can bring that up to his cousin. But he can't really request that the baby be invited - if they have a no kids policy, that is their right and their decision. When you have a policy like that you have to be comfortable with some people being unable to attend because of it. Our 8 month old nephew will be at our wedding in May. No other kids will be there (though I did tell the parents of the very young babies that if they need to bring them they can feel free to - they all said "no way" and are excited for a night out).

I'm not going to harp on the decision to exclude non-engaged/married SOs from your own wedding - what's done is done. That having been said, FI and i were dating for 8+ years before we got engaged...and if he had been invited to a wedding without me during that time, there is no way he would have gone. He would have been offended. It doesn't matter how small your wedding is - excluding SOs is rude. I can almost guarantee you that someone at your own wedding (or who was invited to your wedding and delcined to attend) was offended by it. They'd never say that to your face, but it probably happened.

Chipmunk415 · February 2014

OP...

1) you can be upset about it, but the happy couple are not required to allow all kids to the wedding. Even if it's a "no kid" wedding in the email, the child that is allowed, as you stated, was someone in the bride's family. Couples can and do allow kids in circles, and this is ok as long as it's equal (ie, kids of brides siblings= kids of grooms siblings too). You have not indicated if this child is the bride's cousin's kid, or what, just that it's someone in the family.

2) It is absolutely rude to invite one half of a couple and not the other. It doesn't matter if the "we need to keep our numbers down" drum is being beaten to death. If you can't afford to have that many people, don't invite that many. Emily Post, Etiquette Hell, even Martha Stewart will tell you this same information. How would you like it if you and your husband were getting serious, but you didn't have a ring yet, and he received an invite only for him, from someone who knows both of you? You brought it up, now you get to enjoy the responses and side eyes.

3) You say you "never had to post here" when planning your wedding. Did you lurk? You would have seen dozens of posts from women all over the world decrying the invite stunt you pulled. You might consider your different regions, backgrounds, and upbringing, but it doesn't matter- you were rude.

4) Again with "never had to post here"- you joined the Knot January 30th, according to your profile. So you never used the site during your planning at all? I'm starting to smell MUD... especially as all of your posts and replies are limited to this single thread.

5.) Your responses over it being pointed out that you weren't exactly an etiquette maeven at your own wedding have been rude and immature (still sore over it....get over it....shame on you). You characterize this as a "family feud." From here, it looks like a disagreement/some hurt feelings over who is included in an invitation, apparently (hopefully) being handled privately by the adults in the situation (groom, husband, bride to be, and you). Not a family feud. Yet.

climbingsingle · February 2014

Your kid isn't invited. Take your own advice - get over it. Your husband can go to the wedding and you can stay home with the kid. Problem solved.

crunchymamaof2 · February 2014

They were rude to imply that your baby was invited. Maybe they thought you'd get a sitter for the wedding and they would meet the baby before or after. Who knows. But yes, that was wrong of them. It was not wrong of them to not invite your child in general though. You can have your DH bring up the fact that you both thought baby Timmy was invited due to their comment. Or you can get a sitter for Timmy during the wedding. Or stay home. Or you DH can drop out, on his own accord (though I think that would be petty if it was only done in an "i'll show you" way). Almost every poster has given you very sound advice and read your original post.

You are the one that opened up the floodgates with your "but I made an exception for her!" comment. What you did to her, and many other couples, was far ruder than what they're doing to you. That comment made you look like a child, as if you were stamping your feet yelling "BUT I LET HER COME SO MY BABY HAS TO COME TOO!!!" It's not a very becoming look.

That point being brought up more than once is not just for you. It is for the lurkers who may be considering doing exactly what you did- having a rude "no ring no bling" policy. Hopefully after reading this they'll realize how rude and hurtful that would be and change their minds. Some people get married after 2 weeks. Some people are engaged after 6 months, some aren't. You have no right to decide who's relationships are good enough and serious enough to attend your wedding, or any event for that matter. You not minding being treated with such disrespect is irrelevant. Murder is okay in some religions; does that make murder okay? Hell no. What you did was rude and using that to make your point as to why THEY are rude is silly and childish.

Teddy917 · February 2014

Chipmunk415 said:
OP...

1) you can be upset about it, but the happy couple are not required to allow all kids to the wedding. Even if it's a "no kid" wedding in the email, the child that is allowed, as you stated, was someone in the bride's family. Couples can and do allow kids in circles, and this is ok as long as it's equal (ie, kids of brides siblings= kids of grooms siblings too). You have not indicated if this child is the bride's cousin's kid, or what, just that it's someone in the family.

2) It is absolutely rude to invite one half of a couple and not the other. It doesn't matter if the "we need to keep our numbers down" drum is being beaten to death. If you can't afford to have that many people, don't invite that many. Emily Post, Etiquette Hell, even Martha Stewart will tell you this same information. How would you like it if you and your husband were getting serious, but you didn't have a ring yet, and he received an invite only for him, from someone who knows both of you? You brought it up, now you get to enjoy the responses and side eyes.

3) You say you "never had to post here" when planning your wedding. Did you lurk? You would have seen dozens of posts from women all over the world decrying the invite stunt you pulled. You might consider your different regions, backgrounds, and upbringing, but it doesn't matter- you were rude.

4) Again with "never had to post here"- you joined the Knot January 30th, according to your profile. So you never used the site during your planning at all? I'm starting to smell MUD... especially as all of your posts and replies are limited to this single thread.

5.) Your responses over it being pointed out that you weren't exactly an etiquette maeven at your own wedding have been rude and immature (still sore over it....get over it....shame on you). You characterize this as a "family feud." From here, it looks like a disagreement/some hurt feelings over who is included in an invitation, apparently (hopefully) being handled privately by the adults in the situation (groom, husband, bride to be, and you). Not a family feud. Yet.

It actually doesn't have to be equal. Let's say B is close to her cousins (who happen to be children) but G isn't close to his. They can chose to invite B's and not G's. They can even invite Cousin S who is related to Band not Cousin M even though she's related to be too, if she's not close to M. It just usually helps to invite in circles to avoid family drama.

doeydo · February 2014

It is perfectly fine for a couple to choose to have a kid-free wedding without making any exceptions for nursing babies, etc. However, what they did (actually saying "no-kids" in an email) was very rude.
So, you either choose to give the baby to a sitter, one of you stay home with the baby while the other goes, or you can both stay home.

AlexisA01 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:
Whew, hostile!

Listen, people have have given you plenty of advice. No need to get mad.

WildMagelet · February 2014

PPs gave you valid options. Why are you not addressing them?

1) Tell your husband to go without you and you'll stay home with the baby.

2) All 3 of you travel, your husband attends the wedding alone, and the 3 of you enjoy the rest of your time in the city together.

3) All 3 of you travel, you both attend the wedding and arrange for a sitter during the wedding.

Your husband has the additional option of bowing out and not attending without the two of you, but that should be a decision that he makes on his own.

What happened at your wedding is done, but previous posters are correct in saying that etiquette doesn't allow you to judge the validity or seriousness of someone's relationship - all SOs should be invited if they're together when the invites go out. Pointing out this faux pas in planning is for the benefit of current and future posters/lurkers alike and isn't just a huge personal attack on you.

AlexisA01 · February 2014

PineapplePam said:
I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.

I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!

Nobody is being mean or hostile. You aren't seeing the big deal. You have no right to determine someone's relationship. Posting under a different name is just asking for trouble on this site.

JeeGooDowster · February 2014

I can't blame @pineapplepam for feeling like it is slap in the face...she is not wrong for feeling a bit slighted. That being said, I do like the suggestions that the PP's have posted on here. I would say to avoid all trouble, you would have to decline the invite, let your DH be the best man...if the couple asks why, then you explain to them and hopefully they understand graciously or maybe make some sort of exception and change their mind.

Family Feud, and the baby isn't even here yet

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