PARENTS CANNOT COME TO MY WEDDING

[Deleted User] · February 2014

So it has been my dream to get married on a beautiful beach ever since I saw the ocean for the first time. We live in Florida so there are many options, however all of my family is in Iowa still, including my parents. My father suffered a stroke about 3 years ago and is completely dependent on my mother for care as his left side is completely paralyzed. He sleeps in a special bed at night to help with his breathing.

We got engaged about a month ago and my mother tells me a few days ago that if we have a wedding in Florida they will not be able to come, even if my fiance and I help her with my father and pay for their travel. I have cried every day since she told me this and I am completely destroyed by this news.

My fiance's family is all in Florida so it wouldn't be difficult for them to come. They are also the ones paying for the wedding because my family is scraping by as it is. If his family is the one paying and I have no family at the wedding, it wouldn't feel like OUR day at all, just his. I've thought about having two receptions or ceremonies or something, one in FL and then one back in IA but I don't know how the logistics of that would work.

I have no idea what to do. I am facing a decision between what I've always dreamed of for my wedding and being able to have my parents there.

Any suggestions, ideas, support is welcome. Thank you all.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

shibacjay said:

So it has been my dream to get married on a beautiful beach ever since I saw the ocean for the first time. We live in Florida so there are many options, however all of my family is in Iowa still, including my parents. My father suffered a stroke about 3 years ago and is completely dependent on my mother for care as his left side is completely paralyzed. He sleeps in a special bed at night to help with his breathing.

We got engaged about a month ago and my mother tells me a few days ago that if we have a wedding in Florida they will not be able to come, even if my fiance and I help her with my father and pay for their travel. I have cried every day since she told me this and I am completely destroyed by this news.

My fiance's family is all in Florida so it wouldn't be difficult for them to come. They are also the ones paying for the wedding because my family is scraping by as it is. If his family is the one paying and I have no family at the wedding, it wouldn't feel like OUR day at all, just his. I've thought about having two receptions or ceremonies or something, one in FL and then one back in IA but I don't know how the logistics of that would work.

I have no idea what to do. I am facing a decision between what I've always dreamed of for my wedding and being able to have my parents there.

Any suggestions, ideas, support is welcome. Thank you all.

Honestly? I think this does not sound like this should have been a surprise at all. If your dad is so disabled, it makes sense that he cannot travel even regardless of the cost.

Speak with Fi and his family about this, and see if you can move the wedding. I think you should get married in Iowa if it's that important for your parents to be there. If Fi's family are well-off, they should be able to travel.

And I don't really think having a second party in Iowa would really help-- you want your parents at your actual wedding, not just at a party.

Personally, I would rather have a small wedding with my parents there, than a big wedding on a beach without my parents.

ETA: if for whatever reason you are set on the Florida wedding, you can set up a live stream online so your parents can watch in realtime. Or get a really good videographer so they can watch a nice video later. And PLEASE do not have two "ceremonies," don't know how I missed that in the OP. You only get one wedding, just weigh your options with the location and parents and everything, and make the best choice. It's hard but it's part of making adult decisions with pros and cons.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.

FiancB · February 2014

I agree it doesn't sound too surprising. I'm sure your parents are pretty bummed about it too, BUT I think you need to think about priorities here. I am sure you can find a great venue in IA, and then possibly have a party in FL and honeymoon on a beach somewhere too. It sounds like it would be a lot easier for FIs family to travel than yours, and I think they would be understanding of the situation.

kmmssg · February 2014

This is about priorities. There should be no surprise in the fact your parents can't come to FL. You said, "My father suffered a stroke about 3 years ago and is completely dependent on my mother for care as his left side is completely paralyzed. He sleeps in a special bed at night to help with his breathing" - I am not understanding how you expected them to make the trip here.

I am going to be a bit blunt. I have been a bride and I have been a MOB. I was also orphaned as a child. There is NO venue or setting that would have made me leave having my parents out of the wedding picture. I didn't have the choice to have them there. I would have killed for it.

If your parents were toxic/addicts/alcoholics/abusers that would be one thing, but you write as if they are very important to you. I believe they are. I think you should do what you need to do to make sure they are there - if that means getting married in IA and having a party with your friends and family in FL that is what I would do.

Only you can decide what is most important here because they are your priorities. I would never agree to let someone pay for my wedding if it cut my parents out of the picture to even attend.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

Since your FI's family has offered to pay and it seems you have accepted that offer, then you need to run it by them and see how they feel about traveling. If they will not go to IA, then you need to either pay for the wedding yourselves so you can be in IA or just accept that you will not be able to travel to IA for the wedding. As pps suggested, you need to make the decision as to what is most important you and only you can make that decision.

WinstonsGirl · February 2014

We did a DW and our parents were on our VIP list. If they couldn't make it, we would have done the wedding at home. We weren't willing to sacrifice our parents in favour of our location. Our siblings were eon that list too, as well as my Granny. When she said she wasn't coming we were ready to move the wedding back home until she insisted she'd beat me if we did that.

What about looking into beaches in Iowa? I'm landlocked but we have some amazing lake beaches. I know it's not quite the same, but it could give you an alternative with a similar feel. I'd also look at some beautiful outdoor areas. Again, not the same as the ocean, but it might give you a similar feel

climbingsingle · February 2014

I don't really understand why this is so surprising to you. Your dad is severely disabled and they are barely making ends meet. If he even was able to travel to Florida, where would he sleep? He needs a special bed, yes?

You have to decide what's more important to you - having a wedding on the beach or having a wedding where you parents can attend.

RWS2011 · February 2014

I understand that FI's family offered to pay for your wedding in Florida. If you discuss your concerns about your father's health concerns, and they are unwilling to help you pay to have a wedding closer to your family, you might be better off declining the help and finding a way to host a small ceremony that your family can attend.

Ven&Radio · February 2014

You know your dad is severely disabled and your parents are in a tight financial position, yet you're surprised they can't travel for your wedding?? Surely you could compromise and find a location close to your parents that is on the water. No, it will not be the ocean, but it would still be beautiful and your family could attend.

If your FILs pay for the wedding, they do get a say in things. If you have accepted the offer and haven't spent any of their money yet, you and your FI could go to them and say "thank you so mcuh for your generous offer, but after thinking it over we just don't feel right taking your money. We're going to fund the wedding ourselves". If you've already started spending thier money, this isn't an option.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

Like other PPs have said, you need to decide what is more important to you. Personally, there is no way in hell I would have my wedding somewhere my mom couldn't be. If you decide you want to have the wedding closer to your parents but your FI's family isn't comfortable with that then you should decline there offer and pay for it yourselves.

arrippa · February 2014

Sometimes in life you have to compromise. Can you have the wedding in IA and the honeymoon on the beach? You can recite your personal vows to each other (not a redo wedding) there. are there any lakes in IA (I am not familiar with the state) that you can get married on that beach?

You will have to decide what's more important to you. I had to to give up my dream reception site because we couldn't make it work. Being an adult is hard sometimes...

sarahufl · February 2014

I would (and I am not joking AT ALL here) get married in a gas station parking lot before I got married without my parents there. There is literally not a single venue ON THIS PLANET that I would choose over my mom and dad.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

I'm with @sarahufl. There is no venue on earth I would have chosen over my parents.

Not even the Vatican with the Pope presiding.

JaxInBlue · February 2014

Agree with PPs. I'm sure the beach is beautiful, but I do think it's not sensible to assume your parents could travel. Talk with your FILs about what their parameters for paying for your wedding and see how viable Iowa would be as a potential location.

The beach will be a great spot for a honeymoon, for a trash the dress/supplemental bridal photo shoot, a private renewal with your FI/DH - any number of special moments that would not require your parents to miss your wedding.

Also, think about a compromise. My sister and her FI wanted to be married on the beach but most of their family is in the northeast. They've found a beautiful lakeside venue that evokes an on-the-water feeling even though it's not the typical white sand. Could something like that be a possibility for you?

lyndausvi · February 2014

I too had always wanted a beach wedding. I was even living in the islands and working on a boat. We decided to have the wedding on a beach in NJ or order for family to attend. It would have been difficult for MIL and other older family members to get down to the islands (they still had to travel 2-4 hours).

On my wedding day a tropical storm hit. No beach wedding.

My wedding day was still very special especially since we were around our parents and other family.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

My father is a lot worse than when I saw him last, that's why I thought they would be able to come with our help

kmmssg · February 2014

I am sorry his condition worsened. What are you going to do about this?

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

shibacjay said:

My father is a lot worse than when I saw him last, that's why I thought they would be able to come with our help

I'm so sorry to hear this, but to me...that's all the more reason to plan the wedding based off of what is convenient for them. What's more important, having the ocean in your wedding pictures or having your parents in your wedding pictures?

Artemischief · February 2014

I would pass up my dream wedding in a heartbeat if it meant my dad could have lived to see me on my wedding day. JOP, Vegas chapel, alleyway anything/anywhere if he could be there. Fifty years from now will you regret not having a beach wedding or choosing to not include your parents? I know, it's a blunt question. Have a beach honeymoon.

jenniferurs · February 2014

BMoreBride6 said:
I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.

That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

jdluvr06 · February 2014

jenniferurs said:

I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.
That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.

RebeccaB88 · February 2014

I'm still not seeing where the question is. Do you want your parents there or not? Pick one. Then grow up and make it happen.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

jenniferurs said:

I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.
That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.

I agree with @jdluvr06. Siblings and parents should be on the VIP list. FBIL did not check with Fi before setting his date this summer. It happened to be a date we can make it (although inconvenient, we are willing to move things around), but it really bothered us that we were not on the list of people to check with before setting the date. We floated our date to all parents and siblings before signing the contract, and if any of our siblings couldn't make it, we would have rescheduled.

JCbride2015 · February 2014

OP, I'm sorry to hear your dad has gotten worse. Have you talked with Fi's family about having the wedding in IA? Honestly, I can't believe they would hear about your dad's condition and still refuse to travel for the wedding. My FILs would travel in a heartbeat if that was the only way my mom or dad could be at the wedding.

NYCBruin · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

jenniferurs said:

I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.
That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.

I mostly agree with this. I don't think siblings (or parents or any relative for that matter) automatically falls into the VIP category (everyone's family dynamics are different, sharing DNA does not automatically make one a VIP). I think every couple needs to decide who their VIPs are.

For us, our VIP list includes our parents, siblings, my grandparents and some very close friends. No venue could entice us enough to get married without all of them there.

Jells2dot0 · February 2014

NYCBruin said:

jdluvr06 said:

jenniferurs said:

I mostly agree with this. I don't think siblings (or parents or any relative for that matter) automatically falls into the VIP category (everyone's family dynamics are different, sharing DNA does not automatically make one a VIP). I think every couple needs to decide who their VIPs are. For us, our VIP list includes our parents, siblings, my grandparents and some very close friends. No venue could entice us enough to get married without all of them there.

I agree. I ran off and got married without most of my family knowing, let alone being invited. Granted, it does sound like the OP wants family at the wedding and I did have my family at my first wedding, but people should not automatically assume that everyone wants their family involved.

Pushing the above aside, it is pretty obvious that the OP is slightly upset about her parents. Given the fact that she posted what she did and sounds hurt over it, I think she needs to scrap the beach idea and have a wedding where her family can be present. However, as I mentioned earlier, only she can make that decision.

CMGragain · February 2014

OP, you are planning the wedding of your dreams. This is wrong. Weddings are not about your dreams. They are about the reality of your life and your family.
Plan a wedding where your important family members can attend. Have your beach celebration at a later time. (Not a PPD, just a celebration party!)

HobokensFury · February 2014

I don't see why this is an issue. Parents trump location.

jenniferurs · February 2014

jdluvr06 said:

jenniferurs said:

BMoreBride6 said:
I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.
That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.

I guess I'm just different. I'd love to be at my brother's wedding, but I would never expect him to hold it in the city I live in, if that's not what he and his fiancé wanted.

BMoreBride6 · February 2014

jenniferurs said:

jenniferurs said:

I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present. One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged. His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding. They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing. She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding. This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it.
That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.
I guess I'm just different. I'd love to be at my brother's wedding, but I would never expect him to hold it in the city I live in, if that's not what he and his fiancé wanted.

It wasn't just in a different city, it was on a different continent...and they planned it knowing full well what her exam schedule was

PARENTS CANNOT COME TO MY WEDDING

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