Once again, I need the Ladies of the Knot brilliant advice...

Re: Once again, I need the Ladies of the Knot brilliant advice...

• antoto member

  

  February 2014

  Alice is an idiot.  I'd drop out of her WP.

  
  

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• Lowell14 member

  

  February 2014

  @antoto that is truly brilliant advice...Im just glad im not in her WP

  
  

  

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• saacjw member

  

  February 2014

  Alice sucks. It's really reasonable to say- hey, we're all swamped, no gifts. Gifts aren't mandatory, they're just nice. In fact, in my circle, it's pretty common for the WP to not give anything, or to give very small gifts, because of the expenses of being part of the wedding. I got either no gifts from my wedding party, or really small homemade ones, because my WP was traveling, bought dresses, and were 50% still in college and 50% having adult expenses. I didn't invite them to be in the wedding for gifts.

  

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• Cookie Pusher member

  

  February 2014

  As gifts are not mandatory, it's very rude for someone to vocalize that they expect them. And no one should be telling other people how to spend their money, WP or not.

  ~*~*~*~*~

  
  

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• Lowell14 member

  

  February 2014

  Am i best to not reply to Alice? i have a feeling that i would say something she didnt want to hear (or possibly something i may regret saying). She is looking for advice and Im at a loss right now.

  
  

  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  February 2014

  "Alice,
  
  It is wonderful to hear that you are in a good financial situation and can afford to be in so many weddings and give generously.
  
  All of us will give as generously as we can, but for some people the demands of being in a bridal party are already stretching their budgets. I hope that you will excuse those of us who live on smaller budgets.
  
  P.S. You sound like a money-grubbing gold-digger and I hope you trip on your way down the aisle"
  
  ...Maybe not to that extreme, but REALLY?
  

  

  

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• hikebikebemerry member

  

  February 2014 edited February 2014

  Dammit, Alice!

  
  

  Here's the easy way out...

  
  

  "Hey Alice, have you checked out TK community boards lately?  They might be able to give you some great advice on this topic!"
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  ETA gif.

  

  
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  February 2014

  leahjwatts said:

  My friend, Alice is getting married in September. Her friend Sarah is getting married in July. They are each in the others WP and third friend Veronica is in both parties plus 2 more WP during the year. Sarah and Veronica have agreed that, as they all have 3-4 weddings this year, then Alice, Sarah and Veronica will not get each other shower or wedding gifts. Alice find the 'no gifts' idea disrepectful and says its part of being in the WP.

  She said that she has been planning her wedding for 16months with her WP (yes, really!) and if Sarah wants to plan a wedding in 6 months (while being concerned about money) thats not her fault. Alice offered to give Sarah her Wedding Gift in cash NOW to help pay for the wedding. She also thinks that if Veronica agrees to be in 4 WP then she shouldnt complain about money.  

  This is the last line of the email: 'I understand having lots of wedding. This is a year of weddings for us too but we are still okay to give gifts at all the weddings we will be attending this year and apart of.'

   She is looking for my advice but i really dont care. If your main concern is getting gifts, you're doing it wrong.

  Help!

   

  I would respond to Alice with the bolded portion above.

  
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  February 2014

  This makes me think of that song where they go, "Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?"
  
  Alice is being a brat. No one is required to give her a gift, least of all her WP who have to buy a dress and possibly host a shower and bachlorette party for her.
  
  I would either ignore her email or respond as a PP has suggested.

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• delujm0 member

  

  February 2014

  I literally have the same set up.  Two of my BMs and I are all getting married within 6 months of each other and are all in each other's WPs.  When the first one got married in December, we all decided that we would do small shower gifts for each other, but no other gifts.  It doesn't make sense to trade money around for 6 months, and we all had enough expenses associated with being in the weddings to begin with.  However, none of us are mad about it, because none of us are entitled, self-centered, or gift-grabby.  So there's that.

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• sarahufl member

  

  February 2014

  Rude. Weddings are expensive. If you have the resources, great. But if you don't, your friends shouldn't shame you.
  

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  February 2014

  I'd tell Alice,
  
  "Alice, gift-giving is optional-even for weddings.  Not expecting others to give you gifts, however, is mandatory.  You're not scoring any sympathy for yourself by expecting others, who may be strapped, to give you gifts.  Please drop it, or you may be dropped as a friend."
  

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• Liatris2010 mod

  

  February 2014

  "Alice if you really want to give gifts, no one can stop you and I am sure they will be appreciated, just as I appreciate you understanding that attire and travel for these weddings has stretched my budget and I can't afford to buy as many gifts as I would like."
  
  The fact that Alice is old enough to get married, but doesn't think it is wrong to email her friends asking for presents makes me thing she is (more than) a little immature.
  

  

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• tammym1001 member

  

  February 2014 edited February 2014

  I don't think it was fair of Sarah and Veronica to decide for Alice that she would not give gifts to her friend's for their weddings. If Sarah and Veronica don't want to give gifts to their friends for their weddings then that is perfectly acceptable, but to insist that Alice do the same isn't right.

  
  

  I agree that Alice isn't coming out very well in this situation, but at the same time I wouldn't be real happy about someone telling me how to or not to spend my money. 

  
  

  I honestly don't understand why this was even a conversation. If Sarah and Veronica can't afford gifts for the other weddings then don't give them. I don't see why a pact had to be made. Gifts aren't supposed to be expected so why say you aren't giving them? 

  
  

  ETA: I rambled a little so I just wanted to summarize what I meant: gifts aren't tit for tat and nobody should be dictating to another person if they should buy a gift for someone or not so I think all the girls are in the wrong here.

  
  

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• Lowell14 member

  

  February 2014 edited February 2014

  @tammym1001, that is an excellent point...I dont know why this was a conversation. I REALLY dont know why this was a discussion that needed to involve ME! im not in her WP. I wont even be going to her wedding...

  I think It is valid to mention that gifts arent tit-for-tat. I think im getting emailed in the hopes that i will email back saying 'poor you, how horrid! your friends are terrible not getting you a wedding gift

  
  

  

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• Sugargirl1019 member

  

  February 2014

  Let Alice buy her gifts, and let the girls who do not want to spend that money not buy gifts. Each can do what they want. I would tell your friend to let everybody do what they are comfortable with, and that no one should be dictating how to (or how not to!) spend money.

        
  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  February 2014

  I think Sarah and Veronica are being rude! They don't get to decide for Alice if she should be giving them a gift. Raising it as an idea is okay, but to me announcing you aren't getting someone a gift is similar to announcing you aren't inviting someone. Alice is one of their closest friends right? Maybe when she said she wasn't on board with the plan they could have dropped it with her. It really isn't that expensive to give her a cookbook with a nice inscription at the shower and a picture frame at the wedding, or they could just give a card, but telling her "no gifts for you" seems the wrong way to handle this.

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• Blergbot member

  

  February 2014

  Wait, did Alice invite you to her wedding and you are just unable to attend or is she bitching about wedding stuff to you when you aren't even invited?

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• Lowell14 member

  

  February 2014

  Blergbot said:

  Wait, did Alice invite you to her wedding and you are just unable to attend or is she bitching about wedding stuff to you when you aren't even invited?

  I would be invited if I was in Canada but I live in Ireland. Its top big a cost with my wedding a month later. I would probably be in the WP...lol...

  
  

  

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• SP29 member

  

  February 2014

  I agree, I think everyone is being a bit rude (though Alice isn't coming out on top).

  
  

  As gift shouldn't be expected, they shouldn't be discussed. Just as it is rude to expect gifts it's also rude to tell someone, "I'm not getting you a gift". Everyone gives what they can, or not. And that should be kept separate from everyone else's affairs. 

  
  

  I would tell Alice that although I think it was rude for Sarah and Veronica to bring up gifts and personal finances so publicly, that gifts should never be expected. It is a big financial responsibility to take part in someone else's wedding and that it should be gift enough these girls are willing to be part of her wedding. 

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• Blergbot member

  

  February 2014

  You should still be getting an invite if you're that close IMO. Otherwise she shouldn't really be discussing something with you that you aren't invited to...

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• APDSS22 member

  

  February 2014

  I would back away from this mess saying it doesn't concern you since you're not invited to Alice's wedding.
  

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• erinlin25 member

  

  February 2014

  Alice is crazy.  Gifts are not "mandatory."  HOWEVER, I would personally never go to a wedding without a gift and I take that into consideration when planning.  I had my year of the weddings where I was in 2 and went to about 5 others.  I budgeted accordingly. 
  
  They should not even be discussing whether or not they will give a gift.  Go to the events..bring a gift you can afford or at least a nice card if you really cannot afford a gift, but if a couple does not get a gift they need to let it go and move on. 
  

  
  
  
  

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• clg1213 member

  

  February 2014

  Not 100% my view, but a way to approach it that would let me feel honest but not mean:

  
  

  "Well, Alice, I think they are simply embarrassed.  After all, you can afford more and are known for giving the very best gifts.  I bet they are a bit intimidated at the thought that their gift might be judged poorly in comparison.  The agreement not to give, takes away that concern.  I think it would almost be the kindest gift possible to agree to none."

  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  February 2014

  Veronica and Sarah are fine not to give gifts, but they can't demand Alice not give gifts.
  
  Alice is a cuntwaffle for being bothered that her WP members might not give her gifts.
  
  My advice would be to write back and say something along the lines of, 'Why are you telling me this? This doesn't concern me. Or you for that matter. If you're in this for the gufts, you're doing it wrong.'

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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