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His mother hates me, and he's a momma's boy...

rainalamerainalame member
First Anniversary
in Wedding Woes
So my husband and I just recently got legally married in a courthouse for financial reasons, but we plan on having a 'wedding' later on... that was UNTIL my husband's mother revealed her plan to buy us a condo... We are a relatively young couple. I work full time in logistics, and he is a warehousing manager. We are not poor, we get along pretty well with the money we both make. We are absolutely able to afford our own place and everything we need, we have been doing that since we met. The problem is, if we choose to live in this condo (rent free), we need to keep our marriage a secret from his parents until he can finish college, and get a better job. If we do reveal to them that we are married, they will shun him and no longer give him the help he wants so badly. I've been trying to tell him we can do it without them, and that we ARE married now, and we should be focusing on US and what WE want to do (not being held back for however long) , but he doesn't seem to care. He is set on living in this condo and being under his parents' rule, even though he is a grown man.... HELP. What in the world do I do in this situation?!
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Re: His mother hates me, and he's a momma's boy...

  • Fran1985 Fran1985 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Wait, so you didn't tell his family that you were getting married when it happened? Ok 1st, you are already married, so forget about having a "wedding" down the road. 2nd, yes he has to tell his mom that he is married. 3rd, it seems like she would be ok with you two living together but just not being married? I would tell your FI that you are not living in that condo, and refuse to move in, unless he is fully truthful with his mother.

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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Sounds like a lotta hasty decisions were made... Perhaps not wrong but you must own them. I agree with what HisGirl said
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  • Grabows14Grabows14 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    If he is such a momma's boy and that bothers you, why marry him in the first place?

    I think you are assuming too much. Honestly, if his mom is ok with you two sleeping together, I don't get why she would oppose you two marrying?
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    So my husband and I just recently got legally married in a courthouse for financial reasons, but we plan on having a 'wedding' later on... that was UNTIL my husband's mother revealed her plan to buy us a condo... We are a relatively young couple. I work full time in logistics, and he is a warehousing manager. We are not poor, we get along pretty well with the money we both make. We are absolutely able to afford our own place and everything we need, we have been doing that since we met. The problem is, if we choose to live in this condo (rent free), we need to keep our marriage a secret from his parents until he can finish college, and get a better job. If we do reveal to them that we are married, they will shun him and no longer give him the help he wants so badly. I've been trying to tell him we can do it without them, and that we ARE married now, and we should be focusing on US and what WE want to do (not being held back for however long) , but he doesn't seem to care. He is set on living in this condo and being under his parents' rule, even though he is a grown man.... HELP. What in the world do I do in this situation?!

    oh for the love of

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  • jessirayjessiray member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

    I suggest you take a look at this.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    What everyone else said...BUT, one question...What 'help' does your IL's give to your DH/you? You say that you both have good jobs...so, what is he relying on them for?  The free condo?  What are you doing for housing now? 
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  • MochadiaMochadia member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    There are a few points that I believe should be addressed.
    First, you and your husband are a couple and must come to an agreement about the condo and possibly telling your entire family you are already married. There are pros and cons in both situations, the biggest pro is that you ask will get a condo. Question:is this some place you see yourself living and raising children, if you want them? Or, is this a place you plan on living in for a few years? If you are planning on buying a house later in the next 5-7 years, it might be better to wait until you get that house depending on what your future plans are. The biggest con is that you are hiding your marital status simply for financial gain from your family, which is not the best way to start off a marriage. I believe that honesty would be the best policy in this situation, but I say that not knowing your family.

    In this situation I believe you both should come clean with your families, and who knows, the condo might still be on the table after. It might not be too, which at that point, you two will have the conversation on how that would change your life circumstances.

    Second, I am disheartened by all the comments from people who are against a second wedding ceremony where you can celebrate with friends and family. From a website where people are frequently saying it's your day your life, do what you want, the same applies here. I think it is wrong for people to try to shame another into not celebrating their wedding because they choose to have a civil ceremony. I've seen people have two weddings in different countries an in some countries you have to have a separate civil ceremony if they plan a religious ceremony. We have all seen people elope only to have a reception later on with friends and family. By this standard, people should not plan vote renewals either, and i have seen my fair share of people doing this as well, abd we are not shaming them. So, please feel great and excited abd you plan your family - style 'wedding' where you can celebrate with your friends and family the way that you want.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't understand: @rainalame, why do you keep starting threads but then never come back to them?

    And you're already married.  The only way you can have a second wedding is if you divorce your H and then marry him again.  Tell your in-laws, stop lying, and don't fake a second wedding later.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    If you don't want to be married to a momma's boy, why did you marry a momma's boy?
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OK, I am not going any farther than the fact you guys are married and haven't told his parents?

    Whaaaaat? How long have you guys been married?
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    It gets even better.  Not only are they already married - they have a Go Fund Me for their dream wedding:  (in a castle)

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  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    I'm guessing this is trolling, but anyhoo...

    If she's getting you a condo, that doesn't really sound terribly hateful to me.

    I also recommend lying to parents as little as possible, and certainly not for financial gain. I haven't told my parents I live with FI. I've been down that road before and it's not worth it. BUT I am not lying to make sure the checks come in, it's more of an ignorance is bliss kind of situation. I might get flack for that, but trust me when it comes to my parents it's better this way. It's not fun though. It pretty much sucks. 

    If we got married at a courthouse or what have you, I would tell them. Actually it would be kind of a relief! And again, I'm not lying for money/favors but so that they don't have a damn aneurysm over it. I've been tempted to tell them but it really would cause a lot more harm than good.

    It's a situation that's better not to get in. Sounds to me like MIL is pretty damn understanding if she's happy to get you a condo thinking that you're not married yet. Seems pretty backward to me to revoke that for getting married. It sounds to me like telling her will go a lot better than you think. 

    ETA: GROSS to the gofundme. It seriously pisses me off that people do that sort of thing when there are lots of great charities out there that could really use help and people like you have the gall to beg so you can have a fake wedding in a damn castle. Gag. 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kmmssg said:
    It gets even better.  Not only are they already married - they have a Go Fund Me for their dream wedding:  (in a castle)

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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • christipbettschristipbetts member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    Nothing from your post indicates to me that his mother hates you or that he is a momma's boy. Believe me, I know what it's like to have a MIL hate you, and mine sure as hell won't pay for us to live somewhere.

    I agree with a lot of the comments here in that if you two were adult enough to get married (even if it was a courthouse wedding and yall want to do a more formal one later), you're adult enough to tell his parents.

    Overall, it sounds to me like you and your man have a lot of privilege. There's nothing wrong with that. However, I hope the two of you appreciate what you have and respect the fact that his parents are helping to make that possible. At the very least, they deserve to know the truth.

    Finally, regardless of etiquette, if you want to have a formal ceremony in the future, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as you are truthful about it. If you let your guests know that while you're legally married, this is your formal ceremony, who cares? At the end of the day, those people who are too caught up in etiquette and not in sharing your happiness won't come. And good riddance--no need paying for their reception meal if they're going to be judging you anyway!
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